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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so frigging angry with DH

65 replies

AngryLittleWildChild · 17/12/2018 01:35

DH has had a long history of shit in his life culminating in severe depression, suicide attempts this year and alcohol abuse.

Have taken him to see numerous doctors about his depression and he is now on medication that seems to be working.

The alcohol issue has been spoken about on various occasions and I've told him it needs to stop. He did stop for three weeks then reverted to drinking every other day and then slowly increases back to a bottle per night.

Last month he made DC cry by telling them that 'mummy doesn't love us, you will have a new daddy soon' whilst drunk. I went nuclear the next day and told him this was unacceptable and he had to stop or he would be leaving I will not allow my DC to be brought up around this.

Flash forward to This evening and he has Drunk himself into a mess and thrown up all over our bed resulting in me now having to change duvets, sheets, pillows, mattress toppers the lot.

I know he is unwell with depression and I know alcoholism is an addiction with which he needs help to stop but I can't take this anymore! He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC but once he has had a drink he just turns into this extremely unpleasant being that I can't bare to be around and I refuse to let this be mine and DC's life.

I want to support him, I want him to be better but they have to come first.

OP posts:

Seaweed42 · 17/12/2018 23:07

On no account leave him alone with the kids or allow him to take them anywhere on his own.

BarbarianMum · 17/12/2018 23:08

Your kids love him.

Please dont wait until they hate him - and you - before you make him leave.

Giraffey1 · 17/12/2018 23:10

Tell him when he is sober that he is to move out immediately and that if he wants to have any hope of having any sort of life with you and DC that he must deal with his drink problems. Don’t allow yourself to be persuaded he will stop there and then. He won’t. He needs to take action to demonstrate you and the children really matter to him. It’ll be hard but you need to do this. You can’t fix him, he has to want to get fixed.

Pearlgrey1 · 17/12/2018 23:11

As a child from a similar situation you need to ask him to leave for your dcs sake. As much as you feel guilty and responsible for him you may be resented by your DCs in the future if not.

sj257 · 17/12/2018 23:13

I don’t think you really need to ask do you? It’s not good for kids to witness that

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 17/12/2018 23:15

He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC but once he has had a drink he just turns into this extremely unpleasant being that I can't bare to be around and I refuse to let this be mine and DC's life.

As with PPs, I say this from decades of experience from childhood through to adulthood - it doesn't matter how loving or nice someone is "Except for when" when that happens more than once a year. And I suspect that this is nearer to a daily occurrence rather than a 'once in a blue moon' event.

The damage to you and the children is incalculable.

cestlavielife · 17/12/2018 23:17

told him this was unacceptable and he had to stop or he would be leaving

He didn't stop
So he has to leave
Or did you not really mean it ?
You won't be responsible if he kills himself
He leaves or you and dc do
Tomortow morning

Inertia · 17/12/2018 23:19

Don't kid yourself that he would do anything for you and the DC. Clearly he won't , because he won't address his addiction.

He would say anything to persuade you that he's an adequate father, because you're enabling him.

He is responsible for what he does to himself, and if he commits suicide then there's nothing you can do to stop it. He can choose to wreck his life or get sober. At the moment, he is wrecking his life, your life, and most importantly the lives of his children. You have to put their wellbeing first, not his.

Laine21 · 17/12/2018 23:19

an old friend battled the demons for years, he eventually failed and was found dead. unfortunately his sons watched all the dramas all their young lives. One of his sons began to have similar problems about a year before his dad died. It took his wife years to realise she couldn't cure or help him. His life and subsequent death caused so much anger for his wife and sons, and sadness for those of us who tried to be there for him when he wanted us........ but he wanted the drink more :-( Your priority is your DC and your own sanity.

CheshireChat · 17/12/2018 23:21

AngryLittleWildChild do you have any support? Are you financially dependent on him- probably not if he's this unstable, but are you able to up and leave?

DishingOutDone · 17/12/2018 23:31

Does he have family he can go to? Or do you have somewhere you can go with the kids? you must split up - if he can get into recovery you can decide what to do once he's had a certain amount of time sober - but you cant enable him to continue this.

TatianaLarina · 17/12/2018 23:41

You have to choose between protecting him and protecting your children.

Letsmove1t · 17/12/2018 23:43

OP it’s great that you want to fix this, the only influence you have is over your kids, do the right thing and save them, DH must move out. No hostility, it’s a positive all round and once Daddy is better he can come back is the approach you take and they can still see him ( away from home with you) Him moving out is good news and to be encouraged with smiles all round and kick the f**r out if he won’t go willingly, make sure he knows the door is open when he’s better

Wildheartsease · 17/12/2018 23:48

If only another person could cure an alcoholic.

Your post suggests that you would be that person for him.
Sadly I haven't heard of it happening.

You can save the children of an alcoholic though - from the experience of seeing their Dad slowly destroy himself and his family -and from the possibility of seeing his behaviour as their own futures.

This is a heart-breaking choice for you - but really it isn't a choice at all. Have you some good support?

BernardoTeashop · 18/12/2018 00:28

Another adult child of an alcoholic parent here. My sister and I are in our 40s and I can’t tell you the damage it has done to us.
Please remove your children from this situation. They deserve so much better than a lifetime of anxiety

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