Haven't had sex with DP in months. He's resentful. AIBU to think he should be more sensitive?

[CreatineCleo]

I'm 7 weeks post having a baby.

Didn't have sex throughout the pregnancy. With sickness and lots of complications I just didn't want to. Haven't had sex since baby was born, and rarely had sex before ttc. I reached a point where I was desperate for a baby after suffering numerous previous miscarriages (with my ex, not my DP) and mentally hated seeing DP put on a condom so avoided having sex. We literally had sex to ttc and had only had sex a handful of times in the weeks and months beforehand.

I want to get our sex life back on track and am finally feeling like it, but DP seems completely resentful of me not wanting sex. Every time I mention it he makes a comment such as he's 'forgotten what it's like' or he 'doesn't know if it'll work anymore' - this upsets me.

The funny thing is, he hasn't actually tried it on with me. Just comments that it's not happened in a long time. He's not actually made an effort either.

AIBU to just want to start a fresh from here without him constantly banging on with his sarcy comments every time I mention that I might be ready?

It's just sex, and we can fix our sex life, but not if he's constantly resentful about the lack of sex we've had in the past year or so...

@INeedanInterestingUsername weird isn't it...

@icannotremember I put it in to a text today, and was completely reasonable but he just replied angrily and ended with 'whatever' - it's impossible.

So he is short tempered, sarcastic, would not consider counselling to get the relationship to a happy place. You even say you would be nervous to bring that topic up, so you can't communicate like adults. He is not affectionate to the point that you have to always initiate things and you find him disrespectful.

Why are you with him?
Seriously just why, it seems like you are expected to do all the emotional work in the relationship and walk on eggshells as he thinks everything is a personal attack

Do you have other issues at the moment? It doesn't sound like you two are in a good place, and the lack of sex is just a symptom of that.

@Lettermethis to be honest I feel like he just hates me.

This isn't a drip feed. I'm very upset and still only 7 weeks pp writing this. Wasn't expecting the thread to go this way...

He's resentful. AIBU to think he should be more sensitive?

It sounds very much as if you are the resentful one. I think you both need to be sensitive to each other. He didn’t pester you when you were keen on having sex but you are not reciprocating. This is about both of you; not just you having sex when you want it and not when you don’t.

It doesn't seem like he's very supportive or kind

Actually whatever the underlying issues at 7weeks pp he absolutely should be being more sensitive.

That sounds harsh now I have read what I posted and I didn’t mean it that way. Sorry, empathetic phasing is not my strong point at the moment.

I just think that you need to put having sex to one side for now. Focus on enjoying each other’s company. Even with your newborn, you could go out for a meal and be affectionate. Let things develop from there.

I think that both of you are feeling hurt and rejected here. I remember when I didn't fancy sex for ages (due to pregnancy, newborn etc) I expected things to go back to normal as soon as I felt ready, and I hadn't allowed for DH's feelings in the matter. I expected him to be raring to go but it wasn't as simple as that!

Why not stop sniping at each other and just give it a go? It might be nice once you get going.

He sounds the unreasonable one the more you post. You are only 7 weeks pp, be kind to yourself most of all. He doesn't sound that nice tbh and maybe it's only now that You have a baby it's becoming more apparent.

@CreatineCleo have you always felt like this, or is it recently with the arrival of the baby and the inevitable changes that happen?

It sounds like the sex has been a bit of an ongoing issue, and purely playing devil's advocate we don't know how your DH is feeling - could he be tired, stressed, feel a bit unwanted himself?

BUT - he's being unreasonable with sarky comments. He's being VERY unreasonable to reply to your communication with anger and resentment.

You absolutely deserve to be supported, to feel attractive and desired, and to be able to open up without fear of his reaction.

Why are you with him?

Never takes long.

Because he's a lot more than the sum of some comments she's typed when pissed off!!

You absolutely deserve to be supported, to feel attractive and desired

Doesn't he deserve that too?

He's not pressuring her for sex, he's giving her space.

Maybe he's not in the mood at the moment - it's not a light switch...

I wasn't expecting the thread to go this way

Well duh, hence why you've pulled every trick in the 'mumsnet thinks I'm unreasonable, let me drip feed every bad thing ever until they tell me I'm not' playbook.

@MagnificentSevenHeaven

"Because he's a lot more than the sum of some comments she's typed when pissed off!!"

That is why I asked why op is with him, he must have some good points for her to have a baby with him, but she describes him in less than glowing terms. Rather than focusing on all his bad points if the OP actually sat down and thought why she loves this man and try to see him in a more positive light it may take some pressure of both parties and they could actually try to reason with one another, but ymmv.

For ages you weren't interested in him, he has every right not to be interested in you.

How dare she not ignore morning sickness and other pregnancy health complications to shag her husband...

He hardly sounds like the duracell bunny himself. She's telling him, less than two months after giving birth that she might be ready to have sex again and his response is to be sarcastic. That's constructive. And supportive. And caring.

So here's another way of looking at things. Forget the sex for now. How about going out together, having some fun generally re- connecting?

Tell us what you love about him. There must be things otherwise you would not want to stay with him or feel like sex with him. What works in the relationship?

If he’s been deliberately shutting off his desire (to suit your comfort levels) it might be very hard to get it active again? Especially if he is anticipating rejection?

How dare she not ignore morning sickness and other pregnancy health complications to shag her husband...

Not what she said happened though is it. She said she didn't want to DTD before as she didn't want to do it with condoms. Then she wanted to ttc so was up for it again.

He's being shitty now by refusing to discuss it like an adult, but he's probably a bit confused. The "might" isn't helpful or mature, and he's not trying it on with her, he's leaving her to it.

The resentment seems like the issue, if he responds to everything like an attack. Is he acting like a man who feels controlled? I’m not saying that you are controlling. However some people act like that, it’s a strange power play where they are not responding maturely to the situation?

I guess you do need to respect him if he doesn’t want sex at the minute. Maybe even say that. Just to give him a sense that he’s allowed to do that too.

Grow the intimacy and raptor between you. The first year with the baby is hard, especially as a couple. Your DP may not have bonded well yet. Grow those bonds between you. The small things. Have more fun. Tell him what you like about him.

Your issues sound complex. I would seek professional help in your shoes if I could.

@LuluJakey1 he's a good dad, he's protective, he provides for us, very handsome (I know, that one us superficial), we are both outdoorsy, family oriented etc. He's got a good sense of humour when he's in a good mood. There are lots of good things as well as bad. Just more of the bad at the moment and I want to get things back on track. I don't see how we can do this when he's upset about things we can't change but isn't willing to talk about it. I'm stuck.