Haven't had sex with DP in months. He's resentful. AIBU to think he should be more sensitive?

[CreatineCleo]

I'm 7 weeks post having a baby.

Didn't have sex throughout the pregnancy. With sickness and lots of complications I just didn't want to. Haven't had sex since baby was born, and rarely had sex before ttc. I reached a point where I was desperate for a baby after suffering numerous previous miscarriages (with my ex, not my DP) and mentally hated seeing DP put on a condom so avoided having sex. We literally had sex to ttc and had only had sex a handful of times in the weeks and months beforehand.

I want to get our sex life back on track and am finally feeling like it, but DP seems completely resentful of me not wanting sex. Every time I mention it he makes a comment such as he's 'forgotten what it's like' or he 'doesn't know if it'll work anymore' - this upsets me.

The funny thing is, he hasn't actually tried it on with me. Just comments that it's not happened in a long time. He's not actually made an effort either.

AIBU to just want to start a fresh from here without him constantly banging on with his sarcy comments every time I mention that I might be ready?

It's just sex, and we can fix our sex life, but not if he's constantly resentful about the lack of sex we've had in the past year or so...

I just think that you need to put having sex to one side for now.

This. You're not ready, clearly neither is he. Sex is not some mandatory checkbox on a list of things to do in your relationship, it can wait until you're both in a better place and it happens organically (or not at all, which is also fine).

It sounds like you've hit pause on your sex life for over a year and now that you are ready for it to start again, you expect him to be raring to go.

Have you actually tried initiating sex with him? You say that "I mention that I might be ready" but that's not really initiating is it?

Just acknowledge his upset more then? Say, I know it’s been hard, not having sex, for you. Don’t expect him to explain or talk, just let him know that you acknowledge it.

he makes a comment such as he's 'forgotten what it's like' or he 'doesn't know if it'll work anymore

I think he sounds nervous.

Just acknowledge his upset more then? Say, I know it’s been hard, not having sex, for you.

Aww, poor man. No, don't indulge his sulking because it just proves that it works.

Is it possible that he feels resentful over the baby?

Did he actually want to have a child?

How dare she not ignore morning sickness and other pregnancy health complications to shag her husband...

How dare he not want to shag his wife when the only time in recent years she has shown any interest in him sexually is when she wanted to conceive.

Nobody is obligated to have sex if they don't want to, male or female.

Well I think, Male or female, if my partner hadn’t been able or wanted to have sex with me for months, and then was put out when they were raring to go that I wasn’t immediately up for it, then an acknowledgement that it’s about my wishes and my patience too would go a long way to rebuild things.

Or @busy you could just stick in a stalemate where you dismissed any feelings your partner has on the matter.

I don't think I've said anywhere that he doesn't want to have sex have I?

Okay but you are the one who calls all the shots sexually OP. Sounds like he has feelings about that, and I think that’s valid.

Am I right in thinking it’s always you who initiates? And he’s sulking not because you have rejected his advances, but because you haven’t initiated in a long time?

If that’s the case, then I’m stumped. This is a new one on me.

Do you feel alright about using condoms now post baby? He's probably not initiating anything because he doesn't fancy being rejected.

@AnneLovesGilbert I have no problem with it at all. I want to. I want to fix it.

@PinaColada1 totally agree that his feelings are valid, but him sulking and being sarcastic and rude isn't going to fix anything :(

How would like him to behave? He's clearly pissed off but then again is happy to be the passive one in your sex life and has been waiting for you to initiate. Have you tried a softer approach (rather than a rational, let's fix it approach) and just gently hint that you fancy it? Does he feel that you desire him?

I do the same as your DH, if I’m honest. Sarcastic comments and all.

It’s because I’ve spent so long feeling unwanted and unloved that on the rare occasion DH decides to show me some crumbs of affection, I feel so angry and resentful that he’s neglected me for so long that it turns me right off. He doesn’t show me he wants me or desires me on a regular basis - why should I have to go along with it when he suddenly decides he feels the need?

I can’t move forwards while he doesn’t acknowledge the hurt he’s caused in the past by his neglect of me. Sex is important to me, he knows this, we’ve discussed it to death and frankly, I’m done. His lack of interest in me has hurt very deeply, so I empathise with your DH

@YoungLennyGodber

What a brave post, I think I’d feel the same as you and the OPs partner too:

I also think @PolkaDoting has a point and that was my first thought too.

For Llanali and YoungLennyGodber
He's never been an affectionate person. I used to be but didn't get much in return.

It seems more like the OP is the one who's been neglected, even if she has stopped initiating sex. And because she has always been the one initiating it.

Having said that, I got the feeling that at some point, OP, you've withdrawn from sex because you wanted a baby, and I do wonder if he didn't feel blackmailed into having a baby with you in order to have sex. I imagine that would create a lot of resentment even if he isn't able to voice it.

Sorry OP, I realise my post wasn’t very helpful to you! I’ve no advice I’m afraid - I know the sarcasm and resentment isn’t helping you, but he may not know how to move past it. He’s trying to protect himself, in a way. But for things to get better, I suppose perhaps have an honest conversation, acknowledge where things went wrong in the past and make a joint decision to move forward, if that what you both want?

And maybe try and do that myself too

I agree sarcasm isn’t a helpful way of doing it. It just sounds like you are at an impasse, not sexually, but emotionally. If you acknowledge/ allow him some room to be heard, then build it up the sex should follow.