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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work/life balance?

66 replies

DoYouLikePinaColadas · 17/12/2018 13:20

Posting for traffic. I need to sort this out I get an hour with DD at most of an evening, she's at nursery 10 hours a day at least. I'm the highest earner out of me and DH but after I've paid DD's nursery fees, I've got £400 left out of my wages (I get paid first and therefore just pay them once paid). Our income is considered middle ground but after childcare our outgoings are more than our income.

I'm missing DD's early years for the sake £400 a month of which I take travel out of too and it's starting to grind on me. We need to save to buy and move soon and I can't see it ever happening, I just imagine us all crammed in a one bedroom forever.

What can I do!?

OP posts:
TinselBee · 17/12/2018 13:24

I can't really offer any solid advice but I was in similar position to you.

I ended up going part time as I just missed DS so much and it has been best decision. Not only do I actually get to spend time with DS, I can also keep on top of housework a lot easier and just life in general seems a lot more balanced.

As for money, I keep reminding myself that once DS is in school then I will only have to pay for Breakfast Club and should (in theory) have more money.

AdamNichol · 17/12/2018 13:29

Similar story I'm afraid.

Me and DW full time. DS (7) in breakfast clubs and after school clubs. I leave at 6:00 and get back 18:30, see DS for 2hrs then he's off to bed. DW earns more and works nearer, so does the school run bits (except when she's away for work and I WFH). I have eye-watering London commuting costs; so at the end we have little cash left over.

Been thru all the shows on managing budgets, time, etc; sometimes just ain't enough to go around.

Original poster
DoYouLikePinaColadas · 17/12/2018 21:56

I feel like I'm stuck. I can't go part time because of a prospective (unrealistic) mortgage and I can't afford a mortgage anyway. I'm miserable and missing so much. I just wanted to hear about people who made it work somehow.

OP posts:
Princessmushroom · 17/12/2018 21:58

Can you find ways to make £400 a month from home? I do all sorts from home - matched betting, mystery shopping, surveys, etc and regularly make £1,000+ a month on top of my business (which is my FT job)

Original poster
DoYouLikePinaColadas · 18/12/2018 13:29

DH keeps bringing me back to the fact we so want a mortgage and it'd be hard getting back into work. I've got just over a year and a half until we're eligible for help Sad I just can't see how other people do it!

OP posts:
Camomila · 18/12/2018 13:42

What time do you get in and what time does DD go to sleep? Just trying to see if there's anyway to make your evenings together nicer.

Could one of you switch to 8-4 or even 10-6 so you can have the morning together?

BlingLoving · 18/12/2018 13:51

Is there any option for flexible working in the form of a day or two a week from home? Or slightly shifted hours ie you start crack of dawn while DH does the nursery run, but then you're home earlier?

That way you can pick up DD at the point at which you'd normally be leaving the office, giving you a bit of extra time. Also working from home means that instead of hanging around in the staff kitchen making tea, you can use that time to put a load of washing on or prep something for the slow cooker so suddenly you've got less to do in the evenings/ weekends.

This was the only way I could make it work when I was working full time in a very busy job. They weren't happy about the day from home, but couldn't say no and it literally changed my life. And not commuting that one day was also good as I was just less tired all the time.

RomanyRoots · 18/12/2018 13:54

We moved to a cheaper area and went off grid for a while as a sahp was an essential for us.
Make it happen if that's what you want, make it your priority above everything else. Sometimes it's what you have to do to get the lifestyle choice you want.

christmaschristmaschristmas · 18/12/2018 14:04

It will get better OP.

It was like this when my DC were little and it bothered me. But I couldn't drop down my work as I wanted to progress my career and I had large bills to pay.

Over time it just got to be something I accepted. I try to be totally in the moment when I am with DC and spend all day with them at weekends, which I think makes up for it a bit.

christmaschristmaschristmas · 18/12/2018 14:05

Are you happy with the nursery she is at? I loved mine so it did make it easier to leave DC there as I knew they were being well looked after.

Original poster
DoYouLikePinaColadas · 18/12/2018 20:06

I really like her nursery so far so it's not that. I'm missing a lot, some days I'm out 11 hours a day. It's a massive sacrifice for roughly £400 but I can see DH's point as it's also my concern.

OP posts:
dingdang · 18/12/2018 20:08

Helpfully my daughter was a very early riser so I had from 5am till 7am in the morning with her at that age...

OwlinaTree · 18/12/2018 20:11

It's a long game though. You are not much better off now, but sticking with work means you will be better off in the long run. Of course some people manage a career break and get back in but it's hard generally speaking in many careers.

Notmorewashing · 18/12/2018 20:11

I am in a similar boat we both need to work full time even with the nursery bill it wouldn’t work to have a sahp due to long term careee sacrifice and getting back into work. I spend the whole weekend with them and spread out annual leave days. It’s hard but it’s only a short period of time I figure.

museumum · 18/12/2018 20:19

Can you ask to compress your ft hours into four longer days? You’d miss your dd entirely on the long days but you’d get a whole day off with her and reduce nursery costs.

iamyourequal · 18/12/2018 20:23

It is possible to have a career break and go back to work. It took me a while but I see now that’s because nobody ever gets promoted when part-time to part-time. I would recommend dropping to PT hours until your youngest starts school. Just hold off a bit for the mortgage or buy a more modest property. It must be really tough getting in so late and leaving so early. You might really regret missing out on those baby/toddler times.

Grannyannex · 18/12/2018 20:27

What about working 4 days a week or 3?

Schmoobarb · 18/12/2018 20:29

It is just tough my lovely but hang in there, it gets easier x

Cath2907 · 18/12/2018 20:33

We moved up North meaning a house was 1/4 the price. I also work full time from home. If your job isn’t as flexible as you need is there any possibility of finding one that works better for you?

OstrichRunning · 18/12/2018 20:41

sounds like it would be easier/ more bearable if the mortgage plan was a properly worked out plan and you could see a real, tangible outcome to work towards, even with a timeframe. Is this something you could get help on doing with your dh? At least then the sacrifice would feel like it had a real point, or value, iyswim.

museumum's idea of if poss squishing all hours into four days sounds good. For a while I didn't work Wednesdays and it was great - only ever had two days of work in a row. I know it's not always feasible though

good luck with it.

kayakingmum · 18/12/2018 20:42

Could you and your partner work full time, but do 9 day fortnights so you both have slightly longer days, but would save 20% of the cost of childcare as one of you would be off one day a week?

HollowTalk · 18/12/2018 20:47

I'd stop work and get a job where I could earn £100 pw over evenings and weekends. I would do that for a couple of years at least. I would put off getting a mortgage for a while.

Brighton2 · 18/12/2018 21:06

If you dropped down to 4 days at work your childcare costs would go down so it would work out the same with a mortgage anyway. We bought our first house a few years ago and found that lenders are not as strict as the press make it look. (We’re not high earners and live in an expensive area too)

I think dropping down just by one day should be ok career wise too. (Not speaking from experience)

It might be worth discussing it with a mortgage broker (it’s free)

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 18/12/2018 22:14

You'll be paying such high childcare costs for such a short amount of time. However taking a break could mean less opportunity in the future/less pension/may not be jobs for you to go back to etc.

I was a single parent for ages and tbh had no choice but to work due to no partner to depend on. I am so glad I kept at it because I worked my way up to a manager very quickly and didn't have to rely on benefits which are stressful as they could be stopped etc. Because of working my way up I have more flexibility.

I also find that we pack more quality time into our time together because it is so precious whereas some sahps I know very easily fall into the trap of doing very little as their time is more taken for granted iyswim.

Also, if something happend and you ended up alone you need peace of mind that you could support yourself and your child.

HoHoFuck · 18/12/2018 23:25

Mumsnetters will have my head for this, but could you try to push forward her bedtime and wake-up time so you get to spend more time with her every night?

Also, you mention working at a loss. If you truly are (not that I'm doubting you, but maybe you mean only a small profit) it would be worth considering either you or your DP to go part-time, and go back full time once the free nursery hours kick in.