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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How long is reasonable to clear out parents house after their death?

74 replies

Panders70 · 16/12/2018 19:26

AIBU...... I have this afternoon had a blazing row with my sister after she I was being too slow at clearing out my Mums house after her recent passing. She and my siblings are very keen to get the house sold and see clearing it out quickly as an important step in achieving that.

My Mum died at the end of October after an 18 month illness - during which my 3 siblings spent very little time helping Mum out. I asked them for help - they all said they were too busy. The one who upset me today lives away most of the time and would at best see Mum 3 or 4 times a year.

I am in bits, having spent so much time caring for my Mum over the past 18 months and having been the one to put her into a nursing home some months ago when she could no longer manage alone at home. Sadly it wasn't an option for her to live with me and my family as her nursing needs were so great and we could not afford round the clock nursing care at home (I work full time). Mum never forgave me for putting her into a nursing home and saw that as my decision. It was an incredibly difficult decision and one that was not taken lightly. I miss my Mum terribly.

I told my sister that I would return to my Mums house between Christmas and New Year to start sorting through her things .... which would be 8 weeks after she has died .... which personally for me is still too soon - but with my siblings going in weekly and taking things they want (although they never had the time to visit on a regular basis when she was ill, they can all suddenly go and find the time to 'clear out' the house).

We have a buyer for the house and it will be sold in due course, I just cannot find it in me at this time of year (and I am the only one with dependant school age children at home) to go and her words 'sort Mums clothes out for the charity shop' before Christmas. She also believes its better that people be allowed to take things they would like rather have them in the house for another few weeks.

AIBU in asking them to wait until after Xmas when I can find the strength to go and clear the apartment with them. In the meantime I have asked them to stop throwing / taking things away when I am not there. It really upsets me to think that what they perceive to be 'tat', were actually objects that my Mum held dear. Sentimental 'nik naks' maybe, but for me at the moment they remind me of my dear Mum.

I am so upset, but as my sister said this afternoon, we are all upset and as the 3 of them think it best to get the house cleared/sold ASAP so that we can all move on I should get on with it and stop complaining that they never offered any help whilst she was ill. I had said that I was upset that they could all suddenly now find the time to clear the house but could not find the time to help her when she was ill.

AIBU in waiting for 8 weeks to get rid of my Mum's 'life possessions'?

OP posts:

FlatterNow · 10/12/2019 18:32

Hi OP - my mum died in the summer and we are still clearing out her house, although have nearly finished. I don't think 8 weeks is too long at all x

SugarPlumFairyCakes · 10/12/2019 18:50

I dont think 8 weeks is too long at all. I was Executor of a will and it took me 8 months to get house valued, probate granted etc, before I could ask beneficiaries if they wanted to selll, keep or buy each other out of the house. This was with professional help and a straightforward will. Genuinely shocked that the house could be sold in such a short space of time.
Sorry for your loss OP, you need to do what's right for, not your siblings. They weren't there when you needed them to support your mum or you.

BlaueLagune · 10/12/2019 18:59

When my father died the care home gave us a week to clear his room.

His flat had been on the market and was sold shortly afterwards. I had been clearing it in fits and starts through the year but was quite lucky that the lady who bought it wanted some of his furniture so I didn't have to do a full clear-out, she said she'd get rid of the stuff I didn't want.

I can’t believe you’d get through probate and then a house sale would go through in a few months, it takes ages

Totally depends. When my father died probate was done in 5 weeks because I'd had power of attorney so already had records of everything and there was no inheritance tax to pay and I filled in the forms and didn't waste time with a lawyer. And so I was able to continue the sale of his flat and didn't lose the buyer.

My uncle on the other hand died in April 2018 and probate still isn't through.

LakieLady · 10/12/2019 19:10

The council gave me 2 months to clear my mum's property after her sudden death, which was very generous. I've heard people speak of 1/2 weeks grace.

The council wanted me to clear out my late mother's house in 2 weeks. Because she lived 150 miles away, and we couldn't have the funeral for 3 weeks, they grudgingly agreed to 3 weeks. The new tenant came to view the house the morning of the funeral.

My parents were hoarders too, so it was a nightmare. If I'd got air miles for the amount of stuff I took to the tip, I'd have been able to fly to New York and back for free!

TabbyMumz · 10/12/2019 19:12

My in laws cleared pils house within a week, there was literally nothing left. There was no hurry, they literally just wanted to grab what they could, as fast as they could.

With regards to your sisters not "stepping up" as you put it, they possibly had a different relationship with your Mum than you, so I really dont think you should think badly of them. You chose to do what you did, they chose to do what they did.

eggandonion · 10/12/2019 19:21

Have you a co-executor, or a solicitor involved? If a buyer is lined up you don't need the house cleared for putting on the market, so a solicitor could explain a timeline for probate, sale etc.
I'd advise waiting until after Christmas, having had to clear a house at this time of year!

Dancingbea · 10/12/2019 19:22

18 months. Family home that had 50 years worth of stuff in it. She wasn’t dead but moving into a dementia home. It was about a 3 hour journey from where I live so took ages. It was sad although uplifting too - found love letters from my dad to mum from the 60s

ssd · 10/12/2019 19:26

My mum had a council house. I had to have it clear and keys handed back 4 weeks from the day she died. It was far too soon. I cleared it alone. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I have older siblings who weren't there, before or after mum's death. Everything was left to me.

Fr0g · 10/12/2019 19:26

My sister and i made a start on clearing my Fathers' flat pretty quickly, but it dragged on for quite a few weeks.
Sorry for your loss,

megletthesecond · 10/12/2019 19:27

Heads up, this is a zombie thread from last December.

Welshmaenad · 10/12/2019 19:28

God, my dad died in the August and my sister and I finished clearing the house in the following April, and that was only because we sold it and had a deadline! It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Be gentle with yourself x

cptartapp · 10/12/2019 19:29

Don't resent your siblings for not doing more. I wouldn't have wanted to be involved in my mother's care either. That's what her savings would have been for, not reliance on children, which I don't always think is fair, selfless or reasonable.
As it's happened my DM was killed in a car accident in early Sept. I handed over the keys to the family home of 50 years on Christmas Eve to the new buyers. All sold, cleared and emptied under horrendous circumstances. It was the worst time of my life.
I don't think it's too soon no.
Sorry for your loss.

flouncyfanny · 10/12/2019 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddiemookins16mum · 10/12/2019 19:32

Leave it to the new year. Tell them this.

flouncyfanny · 10/12/2019 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TWD89 · 10/12/2019 19:40

I did it within days with both parents. I was on auto pilot and still in shock and it was better to do it before emotion took over.

I still have their stuff of emotional value in boxes though (5 and 15 years on). Still haven’t cleared that out.

MotorwayDiva · 10/12/2019 19:49

A house near me has been empty over three years, because the DD doesn't want to sell her late DMs house, they have gardeners and window cleaners come so it looks tidy. I think it's quite a lovely she can until ready to say goodbye
In your situation, keep everything with any sentimental value, my mum kept a lap blanket she had made from her mum when she was ill, and I used it as a baby blanket for my DD.

milveycrohn · 10/12/2019 19:54

We had to sell our DM's house to pay for her care in a residential home.
It is tragic that this causes so much conflict with family members. Because her house was being sold to pay for the care, we found that suddenly we all wanted crappy vases that no one really liked anyway, but it was a reminder of her.
My siblings and I cleared as much out as possible, bagging up stuff to take home and go through later. (boxes in loft or garage for a while)
The most important stuff were papers and photographs, and possible items of value. (in DMs case, none)
Her clothes all went to the charity shops, but then there was her china, and ornaments, but if no one wanted them, they were all dealt with by a clerance agent

MrsExpo · 10/12/2019 19:59

When my MiL died she lived in a local authority owned bungalow. They gave us a week after the date of the funeral to clear it as they were desperate to get the property back. It was tough.

SerenDippitty · 10/12/2019 20:02

sorry for your loss. It took us a couple of years to clear MIL’s house. She lived 200 miles away and there was no particular rush to sell, it needed work doing to get it fit to go on the market anyway,

MillicentMartha · 10/12/2019 20:04

Oh, it’s a zombie thread.

Neron · 10/12/2019 20:06

I don't think there's a right or wrong time, just comes down to how you individually feel. Me personally, the day my Dad was found and us told (He committed suicide) I made a start that very day. It wasn't intentional, just started as a way to keep the grief away

dottiedodah · 10/12/2019 20:53

Most people seem to come out of the woodwork at the mere whiff of an inheritance sadly.They are always "too busy " to come and help you out of course! Try not to think too badly of them though ,they are all grieving in their own ways .One of my Cousins has kept the house ,for holidays and W/E with her family ! Not cleared out at all just as it always was!Im sure the new year will be fine .It takes a few months for probate anyway and nothing can be sold until then!

Doubletrouble99 · 10/12/2019 21:34

My parents and Pil were both in warden controlled flats so like the other Op we had to clear out their possessions really quickly, I think we had 2 weeks.
It is difficult when a loved one passes away but I have to say that when a relative was infirmed and in a care home I had mentally prepared myself for the inevitable and have tended to all the good times and celebrate the good they did in their lives.

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