How long is reasonable to clear out parents house after their death?

[Panders70]

AIBU...... I have this afternoon had a blazing row with my sister after she I was being too slow at clearing out my Mums house after her recent passing. She and my siblings are very keen to get the house sold and see clearing it out quickly as an important step in achieving that.

My Mum died at the end of October after an 18 month illness - during which my 3 siblings spent very little time helping Mum out. I asked them for help - they all said they were too busy. The one who upset me today lives away most of the time and would at best see Mum 3 or 4 times a year.

I am in bits, having spent so much time caring for my Mum over the past 18 months and having been the one to put her into a nursing home some months ago when she could no longer manage alone at home. Sadly it wasn't an option for her to live with me and my family as her nursing needs were so great and we could not afford round the clock nursing care at home (I work full time). Mum never forgave me for putting her into a nursing home and saw that as my decision. It was an incredibly difficult decision and one that was not taken lightly. I miss my Mum terribly.

I told my sister that I would return to my Mums house between Christmas and New Year to start sorting through her things .... which would be 8 weeks after she has died .... which personally for me is still too soon - but with my siblings going in weekly and taking things they want (although they never had the time to visit on a regular basis when she was ill, they can all suddenly go and find the time to 'clear out' the house).

We have a buyer for the house and it will be sold in due course, I just cannot find it in me at this time of year (and I am the only one with dependant school age children at home) to go and her words 'sort Mums clothes out for the charity shop' before Christmas. She also believes its better that people be allowed to take things they would like rather have them in the house for another few weeks.

AIBU in asking them to wait until after Xmas when I can find the strength to go and clear the apartment with them. In the meantime I have asked them to stop throwing / taking things away when I am not there. It really upsets me to think that what they perceive to be 'tat', were actually objects that my Mum held dear. Sentimental 'nik naks' maybe, but for me at the moment they remind me of my dear Mum.

I am so upset, but as my sister said this afternoon, we are all upset and as the 3 of them think it best to get the house cleared/sold ASAP so that we can all move on I should get on with it and stop complaining that they never offered any help whilst she was ill. I had said that I was upset that they could all suddenly now find the time to clear the house but could not find the time to help her when she was ill.

AIBU in waiting for 8 weeks to get rid of my Mum's 'life possessions'?

Px

Yanbu but I don't think they are either.
Could you ask them to put stuff they want to bin a pile so you can go through it and check for sentimental pieces before they actually go in the bin?
Other than that I think they should be able to clear the house and get in on the market.

My condolences OP
It’s a bit like ripping off a plaster really
Can you do it with a loved one or friend ? I helped my Mum after her Mum died

Your siblings sound vile but I would do it to get them off your back to be honest

Is there a will? Has it been read? Who is the executor? Just a bit at the idea of your siblings going in and helping themselves to stuff if a will exists.

In terms of the time, I don't think 8 weeks is too soon. The council gave me 2 months to clear my mum's property after her sudden death, which was very generous. I've heard people speak of 1/2 weeks grace. However, it is a bad time of year and it would not be unreasonable to expect them to wait until after xmas/new year is past.

It sounds as if you've had a very difficult time. I hope there are people taking care of you?

YANBU and neither are they really; it's an emotional time for you all and you've also got house buyers wanting to get into their new home.
I think you all need to take a deep breath and try to be supportive of each other

Both my Dm and DMIL died October/november

My BIL was clearing my MIL out within a week., thats the way he dealt with it.
My DSIS got upset because i bagged up my DM's clothes after a couple of months as she wanted them to be the last things to go.

Everyone is different and your siblings are not wrong in wanting to get it over and done with.

I lost my mum earlier this year and was confronted with the clearing out. I got good friends to help me. I would do the same, book time with people you can trust, and I would tell your siblings that the clearance and house sale will be done in January, which is not too long for them to wait, but it is necessary for you to get through Christmas first. In fact I would put an extra lock on the doors somewhere in the meantime (don't know who technically owns the house right now but they're not exactly playing fair) and suggest you all agree it stays as is until the new year. It's really not much longer, and I agree with you that they are not behaving kindly.

It's a really hard time and what suits one person wont suit another unfortunately. For some people the wait will feel harder and it's not neccesarily a sign they don't care or have their priorities wrong.

When my mum passed the housing association gave us a whole two weeks, and we had to argue to get the second week, their standard was one
It did mean that we didn't have time to sort properly and I'm sad that some things probably went to charity that I would have rather kept.

One tip I would have is to take photos of things as you pack them up, to keep for the memories, and try to only hold onto the things that you would actually get out again or display, as things that go in a box in the loft aren't actually that useful to you however important it might feel at the time.
Also if clothes are sentimental, have a look at commissioning someone to create you a memory bear or pillow (Google them, they're lovely, and can help you be a bit more selective about what to hang on to)

If there is a will then surely nobody is allowed to start taking things before probate?

When my beloved grandfather died we ate some chocolates that he had had in his house and my uncle joked that we really shouldn’t be doing that - of course under the circumstances (all family on excellent terms) there was no harm in it but technically they were part of the estate!

I’m sorry for your loss. I can imagine that it’s especially hard right now as you will be missing your mother more than ever at this time of year

Sorry to read this op. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I have just had a row with my sister about exactly the same thing ! So fed up I can’t even bear to write it all out.

My dad died in the July, and I had the furniture cleared out in approximately the September, so I must have cleared his personal belongings within a couple of months. That was the best I could do as I was living and working a couple of hours' drive away so could only come at weekends to do it. I don't think there's a definitive right answer, it's what you are practically and emotionally able to manage.

My mum refused to let us clear out my nan's house for a year after her death. I was the only family member who had regular contact with her at the time & it was so difficult to just leave it. We couldn't even go in to wash up, it was literally just left. It was a state when we finally went in. So I can see where your siblings are coming from with it being left and them personally finding that hard, although from my mum's perspective, I can see why confronting it is difficult for you too. I wish there was a happier medium for you all.

There's no right or wrong time.
My mother died last Saturday. She was in a nursing home but still had a flat.
We'll start clearing her flat in the next few weeks. It will be hard but needs to be done.

It's a really tough horrible job. 8 weeks means it's still very raw so if you can wait another 2-3 weeks there's no problem. Do be thankful that she owned, we had 10 days when Nanna died because the landlord said her death terminated the lease and we had until next rent day (old style rent book not modern assured tenancy). Best wishes, it's really the worst job ever

We did my FIL's house last weekend 5 weeks after his death after a short illness.

Was tough but think everyone found it quite cathartic, lots of finding stuff that conjured up fond memories, laughs and stories. Turned my lovely FIL back into the delightful man we all loved and miss. Nice change for the better from 5 weeks of being sad.

Good luck OP

Can you just let them do it. Take one or two things you specially want. We got together to do that so everyone could see what each person took. Then let them at it. You have done enough.

My step mil cleared everything out in weeks including clothes, his car, white goods that didn’t belong to her. It was a civil
Matter though so the police were not interested. She used the house as a weekend holiday home with her new boyfriend within 12 weeks of dear fil passing. Some people have no shame and it caused devastation at the time

Sorry for your loss op x

My Auntie did it two days later, which is far too soon.

On the other side of my family, it took them 5 years, which I think is a bit long.

It all depends on the situation.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Goodness this sounds like a tough time for you. Everyone deals with loss and grief so differently. There are, of course, practicalities to be dealt with but the emotional work (it sounds like, for you, carefully sorting through your Mum's belongings is part of this) is just as important. So, to answer your question, no 8 weeks is not too long at all for what my opinion is worth. Clearly your family feel differently and, if you've already attempted to reason with them to no avail, there is little else you can do.

I echo PPs though: did your Mum have a will? It's really very important to establish that and who has the role of executor. Essentially, your Mum's property belongs to your Mum's Estate at this point and no one should be removing anything without the executor's agreement. If there's a property to be sold there will need to be a grant of probate applied for, and before the executor can do this the Estate needs to be accurately valued and reported. Valuation is going to be increasingly difficult if people are removing things and no records are being kept.

If you are the Executor and your family are stopping you exercising your duties appropriately it might be time to engage a solicitor to ask them to desist or even prevent them accessing the property.

I adored my DM. She died well before old age so her home was very much still lived in. She had a mortgage that I was named on and no life insurance however, so I had no choice but to get it sold and cleared within three months. In fact if it had been left too long it would've become musty (cottage with heating from an AGA).

TBH I can see where your siblings are coming from but in your position I would take what I wanted and let them crack on. Why should you spend the Christmas period doing it yourself, especially that you took on the responsibility for your mum's care?

It wasn’t your mums house then? I can’t believe you’d get through probate and then a house sale would go through in a few months, it takes ages.

I have a friend from the caribbean where the have a tradition of 40 days. Nothing is touched at all for 40 days then they can clear out.

Thank you all for your comments. Much appreciated.

I know it needs to be done, and its important to progress the house sale - which is well on the way to exchanging contracts. My clearing the house now or between Christmas and New Year will make no difference to the house sale.

I am just emotionally exhausted and just about hanging in to give my children as normal a Christmas as possible without their beloved Grandma.

Also I guess what I am struggling with most is that it seems that as soon as there is a financial benefit to my siblings, they are super keen to get things done. My mums life could have been so much happier over the past 18 months if they had all stepped up when asked. Unfortunately I am also the executor of the will and I know the things being taken are not specified in the will and if I am honest, I would rather see things used than go to waste, but its just the haste.

Thanks again

Px

My MIL died in Dec 2003 Council gave us a week to clear the flat which was in a warden controlled block with a huge waiting list.

An over privileged relative picked an argument with DH on the day of the funeral. Moaning at him that a week was too quick and couldnt he have waited. He (and i) told her it was insisted upon by the council and she STILL didnt or didnt want to get it. She had never had to rent in her life.

DH refused to ride in the car behind the hearse and we ended up with him driving our own car to the funeral.

It was DHs stepmum for anyone who knows my posting history His mum died in the early 1970s.