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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL CAR SEAT

35 replies

loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 17:58

My MIL wants to buy a car seat to take my almost 2 year old son out, but I am more than a bit concerned, she and her hubby are not the most confident drivers on the road, and I hope this doesn't come across as ageist, and I know I am not as I have elderly grandparents, but one is over 65 and the other is over 75, Iknow their reactions aren't what they used to be! She never takes him out anyway, and I think she doesn't want to be left out because her friend has a car seat and takes her grandchildren out. At the moment I just don't trust anyone else to drive him around, I lost cousins in a car accident a few years ago. Am I being unreasonable? How can I tell her without hurting her feelings?

OP posts:
pooka · 25/06/2007 18:02

My mother is 65, my father 66, my FIL is 78 and my MIL is 70. They all drive regularly and safely. And they all drive their granddhildren around.
I personally do not think the ages you cite are too old for driving per se. Depends upon how they are as drivers -i.e would you get in the car with them.
I do think you're being a bit unreasonable, but not without good cause.
Incidentally, my mother has only recently started driving dd because she used to get on the bus/train with her, but since she has she has appreciated being able to nip over to my great-aunt's house/to places not easily accessibly by public transport.

Original poster
loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 18:06

I don't think its their age,think Iwas just using that as an excuse, but I am quite uneasy when in the car with them, like I said they are not very confident now.

OP posts:
dissle · 25/06/2007 18:06

As she never takes him out any way, let her buy a car seat then see what happens.

I think that you will be able to come up with a million and one kind excuses as she asks to take him places.

You know, as she asks remember a party/play date/appointment that he has that day.

You could avoid quite easily i think.
Does that help?

dissle · 25/06/2007 18:07

By the way, i think that your concerns are justified and i think that it is natural that you are anxious.

This must be very distressing to you.

sparklesandwine · 25/06/2007 18:08

maybe they aren't very confident drivers but have they actually had any accidents??

if your MIL is doing it just to 'keep up with the jones' then the likelyhood is they probably won't take him out anyway or if they do not very far - and also i think it is also very handy to have back up incase you need them to have him

I can understand your concerns but if they are fundementaly safe drivers then i don't think it will be a problem - my mum's 62 and drives mine about

Original poster
loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 18:53

Thanks dissle, I think it's also because my DS is still quite young and my first, I had a pretty horrendous time of it when I was pregnant and afterwards with severe SPD, I am still having problems now, think I might be a little protective, especially at the moment - I am 20 weeks pregnant, and my SPD is up and down at the moment, when I am having good days I am trying to make the most of having quality time with him.

MIL & FIL have never had an accident, just concerned as MIL will avoid going to certain places because of the traffic. I think they might be better with an automatic. Also worried because I know how distracting DS can be in the car, and if you are not used to it, it only takes a second to have an accident!

OP posts:
lizziemun · 25/06/2007 19:14

loopyredangel

My mum is not a confident driver, but she has a car seat in her car and i don't have a problem with her taken my dd now 3 1/2yrs out.

Original poster
loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 19:22

Being a little over protective then? I became very anti-MIL last time I was pregnant. She is a bit of a control freak, with everything in our lives, first the wedding, then the christening. I think I am rebeling against her because I don't want her to be in control - she does it all the time, even brought a birthday cake out with a candle on it and wanted everyone to sing happy birthday in a pub restaurant for her 33 year old little boy - she also insisted on taking photos of us all, I refused point blank but she took the photo anyway! She drives me insane!

OP posts:
RosaLuxembourg · 25/06/2007 19:25

So let me get this straight. You have taken against your MIL because she wanted to sing happy birthday to her son and take some photos of a family occasion. YABU with knobs on IMO.

bookwormmum · 25/06/2007 19:28

Was her son happy to be sung to in public? If he didn't mind, then why should you? It's only for a few minutes after all and photos are nice to treasure later on.

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 25/06/2007 19:29

YABU yes.

Original poster
loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 19:37

He is 33 years of age not 3 years of age!!!! And yes he was very embarrased by the whole thing! That isn't the only reason - she lieks to interfer all the time, with things that don't concern her - she wanted to take over organising my wedding - after all it is the brides day, then the same with the christening - I wish she would just keep her nose out with things that really don't concern her.

OP posts:
bookwormmum · 25/06/2007 19:40

Sounds like MIL syndrome to me. You'll have to ask her to back off a bit or go quietly mad inside.

sparklesandwine · 25/06/2007 19:47

i don't know the whole story and i am not here to judge you by any means so please don't think i am

...but these things do concern her as her son was also getting married - her grandson was also being christened - you are supposed to be family after all!!

i think if you have grievances with your MIL then you need to sort them out before your DS picks up on them tbh

how would you feel if you maybe gave your MIL 'things' of your choice to do to feel involved a little more then maybe she might not take over so much

is your ds her first grandchild?

Original poster
loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 19:49

I went quietly mad inside when we were getting married, I felt I was marrying her and not DH, in the end I blew my top and told her it was all off and we nearly split up over it! Until I told her it was our wedding and up to us who we had there, and what cake we were having and what dress I was wearing. Quite funny some of the photos she's got a face like thunder on half of them, then everytime I turned around to see who was standing on the back of my wedding dress - who was there?... oh yes the MIL!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 19:53

I involve her as much as I can with things, but I am so used to organising things in my life - must be because I am an only child and very independent. She wanted to invite all and sundry to the christening - so I cancelled it - I feel that a christening is a private close family event - and not friends of friends ust because they have known them for years and who have never met my DS. I never talk about MIL, so DS shouldn't pick up on it. WE visit them 2 -3 times a week, and I know it might not sound like I do, but I do get on with her - I think it's just a clash of personalities, we are both Capricorn too!!!

OP posts:
littleducks · 25/06/2007 19:56

yabu (just a tad) but as your pregnant with spd its better to moan on here then be nice to her

sparklesandwine · 25/06/2007 19:57

how about if you tried going out for a meal with your MIL, just the 2 of you, to talk about the way things are - or would that end in an arguement?

Original poster
loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 19:58

DS is her first grandchild - but he is also my first child, and I know she is excited by the whole thing, which I wouldn't dream of knocking her for, after all they are flesh and blood. I don't stop her from doing things with him, and they love the bones of eachother, which Iam over the moon about.
A couple of years ago it was my 30th, and she asked if I had anything planned, I said I just wanted to keep things quiet, I don't like having birthday cakes for me, and had mentioned this on many occassions, she even phoned my mum to ask about getting a borthday cake - my mum told her I really don't like having them - what did she do - she got one, with a candle on!!!!!

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 25/06/2007 20:03

With regard to the car seat, I actually think that if you aren't going to let the children into the car with her, it's unfair of you to let them buy the car seat. But that would mean that you need to talk to them, and let them know that you're not happy for anyone else to drive them just yet.

But it's not really about a car seat, is it? It's about two strong personalities - you actually sound very like your MIL, even if she is a bit of a control freak! It sounds as if you want to kick her controlling nature into touch so that she doesn't hold the whip hand in your relationship. It also sounds as if you are both jealous of each other and your different relationships with your dh.

If you have concerns about the way she's behaving, I'd suggest that your dh talks to her about it. She's his mother, and if she is embarrassing him as much as you say then it's for him to address, rather than you.

Original poster
loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 20:42

I do like being in control of my own life. I don't interfere in other lives, if friends want my help they can ask, I don't force myself onto them.
I'm by no means jealous of their relationship, as a mother and son bond are extremely strong, and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise it. I think every now and then she just drives me mad.
She reminds me of Mrs.Bucket - even her sons call her that.

OP posts:
Original poster
loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 20:45

They are thinking of buying a new car, and really don't want them going to the expense of buying a car seat then it might not fit the new car.

OP posts:
sparklesandwine · 25/06/2007 20:56

loopyredangel i'm not trying to trivialise your feelings but maybe you are over analysing the car seat issue too much and pg hormones are getting the better of you - so in the absence of few glasses of wine have a bath and chill out a little tonight

......then you'll be re-energised to rant about her somemore tomorrow

Original poster
loopyredangel · 25/06/2007 21:15

I think it is pg hormones, I was like this last time too, didn't want her near me or touching my tummy. It's funny because this time around I don't want anyone touching my tummy.

OP posts:
pooka · 25/06/2007 21:15

I actually disagree with you over the christening thing. My understanding of the purposes of christenings was that they are not meant to be private family affairs, since the meaning of a christening is to introduce a child into the christian faith (being re-born into the family of christianity).