Haven't had sex with DP in months. He's resentful. AIBU to think he should be more sensitive?

[CreatineCleo]

I'm 7 weeks post having a baby.

Didn't have sex throughout the pregnancy. With sickness and lots of complications I just didn't want to. Haven't had sex since baby was born, and rarely had sex before ttc. I reached a point where I was desperate for a baby after suffering numerous previous miscarriages (with my ex, not my DP) and mentally hated seeing DP put on a condom so avoided having sex. We literally had sex to ttc and had only had sex a handful of times in the weeks and months beforehand.

I want to get our sex life back on track and am finally feeling like it, but DP seems completely resentful of me not wanting sex. Every time I mention it he makes a comment such as he's 'forgotten what it's like' or he 'doesn't know if it'll work anymore' - this upsets me.

The funny thing is, he hasn't actually tried it on with me. Just comments that it's not happened in a long time. He's not actually made an effort either.

AIBU to just want to start a fresh from here without him constantly banging on with his sarcy comments every time I mention that I might be ready?

It's just sex, and we can fix our sex life, but not if he's constantly resentful about the lack of sex we've had in the past year or so...

I'd say not trying it on with you IS being sensitive. If he was trying it on he'd be pestering you for sex.

If you now feel ready for sex tell him in a straightforward manner. Telling him you "might" be ready is hardly very kind. Leave it til you're sure and then tell him.

@KittyPerry77 it's not about being kind to DP though surely. I should be able to tell him I'm feeling more ready but won't know until we try. So yes I 'might' be ready but if we start having sex and it's sore, or I don't feel comfortable then clearly I'm not ready. It sucks we haven't had sex in ages but what am I supposed to do to change that?

So you avoided sex with him because you didn't like seeing him use contraception, then you have sex a few times to conceive, then no sex at all thru pregnancy. Maybe he thinks you used him.

For ages you weren't interested in him, he has every right not to be interested in you.

I’m not trying to be a dick but it doesn’t sound like you had much of a sex life to get back on track!

Is it possible your partner has been rejected by you so many times that he's just given up trying? You can't really blame him for that. Content sexual rejection is very hurtful. Also, your "might" be ready comments are very ambivalent and confusing. Are you ready or are you not? If so, DO something about it.

OP, I think it would be helpful if you tried to look at this from your husband's point of view. I think you need to talk to each other.

It sounds like a lot of hurt and resentment on both sides. You both have to be sensitive of each other.

Talk to him. Not when you’re actually trying to have sex, but at a neutral time. Ask him what he is comfortable with, and how you can both rebuild trust. Consider counselling.

@Craft1905 it runs a bit deeper than that. I wasn't well mentally due to having a very late miscarriage with my ex, I had never dealt with this and it all became too much. I was in therapy and always felt I couldn't talk about it with DP as it didn't happen with him.

Me and DP had an amazing sex life but in the 3 months before we ttc I was in therapy and talking things through I didn't want it. We had been together for 2 years before this and had sex a lot.

I didn't really want to go in to all of that in the OP as nobody would have read it as it would've been so long!

How long have you been together?

I haven't actually rejected him once. I never actually told him I didn't want sex and because I was the one to always initiate (ALWAYS) it just never happened. I technically haven't ever rejected him.

Sorry, cross posted with you.

@cheesydoesit just over 3 years..

Maybe IABU then

I don't think you're necessarily BU. I think Pachyderm has some good advice.

You need to express how you feel and the sarky comments do not encourage you to put out at all.

What you said in your second post, say to him. You're ready, but once you're down to business, you might not feel quite right, and it's no reflection on him.

Are you both intimate / affectionate in other ways?

His comments are adding to the problems, not fixing them. I think you need to consider family counselling to get to the bottom of it.

@nikkylou not really. He's never been an affectionate person. I used to be but didn't get much in return.

I do nice things like leave little notes for him, but him small trinkets, tell him he looks nice etc. It isn't reciprocated, but it's just not in his nature.

Absolutely no chance he will go to counselling! I would be nervous to even bring it up...

If my partner hadn't wanted sex with me for ages then suddey decided he did I can't say I'd be jumping for joy to have it! I don't think I'd want it at all any more! I know that sounds awful but sex is very important to me in relationships (although I understand my views may not be "normal" due to previous sexual abuse).

If they were trying to hint saying they "might" be ready I'd just ignore them tbh! It's almost like he should be honoured that you're even considering it! You're both adults you need to have a grown up conversation about it all otherwise you'll still be here this time next year!

It isn't in his nature to do nice things for you?

And why would you be nervous to bring up counselling with him?

@WaterOffaDucksCrack I'm not expecting him to be jumping for joy but I do at least expect him to be an adult about it and not make sarcastic comments towards me. I just find that really disrespectful. I told him we need to move forward and his comments weren't helping and he bit my head off and now isn't talking to me.

At the end of the day I just want to fix it but he's more focussed on being angry with me than wanting to move forwards.

Just snuggle up to him one night and say you fancy giving it a go? maybe explain your worried it might hurt so may need to stop but you love him and missed him so you'd like to try.

@Hubblebubbletripletrouble no it's just not. He didn't even buy me a birthday present one year as he said he didn't have time! Could've cried!

He's just very short tempered. Would never hurt me physically but overreacts to things and takes them to heart. Like he thinks everything is a personal attack!

Am I understanding this correctly?
So you've been with your current partner for 3 years? Throughout that entire time you are the one that has initiated sex? When you stopped initiating sex, the sex stopped because he never said he wanted it? Then you decided you wanted to get pregnant and so you started initiating sex again. Once pregnant, you stopped initiating sex, so again the sex stopped. Now you have started initiating sex again but your partner is making excuses not to start up again?

It seems strange to me that your partner has never initiated sex, seemed ok that it had stopped until now you want it to start again and he's saying 'oh it's been too long' when he's never been the one to initiate sex with you.

Is he better if you put things in a text or email? Sometimes when dh and I have had a real disagreement and every time we try to talk about it later on one or both of us gets very upset/ angry, starting the conversation by text really helps.