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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my in laws are going to trump us...

79 replies

coffeeneeded · 17/12/2018 22:24

It's the first Christmas of awareness for my twins. They are very excited.

I have bought them things that I know they want and will love. I have put a lot of thought into these things.

I sent a list of other things they need to the in laws (they asked for a list). They have announced that they have got some of the items on my list but they have also got other things which they know the kids want. I am 90% certain they have got them the things I have got them- and probably spent more money on them as well...

We are going to the in laws for Christmas.

How do I handle this? AIBU to be utterly pissed off?

OP posts:
Fontofnoknowledge · 18/12/2018 08:23

Ffs !!! How about just acting like a grown adult and ASK THEM ! Are you really incapable of picking up a phone and saying 'just calling to make sure we haven't doubled up in presents ... we bought them xxxx .

But obviously it's much much more productive to spend your time being 'utterly pissed off' at people for loving your children too much . How terribly unreasonable that they hadn't read your mind.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/12/2018 08:24

You sound so ungrateful. There speaks someone without competitive grandparents!

My cousins had a set of GPs like that. All through our childhoods it became a source of quite intense discussion between us kids. The cousins always wanted reassurance that they were allowed to notice the duplication, that they could choose the more expensive/better version their GPs had brought over the more ordinary version their parents could afford. The angst it caused, and I am talking in 6 and 7 year olds, was extraordinary. It was a topic of conversation in our house, we kids would ask our parents about it, I am sure it made them feel uneasy having to smooth that over.

It is a horrid thing to do, though those who choose to act this way will never see why they are being unreasonable! They just see themselves as being loving. Though my cousin's GPs were being condescending as they "Loved the poor wee things and wanted to make it up to them" - though what "it" was I never did find out! My cousin's had loving parents and a very good relationship with them!

coffee your DH needs to try and explain to them how this makes him feel They might stop if they understand they are gazumping their own son's joy in hi skids. If not then you are just going to have to find a way to manage it. You've had some pretty good suggestions so far!

Beenherebefore · 18/12/2018 08:24

Have I missed a post where you say how you are "90% sure they have got the same things as you'?

I think just the fact that you are describing this as 'being trumped' says a lot.

Frankly, so what! Keep your receipts, take your stuff back and spend it on a day out with your kids and make a wonderful memory. Far more important that material things anyway.

DorisTroy · 18/12/2018 08:25

I really don’t get why GPS enter into competition with parents over Christmas and birthday gifts.
My DGD still believes in Father Christmas and every month her tastes change so I never have a clue what she is into. She also has loads of stuff and anything I see and think she might like, she probably already has two of.
I give my DD and SIL money as a gift to the family to pay Father Christmas and his elves for their Stirling efforts and DD buys a small gift for DGD to find under my tree. But DGD thinks everything has arrived by sleigh during Christmas Eve.

headinhands · 18/12/2018 08:26

I get the feeling you want to be angry with your mil. That you might enjoy the internal drama it gives you?

Terribletwos84 · 18/12/2018 08:26

This happened to us this year. Had arranged for one family member to get something for ds and the in laws have turned around and bought it. Only something small but i did suggest checking with me on this range before buying as he will say already have this, he is 2. Part of the reason i had advised family member to get it was they were on a tiny budget and ds has been wanting this one for ages so would have been same reaction as his biggest presents. Sounds stupid i know but it was just annoying when i took massive care to check every flipping present.

BeanBagLady · 18/12/2018 08:27

I cant bear this compulsion to control what grandparents buy. Why shouldn’t they go ‘off list’? They love their grandchildren, imagine the joy, when you are a grandparent, of choosing fantastic gifts....and getting a list of ‘other stuff’ that they ‘need’.

The word controlling is used so much of the way DHs and MILs behave, what about how DIL s behave? I appreciate that asked for a list, but they clearly wanted to buy something your kids would ‘love’, and if they have bought the same things, then they have the same understanding of your kids as you do, and tastes which are akin to yours.

Communicate with them, enjoy planning a Christmas for your children with ALL their loving relatives instead of this horrible competitive moan.

SoyDora · 18/12/2018 08:29

I wish my IL’s would go off list, instead of asking me what to buy everyone, ordering it to be sent to my house and telling me to wrap it for them. So I do the thinking and the wrapping, and they get the glory Xmas Wink

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 18/12/2018 08:34

Why don't you just ask them straight? It's a bit daft, all this speculating about what they might have bought. If they are aware of specific things your children want it will be because you've told them. If you didn't also think to tell them that you were going to buy those things then that was a bit silly of you. It's not difficult to have a conversation about this stuff in advance, to avoid embarrassment or disappointment.

mummmy2017 · 18/12/2018 08:36

Keep all your receipts..
Should there be any doubles, swiftly remove them. And bag them, return using the receipts and use the cash for another gift. Or something in the sales.
Why stress over it, the ones you return will be classed as the in~laws... They won't know, the kids won't care, and you can get something else from them...

Blondebakingmumma · 18/12/2018 08:38

Notyourmummynotyourmilk
Ummmm surely parents have the privilege of buying presents from Santa and grandparents give gifts from themselves??

Blondebakingmumma · 18/12/2018 08:39

Have children open your gifts first. PIL second.
“Oh what a shame, did you keep the receipt?”

jessstan2 · 18/12/2018 08:43

I don't get the 'trumping' business. Grandparents buying for their grandchildren, you don't have to outdo eachother. I'm sure that isn't the grandparents motive.

Tell them what you have bought so they know not to duplicate, if they already have they can return the gift. However we all get duplicated presents sometimes, not a big deal, and with some things it's quite handy to have two.

Don't let those niggly, defensive feelings spoil anyone else's act of generosity.

Oysterbabe · 18/12/2018 08:43

Ask them what they bought so they can be exchanged if there is duplication. This seems like you're trying to create a problem where one is very easily avoided.

OllyBJolly · 18/12/2018 08:47

Do you think they did this just to annoy you? Not that they are so besotted and in love with their grandchildren that they want to spoil them?

It's not a top trumps contest. It's Christmas. The children's GPs won't always be around - make the most of it when they are.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 18/12/2018 09:06

This seems like you're trying to create a problem where one is very easily avoided.

Doesn't it?

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 18/12/2018 09:10

AIBU to be utterly pissed off?

About something that hasn't even happened yet and you have no idea if it even will? And if it does, it will be because you didn't communicate with them properly in advance about what you were already buying them?

'AIBU?' What do you think?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/12/2018 09:13

Pils have said they've bought some things off the list and some other stuff they know they will want. I don't see the problem here, if they know what the OP has bought why would they duplicate it?

Allthewaves · 18/12/2018 09:14

Tbh never bothered me. Kids don't care who they are from. Saved us a fortune as in laws would splurge so me and dh just literally brought one present and sticking fillers.

Now mil nabbing kids and getting them to open stockings and presents without letting kids wake u - that made me.grrr

masterandmargarita · 18/12/2018 09:22

It's not a competition!

Laiste · 18/12/2018 09:24

There was a thread here one year from a mum who had bought a dolls house for her DD. It was to be the 'big present' from her and she had afforded the best she could on her budget.

Her inlaws found out and went out and bought a dolls house as well. They bought a bigger one and spent much more on it that the OP could possibly afford. That's what present 'trumping' is, for those who say they don't understand. (I'm sure some posters here would still excuse that behavior as just being 'excited grand parents' mind you.)

In this case we can't know what's going on because OP hasn't really told us the details.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/12/2018 09:28

I know what trumping is. I just don't see how it equates to this thread. The inlaws have bought some items off the list and some other stuff they know GC will like too.

My DIL would be over the moon with this. Lots of lovely presents for her dc. It's not a competition between us who can buy the most or best presents. We both love the dc and want the best for them.

Original poster
coffeeneeded · 18/12/2018 09:38

Firstly thanks for all the replies. Some excellent ideas here.

I will use "it's all about the children" as my mantra for the week.

I don't need to give you any more details about my rocky relationship with my in laws- believe me when I say that my dh is also incredibly stressed about the holiday season and their over the top reactions to anything. He is dealing with it the only way he knows how. They are not easy people to be with and talking to them will make them madder.

I will ignore and, if necessary, return gifts

Thanks again.

OP posts:
ShalomJackie · 18/12/2018 09:51

Actually I get what OP means. Eg. She has saved and bought bikes maybe. Ones they can afford. That the kids would love. But gp goes and buys better bikes. Why do this? I think there are some things that the parents want the pleasure of buying for their kids like first bikes.

However if you haven't actually told them we are getting bikes then they may think they are just getting a surprise treat!

sunshinesupermum · 18/12/2018 09:55

My situation as a Mum and Grandmum is that often I've suggested buying something for my grandsons aged 3 and 6 and my DD says either her inlaws are getting that or they want to themselves.

It's hurtful to be 'in competition' so to speak but if there are duplicate gifts I suggest either your inlaws give you the receipts for an exchange or you give the surplus toys away.

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