I know IABU re PIL and money - please help me not be bitter and resentful

[ravencaw]

I have NC for this but am a regular poster, some may recognise my PIL from other posts but I'd rather not have it all linked up.

I will keep this as brief as possible and try not to be defensive, but there is obviously 25 years of painful backstory before this.

FIL is an odd and deeply unpleasant man. He was an alcoholic during DH childhood and DH had periods of being removed from the home due to violence and neglect. He was physically bullied by his older brother who was drinking heavily and abusing drugs by the age of 15. After BIL threw his mother down the stairs and nearly killed her FIL stopped drinking overnight and became a devoutly religious catholic.

This means that he cannot engage with any normal life as the church is paramount. He does not want a relationship with us because we are atheists. BIL is a catholic now, he does not attend church but has had a spiritual awakening and FIL has to fund him as he has 'lapses' when he is extremely violent and behaves in a terrifying way - this is because he is 'with the devil' and FIL has bailed him out financially to the tune of at least £100K over the years - MIL tells DH this and cries.

I have never had so much as a conversation with either PIL. The first time I visited when I was 18 I was told by FIL that he didn't like Northerners or working class people (I am clearly both) and a lot of nasty jokes were made about my parents professions, no of kids (referred to as a swarm by FIL), accents etc and a lot was made of my grandmothers age etc. In addition to that I woke up in the night (I was made to sleep on the floor in the dinning room but DH snuck down in the night and we fell asleep cuddling on the sofa) and found FIL in the room starring at me which really frightened me. So I always kept my distance.

We found out 10 years ago that BIL had a child with a 16YO girl when he was 25. He abandoned her, denying paternity and violently assaulted her when she tried to confront him. She went to see FIL at work and was 'paid off' to leave BIL alone. She was looked down on for being a poor working class girl and treated with utter contempt. They did not acknowledge their GS. 10 years on, the woman has problems and SS were involved and contacted them asking them to care for DS. They refused but did see him intermittently to provide "gods grace' and 'guidance'. Separately we formed a very good relationship with DN and had him to stay every other weekend. I immediately recognised he had FAS and ADHD as well as other SEN. We managed to help his foster carers get him into a great school and funded a range of other support for him. After another 2 years BIL contacted social services and applied for and gained custody. DN could not cope and repeatedly ran away and sometimes turned upon at our house assaulted and very distressed. It was very hard to cope with PIL lying to protect BIL and smearing DN constantly.

Eventually DN ran away to his old home town and slept rough for a period. We searched for him and found him (it was not easy as it was 200miles from home), we got him into a hostel and then a sheltered flat and an apprenticeship. At this point PIL turned up and for some reason gave DN £1K so he abandoned his work and started taking drugs. I was very firm with him that we would not find him and he had to work, and I got him an interview which he did well at and got a job. He stopped working 3 months later and started blocking our calls/texts etc. He even blocked me on facebook but I could see his account from my work account which he did not block. I became aware of lavish expenditure and was concerned he was being groomed for 'county lines' work. Dh contacted PIL and was verbally abused and told DN had found 'grace in god' and was reaping the rewards. I was really very worried.

Last year PIL called DH very early one morning and told him DN had been arrested for theft. FIL had been giving him huge sums of money for 2 years - over £50K in this period. When they cut him off he broke into an ex girlfriends property and stole a phone and a laptop. He then went on a spree of shoplifting and ended up with a 6 month prison sentence.

Meanwhile we have worked hard, bought a small house, had 2 DC, done the best we can, had very few holidays etc. We are happy on the whole, but things have been tough. I work 60 hrs a week DH works 40 and does all the household stuff. Our DC are doing well, DS is exceptionally gifted academically and we have done all we can to support him so he is predicated all level 9's at GCSE and has been recommended he tries for Oxbridge or something like that. DD is younger but doing very well.

I am bitter and resentful about the money, the way they have treated us and the way they scorn us. I know they can spend the money they inherited on whatever they want. I know I wouldn't swap with anyone and that DC will do well alone, standing on their own 2 feet.

Xmas they will get £10 in a deeply religious card with 'fond regards'. Birthdays the same. I want to make peace with this and their appalling behaviour and attitude. They are awful, I cannot change them, they will never love or care about my DC, I know all this and need to accept it and stop feeling intermittent rage.

Thank you for reading this long miserable story, and sorry for being such a misery guts, I just need to get it off my chest before Xmas. Can anyone help me. Please be kind, as I am sure you can tell I am feeling fragile.

I'm sorry that is so long, thank you to anyone who gets thru it :(

I suspect the rage isn't really about money. Money is the focus. But the real problem is that they are horrible, hurtful, cruel hypocrites.

Be glad that you are not in thrall to them. Can you cut them out completely? By not having any knowledge of their day to day goings on it might be easier to feel less riled.

Bloody hell. They sound awful. I don't know how to help you move on. Can you cut all contact with them? I do think your DC are much luckier to have had no contact with them and are reaping the rewards.

Money, love (or the lack of it) and in-laws / parents always have the potential to cause trouble but your situation is particularly unfair. I'm not surprised you find it hard to reconcile yourself to this behaviour. No solutions except to congratulate you on your desire to put this to one side and to focus on all that you and your DC have. It sounds as if you are much better off not having to include your PiL/BiL in your lives and not feeling beholden to any of them. I think I'd be inclined to start behaving as if they simply don't exist. Just cut them off entirely. And enjoy the space and silence.

They sound really nasty. I'd go NC, but it may not be so easy for your DH, they're still his parents, after all.

Awful bloody hypocrites, imo.

Would you really want money from this lot and be beholden in any way? Not me. I'd rather set it on fire.
Sounds like you're in a much better place without them.

If they give you money, they will want access to your DCs. They will use it to control you and your DCs. You are far far better off without these toxic relationships.

What a story OP. In all honesty I think you'd be so much better off if you cut them out of your life and your thoughts. You don't need their money or their approval and they don't even deserve to take up any of your headspace

Tbh OP I would be concerned if you weren’t upset by the whole situation

It is totally shit.

I feel for you. Really I do.

You have done amazingly with the hurdles that have been thrown at you

I wouldn't want a single pound of their fucking money and nor should you.

And that isn't half the story, sometimes I tell someone a story in RL and I see them twitch with disbelief - no one can really be that bad - but they are.

Thank you all, I dont want a fucking thing from them, I know.

My bitterness rose when I found out DS had been saving every penny from his part time job (turning down nights out with friends etc) to save up for Uni. It suddenly just hit me what £25K each would do for them in terms of 'setting them up for life'.

I had nothing and have done ok and they will too, better than ok if they work hard, I know this. It just grinds my gears at times.

I really don’t think this has anything to do with religion. I was brought up RC. My grandparents were devote. They were nothing like this! That’s being an arse hole disguised with being religious!

To be honest I would be glad they weren't involved in my dc lives. They are dangerous and have destroyed poor DN.

I would go NC totally and warn dc about having any involvement with them in the future.

We are NC with BIL for 7 years - blissful relief. He got very drunk and turned up at our house demanding access to DN and threatening DH. I somewhat lost the plot and got rid of him by giving him. He then started sending DH very abusive messages so we went NC and have refused to see him other than at his granny's funeral.

We are LC with PIL. MIL is not a horrible person, but she is an alcoholic and enables FIL by insisting everyone obeys him etc. Dh wants to have some contact with his M so we keep LC.

I should have said, my uncle and cousins are RC - we get on like a house on fire and I was asked to speak as a non religious 'family' representative at my aunts funeral. I agree, this has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with being a HORRIBLE MAN!

They sound awful and I feel for you, truly.

But if you were to take any money from them - or anything at all - there would most likely be so many strings attached that it would be unbelievable.

On a separate point, life cannot be at all pleasant from your MIL. I understand that isn't your concern, though, at all.

cross post with your update on MIL, so never mind ...

They are horrible and dysfunctional to an extreme.
But you are amazing, OP. How you've stayed sane through all of this is a mystery but you have. You're sane and clear and you're kind to that poor boy and you're a brilliant mother who's kept her own kids away from a frankly awful mess and done extraordinarily well by them.
Honestly if they were out of your life I think you'd feel so much better. They add less than nothing.
And I'll say it again, you're amazing. I'm in awe of how you've coped with all of this.

Is there any way you can keep the VLC but not know the ins and outs of their lives? That sounds snippy and it's not meant to, I don't think for a second you insert yourself into their lives, you just can't help knowing stuff about people when you have contact with them. Especially horrible people who insist on telling you what they've been up to.
I agree with pp they they'd use money to control you/demand access to dcs, and it sounds as if they're best off without them. I know from personal experience that disparity in treatment can cause lots of resentment. I don't think money is the focus, it's how you've been treated. Sorry I have no advice, but I can offer an unmumsnetty hug if you'd like it. And reassurance you're doing a grand job with your dcs.

You should be so proud of yourselves for standing by your DN and for raising your family without these toxic people having too much influence.
Like a PP says I wouldn’t touch a penny of their money.

I would intercept the cards and send them back. Just wrote "No Thanks" on the envelopes.

I would like to suggest tearing them up and putting all the bits in an envelope and posting them back (to make a point) but my DParents are very religious and tearing up a religious card wouldn;t sit well with me.
Your FIL sounds like a judgement ghastly snob too , nothing to do with religion though, he's just an arse.

Having access to the money has amplified the worst traits in your husband’s family-your FIL controls everyone using it, your MiL is an enabler who nearly ended up dead, your BiL has pretended to be religious to fund a violent , drug addicted lifestyle ( though there’s a strong case to argue that the violence and disrupted childhood he endured is at least partly responsible) and your nephew has gone totally off the rails. The further you can keep your children from them , the better.

I think perhaps the money has become the focus for the fact that your children don’t ( and cannot) have a supportive and loving real with their father’s family , because they are so dangerous.

The money that your PIL have is a poison that rots everything it touches. You have built your family with love, support, hard work, honest and integrity. What you have is more valuable than anything they have. Take a deep breath and reframe your view of your situation. Nothing they have to offer you is worth what it would cost you. You know this and that is why you have steered your family away from it. You are doing brilliantly and your instincts are serving you well. Karma will see you right in the long term. Have faith in yourself and your family. Let the resentment go. X

actually - keep some of the resentment (maybe not the bitterness , that will eat you up) because in years to come when he and your MIL need help, who will he ask?
Not your BIL that's for sure.
He'll be knocking on your DH door.

And you will have the reverse to say "Feck right off"

If I was a psychologist I suspect your Fil has just replaced alcohol with other addictions eg religion/giving money away and his reasons for drinking in the first place have never been addressed

I know that they are your dhs parents but your life would be so much simpler, easier happier if you went NC.

Think of the bull crap you wouldn't have to deal with.

They are not getting any younger and very soon one or both will need looking after.

Unless you or your dh is willing to spend 10 years of your life putting up with this stuff at close quarters whilst without being too gross, wiping their arses. I would be running away/ moving house and disappearing. Realistically I doubt your dh's db or dn are going to be there for them.