I know IABU re PIL and money - please help me not be bitter and resentful

[ravencaw]

I have NC for this but am a regular poster, some may recognise my PIL from other posts but I'd rather not have it all linked up.

I will keep this as brief as possible and try not to be defensive, but there is obviously 25 years of painful backstory before this.

FIL is an odd and deeply unpleasant man. He was an alcoholic during DH childhood and DH had periods of being removed from the home due to violence and neglect. He was physically bullied by his older brother who was drinking heavily and abusing drugs by the age of 15. After BIL threw his mother down the stairs and nearly killed her FIL stopped drinking overnight and became a devoutly religious catholic.

This means that he cannot engage with any normal life as the church is paramount. He does not want a relationship with us because we are atheists. BIL is a catholic now, he does not attend church but has had a spiritual awakening and FIL has to fund him as he has 'lapses' when he is extremely violent and behaves in a terrifying way - this is because he is 'with the devil' and FIL has bailed him out financially to the tune of at least £100K over the years - MIL tells DH this and cries.

I have never had so much as a conversation with either PIL. The first time I visited when I was 18 I was told by FIL that he didn't like Northerners or working class people (I am clearly both) and a lot of nasty jokes were made about my parents professions, no of kids (referred to as a swarm by FIL), accents etc and a lot was made of my grandmothers age etc. In addition to that I woke up in the night (I was made to sleep on the floor in the dinning room but DH snuck down in the night and we fell asleep cuddling on the sofa) and found FIL in the room starring at me which really frightened me. So I always kept my distance.

We found out 10 years ago that BIL had a child with a 16YO girl when he was 25. He abandoned her, denying paternity and violently assaulted her when she tried to confront him. She went to see FIL at work and was 'paid off' to leave BIL alone. She was looked down on for being a poor working class girl and treated with utter contempt. They did not acknowledge their GS. 10 years on, the woman has problems and SS were involved and contacted them asking them to care for DS. They refused but did see him intermittently to provide "gods grace' and 'guidance'. Separately we formed a very good relationship with DN and had him to stay every other weekend. I immediately recognised he had FAS and ADHD as well as other SEN. We managed to help his foster carers get him into a great school and funded a range of other support for him. After another 2 years BIL contacted social services and applied for and gained custody. DN could not cope and repeatedly ran away and sometimes turned upon at our house assaulted and very distressed. It was very hard to cope with PIL lying to protect BIL and smearing DN constantly.

Eventually DN ran away to his old home town and slept rough for a period. We searched for him and found him (it was not easy as it was 200miles from home), we got him into a hostel and then a sheltered flat and an apprenticeship. At this point PIL turned up and for some reason gave DN £1K so he abandoned his work and started taking drugs. I was very firm with him that we would not find him and he had to work, and I got him an interview which he did well at and got a job. He stopped working 3 months later and started blocking our calls/texts etc. He even blocked me on facebook but I could see his account from my work account which he did not block. I became aware of lavish expenditure and was concerned he was being groomed for 'county lines' work. Dh contacted PIL and was verbally abused and told DN had found 'grace in god' and was reaping the rewards. I was really very worried.

Last year PIL called DH very early one morning and told him DN had been arrested for theft. FIL had been giving him huge sums of money for 2 years - over £50K in this period. When they cut him off he broke into an ex girlfriends property and stole a phone and a laptop. He then went on a spree of shoplifting and ended up with a 6 month prison sentence.

Meanwhile we have worked hard, bought a small house, had 2 DC, done the best we can, had very few holidays etc. We are happy on the whole, but things have been tough. I work 60 hrs a week DH works 40 and does all the household stuff. Our DC are doing well, DS is exceptionally gifted academically and we have done all we can to support him so he is predicated all level 9's at GCSE and has been recommended he tries for Oxbridge or something like that. DD is younger but doing very well.

I am bitter and resentful about the money, the way they have treated us and the way they scorn us. I know they can spend the money they inherited on whatever they want. I know I wouldn't swap with anyone and that DC will do well alone, standing on their own 2 feet.

Xmas they will get £10 in a deeply religious card with 'fond regards'. Birthdays the same. I want to make peace with this and their appalling behaviour and attitude. They are awful, I cannot change them, they will never love or care about my DC, I know all this and need to accept it and stop feeling intermittent rage.

Thank you for reading this long miserable story, and sorry for being such a misery guts, I just need to get it off my chest before Xmas. Can anyone help me. Please be kind, as I am sure you can tell I am feeling fragile.

Reserve not reverse ('tis late)

I think I'd be thankful that their interest is a tenner in a card and your children are not deeply involved with their dramas.

Thanks everyone, you've all been so kind. I do think a lot of the resentment is to do with the lack of a proper relationship as my DM emigrated and F is an utter idiot - finically irresponsible and incredibly hard work - constantly wanting to borrow money . Why cant either of us just have normal kind loving parents! Sometimes I joke its how we get on so well, because we are both paid up members of the "Mad Dad Club"

Can I tell another story, just to get it off my chest. I don't mind if no one replies, there is little to say, they are just awful. This is really outing but as I have NC I don't care, I need to vent!

DH was saved from a lot of the insanity by his GP and especially his lovely granny. They were very close, although she lived 200 miles away we saw her every 2/3 weeks and she came to stay every couple of months.

When she was 90 she had a fall and broke her leg badly, then decided she didn't want any treatment so basically went home to die. DH took leave and went to care for her and I went as much as I could. Dh even slept in her bed with her whilst Fil just kept calling and asking how she was. When DH confirmed it was v near the end FIL arrived with his priest and DH got a bit upset by the sight of them so he went for a walk. When he got back FIL had left DG alone which really upset DH. She died the next day and FIL gleefully told everyone that the priest had 'seen the grace of god in her' and confirmed her as a Catholic and carried out a conversion. FIL arranged a full latin mass for the funeral and published incorrect funeral details in the local paper. Her COE Vicar was distraught, having known her and worked with her (at help the aged ironically!) for 30 years - she was very well known and popular in the local community. But we couldnt change anything, he was like a streamroller. At the funeral I told the Priest DH would be speaking and FIL went berserk. I was cold as ice and told him
"One of 2 things will happen. Either DH will be introduced by the Priest and give a beautiful eulogy to his Grandmother or, if that does not happen, I will stand up and make a scene. I will shout, I will make accusations and then DH will speak. You don't want to cross me."
They stared at me, furiously, but DH was introduced. I will never forget the sight of him stood there, ashen faced and shaking, speaking about his beloved granny to an empty church.

What horrible people. FiL is simply ghastly. I see why you're enraged and sympathise, you wouldn't be reasonable to not be! But it is wsted emotion and energy, as you know. How you get rid of it I don't know, I'm sorry.

Just remember, the best revenge is to have a goodand happy life, which you do.

Congratulations OP, it sounds like you've done a fantastic job with your children despite all these family situations. Your DS sounds fantastic, saving up for uni already, that kid will get far in life and it'll be because of his own excellent work ethos. Better to work hard to get further in life than to be beholden to toxic people. Your children are growing up knowing that it's important to work hard to get somewhere in life, that's an invaluable lesson. Sounds like your DH has also done well, having a lovely wife and kids despite his own upbringing, congratulations to him too!

It's good you are getting it off your chest here. It sounds like a shit situation. You are working all hours and feeling guilty that your children will have to work hard too when huge sums of money have been flushed down the toilet. Imagine if you had money from your in-laws? At what price would it come?? Don't feel guilty. You're doing great! Hold your head up high, hug your own dear family close and be thankful for what you have.

Sorry I posted before reading your later post, my post was to your OP (not the one about DH's grandmother).

I remember your previous threads, OP, but I've NCd too. I've thought about you on and off and I'm glad you're still posting for support. I hope DN is OK and getting the help he needs too. From your perspective, I think you're (mostly) well out of it, and if the price of that is not getting any financial help, then so be it. Most family financial help comes with strings and with your PILs those strings would be bloody great tug-o-war ropes. Your DS sounds like a wonderful young man who will have healthy values and a solid work ethic, thanks to the stable upbringing he's had, largely away from the PILs. Hang on to that, though I know it's difficult when you're all working so hard for what you've got. But honestly, you are the rich ones here, I really think.

When i read your first post i thought this was similar to a catherine cookson novel.

IMHO - we are hardwired to put our parents on a pedestal and sometimes they don't live up to expectations, involve death of beloved relatives and outrageous behaviour can come into play.

Please check out the stately homes thread on relationships

As someone with not-as-awful but similarly WTAF? how is this my actual life? Type family members... please be assured that money is from a poisoned well and you should be thankful they aren’t interested in your children. The money comes with strings. Always.

Look at what good it’s done for your DN, your BIL also sounds to be an unhappy troubled man. The money has done them no good.

Think of it as a sort of schroeder's cat type situation for your family without the $$$ it’s 😓, but with the $$$ it’s 😓 too (and a worse 😓 IMO)

I don’t have anything similar to draw in for experience but one thing stands out - you are far better off without your FIL’s money. It’s bringing misery to everyone that touches it. He would use it to control you, and he sounds like a despicable person. I think you should carry on distancing yourself

You have my sympathies though, it’s so annoying watching money be wasted

I must say I have heard and seen a lot. But Mumsnet never fails to surprise me about all the good that is out there and all the evil too.
Blimey! That is some wanker you have at your hands! I now strongly suspect that you and your DH are the type who will fall for it when the time to take care of your PILs comes. Do not take their money for fucks sake. If I were you, specially with this history, I will simply let them know clearly that they are not going to get any such help or assistance when their time comes. And that they will be better off keeping every penny safe to support their old age and care needs.
Wow! Just wow!

1. Count yourself extremely lucky that you are not "in" with such horrendous people as they would probably destroy your lives/control your DC.
2. Go NC. Absolutely no reason to have those toxic people in your lives.
3. Remember that most DGC don't get large handouts from their DGP and instead make their own way in life, learning to save up and developing a strong work ethic. I actually consider this much more positive than being given a lump sum that would probably be spent unwisely anyway. I don't want to knock anyone fortunate enough to have been given money but my achievements are so much more significant to me due to the fact that I worked hard for every single thing I have without any financial help from family.

When FIL was ranting and raving about all the money he gave DN I bluntly told him that he should be saving his money for old age. Don't worry there is no way I would waste a day of my life looking after him. Not a chance. I have constantly refused to do things he has demanded for him - fix him special food at a family party for example and when he arrived one time when we were visiting DG and DD was a baby he went berserk demanding I feed her upstairs in a bedroom but I refused. He really hates me. I don't care

It is VERY annoying seeing all that money wasted thou, especially because it is money from DG not money he has earned.

My mother went through something similar with her MIL which I didn’t learn the full truth about until much later in life. She swam against a tide of shit from her MIL flung in her face just so GP could see us - and do you know what I still remember from when I was four years old? Shouting and screaming at Christmas ruining everything. I admire what she tried to do and why but it damaged her deeply.

How come you're seeing FIL? I really wouldn't be seeing, hearing from or about him at all. I come from a toxic family and it really is the only way to peace: cut them off.

He is one monstrously sick individual. Very dark. Agree he's swapped one addiction for another. There's religious mania in my family too so I know how it works.

I mean it though: cut contact. Peace will descend, promise. Quite quickly, too. I recently had contact with my family because of ageing and poorly parents - the chaos and hell just invaded my life so quickly; I cut them off again and peace reigned again.

You have to do it for your sanity. It is actually shocking reading the stories you have written on here - dwelling on them constantly (which is what happens when youj're in contact with them) just makes you mentally ill. There's enough sick people in this scenario without adding to it.

They're all adults, leave them to it.

Take the god out, and you have my family. Just as self-righteous, just as entitled and wealthy, they don't need god, because they are god. Wankers. So glad my kids have nothing to do with the bastards. My kids are lovely and kind. (Also smart, academic, funny and goddamn beautiful human beings. Might be biased, but my family would no doubt try and take credit for all of it if they knew...) You can be resentful if you like, but really - You're winning!

I totally empathise. Both DH and I have er shall we say family members with odd personalities/ mh problems/ addition issues/ control issues. We say it's like living perpetually on the Jeremy Kyle show! My in-laws dislike me because they think I'm too posh. We've decided that whatever happens- and how true that people don't believe what we've been and are going through- we make black humoured jokes about it. Sounds really odd but keeps us sane *ish. Be each other's rocks and cling on. You're obviously a lovely caring mum with thriving children who get a happy stable home life. Hope you have a lovely Christmas with them x

Don't feel bitter. You've had a lucky escape. Toxic personalities like your FIL use £ as a tool to manipulate & control. In my experience, he'd hold it over you for ever more & use it to justify poor, controlling behaviour or ludicrous demands.

I can only reiterate what someone else has said - living well is the best revenge.

Okay, you are working hard, but your life sounds good, and you have got your priorities right. You and your husband have a successful marriage, sound like good people and have children who will achieve well because they have been given a good grounding.

As a Catholic, all I can say is that your father is not deeply devout- he is a reactionary, probably a believer in something like the Mel Gibson branch of Catholicism. He has replaced his obsession with alcohol with another all-consuming one.

You FIL sounds truly awful and I think you're right to keep your distance.
Slightly off at a tangent here but when your DD starts his A-levels more important to concentrate on his studies than have a part-time job. He'll be eligible for bursaries if he gets 3 As.

DS

It may not seem it now, but the money your DS has saved over the years will stand him in good stead as an adult, Not the money but the discipline of working and saving. On top of that he is highly intelligent and looks to have a bright, academic futureahead of him.
You and your DH have values and have raised your children with them. You could not have done any more for your DN. He got oodles of cash and it has not helped him and gave his toxic grandparents and father leverage with him.
Your own DC have been spared this.

You and your children are incredibly lucky to be out of this shit storm. It may not feel it but you are. Imagine if you’d been weak and acquiesced even if it were just to pay lip service to your fils cult (for it is not religion). You may have more money but you’d be very screwed up and have screwed up children.

You are both very strong and sound like great parents. You protected and respected your children. You protected eachother. These people are weak and deeply disturbed. I’m sorry you haven’t been able to save your dn.

You asked why you couldn’t have just one normal set of parents. I know it was rhetorical. But I’d like to comment this it often seems to go like this. Perhaps it’s because you were both damaged in childhood but somehow found enough love as children to become strong adults and saw that depth in eachother, which only comes from striving in life. I’m sorry it’s hard.

Your mil is from the generation, where men are the boss and to be respected regardless. It’s bonkers, I know especially as he nearly killed her . My mother deferred to both of her husbands often to her detriment. She has very black and white views about things.