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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or is my MIL?

53 replies

whatsthetimemisterwolf · 18/12/2018 06:49

My MIL has a long history of being overbearing (she even phoned the hospital when I was giving birth to my son as my fiancee/her son was not answering his cellphone! and not listening to me.

It is my son's 2nd birthday on 21st December and she wanted to have a Christmas party at her place that day (we are away visiting my family over Christmas. We have had the past 2 Christmases with MIL)

I said no as I want my son to have a birthday not a merged day.I invited them for dinner here,as well as some friends.

She has told my partner she will bring Christmas presents for my son and daughter.

Last year she turned up with two sacks of plastic crap and told my children Santa had taken them to her place.I had organised a small treasure hunt from Santa leading to a trampoline - not good enough,apparently!

Anyway,I want to tell her no Christmas presents and if she likes,we can have a late Christmas after we get back.Is this reasonable?

Or am I being a killjoy?She said my son won't know it is his birthday anyway.

Any thoughts appreciated - the history with her can cloud my judgement....

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 18/12/2018 07:51

For me I would be saying she can bring the Christmas presents (logistics of not coming again) but that they will not be opened. It is not Christmas. Christmas is on the 25th, and presents can be opened then ir after. It is your sons birthday. It should be his space. You have an older dd. You need to think of the impacts and expectations for her too. I'm assuming she is not lots older so giving her presents on her brothers birthday - but he doesn't get anything on hers for example is going to cause some interesting dynamics I'm the future. It will turn into an advance Christmas if christmas presents are opened on his birthday. Don't do it to the little lad!

FruminousBandersnatch · 18/12/2018 07:51

@BarbarianMum oh dear, your reading skills need some honing!

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2018 07:53

My dd’s birthday is the 21st. I honestly don’t think you can insist on separating his birthday from Christmas- there will always be parties and outings and so on. When dd was little, she had a half birthday on June 21st when she had her party. You could try something like that?

I thought it was quite normal to ring the hospital? Both my mil and my mum did when I was in labour. I thought it was nice.

MrsFassy · 18/12/2018 07:53

@BarbarianMum think you need to read the OP again. The MiL rang the hospital because OP's partner didn't answer his phone.

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2018 07:55

And I would arrange a post Christmas Christmas with her so she can see them opening their presents from her.

Jengnr · 18/12/2018 07:55

Take the presents, thank her, hide them until Christmas.

RiverTam · 18/12/2018 07:55

Yanbu. DD has a December birthday and it's crap enough as it is without people merging it into Christmas.

But your DP should be dealing with this.

Biancadelriosback · 18/12/2018 07:58

I get it, my DS has just turned 2 (weekend gone) too, and I've tried so hard to make sure his birthday is separate from Christmas. No Christmas wrapping paper etc. Want to make sure they have the same special day the rest of us do throughout the year. It doesn't matter that he's only 2. Don't get into habits you will need to break. And I agree with PP, if you cave this year, then next year will be the same "oh he's only 3" etc then when you try to change it "oh we've always done it this way! Why change?!"

Santababyclaus · 18/12/2018 07:58

I think it's important that your ds's birthday is kept separate from Xmas as much as it possibly can. For me, this means only ds opens presents on his birthday. MIL can bring the Xmas presents round but I'd make it clear that ds and dd aren't opening them until 25th (or another later date if MIL wants to do a late Xmas). I think if you 'give in' this year on the basis he's 2 the same argument will be used next year that he's only 3 etc.

However, my opinion is admittedly being influenced by the fact I'm due to give birth tomorrow and the possibility of an Xmas birthday is something I've been giving quite a bit of thought of.

crispysausagerolls · 18/12/2018 07:58

On one hand I completely see what you are saying re separating the days. On the other hand, she’s a loving grandparent who has bought some gifts and would like to see the recipients joy upon opening them/is that so much to ask? Maybe just explain to her beforehand that you understand she would like to see the gifts being opened and you want to keep both says separate so either she only brings birthday stuff, and gives Christmas stuff to be opened without her, or she comes another time to open the Christmas stuff.

BarbarianMum · 18/12/2018 07:58

Ok I misread. Sorry. Blush

Not sure why ringing the hospital is so terrible though, they won't have told her anything. Quite a few people rang the hospital when I was in labour w ds1 including my mum and my MiL (long labour). We didnt know anything about it til later. Did they call him to the phone (that would be awful)?

crispysausagerolls · 18/12/2018 07:59

santababyclaus

Hope baby comes on due date!

reluctantbrit · 18/12/2018 08:01

Do not set a precedent, keep Birthday apart from any Christmas related stuff, your son deserves it.

I think there is nothing wrong with her bringing
Christmas presents, you may not like what she got but then next year try to speak to her in advance, ask if she likes a small list to choose from, things the children actually would love to have.

Start with the birthday presents and if he is really in the mood let him open some while she is there but a 2 year old will be fairly soon sick of unwrapping and not being allowed to play with the paper, cartons and toys anyway. Keep the rest for after Christmas. This is how we grew up when we saw family before Christmas.

spatchcock · 18/12/2018 08:02

"Not sure why ringing the hospital is so terrible though, they won't have told her anything."

Well it's not AWFUL but in this day and age when everyone has a phone, wouldn't you just think, well, they'll call me when they're ready?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/12/2018 08:03

I'd do what @Jengnr has suggested. When MiL arrives, take the presents from her, select a few out of whatever she brings (mix them up if needs be) but put the others in a room you can lock (perhaps if you have an ensuite with a door that locks you could pop them in there and take the key out). Then if she complains about not seeing your DS open all his presents from her just say that you're saving a few for Christmas day so he has some to open then and change the subject or move away from her if she persists.
Make sure you have your OH on board with this plan so that they can back you up too.

I have a December baby too and I've also tried to keep a birthday celebration just that and then we're all able to celebrate Christmas too.

EdtheBear · 18/12/2018 08:04

Sorry BertandRussell I don't really agree with celebrating half birthdays. I think it adds other issues, when do you stop it, how do you explain to siblings why the Christmas child gets 2 birthdays?
No to mention why does one Christmas cousin get two birthdays and the other not?

I fully expect gifts will be swapped around at my LOs birthday party but I'd a bit peeved if people start opening them or encouraging the kids to open them.

Laiste · 18/12/2018 08:05

I haven't read the birthday in December thread, but i can well imagine what's on it. My b.day is the last day in Nov (so 3 weeks and 3 days before xmas) and even then as a kid i felt my b.day was always a bit overshadowed by xmas.

Always:

  • You can have that but it'll have to be birthday and xmas combined because it's such an expensive time of year.
  • We wont do x y z because it'll be so busy being near xmas.
  • So and so isn't coming because they're coming anyway in couple of weeks.
  • Oh, it's all booked up already - because it's xmas.
  • We're going over to see [who ever] the week after your birthday to give xmas presents - you can see them then and that's when they'll give you your birthday one. (A week late).

sigh.

You CAN separate a child's birthday from xmas if you put your mind to it. Especially in the middle of the actual birthday party!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/12/2018 08:07

In relation to the fact that this MiL phoned the hospital when the OP was 8cms dilated and both she and her OH were otherwise occupied, can no one see that even though she was an excited MiL, she really overstepped by phoning the hospital directly looking for information about a patient who was busy? And the reason the OP's OH didn't answer their mobile was because they were busy too??

I'm going to put this out there OP, I'm not sure I'm a million miles away from the truth here when I say, based on what you've posted, that I think your MiL has boundary issues and doesn't like it when she is told not to do something.

Laiste · 18/12/2018 08:08

OH the xmas wrapping paper on my birthday presents! Because they'd been wrapped at the same time as the xmas ones. I'd forgotten that one.

(It all sounds so petty and ungrateful when you write it out like this - people starving round the world ect - but it can feel a bit crap when you're just a kid)

Cclmsc · 18/12/2018 08:13

The way you’ve gotta look at it is that it’s people that just love your children and want to make them happy.

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2018 08:16

So is ringing the hospital not allowed? Is this some new rule i’m not aware of?

FruminousBandersnatch · 18/12/2018 08:20

"So is ringing the hospital not allowed? Is this some new rule i’m not aware of?"

What do you mean, "not allowed"? You're not a child, you use your own judgement.

Evilspiritgin · 18/12/2018 08:24

By what you have wrote It’s a obviously a mil problem , I mean who the hell has the audacity to ring a hospital when a loved one is in, (better not ring and see how my mum is doing today then) do what most people on here would say and get your husband to sort it out,

Note my dad was born early December has never felt overshadowed because of Christmas, neither has my Christmas Eve born aunt but that’s because we differentiate as a family and we are not lazy enough to put them together

Laiste · 18/12/2018 08:25

Why would you though? The woman has gone into hospital 8cm dillated to have a baby. You've tried the father's mobile (!) and - quelle surprise - there's no answer. Why wouldn't you just wait to hear? The hospital is not going to give out info about their patients.

Everytimeiseeher · 18/12/2018 08:28

It’s nice that you have family who love and show an interest in you and your child.
My MIL was only interested in her own daughters children and my own DM had to have a day with my children planned weeks in in advance. It’s very hurtful.
Be grateful of extended family and the support and love they offer. Drop the barriers, sit back and relax and let your DMIL do what she sounds like she loves to do.

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