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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be so frigging angry with DH

65 replies

AngryLittleWildChild · 17/12/2018 01:35

DH has had a long history of shit in his life culminating in severe depression, suicide attempts this year and alcohol abuse.

Have taken him to see numerous doctors about his depression and he is now on medication that seems to be working.

The alcohol issue has been spoken about on various occasions and I've told him it needs to stop. He did stop for three weeks then reverted to drinking every other day and then slowly increases back to a bottle per night.

Last month he made DC cry by telling them that 'mummy doesn't love us, you will have a new daddy soon' whilst drunk. I went nuclear the next day and told him this was unacceptable and he had to stop or he would be leaving I will not allow my DC to be brought up around this.

Flash forward to This evening and he has Drunk himself into a mess and thrown up all over our bed resulting in me now having to change duvets, sheets, pillows, mattress toppers the lot.

I know he is unwell with depression and I know alcoholism is an addiction with which he needs help to stop but I can't take this anymore! He is genuinely the most loving guy in the world and would do anything for me and DC but once he has had a drink he just turns into this extremely unpleasant being that I can't bare to be around and I refuse to let this be mine and DC's life.

I want to support him, I want him to be better but they have to come first.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 17/12/2018 03:07

Alcohol is a depressant, the depression won't lift while he is still drinking.

Purpleartichoke · 17/12/2018 04:22

If he gets sober and gets proper treatment for his mental health issues, you might be able to reconcile. If he is truly a good husband and father, he will thank you for taking care of his children and protecting them.

thegreatbeyond · 17/12/2018 04:40

Telling your child you don't love them is a nasty, manipulative way of keeping you with him. He needs to leave.

Coyoacan · 17/12/2018 05:15

So sorry you are in this situation, OP. Go to Al Anon while you make up your mind at least.

Alcohol is indeed a depressant. He needs to up his vitamin B intake (as alcohol removes vitamin B from the system) and stop drinking, but only he can make that decision, meanwhile the children of alcoholics grow up with lots of problems, including a higher risk of alcoholism.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/12/2018 05:26

I also think you can’t stay with him to prevent a suicide attempt. Your child deserves more. If he decides to kill himself he can do that easily whether or not you are around. It sounds as though some anti anxiety medication or anti depressant would be far better. Perhaps some sleeping pills. But no doctor would give those to an alcoholic.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/12/2018 05:30

I know your dh isn’t nasty like this dil. But note this alcoholic Male has now managed to create an alcoholic ds and grandson. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3453212-I-know-IABU-re-PIL-and-money-please-help-me-not-be-bitter-and-resentful?msgid=83382783

I’m sure you don’t want this for your ds. Being around someone with clear mental health issues especially ones they refuse to deal with creates children with mental health issues.

givemesteel · 17/12/2018 05:31

It's good that he has help with the depression.

Agree that he needs to move out whilst he sorts himself out fir the same of your dc.

If he actually wants to get himself out of it then he needs to get proper help, he needs to be referred for proper help, there are meds that are proven to help recovery from alcoholism. Alot of addicts need professional help, but he needs to actually do it.

It doesn't mean that you can't see him or be involved but you need to stop enabling his addiction.

NotANotMan · 17/12/2018 05:32

He will ruin his kids lives if he carries on like this. I'm not exaggerating. You need to protect them from this.

Buxtonstill · 17/12/2018 22:03

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your kids don’t deserve a life like this, and neither do you. It’s your natural instinct to protect him and help him, but your children should be your priority as they bear no responsibility or control over the situation, he does.
I don’t underestimate how hard it must be for you, and I wish you every strength to take that first step on your new road. You can do this my love xxx

Greyhorses · 17/12/2018 22:08

My mum was an alcoholic with depression who also tried numerous suicide attempts. As children I remember her telling us “mummy won’t be around much longer” and other similar things. I also remember spending most of my childhood worried about her.

Please get your kids away from him until he is sober.

CottonTailRabbit · 17/12/2018 22:14

Your children have to live every day with a drunk man who says horrible things to them.

Yet you think but he is DC's father and I wouldnt want to take that away DC absolutely adore him

Your children are living their actual lives with an alcoholic father and an enabling mother who will excuse anything the man does.

They are not living some made up fantasy beautifully parented life that it would be just awful to tear them away from.

My parents tried to say they stayed together for the sake of the children. Utter bastards blaming us for their lack of backbone to do the right thing. Like we wanted them to be miserable. Like having one house was worth the constant atmosphere and threat hanging over everyone. Don't blame your children for your unwillingness to stand up to a man.

PersonaNonGarter · 17/12/2018 22:15

You are already putting your DC through too much. Sorry, but you have to wake up. This is their childhood. He isn’t going to change while you are there to strip the bed.

And yes, he is depressed BECAUSE he is drinking.

FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles · 17/12/2018 22:15

I am the child of an alcoholic.

Please, please, please, I cannot stress this enough, please remove your children from this situation.

I understand that they love their dad and don't want things to change, Yes, they won't like it, yes they'll be upset, but if you leave him it will be for their own good, and yours. You have to protect them from the toxic emotional shit that entails living with an alcoholic. It is so, so damaging. Having an alcoholic parent has deeply impacted my life. I think thing would have been so much better for me in terms of self esteem and mental health, if I hadn't grown up in that environment.

TheCrowFromBelow · 17/12/2018 22:27

How old are your DC? as they may think the world of him now but give it a few years and they will see him for what he is.

AnoukSpirit · 17/12/2018 22:41

You do realise that every time he kicks off, every time he makes them cry, every time they see the drunk him, he is hurting them and you are not stopping it? That is what they will remember. You see posts like this on MN all the time "Mum didnt want to split the family up, but I wish she had...."

I doubt they "adore" the man who deliberately makes them cry anywhere near as much as you're telling yourself they do.

You can't save him from himself, but you can damn well save your children from being damaged by him. They don't have the power to protect themselves, but you do.

And in all seriousness, I do not believe that a genuinely lovely human being would suddenly become emotionally abusive once drunk if they didn't already want to be abusive.

LanaorAna2 · 17/12/2018 22:43

Out. You've enabled enough.

OhLemons · 17/12/2018 22:51

I went nuclear the next day and told him this was unacceptable and he had to stop or he would be leaving I will not allow my DC to be brought up around this.

Yet he's drinking again? Your words meant nothing to him, probably because he doesn't believe you will follow through on them. Even if he did, the thought of losing you and his children hasn't sent him running off to AA has it?

If you had an illness that resulted in making your children cry, wouldn't you do all you could to get better. It's great he's getting help for his depression, but he could be doing more.

UnleashTheBulsara · 17/12/2018 22:54

You CAN'T help him.

But you can, and should, help your children. They are helpless and vulnerable and relying on YOU to keep them safe and protect them. It wouldn't be you destroying the family, it is your alcoholic husband destroying it.

When people get drunk, they lose their inhibitions and show you what they really are.

"Everybody wears a mask. It's what's underneath it that counts..."

ClarabellaCTL · 17/12/2018 22:57

My Mum was an alcoholic, my Dad enabled her. It damaged me, and has left me with serious problems with my self worth and an unhealthy relationship with booze. I remember at the age of about 11/12, lying in bed with my pillow over my head so I couldn't hear her throwing up, but also being terrified to fall asleep in case she choked and my Dad didn't hear her. I remember being in the back of the car when my Dad went to pick her up from a night out and her throwing up all over herself and then falling up the path to the house. I hated it, I hated her and she always said sorry and then did it again a few months later. When I was older I used to dread coming home as I knew she'd be sitting on the sofa with a vodka in her hand, and she would have this sneer on her face that told me what kind of mood she was in. I spent as much of my life in my room as I could to avoid pissing her off.

She got cancer when I was 18. She stopped drinking then and I got my Mum back for 3 years until she died.

Please, please take your children away from that and break the cycle. Only he can help himself. Only you can protect your kids.

TheNavigator · 17/12/2018 22:57

Honestly, please, get out now while you can. My mums husband (refuse to call the fucker stepdad) is an alcoholic and at 69 has dementia caused by alcohol abuse & my mum is now his carer. Utterly grim & this could be your future. You want to retire with a husband who can't tell the time & makes you get out of bed at 1am, because it is time to get up & he doesn't know night from day? This is your future get out now.

Parky04 · 17/12/2018 22:59

Nope I wouldn't put up with this. Life can be so much better.

supersop60 · 17/12/2018 23:00

Please protect your children. Don't let this be their story.

FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles · 17/12/2018 23:03

You can’t fix him. Don’t waste any more time trying.

Focus your energy on protecting yourself and your DCs.

CheshireChat · 17/12/2018 23:03

I think it's quite telling that all the posters with alcoholic parents are telling you to run for the hills- I'm yet another voice telling you the same thing, if he sobers up he can have another chance.

You'll get people bleating about 'in sickness and in health' shit, but your kids haven't signed up for any of this shit.

category12 · 17/12/2018 23:06

I've been hoping once the depression starts to lift we could work on the drink

He's not going to find his way out of his depression while he's drinking. Alcohol is a depressant - it lowers serotonin.

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