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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact with my baby’s dad?

60 replies

Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 19:36

Long story short he is hard work.
Left me when I was 7 months pregnant
Was very nasty not considerate of my feelings at all
I’m past that really now all I care about is my perfect little 5 week old baby
Baby was born 3 weeks early lots of health scares so automatically I feel even more protective so I can’t tell if I’m just being too highly strung.

So he has been abit hit and miss, he was good the first 2 weeks or so, he even stayed on the sofa the odd night to help with feeds. After these two weeks he started asking for over night visits - I said no.
Then at 3 weeks old I said he could have a day with baby on his own - this is what he kept asking for as he didn’t want to have to see me every time he wanted just time with her which I understand. However he went out the night before and didn’t turn up. Somehow he blamed me for this.
So we made a plan- well I did. I made a plan that if he came to see her 3 evenings a week to do bath/ bottle/ bonding he could take her for 3 hours Saturday morning and Sunday mornings. I thought it was good as he could get to know her routine and also get time alone with her.

Thursday she was sent to hospital with blood in her stools- everything was fine thank god but I was there for 8 hours and he didn’t even text. He knew I was there. He didn’t ask how she was. I text him the next day ( Friday) asking what he’s playing at why wasn’t he supportive he told me it’s his works do today so he’s blocking me as he wants to enjoy it. So that was that. I find it ridiculous imagine if something happened

Fast forward to today and he has decided to unblock me and ask to see her, he hasn’t apologised he hasn’t asked how she is he has just asked to take her out. I said no. He has sent me so much abuse. I said he is welcome to come and see her here and I’ll go for a bath wash my hair etc, she’s completely out of sorts I didn’t want to send her at all to be honest. I said he could come bath her bottle etc his response was ‘ what the shit you can’t be arsed doing ?’

I’m at my wits end- what do I do? I want her to have a relationship with him. Am I being unreasonable not just sending her ? I feel so protective all she knows is me but I’d rather knownother people’s opinions.

OP posts:
FestiveNut · 17/12/2018 20:29

This is from a few years ago about a similar situation and might help somewhat:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/08/fathers-access-baby-daughter

seventhgonickname · 17/12/2018 20:31

You are absolutely doing the right thing.She is far to small to leave you.
You have offered reasonable access so you are not refusing to let him see her.Do talk to your health visitor.
Also since you put him on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility and if he takes her away from you and doesn't return her there is not a lot you can do,this is what you need to talk to the solicitor about.
Keep as much communication to emails or texts so that you have a record of what is said.
On his own he may give up but he has his mother driving this.

costacoffeecup · 17/12/2018 20:36

They're not going to hand over the baby to him. Stand firm. If you're seeing a solicitor too explain that he lost his temper around her and used abusive language to her and you're concerned for her safety if he sees her unsupervised. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

I suspect he will get bored fairly quickly, he is using asking for access to her as a way of getting to you.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 17/12/2018 20:40

OP please stop doubting yourself. Trust your instincts with your baby.

And stop imagining some wonderful father daughter relationship- he will teach her to have low expectations from men so you really don’t need to feel guilt/pressure about facilitating a relationship. He can do that himself via courts etc

Allthewaves · 17/12/2018 20:55

Go for contact centre or if his family are decent types arrange with them. The I wouldn't have him in my home.but I would.set up a contact schedule.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 17/12/2018 21:48

Thankyou for the advice everyone !
I just hate the manipulation him telling me I’m refusing him access really gets to me because I’ve done nothing but try to facilitate a relationship :(

OP posts:
LIZS · 17/12/2018 22:06

Which is why you need to detach and use a contact centre. Note down what has happened so far - Including how he avoided you while she was ill - and any messages and visits. Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

Original poster
Expressodaily · 17/12/2018 22:28

No I havnt spoken to anyone yet really.
just on here.
My mum passed a couple of years ago so my dad doesn’t really get it, he doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t send her over night at 2 weeks or why I want to build a relationship rather than just sending her. So it’s quite hard to talk to him about it

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 21/12/2018 21:35

How did the solicitor meeting go? Did the health visitor give you any advice?

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