MIL CAR SEAT

[loopyredangel]

My MIL wants to buy a car seat to take my almost 2 year old son out, but I am more than a bit concerned, she and her hubby are not the most confident drivers on the road, and I hope this doesn't come across as ageist, and I know I am not as I have elderly grandparents, but one is over 65 and the other is over 75, Iknow their reactions aren't what they used to be! She never takes him out anyway, and I think she doesn't want to be left out because her friend has a car seat and takes her grandchildren out. At the moment I just don't trust anyone else to drive him around, I lost cousins in a car accident a few years ago. Am I being unreasonable? How can I tell her without hurting her feelings?

[mumbleboo]

My PIL constantly talked to us about how they had been given a car seat so now they could drive DS about, and DP told them we weren't happy for anyone else to drive him yet (he was 1year when this started, 15months now). They constantly offered to pick us up, drive us about etc anyway, but it wasn't needed and easily avoided. But one day they babysat him while i had an interview, and they had told DP they intended to take him to a park which is 45mins walk from their house, and i said i bet they're planning on using the car. DP said no, they know not to. So when i got there i had to ask a few questions (oh that park's a long walk away etc) until i discovered surprise surprise they were planning to drive. I had taken the pram round and set it up for them, and i just had to say i'm sorry but we don't want anyone else to drive him at the moment, it's nothing personal but we don't feel comfortable when one of us isn't in the car too. My MIL did a huge disappointed face but i had to say something or i would have been so worried. But as DP said ignore them , it's our baby and what we say goes which is true. They are grandparents, not parents and it is up to them to respect your rules. Grandparents cn bend the rules over chocolate and treats but i think this is a bigger issue. It's not like not being able to drive your grandchild about affects your relationship with them in anyway at all. And a couple of weeks ago FIL gave DP and DS a 5 minute lift and almost crashed because he was turned right around in his seat talking to the baby in the back. I think the point has been made but if you're not used to having children in the car they are incredibly distracting. Hope everything gets sorted out sorry for the huge post! Just remember your rules and your baby's safety are most important.

[BandofMuggles]

If you are uncomfortable then you have every right to say no.
I don't even let MIL pick them up as babies. Well she can't anyway. She is very feeble and shakey(alcy), and she picked up DD2 at a few weeks old, late in the afternoon whe n normally quite slurry. I went ballistic at DH, he was like, it's fine. I said, yeah until it isn't.

I think it's ok to be a bit over protective with things like htis. And it's not just their driving but others on the road. If they aren't confident then they will hesitate etc.

Say no, if you want to. You don't have to give a reason if you don't want to, just say no.

[lulumamasmentee]

Hi loopyredangel, i know exactly how you are feeling re the driving. No my mil in 25 odd years of driving hasn't ever had an accident, but that doesn't mean she isn't a terrible driver. Everytime I get in the car with her she scares the hell out of me and anyone else who happens to be driving nearby.

Reversing down the dual carridgeway because you missed your turn off anyone?

I have so far not had to let her take DD out in the car because she has bucket type seats in the back and the seat doesn't fit right but I don't think I will get away from it forever. I would worry like anything if she took DD out in the car, so no advice but my sympathies are with you.

She is also very much "into" every aspect of our lives (holidays, finances, child rearing etc) in fact I caught her sifting through my paperwork when I came home one day early, it is just mils unfortunatly. Although best of luck!!!!!

[PigeonPie]

How about doing it yourself and then you can say 'I found it useful, why don't you do it!' And you might find it useful... Alternatively, as you're pg, why don't you say that you'd like to do it, but why don't they do it first and see what it's like, then it gets you out of doing it if you don't want to

[newgirl]

car seat thing - just say - there is no need to buy one - yuo can borrow ours if need be. Then of course there never is any need.

i think for the sake of your blood pressure you may have to ease off on mil - get your dh to handle all contact - make sure she calls him etc if she pisses you off. tbh - i think she sounds lovely - my mil never bothers with birthdays etc so it is the other extreme!!

[loopyredangel]

Do you know boo that's a good idea - letting them choose when they are older, Ithink sometimes we do things just to please our parents and grandparents.
Good idea pigeon, how do I mention that one to them?!?!?!?!

[boowidger]

The mental image of MIL braking hard and DD flying straight through the rear window stayed with me for a long time.... I'm not religious and neither is DH really so we decided not to have a christening now but wait until DD is old enough to decide if she wants one herself. Otherwise i'd feel uncomfortable about it. This has caused some raised eyebrows from the older generation of DH's family!!!

[PigeonPie]

I feel for you about the driving. I am actually quite uncomfortable about my mother driving my DS but I think that's because I am a member of the IAM and have taken my advanced test and so know how to drive reasonably well (and even I get things wrong sometimes!).

If they aren't very confident drivers could you suggest (somehow) they might like to do a 'drive check' with the IAM. All the information can be found here on the IAM's website.

[loopyredangel]

Yes pooka I know, but don't you think some people go overboard with christenings these days, inviting people that don't count, the church will be in his life and he will grow up in that community via school also, but to just invite people that he won't see again - to me is meaningless and just an excuse to come to a do!
Oh my god boo, I understand your concerns totally, my DS is a little bugger at the moment for the car seat, he fights to get in it, and when he screams like mad until he gets his arms out.

[boowidger]

My MIL tries to get involved a little too much for my liking and treats DH like a small child which annoys the hell out of me BUT she has done an awful lot to help us out in the past (mostly financially), DD (18mths) loves her and DH enjoys being pampered by her which is ok by me at the moment as i'm concentrating on being 34 weeks pregnant! However, regarding the car seat topic, i'm afraid I do have an issue with her taking DD out and avoid it if at all possible. When DD was 5mths old MIL had her for a couple of hours and then drove her back to our house. When she arrived we discovered that not only had she not strapped the car seat into the car (so it was sitting loose on the back seat) but she also hadn't strapped DD into the seat so she was completely unsecured for a 12 mile journey. The reason for this? DD had fallen asleep in the seat whilst it was in the house and MIL hadn't wanted to disturb her by "messing about with the straps". I was horrified and have never quite gotten over it, although i'm certain she'd never do it again as DH had words (didn't trust myself to say anything at the time).

[pooka]

I actually disagree with you over the christening thing. My understanding of the purposes of christenings was that they are not meant to be private family affairs, since the meaning of a christening is to introduce a child into the christian faith (being re-born into the family of christianity).

[loopyredangel]

I think it is pg hormones, I was like this last time too, didn't want her near me or touching my tummy. It's funny because this time around I don't want anyone touching my tummy.

[sparklesandwine]

loopyredangel i'm not trying to trivialise your feelings but maybe you are over analysing the car seat issue too much and pg hormones are getting the better of you - so in the absence of few glasses of wine have a bath and chill out a little tonight


......then you'll be re-energised to rant about her somemore tomorrow

[loopyredangel]

They are thinking of buying a new car, and really don't want them going to the expense of buying a car seat then it might not fit the new car.

[loopyredangel]

I do like being in control of my own life. I don't interfere in other lives, if friends want my help they can ask, I don't force myself onto them.
I'm by no means jealous of their relationship, as a mother and son bond are extremely strong, and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise it. I think every now and then she just drives me mad.
She reminds me of Mrs.Bucket - even her sons call her that.

[WigWamBam]

With regard to the car seat, I actually think that if you aren't going to let the children into the car with her, it's unfair of you to let them buy the car seat. But that would mean that you need to talk to them, and let them know that you're not happy for anyone else to drive them just yet.

But it's not really about a car seat, is it? It's about two strong personalities - you actually sound very like your MIL, even if she is a bit of a control freak! It sounds as if you want to kick her controlling nature into touch so that she doesn't hold the whip hand in your relationship. It also sounds as if you are both jealous of each other and your different relationships with your dh.

If you have concerns about the way she's behaving, I'd suggest that your dh talks to her about it. She's his mother, and if she is embarrassing him as much as you say then it's for him to address, rather than you.

[loopyredangel]

DS is her first grandchild - but he is also my first child, and I know she is excited by the whole thing, which I wouldn't dream of knocking her for, after all they are flesh and blood. I don't stop her from doing things with him, and they love the bones of eachother, which Iam over the moon about.
A couple of years ago it was my 30th, and she asked if I had anything planned, I said I just wanted to keep things quiet, I don't like having birthday cakes for me, and had mentioned this on many occassions, she even phoned my mum to ask about getting a borthday cake - my mum told her I really don't like having them - what did she do - she got one, with a candle on!!!!!

[sparklesandwine]

how about if you tried going out for a meal with your MIL, just the 2 of you, to talk about the way things are - or would that end in an arguement?

[littleducks]

yabu (just a tad) but as your pregnant with spd its better to moan on here then be nice to her

[loopyredangel]

I involve her as much as I can with things, but I am so used to organising things in my life - must be because I am an only child and very independent. She wanted to invite all and sundry to the christening - so I cancelled it - I feel that a christening is a private close family event - and not friends of friends ust because they have known them for years and who have never met my DS. I never talk about MIL, so DS shouldn't pick up on it. WE visit them 2 -3 times a week, and I know it might not sound like I do, but I do get on with her - I think it's just a clash of personalities, we are both Capricorn too!!!

[loopyredangel]

I went quietly mad inside when we were getting married, I felt I was marrying her and not DH, in the end I blew my top and told her it was all off and we nearly split up over it! Until I told her it was our wedding and up to us who we had there, and what cake we were having and what dress I was wearing. Quite funny some of the photos she's got a face like thunder on half of them, then everytime I turned around to see who was standing on the back of my wedding dress - who was there?... oh yes the MIL!!!!

[sparklesandwine]

i don't know the whole story and i am not here to judge you by any means so please don't think i am

...but these things do concern her as her son was also getting married - her grandson was also being christened - you are supposed to be family after all!!

i think if you have grievances with your MIL then you need to sort them out before your DS picks up on them tbh

how would you feel if you maybe gave your MIL 'things' of your choice to do to feel involved a little more then maybe she might not take over so much

is your ds her first grandchild?

[bookwormmum]

Sounds like MIL syndrome to me. You'll have to ask her to back off a bit or go quietly mad inside.

[loopyredangel]

He is 33 years of age not 3 years of age!!!! And yes he was very embarrased by the whole thing! That isn't the only reason - she lieks to interfer all the time, with things that don't concern her - she wanted to take over organising my wedding - after all it is the brides day, then the same with the christening - I wish she would just keep her nose out with things that really don't concern her.

[LadyVictoriaOfCake]

YABU yes.