Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or is my MIL?

53 replies

whatsthetimemisterwolf · 18/12/2018 06:49

My MIL has a long history of being overbearing (she even phoned the hospital when I was giving birth to my son as my fiancee/her son was not answering his cellphone! and not listening to me.

It is my son's 2nd birthday on 21st December and she wanted to have a Christmas party at her place that day (we are away visiting my family over Christmas. We have had the past 2 Christmases with MIL)

I said no as I want my son to have a birthday not a merged day.I invited them for dinner here,as well as some friends.

She has told my partner she will bring Christmas presents for my son and daughter.

Last year she turned up with two sacks of plastic crap and told my children Santa had taken them to her place.I had organised a small treasure hunt from Santa leading to a trampoline - not good enough,apparently!

Anyway,I want to tell her no Christmas presents and if she likes,we can have a late Christmas after we get back.Is this reasonable?

Or am I being a killjoy?She said my son won't know it is his birthday anyway.

Any thoughts appreciated - the history with her can cloud my judgement....

OP posts:
notpushyinterested · 18/12/2018 06:53

you aare being unreasonable- child's grandmother buys presents shocker!!

sorry-but you really are being unreasonable. go to her party-let it be abut your son too-take a birthday cake and let him blow the candles out. she's right-he won't have a clue it's his birthday and this way she gets to see her grandchild on his birthday and see her son for christmas.
you need to remember that your dh is her son!

MynameisJune · 18/12/2018 06:57

One day your sons partner might do the same to you, think how you would feel about that? I think YABU. I get the plastic crap is annoying, but have accepted it as part of life as grandparents just want to buy them things especially at Christmas.

Birdsgottafly · 18/12/2018 06:57

We have December Birthdays and make sure that they are separate from Christmas. We even delay putting up Christmas decorations.

At two, he'll just get overwhelmed with the amount of stuff. It makes more sense to split it.

I will say, though. I hate the phrase 'plastic crap', most toys are made of plastic, have been for the last few generations.

LL83 · 18/12/2018 06:57

Even perfect grandparents spoil grandchildren. I would think she just got carried away with buying stuff rather than trying to make up for your gift not being good enough.

I would allow Christmas presents (and one less mil visit) at this age but as he gets older ask her to keep it separate.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/12/2018 06:59

I can see both sides here, yours because it's your sons birthday and you want to celebrate it at home and hers because she won't see you all over Christmas but saying that she could come for dinner on your sons birthday.

Why don't you want to merge? Is it out of principle because MIL is right in that he won't know it's his birthday will he?

Obviously only you can say whether you're BU here nobody else, as we don't know the full history between you both. Do what you feel is right would be my advice.

Have to say the comment about the plastic crap wasn't nice OP.

Pachyderm1 · 18/12/2018 06:59

She sounds like a pain but on this instance I think you are being a bit of a killjoy. It’s not unreasonable that she wants to bring the kids’ presents before Christmas.

jjemimapuddleduck · 18/12/2018 07:00

As, my LO is 2 this Friday too - Happy Birthday! It's been a very quick 2 yrs!

I don't want any Christmas celebrations on LO's birthday either. They won't know this year, but it's a good habit to get into I think.

Birdsgottafly · 18/12/2018 07:00

MynameisJune, do you realise that it's the OP's child that has the Birthday, not her Partner?

I think parents should be able to plan and have their Child's Birthday celebrations, to suit the child.

There's a whole thread of people with December Birthdays being sick of never having just a Birthday celebration.

Prestonsflowers · 18/12/2018 07:01

I think it’s nice that your Mil cared enough about you to phone the hospital to find out how you were getting on when her son didn’t answer.
You obviously don’t like her.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/12/2018 07:03

Yes that's a good point about not doubling up Christmas and birthdays. In this instance as the child is only two I don't think it would matter though.

Birdsgottafly · 18/12/2018 07:04

Just to add, I'm having 'our Christmas' with my GC on Boxing day, this year.

We've had it on Christmas Day, the last few years, but it's my DDs In Laws turn.

Other years we've had it early. So people can see the children open their presents.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 18/12/2018 07:04

Ask for her help Wink. You've heard lots about how people with December birthdays get upset that their birthday gets overlooked, that friends and families merge them with Christmas. Could she help you to get everyone to treat them separately...

Weenurse · 18/12/2018 07:09

We also are a family of December birthdays.
They must be separate for the children’s sake.
Get into the habit now.
Also agree with PP and ask for her help with family to ensure this happens

Blondebakingmumma · 18/12/2018 07:22

Stick to your gun. Separate birthday for the poor little guy. Invite MIL to watch him open his presents on a different day

Original poster
whatsthetimemisterwolf · 18/12/2018 07:23

Thank you for the replies.

I have read threads and articles about people with December birthdays feeling disappointed that they merge with Christmas. I understand my son is still young but don't want it to set a precedent.Maybe I just need to be firm that it won't be happening again.I want him to be celebrated you know?My daughter has her birthday in September all to herself and I want his birthday for himself too.

The plastic 'crap' comment was rude,I'll admit.I think a healthy planet is more important than more plastic they don't need and am pretty clear about this so I felt kind of ignored. I can see the perspective that she just got excited could be equally true though.

I find it very difficult to like her admittedly

  • as I said,there is a lot of history and I know I have a negative filter around her.When I went to hospital to give birth,I was already 8cms so I thought she would understand her son was otherwise engaged.We all see things differently for sure.

Am trying to let go of my negativity around her as a new years resolution.The one thing we do have in common is loving my children and fiancee and I don't want to hurt them.

Looks like it might be a birthmas this year but not again!Hope my wee man doesn't end up posting on Dec birthday Mumsnet threads in years to come...;)

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 18/12/2018 07:25

GreatDuckCookery, but at two they get overwhelmed and it tends to be the cheapest present they focus on, which can upset people.

It's beeter for the toddler to get the presents spread out.

One year I held some back and gavethen as New Year presents.

Birdsgottafly · 18/12/2018 07:30

"We all see things differently for sure."

We do and that can be, generational, culture, background etc.

If you can try to understand, then it makes you a bit kinder. That and filtering out makes difficult relatives easier to accept.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/12/2018 07:34

Birdsgottafly Confused not sure why you mentioned me?

FruminousBandersnatch · 18/12/2018 07:34

I think YANBU. She can give him his presents at Christmas.

And I totally agree about the plastic crap. Yes, plastic toys have been the go-to for years. But "two sacks of crap" denotes quantity rather than quality.

Laiste · 18/12/2018 07:36

You'll have the same problem next year if you put it off. ''He's 3 he'll not care, he's only 4 he'll not care'' ect. You care, so sort it out this year and you'll thank yourself next year and all the others!

MIL is coming to the birthday lunch but wants to do xmas presents as well as birthday presents. If this were me i think i'd play it on the day. Let her bring them, and then on the day make it very much birthday orientated - let him open some of his birthday presents, do the lunch, do the cake, let him open some more birthday presents. By then i'd imagine he'll be pretty fed up with sitting still and doing unwrapping so let him run about and play with what he's got so far. IF he wants to unwrap anything else - bring out a few xmas presents.

I'd be warning MIL that he might not get as far as opening his xmas presents because he might be all 'presented out' after his b.day ones and you want to let him have fun rather than force the issue.

That was a ramble! sorry.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/12/2018 07:39

You don't like her and that's fine OP, maybe she deserves it? I don't know. But I don't think you can refuse her coming to give Christmas presents personally. I don't think that's very nice.

Talk to her, explain you want to keep your sons birthday separate from Christmas and that you're sure she will understand where you're coming from.

Original poster
whatsthetimemisterwolf · 18/12/2018 07:39

jjemimapuddleduck, happy birthday to your little one,it has been a fast two years for sure!Enjoy,xo

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 18/12/2018 07:41

Teach your dp how to switch his phobe off! You can blame your MiL for a lot of things but not for some idiot who takes phone calls when he's attending a birth.

Laiste · 18/12/2018 07:47

As i understood it he didn't answer the phone BarbarianMum. Which is why MIL rang the hospital.

EdtheBear · 18/12/2018 07:50

Op I agree with you he deserves to have his birthday as an independent celebration. We are a family of Christmas Birthdays. Its good to get into the habit now of hosting a separate celebration. 2 yo might not have a clue but he won't always be 2, if you let it slide it will be same next year at 3, then 4 etc.

If she turns up with Christmas gifts to I'd quickly grab them "I'll put these away for Santa coming".