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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop contact with my baby’s dad?

60 replies

Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 19:36

Long story short he is hard work.
Left me when I was 7 months pregnant
Was very nasty not considerate of my feelings at all
I’m past that really now all I care about is my perfect little 5 week old baby
Baby was born 3 weeks early lots of health scares so automatically I feel even more protective so I can’t tell if I’m just being too highly strung.

So he has been abit hit and miss, he was good the first 2 weeks or so, he even stayed on the sofa the odd night to help with feeds. After these two weeks he started asking for over night visits - I said no.
Then at 3 weeks old I said he could have a day with baby on his own - this is what he kept asking for as he didn’t want to have to see me every time he wanted just time with her which I understand. However he went out the night before and didn’t turn up. Somehow he blamed me for this.
So we made a plan- well I did. I made a plan that if he came to see her 3 evenings a week to do bath/ bottle/ bonding he could take her for 3 hours Saturday morning and Sunday mornings. I thought it was good as he could get to know her routine and also get time alone with her.

Thursday she was sent to hospital with blood in her stools- everything was fine thank god but I was there for 8 hours and he didn’t even text. He knew I was there. He didn’t ask how she was. I text him the next day ( Friday) asking what he’s playing at why wasn’t he supportive he told me it’s his works do today so he’s blocking me as he wants to enjoy it. So that was that. I find it ridiculous imagine if something happened

Fast forward to today and he has decided to unblock me and ask to see her, he hasn’t apologised he hasn’t asked how she is he has just asked to take her out. I said no. He has sent me so much abuse. I said he is welcome to come and see her here and I’ll go for a bath wash my hair etc, she’s completely out of sorts I didn’t want to send her at all to be honest. I said he could come bath her bottle etc his response was ‘ what the shit you can’t be arsed doing ?’

I’m at my wits end- what do I do? I want her to have a relationship with him. Am I being unreasonable not just sending her ? I feel so protective all she knows is me but I’d rather knownother people’s opinions.

OP posts:

NotANotMan · 16/12/2018 20:05

Stubborn has good advice.

TinkerSpy · 16/12/2018 20:05

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to entice any further nastiness or drama, but be firm that contact absolutely has to be with you there.

WHY does he want to be alone with her? She's so young and needs her mum there, especially as she's only bonded to you. That would worry me horrendously that he wanted to be alone.

I would keep evidence of all his awful behaviour. Keep a detailed record of when he's seen her, when he hasn't turned up etc.

Absolutely seek legal advice! Could Citizens advice help signpost you? Explain you have an abusive ex and you feel your baby might be vulnerable with him.

AnoukSpirit · 16/12/2018 20:07

I remember your previous threads by the way. As I've said, he is not "hard work" he is abusive, and you really need to work on accepting that rather than putting your head in the sand and hoping if you carry on he'll stop. He won't. They never do.

Please, please go on the Freedom Programme so you can see his abuse for what it is and be in a position to protect your little girl from the damage he will inflict on her if you keep trying to do what he says.

You talk about wanting to protect her - so go on Freedom, let them teach you about abuse so you understand why we keep describing him this way to you, and so you understand the huge damage it does on babies, children, and teenagers.

That knowledge will give you the power to protect your little girl in the best way possible.

He is not stressed. He is not struggling. You need to stop making excuses for him and minimising horrific behaviour. This is not even new behaviour for him and you know it. I understand why you would want to hope your baby could have a loving father, but unfortunately that is not who he is and so you need to step up and protect her.

Talk to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

People aren't telling you this because they've got it in for him, they're telling you this because they've got the perspective you don't because you're in the middle of this situation and because many of us have been on the receiving end of abuse from men who started like this and only continued to get so much worse.

MrPipsGran · 16/12/2018 20:08

Sweetheart, you need to keep this man away from your precious baby. The things that you heard him say should be enough to make you wary of him being with her, especially on his own. Please do not let him have any more contact until you have arranged for supervised access in a contact centre. Tell your Health Visitor about the situation and get some legal advice too. Your baby comes first and foremost, as do you.

LIZS · 16/12/2018 20:11

If you need support ask your hv for advice. Supervised contact at a centre might work better than him turning up at yours. If he and his family are manipulative then you need strong boundaries and others less emotionally involved to reinforce them.

TinkerSpy · 16/12/2018 20:11

@Expressodaily

I think it’s hard cause I want him to bond with her Why?

and I thought he was just stressed and struggling and I felt bad for him. But the more it’s gone on he just seems so selfish

Unfortunately, he really sounds like he's very troubled and has a lot of issues. Normal men don't act like this. Decent men are respectful, kind and very supportive. And decent men make decent dads. Abusive men make abusive dads. (My dad was awful, I speak from experience).

Sure, we all have our off days but I think you've given him far too much leeway. Good dads don't swear at their baby daughter because they're struggling to feed.

He won't change.

IncomingCannonFire · 16/12/2018 20:17

I would speak to your midwife/ health visitor for advice on where to seek the best help. Further advice contact women's aid.
He doesn't sound like the best influence for her.
I would not send her for overnights but supervised visits only personally.

Snowwontbelong · 16/12/2018 20:21

Why are you so intent on your dd bonding with an abusive arsehole?
Let him seek contact via the legal route.
He is too volatile to have unsupervised contact.

Original poster

Expressodaily · 16/12/2018 20:50

I think it’s the fact that I know he is going to turn round and say I’ve stopped him seeing his daughter and be quite horrible to me and I just hate confrontation. It’s not that I don’t want him in her life I really do I think it’s important. It’s just that I want him to respect the fact she’s new and I’m trying to establish routine and it isn’t good for me or her for him to just whisk her away for the day which he doesn’t understand he just thinks I’m being ridiculous

OP posts:

Snowwontbelong · 16/12/2018 21:01

Maybe read up on new df's who lose their cool with a newborn. .
Maybe make you take his attitude more seriously.

stubbornstains · 16/12/2018 21:02

A lot of alarm bells are ringing to me here around how he wants to see your baby.

He loses his temper with a newborn. He wants to take her out of your sight for hours at a time. He is verbally aggressive to you.

Look, abusive men can and do kill their babies. Please don't be next month's news headline.

Start visualising a strong, stone wall inside yourself. Whenever you have to have any contact with him, visualise yourself safely protected by that wall as you say, "No unsupervised contact. No contact at all without mediation". Please.

LIZS · 16/12/2018 21:03

Tell him to speak to you via a solicitor. All the time you avoid confrontation he can abuse and control you.

TheHauntedFishtank · 16/12/2018 21:05

Why on earth do you think it’s important for that poor wee mite to have an abusive arsehole like that in her life? Please follow the very good advice you’ve been given here and stop minimising his behaviour.

Pachyderm1 · 16/12/2018 21:06

Mumsnet should honestly do a campaign telling women with shit partners not to put them on the birth certificate.

Sorry he’s being such a shit OP. YANBU to stick to your guns. Would a court order help?

schopenhauer · 16/12/2018 21:14

You not liking confrontation is not as important as baby’s welfare, but I suspect you are concerned he will become abusive as he has in the past. So basically you are scared of him, because he is a horrible person. Therefore I would not want him to have any unsupervised contact with my dd, or even any contact at all tbh.... the thing about him saying open your fucking mouth is terrifying tbh, there have been cases in the news recently if newborns being hurt and that scares me. Please don’t give in to his scaremongering tactics! I would say try a solicitor.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/12/2018 21:19

I would send him an email saying that you want to do the right thing for your DC and do what is in her interests. But because you are both new to this parenting gig, you would like to do this via mediation with professionals who have experience in working out what is in the best interests of children, especially newborns.

say that once he has confirmed in writing that he is willing to go to mediation then you will make an appointment. Then see what happens.

If he tries to suggest anything else, keep saying, no it would be in DCs best interests to have a professional tell us what is best for her.

Keep all communications.

And remember, you cant force him to be a good father. he has to want to do that.

All you can do is the best for your DC.

That shouldn't come from a place of fear or trying to appease someone who shouts at you.

stubbornstains · 16/12/2018 21:21

To be honest, OP might have to do nothing more than simply screw up the courage to say "No. You will have to abide by my (very reasonable) rules if you want to see my daughter". At which point he will probably do one of three things:

abide by her rules, and start to build a relationship with his child;
say "NO!" See you in court! I WILL have my unsupervised access!" (very unlikely that he'd do this, and even less likely that it would be granted so young IMHO, plus they'd have to do mediation first anyway, it's a legal requirement),

or 3) hit the roof, call her every name under the sun, flounce off and badmouth her to every Tom, Dick and Harry down the pub.

I consider reaction 3 to be far, far, far the most likely, I'm afraid. Brace yourself OP, and get your allies onside.

stubbornstains · 16/12/2018 21:25

Also, if it's at all possible, have somebody there whenever he comes round. Friend, mum, health visitor...would this be possible, do you think?

RedDeadRoach · 16/12/2018 21:42

He was saying open your fucking mouth trying to feed her and for fuck sake

No way would I be doing anything at all to facilitate this useless sack of shit being anywhere near your tiny, defenceless baby. Let him fight for contact. Abusive fucking prick. Premature babies are incredibly vulnerable and they do frequently take a long time to feed.

Original poster

Expressodaily · 17/12/2018 19:55

Ok so update -
Im visiting a solicitor tomorrow. Unsure what it’ll achieve - perhaps just to document.

However todau he asked me to take her this evening. I said no- I explained I don’t think she knows him however he is welcome to come and see her.
He told me no he won’t be visiting her in my home and he will go to a solicitor and they’ll sort it as I am ‘ refusing him access to his daughter ‘

Does anyone have any advice ? I am worried. Im worried it will be seen as I’m stopping him seeing her and it’ll go against me- but I did say he’s welcome to come and see her just not take her ? And I thought my reason was valid !
I’m just so worried he will see a solicitor and instantly get her and she’ll be so confused :(

OP posts:

LIZS · 17/12/2018 20:02

He won't instantly get anything. Document that you offered and he refused to come over. His wants do not trump her needs. Incidentally what made you put him on birth certificate? Have you spoken to hv etc yet?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 17/12/2018 20:06

Solicitors don't wave a magic wand and get access granted. He will have to follow a process to get contact. It won't be instant.

Original poster

Expressodaily · 17/12/2018 20:07

Will it go against me that I’m saying he can’t take her ? Does that come accross as me refusing access ? I’m just so nervous he’s making me out to be s horrible person when I just wanted consistency.
Birth certificate well he is her dad- but now I am massively regretting it.
Health visitor is here for 6 week check on Wednesday- I feel abit awkward mentioning it though I feel like I’m letting my baby down I hate all this upset

OP posts:

LIZS · 17/12/2018 20:14

You only need to show you are putting your dd's needs first, your hv can reassure you that asking her father not to take her out at random times is fine. Noone is going to remove a well cared for, content and thriving young baby from its mother. Hopefully his "solicitor" will explain his "rights".

TeaPot496 · 17/12/2018 20:26

Tell your HV everything. From a safeguarding perspective you need to be seen to be actively protecting her from him, given what you have described of his abusive behaviour.

If a mother permits unsupervised access to an abusive person then SS act in the best interests of the baby

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