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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact with my baby’s dad?

60 replies

Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 19:36

Long story short he is hard work.
Left me when I was 7 months pregnant
Was very nasty not considerate of my feelings at all
I’m past that really now all I care about is my perfect little 5 week old baby
Baby was born 3 weeks early lots of health scares so automatically I feel even more protective so I can’t tell if I’m just being too highly strung.

So he has been abit hit and miss, he was good the first 2 weeks or so, he even stayed on the sofa the odd night to help with feeds. After these two weeks he started asking for over night visits - I said no.
Then at 3 weeks old I said he could have a day with baby on his own - this is what he kept asking for as he didn’t want to have to see me every time he wanted just time with her which I understand. However he went out the night before and didn’t turn up. Somehow he blamed me for this.
So we made a plan- well I did. I made a plan that if he came to see her 3 evenings a week to do bath/ bottle/ bonding he could take her for 3 hours Saturday morning and Sunday mornings. I thought it was good as he could get to know her routine and also get time alone with her.

Thursday she was sent to hospital with blood in her stools- everything was fine thank god but I was there for 8 hours and he didn’t even text. He knew I was there. He didn’t ask how she was. I text him the next day ( Friday) asking what he’s playing at why wasn’t he supportive he told me it’s his works do today so he’s blocking me as he wants to enjoy it. So that was that. I find it ridiculous imagine if something happened

Fast forward to today and he has decided to unblock me and ask to see her, he hasn’t apologised he hasn’t asked how she is he has just asked to take her out. I said no. He has sent me so much abuse. I said he is welcome to come and see her here and I’ll go for a bath wash my hair etc, she’s completely out of sorts I didn’t want to send her at all to be honest. I said he could come bath her bottle etc his response was ‘ what the shit you can’t be arsed doing ?’

I’m at my wits end- what do I do? I want her to have a relationship with him. Am I being unreasonable not just sending her ? I feel so protective all she knows is me but I’d rather knownother people’s opinions.

OP posts:
flyingdragonzog · 16/12/2018 19:39

Are you breastfeeding? If you are then you have a solid reason to say no this young

If not - he sounds like an arse and I feel for you. You should speak to a mediation service about organising contact appropriately

blackteasplease · 16/12/2018 19:42

Does he have PR?

I'd probably block him and be done with it if not. He doesn't sound like a good father figure at all.

I'd screen shot the messages from him in case he applies to court later and accuses you of stuff.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 19:42

No I was and I stopped in week 3. Regardless he has fed her probably 10 times in total I am the only other person who has given her a bottle. I thought the proposed plan was fine while she’s so tiny but he just isn’t happy and I feel so pressured into letting her go

OP posts:
Original poster
Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 19:43

He is on the birth certificate yes :(

OP posts:
TinkerSpy · 16/12/2018 19:44

I was all for contact for the sake of your DD until his reply of 'what the shit you can’t be arsed doing' when you suggested he help out. What a piece of work he is.

If you decide on contact, do it on your terms, you know your baby and what's right for her. How would you feel about a formal agreement being set up? Also, is he providing financially at all?

flyingdragonzog · 16/12/2018 19:45

Honestly I would start the process now - cms, and arranging contact via mediation.

I wouldn't even try to cope with it alone he sounds a total dick

Zerrin13 · 16/12/2018 19:47

This bully is going to give you no end of stress and trouble. You will never be able to raise your daughter in a peaceful environment with this half wit intimidating you into doing whatever he sees fit and only when it suits him. Your little girl is a tiny precious baby. She needs to be with you at all times. Try not to be so accomodating because you want her to have a relationship with this man. He needs to prove he can treat her mother with respect first.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 19:47

I would rather have a formal arrangement set up in all honesty.. however I am worried if they’d make me send her for over nights now ? I really feel like he doesn’t even know her. That’s why I wanted him to spend time to get to know her

Is there a general rule for how much time he would get or when she’s have to go over night?

OP posts:
LIZS · 16/12/2018 19:48

Were you the op whose bf m wanted to take back cot etc for overnight stays there? If so they are controlling and volatile. If you allowed his name on birth certificate he has parental responsibility but a newborn does not need to be apart from its mother for very long or have overnights, even with its father. It takes time to build up to that? Is he paying maintenance so far?

Original poster
Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 19:49

I will also add the second night he stayed the baby stayed downstairs with him. He was saying open your fucking mouth trying to feed her and for fuck sake ( she is a messer with her bottle - he’d know this if he spent more time )
And he text me at 3am saying he was stressed can we swap. I kept those texts

OP posts:
Original poster
Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 19:49

Yes ! They got their precious cot I managed to get a lovely one from Ikea Flowers

OP posts:
flyingdragonzog · 16/12/2018 19:50

In your situation I might try breastfeeding longer or say that I was. They can't make you give overnights if you do till she is older

It should absolutely not be a reason but I know of a few women who breastfed longer on purpose because they had abusive ex partners

anniehm · 16/12/2018 19:51

You need to get a proper contact and financial support agreement drawn up - might be better to start the process between you rather than escalating to outside mediation straight away, but if he is unreasonable then mediation really works well. Giving him access has distinct advantages for you, time off, but it comes with responsibilities which is best written down. You are still at the beginning and it's Christmas so schedules are different so don't assume you can't work out a mutually beneficial agreement. Here's hoping for you.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/12/2018 19:51

I've not been in this situation but no you are not being unreasonable. I think if you went to court, because the baby doesn't know him, they wouldn't order the baby just be handed over for entire days as that could really freak her out at this young age. I believe it would start with hour long visits when they are tiny and build up gradually but I understood that age 2ish was the normal time to introduce overnight visits ad before this they're just too young and only understand they are away from their main caregiver and everything that is familiar and this can be very distressing. Obviously depends on the baby and their relationship with the fathers as some babies wouldnt be phased by it and some would be distraught.

The only thing I'd say is keep doing what you're doing as it is the best thing for your baby - offering short supervised visits at your house then short visits where he has her for a couple of hours if he sticks to this.

Please document everything and keep a record of everything (for example email screenshots of texts, incase your phone gets lost or broken) so if he ever takes you to court you can show you've been more than reasonable and it's him that keeps breaking the agreements

NotANotMan · 16/12/2018 19:53

No court will order overnight contact for a new baby away from mum. He sounds dreadful, incredibly immature, lazy selfish and potentially dangerous (losing his temper with her)
I would stop all contact until he makes a sensible contact proposal that recognises her needs first and his need to demonstrate commitment

AnoukSpirit · 16/12/2018 19:54

You're describing a pattern of abusive behaviour from him. Not just isolated outbursts of abusive words - continuous abuse.

He will abuse her just as readily as he has abused you. Why are you so keen to involve him when he's making it clear he's not interested and this is how he will continue to treat the two of you? He very clearly does not care. Being exposed to abuse has a detrimental impact, even on babies.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I agree with pp, sort this formally. It doesn't matter how hard you try to be understanding or accommodating or reasonable - he wants to behave like this, so it will continue regardless of what you do.

TinkerSpy · 16/12/2018 19:55

He was saying open your fucking mouth trying to feed her and for fuck sake

Oh my god. I'd have wanted to rip his tongue and balls off and ram them up a dark orifice as I kicked him out the house and I'm not even remotely violent.

I hope others can give you sound advice about how to legally keep this piece of shit as far away from you and your daughter as possible.

Redken24 · 16/12/2018 19:57

Sorry you have heard him say that to a newborn and you still allowed him to come round. Tell him to use a contact centre and go to court.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 19:58

So realistically -
Am I now best ignoring / blocking him and waiting for him to seek legal advice. Would this go against me as it’s like me stopping him from seeing her ?
Am I best to carry on saying he can see her in my home/ with me there ( despite the fact he’s said no to this as he wants to be alone with her )

OP posts:
wallowinwater · 16/12/2018 19:59

He's not safe to look after her, even downstairs if he is saying 'open your fucking mouth'.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 19:59

I think it’s hard cause I want him to bond with her and I thought he was just stressed and struggling and I felt bad for him. But the more it’s gone on he just seems so selfish

OP posts:
flyingdragonzog · 16/12/2018 20:00

I don't think you should block. I think you might find you need every shred of evidence

I'd definitely ignore though whilst you seek advice

stubbornstains · 16/12/2018 20:04

What worked with DS1's dad was a constant : Him: "Can I see DS?" Me: "Yes, you're welcome to, as long as we agree a contact schedule through mediation". Him: (flounce).

After several years of this, he did finally agree to mediation. We arranged that, initially, he would spend a morning a week with DS at the local park, gradually developing into something longer. The mediator fixed XP with a steely gaze and said: "You do realise, don't you, that if you don't stick to this agreement, you will have no legal redress whatsoever?". He nodded enthusiastically.

He stuck to the contact agreement for 3 weeks in a row, then disappeared. No calls, no answer to my texts, nothing. 6 months later he pops up again, breezily asking to see DS as if nothing had happened. I bet you can imagine my response.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/12/2018 20:05

I would be absolutely astonished if a court ordered overnights with a dad in the first 4 months. I would consider seeing a lactation specialist to restart breastfeeding (if that might be possible and something you could tolerate). I wouldn’t make life easy for him. What’s he contributing financially? Babies are not pay per view but it is a demonstration of how responsible he is.

wallowinwater · 16/12/2018 20:05

The best thing you can do is make consistent decisions based predominantly on your child's welfare, but also your own. You can get 30mins free legal advice from most solicitors.
I refused for my son's dad to see him as he was a risk to us both. I got legal advice and there was nothing I could do at the time other then keep saying no.
I didn't go to the family court as this would have given him the opportunity to be involved. He never went to court and didn't persist trying to see his son.
This man sounds fairly immature and unreliable and unlikely to be committed enough to start a court process.

The best thing you can do is keep yourself both safe and if allowing contact means you feel you or baby aren't safe don't allow it.

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