Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work/life balance?

66 replies

DoYouLikePinaColadas · 17/12/2018 13:20

Posting for traffic. I need to sort this out I get an hour with DD at most of an evening, she's at nursery 10 hours a day at least. I'm the highest earner out of me and DH but after I've paid DD's nursery fees, I've got £400 left out of my wages (I get paid first and therefore just pay them once paid). Our income is considered middle ground but after childcare our outgoings are more than our income.

I'm missing DD's early years for the sake £400 a month of which I take travel out of too and it's starting to grind on me. We need to save to buy and move soon and I can't see it ever happening, I just imagine us all crammed in a one bedroom forever.

What can I do!?

OP posts:
blueshoes · 18/12/2018 23:51

Parenting is a long game. High childcare costs are a pretty short period in your child's life. They need you more when they are older. Hence, try to gain as much seniority and experience as you can now by at least keeping your hand in. You will be in a better position to negotiate more flexibility later when you are more senior.

You will definitely be very grateful for it when your dcs are older and need you there for friendship issues, homework and exams. Older dc are also much more expensive.

As another poster says, hang in there.

Canibuildasnowman · 19/12/2018 06:58

I dropped a day AND got flexible working. Not the best for my career but it was life changing. DW has a long 5 day commute and international travel but got a WFH day agreed. Our kids now get to do play dates and activities, we never miss an event, and get to walk them to school or pick up a couple of times a week.

Hohocabbage · 19/12/2018 07:04

Should be your dp to go part time since his wage is lower. As well as giving your dd a break from nursery he could do shopping or something to give you more free time at the weekend.

Needadoughnut · 19/12/2018 07:12

I make £400 a month and only work two days. For me it's not enough, but what I'm trying to say is that there are ways to make that amount of money fairly easily. I really dislike my job, but the main bright side is that imcam fit the hours at my convenience

Hohocabbage · 19/12/2018 07:14

The minute the childcare bill goes down she will be on much more than £400. And the £400 is only if you look at her as a single parent, which she isn’t.

christmaspuddingyumyumyum · 19/12/2018 07:24

Your daughter will never be this age again. There will always be time for a mortgage, bigger house etc later. Try to find a way to reduce your hours or give up completely, otherwise you sound like you will live with regrets.

Girlsnightin · 19/12/2018 07:53

But you are not working for £400?
Your DH pays half the childcare?
I know the bill comes out your wage as you are paid first but dont you pool all your wages, or get DH to transfer his half once hes paid?
Going part time is Going to hold you back in so many ways longer term, pension, mortgage etc. Especially as you said you are the highest earner.

RedSkyLastNight · 19/12/2018 08:01

£400 is not the only reason that you are working though.
You are also developng your career.
You are also building up a pension.
As others have said, this is the hardest part of working (when your DC are small) but as she gets older childcare costs come down, you are most likely earning more and you don't have a career gap to overcome on your CV.

Girlsnightin why do people always feel the need to comment that childcare is a joint expense on these threads?? It's clear that OP is talking about net benefit to her family of her working. That's the same whether she pays all the childcare bill or her DH pays all of it or if they split it.

OP - if you can't work part time is compressed hours (work 10 days over 9) a feasible option? Or 5 days over 4.5?

TiddleTaddleTat · 19/12/2018 08:06

Agree with a PP - work out a proper plan for the mortgage - what could you afford, how much deposit do you need, how many months would you need to save for ?
Once you have that info you can weigh that up against your current dissatisfaction with not seeing much of your baby.
I presume you are in London?
It is really hard. We moved away in order to afford to work PT.

Sallycinnamum · 19/12/2018 08:07

I would really urge you not to leave the workplace especially with the shitstorm of Brexit on the horizon.

I made that mistake with my DS and it's taken 7 years to get back to what i was earming pre DC.

What saved me was WFH 2 days a week so I get to do the school run and DH also WFH 2 days a week so there's only one day when we're both out of the house.

I know we're lucky to work flexibly but more and more businesses are embracing it now.

It does get a million times easier when they're at school too.

anniehm · 19/12/2018 08:12

I didn't work outside the home, they are only young for a short time. We rented until they were both in school, we had a one bed flat at first (until dd was 18 months) then I got a part time job managing an apartment building (50 flats) mostly cleaning and I collected the rent (they didn't do direct debit in the us) so could keep dd with me, my boss bought her a pretend vacuum cleaner!

Original poster
DoYouLikePinaColadas · 19/12/2018 08:19

I'm outskirts of London but it's enough to feel it. If DH had money I'd be demanding he contributed but we have a joint account for bills and we've both assessed his over the last couple of months too.

I hadn't thought of Brexit but that is a good point!

OP posts:
Needadoughnut · 19/12/2018 08:24

I'll tell you my story... Worked FT when DD was small... Climbed the corporate ladder for the dream house, car, holidays, etc... Yes we had a nice life but at what cost? Fast forward 7 years, I was made redundant (can't find a decent job so now work three jobs to barely make ends meet). And have to go into my pension fund to be able to afford to live. The morale of my story is that it can all disappear with the blink of an eye and those years never come back.

Crimson72 · 19/12/2018 08:46

Can you find ways to make £400 a month from home? I do all sorts from home - matched betting, mystery shopping, surveys, etc and regularly make £1,000+ a month on top of my business (which is my FT job)

Is that really possible @princessmushroom? Sounds amazing!

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 19/12/2018 09:13

I wouldn't be leaving the workplace, but based on the information you've give us, I think it's a realistic possibility that one or both of you going down to 4 days wouldn't make you any worse off.

You said you're only left with £400 a month after nursery fees. That sounds like even though you both work and you're the higher earner, you're deducting childcare from your salary alone. If the nursery place is perhaps £1200 a month, that's about average for London isn't it, that suggests you're not a particularly high earner. £1600 a month after tax, student loan and a few quid in pension is what, 25k or so? And your DH is on even less. The 5th day of the week is always the worst paid because that's the one you're paying full deductions on.

If you're on 25k paying student loan and 3% pension, and you went down to 0.8 FTE, you'd lose about £240 a month for dropping that day. I bet your childcare and transport for that extra day rushes you more than that. If DH earns less than you then it's even more likely that he's losing money by working the 5th day. There are pensions to consider too, but I suspect at your age you're on defined contribution not benefit...

With that in mind, in your circumstances I would be considering the possibility of one or both of you dropping a day at least until the free hours kick in. There's the issue of career progression to consider as well, and only you know how dropping hours would be seen in your line of work. If it's going to leave you with a target on your back then maybe not. But something to think about.

Also to be quite honest, speaking as a middle income professional in the north who lives very comfortably, I'd advise anyone who's a moderate earner in the London area to critically examine whether they really need to be there. If you love the city and lifestyle enough to compensate for the housing situation and cost of living, fair enough. Sounds like you don't though?

RJnomore1 · 19/12/2018 09:18

You're doing your maths wrong.

You're not working for £400 you're working for long term financial stability and pension and the ability to take care of your family.

We need to get out of this habit of thinking women's salary - childcare is our net profit for working.

As your dh is a lower earner can he drop a day or two at work the financial hit of lowering his earning versus the gain of reducing childcare is going to be greater.

Or is this really about "mumguilt" in which case why doesn't he feel guilty for leaving your child for less net income than you do.

Or have I totally misunderstood and you're just knackered?

swingofthings · 19/12/2018 09:43

Another one who says hang in there. Thus was me 16 years ago. It was so disheartning and e hasting but it got better and I'm now so glad I sticked to it.

Kids are now 19 and 16, the mortgage is paid off and we can afford a great life. I am still friends with mums who opted to reduce their hours or stopped work, and it worked for them, but they now contemplate working until they are 70 to pay their mortgage, stressed helping their kids pay for Uni, promotions going to more eager youngsters.

Neither option is great but it won't be all for nothing.

Believeitornot · 19/12/2018 09:45

£400 isn’t something to sniff at!

Your dd will only be in nursery for a few years then once she hits school it’ll be cheaper.

Do you enjoy your job.....

EvaHarknessRose · 19/12/2018 09:46

Can i suggest you Look at finances and childcare needs over the next ten years - on the one hand childcare costs may reduce when she starts school, on the other hand, wraparound care for the same hours your nursery provides can be hard to find, plus more parent involvement will be on the cards with school and important to your dd (doing some pick ups, attending events on occasion).

You sound unhappy, and for that reason alone something needs to change. Bear in mind that this is quite a normal breadwinner pressure.

Believeitornot · 19/12/2018 09:46

'm outskirts of London but it's enough to feel it. If DH had money I'd be demanding he contributed but we have a joint account for bills and we've both assessed his over the last couple of months too

Your finances sound bizarre.

Surely better to pool all finances. Your dd is both your child, you both work, so you both pay childcare.

Your dh - could he reduce his hours then you can reduce your childcare costs.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 19/12/2018 09:47

What are both of your salaries OP, and how much is the nursery?

DowntonCrabby · 19/12/2018 09:50

I’d try and condense hours to have a day/half day home with DD and less of a childcare cost.

When you apply for a mortgage you’ll need your income on paper but as they’ll take your childcare cost into account for affordability I’d try and push that down or wait until you’re getting some hours funded.

We have a great work/life balance now the kids are both 5+, it was only manageable when our youngest was 0-4 as I worked part time shifts so we sacrificed a decent double income for a good few years.

Allthewaves · 19/12/2018 09:53

Could dh cut his hours

ChoudeBruxelles · 19/12/2018 09:58

Can you condense your hours to work day 3 long days and 2 shorter ones?

irregularegular · 19/12/2018 10:01

Actually if you are the higher earner then it is DH who is working for very little (less than 400). But I assume he doesn't want to stop working and you do? I'd certainly consider reducing your days while she is very small. Spend more time with DD, probably not reduce your take-home pay very much, and still keep your hand in at work. I did 3-4 days a week for 3 years.