I have NC for this but am a regular poster, some may recognise my PIL from other posts but I'd rather not have it all linked up.
I will keep this as brief as possible and try not to be defensive, but there is obviously 25 years of painful backstory before this.
FIL is an odd and deeply unpleasant man. He was an alcoholic during DH childhood and DH had periods of being removed from the home due to violence and neglect. He was physically bullied by his older brother who was drinking heavily and abusing drugs by the age of 15. After BIL threw his mother down the stairs and nearly killed her FIL stopped drinking overnight and became a devoutly religious catholic.
This means that he cannot engage with any normal life as the church is paramount. He does not want a relationship with us because we are atheists. BIL is a catholic now, he does not attend church but has had a spiritual awakening and FIL has to fund him as he has 'lapses' when he is extremely violent and behaves in a terrifying way - this is because he is 'with the devil' and FIL has bailed him out financially to the tune of at least £100K over the years - MIL tells DH this and cries.
I have never had so much as a conversation with either PIL. The first time I visited when I was 18 I was told by FIL that he didn't like Northerners or working class people (I am clearly both) and a lot of nasty jokes were made about my parents professions, no of kids (referred to as a swarm by FIL), accents etc and a lot was made of my grandmothers age etc. In addition to that I woke up in the night (I was made to sleep on the floor in the dinning room but DH snuck down in the night and we fell asleep cuddling on the sofa) and found FIL in the room starring at me which really frightened me. So I always kept my distance.
We found out 10 years ago that BIL had a child with a 16YO girl when he was 25. He abandoned her, denying paternity and violently assaulted her when she tried to confront him. She went to see FIL at work and was 'paid off' to leave BIL alone. She was looked down on for being a poor working class girl and treated with utter contempt. They did not acknowledge their GS. 10 years on, the woman has problems and SS were involved and contacted them asking them to care for DS. They refused but did see him intermittently to provide "gods grace' and 'guidance'. Separately we formed a very good relationship with DN and had him to stay every other weekend. I immediately recognised he had FAS and ADHD as well as other SEN. We managed to help his foster carers get him into a great school and funded a range of other support for him. After another 2 years BIL contacted social services and applied for and gained custody. DN could not cope and repeatedly ran away and sometimes turned upon at our house assaulted and very distressed. It was very hard to cope with PIL lying to protect BIL and smearing DN constantly.
Eventually DN ran away to his old home town and slept rough for a period. We searched for him and found him (it was not easy as it was 200miles from home), we got him into a hostel and then a sheltered flat and an apprenticeship. At this point PIL turned up and for some reason gave DN £1K so he abandoned his work and started taking drugs. I was very firm with him that we would not find him and he had to work, and I got him an interview which he did well at and got a job. He stopped working 3 months later and started blocking our calls/texts etc. He even blocked me on facebook but I could see his account from my work account which he did not block. I became aware of lavish expenditure and was concerned he was being groomed for 'county lines' work. Dh contacted PIL and was verbally abused and told DN had found 'grace in god' and was reaping the rewards. I was really very worried.
Last year PIL called DH very early one morning and told him DN had been arrested for theft. FIL had been giving him huge sums of money for 2 years - over £50K in this period. When they cut him off he broke into an ex girlfriends property and stole a phone and a laptop. He then went on a spree of shoplifting and ended up with a 6 month prison sentence.
Meanwhile we have worked hard, bought a small house, had 2 DC, done the best we can, had very few holidays etc. We are happy on the whole, but things have been tough. I work 60 hrs a week DH works 40 and does all the household stuff. Our DC are doing well, DS is exceptionally gifted academically and we have done all we can to support him so he is predicated all level 9's at GCSE and has been recommended he tries for Oxbridge or something like that. DD is younger but doing very well.
I am bitter and resentful about the money, the way they have treated us and the way they scorn us. I know they can spend the money they inherited on whatever they want. I know I wouldn't swap with anyone and that DC will do well alone, standing on their own 2 feet.
Xmas they will get £10 in a deeply religious card with 'fond regards'. Birthdays the same. I want to make peace with this and their appalling behaviour and attitude. They are awful, I cannot change them, they will never love or care about my DC, I know all this and need to accept it and stop feeling intermittent rage.
Thank you for reading this long miserable story, and sorry for being such a misery guts, I just need to get it off my chest before Xmas. Can anyone help me. Please be kind, as I am sure you can tell I am feeling fragile.