Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so frigging angry with DH

65 replies

AngryLittleWildChild · 17/12/2018 01:35

DH has had a long history of shit in his life culminating in severe depression, suicide attempts this year and alcohol abuse.

Have taken him to see numerous doctors about his depression and he is now on medication that seems to be working.

The alcohol issue has been spoken about on various occasions and I've told him it needs to stop. He did stop for three weeks then reverted to drinking every other day and then slowly increases back to a bottle per night.

Last month he made DC cry by telling them that 'mummy doesn't love us, you will have a new daddy soon' whilst drunk. I went nuclear the next day and told him this was unacceptable and he had to stop or he would be leaving I will not allow my DC to be brought up around this.

Flash forward to This evening and he has Drunk himself into a mess and thrown up all over our bed resulting in me now having to change duvets, sheets, pillows, mattress toppers the lot.

I know he is unwell with depression and I know alcoholism is an addiction with which he needs help to stop but I can't take this anymore! He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC but once he has had a drink he just turns into this extremely unpleasant being that I can't bare to be around and I refuse to let this be mine and DC's life.

I want to support him, I want him to be better but they have to come first.

OP posts:
Catmum26 · 17/12/2018 01:40

leave him. at least for now until he sorts his shit out. you are right your kids come first and he clearly can’t see that or else he wouldn’t be behaving how he is. hopefully you leaving will be the kick up the backside he needs. and if not then at least your kids aren’t growing up around it. i grew up around an alcoholic as my mum married one. in the end it ruined mine and hers relationship for my whole teenage years and we have only just started to get it back now 15 years later. you love him so it will be hard but you need to protect your kids.

Weezol · 17/12/2018 01:43

He needs to move out. I say this as someone with eight years sobriety.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2018 01:45

You want to support him but you can't help him. This is all his responsibility. Don't allow him to destroy your life and that of your children. I would tell him to leave immediately.

TeaPot496 · 17/12/2018 01:45

Alanon - for families / friends of alcoholics: www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Invaluable support. You can't change it, you can't control it. HE needs to. You need to look after yourself and your DC.

busybarbara · 17/12/2018 01:46

He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC

Good, what he needs to do is get help and sober up whatever it takes.

Purpleartichoke · 17/12/2018 01:48

As the child of an alcoholic, please protect your children above all else. It isn’t your job to fix him. It is your job to become a momma bear and shield them from the harm he is doing to them.

aintnopartylikeansclubparty · 17/12/2018 01:51

My dad's dad was an alcoholic. My dad as an adult hated both his parents. His dad for drinking and his mum for enabling it. I think he actually hated his mum more, and was barely speaking to her.
I'd tell him to leave op.

SilverLining10 · 17/12/2018 01:53

Nah hes ruining your kids and your lives in the meantime. Leave him. Your kids are way too important than you trying to help him. If he is as great as you say he is then he will try to change for you and the DC.

FishFingersAndCustard11 · 17/12/2018 01:53

Your child comes first. He has started saying hurtful things to your child. You don't need to end the relationship, just get him to move out and get help.

giftsonthebrain · 17/12/2018 01:55

If he really really was loving and willing to do anything for you, he would.
Sadly de doesn’t want to.
Seperate till he sobers up.

tildaMa · 17/12/2018 02:05

He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC

Why won't he stop drinking for you and DC then?

Original poster
AngryLittleWildChild · 17/12/2018 02:08

Tbh I think he uses the drink to help him fall asleep, art of his depression is severe insomnia. I've been hoping once the depression starts to lift we could work on the drink but I don't think I can stick this out anymore

OP posts:
LittlePaintBox · 17/12/2018 02:12

I have a friend who was married to an alcoholic. She stuck with him because she believed he couldn't cope on his own, even though her life was completely miserable. Eventually he left her for someone else. Sadly, he died a couple of years after this of complications arising from his alcoholism.

Unfortunately, only he can save himself from his disease, you need to look after yourself and your children.

Weezol · 17/12/2018 02:17

Alcohol is a depressant.

You may not realise it, but you are enabling his drinking. He gets to wake up in a clean bed tomorrow - zero consequences.

He needs to be in place on his own where, if he makes a mess like this, he wakes up in it. Where there is no-one doing the laundry, filling the fridge and making sure that the bills are paid.

Original poster
AngryLittleWildChild · 17/12/2018 02:23

I think if I'm honest the o my reason he is still in this house is I can't bare the thought of him committing suicide which is a very real possibility with how he has been this year.

In reality if I look at our situation I genuinely dont think I do love him anymore, but he is DC's father and I wouldnt want to take that away DC absolutely adore him

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryLittleWildChild · 17/12/2018 02:26

Only*

OP posts:
tildaMa · 17/12/2018 02:27

he is DC's father and I wouldnt want to take that away

But it's already him taking it away from DC, one bottle at a time.

TeaPot496 · 17/12/2018 02:32

You are not responsible for him. If he kills himself it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do or could have done. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your child NOW.

I notice you say "we could work on the drink", "Have taken him to see numerous doctors". He's not your child, you can't change him - he has to be the one doing it himself, 100%, and he might or might not succeed.

You can't make it right for your child. Your child is already getting hurt.

I'm sorry x

TeaPot496 · 17/12/2018 02:34

Addicts frequently don't change until they hit rock bottom, alone.

Santasushi · 17/12/2018 02:35

Another with an alcoholic parent. My mum left my dad after years of trying to ‘fix’ him.
He didn’t want fixing.
I had never not known him to be drunk. He was my dad, that’s just how he was. I didn’t realise until my teens that other people’s dads weren’t like him. He was never nasty just a mess.
We had the suicide attempts too. We weren’t a protective factor. That hurt.

Years later we are really close, he has stopped drinking. I am really proud of him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/12/2018 02:38

You do realise that every time he kicks off, every time he makes them cry, every time they see the drunk him, he is hurting them and you are not stopping it? That is what they will remember. You see posts like this on MN all the time "Mum didnt want to split the family up, but I wish she had...."

The alternative is that they remember Mummy making sure that they were safe and happy while Daddy (hopefully) dealt with his addiction.

Its up to you. Flowers

delboysskinandblister · 17/12/2018 02:46

As hard as it is to hear tough love is the option now. You have to put yourself and dc first. It will actually help DH more than what you are doing currently. I do feel for you and I wish you and your family every success. You know what you have to do. Start with AlAnon as pp said. They will give you real life support. You do need this don't go it alone.Flowers

differentnameforthis · 17/12/2018 02:50

He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC but once he has had a drink he just turns into this extremely unpleasant being that I can't bare to be around and I refuse to let this be mine and DC's life.

The alcohol doesn't turn him into an extremely unpleasant being it's who he is. The alcohol makes the mask slip.

Juanbablo · 17/12/2018 02:53

You need to leave him. Or he needs to leave. My dad was an alcoholic. Don't put your kids through that.

Graphista · 17/12/2018 03:00

"He needs to move out. I say this as someone with eight years sobriety." Yes I've found people who have struggled with addiction themselves are the most honest and accurate in how it should be dealt with.

I am the daughter, granddaughter, niece & cousin of alcoholics - recovering, dry drunk and actively addicted.

Put your DC first. They are innocent and don't deserve this.

Alcoholism is slow suicide, rots the body from the inside out. Most people are aware of liver effects, a bit less pancreas, but it affects every organ, every biological system inc the brain (alcoholic dementia). My father has basically for 25 years been dying slowly in agonising pain. He's on shitloads of meds, inc morphine and is still in agony hourly let alone daily. My other relatives have had to have organs, parts of body removed due to the damage alcoholism has done - and even many years after quitting, continues to do. It's an insidious, underestimated, fatal toxin.

You are also not responsible for his depression & his not treating it appropriately. And I say that as someone with serious mh issues myself inc depression.

I'd be interested to know (but don't want you to respond) the circumstances of the suicide attempts, because I'm fairly confident there could well be elements of emotional blackmail involved.

Addicts are the best con men in the world. They are masterful manipulators, liars and actors - and they'll tell you this themselves if they get sober, it's why they're also very good at spotting what active addicts are up to and how their minds work.

I wish my mum has left my dad. Not only to protect us from the addiction & abuse. But I genuinely believe it would have made him get the help he needed. As it is, while he's physically sober he never chose sobriety and so is still very much an addict.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread