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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long is reasonable to clear out parents house after their death?

74 replies

Panders70 · 16/12/2018 19:26

AIBU...... I have this afternoon had a blazing row with my sister after she I was being too slow at clearing out my Mums house after her recent passing. She and my siblings are very keen to get the house sold and see clearing it out quickly as an important step in achieving that.

My Mum died at the end of October after an 18 month illness - during which my 3 siblings spent very little time helping Mum out. I asked them for help - they all said they were too busy. The one who upset me today lives away most of the time and would at best see Mum 3 or 4 times a year.

I am in bits, having spent so much time caring for my Mum over the past 18 months and having been the one to put her into a nursing home some months ago when she could no longer manage alone at home. Sadly it wasn't an option for her to live with me and my family as her nursing needs were so great and we could not afford round the clock nursing care at home (I work full time). Mum never forgave me for putting her into a nursing home and saw that as my decision. It was an incredibly difficult decision and one that was not taken lightly. I miss my Mum terribly.

I told my sister that I would return to my Mums house between Christmas and New Year to start sorting through her things .... which would be 8 weeks after she has died .... which personally for me is still too soon - but with my siblings going in weekly and taking things they want (although they never had the time to visit on a regular basis when she was ill, they can all suddenly go and find the time to 'clear out' the house).

We have a buyer for the house and it will be sold in due course, I just cannot find it in me at this time of year (and I am the only one with dependant school age children at home) to go and her words 'sort Mums clothes out for the charity shop' before Christmas. She also believes its better that people be allowed to take things they would like rather have them in the house for another few weeks.

AIBU in asking them to wait until after Xmas when I can find the strength to go and clear the apartment with them. In the meantime I have asked them to stop throwing / taking things away when I am not there. It really upsets me to think that what they perceive to be 'tat', were actually objects that my Mum held dear. Sentimental 'nik naks' maybe, but for me at the moment they remind me of my dear Mum.

I am so upset, but as my sister said this afternoon, we are all upset and as the 3 of them think it best to get the house cleared/sold ASAP so that we can all move on I should get on with it and stop complaining that they never offered any help whilst she was ill. I had said that I was upset that they could all suddenly now find the time to clear the house but could not find the time to help her when she was ill.

AIBU in waiting for 8 weeks to get rid of my Mum's 'life possessions'?

Px

OP posts:
Taffeta · 16/12/2018 20:17

I’m so sorry op Flowers Your siblings sound like utter ACs Sad

My Dad died recently and we had to clear out his place quickly, didn’t have a choice

My dear friend gave me some excellent advice. She said you can never get “stuff” back so if in any doubt hang onto it. In the weeks after a death it’s very hard to think straight so hang onto stuff you’re not sure about - you can always offload it a year or two later.

I think your siblings shouldn’t underestimate how emotional it can be sorting through clothes of the person that has died. I found it very hard.

Tell them to fuck off and deal with it your way. They don’t get to call the shots

EmeraldShamrock · 16/12/2018 20:25

Yanbu at all. I am very sorry to hear about your DM. It is very sad to pack the things away, if it was a rented property then usually there is a time limit, this is unnecessary. I am glad your DM had such a kind DD to her through her suffering. Parents know there DCs intentions. You can always know in your heart that you were there for her, she loved you.

My own DM is in really bad health, I hear the same from my 3 siblings, we're so busy. One promised to help tidy Friday and the other Saturday morning. I do it every week plus food shopping, prescriptions and admin, I was working double shifts the weekend. Neither of them turned up and my Dbro never visits either. I sometimes imagine losing it with them. I know they'll be ready and available at the very end, but i know my mam and dad really appreciate my help. Sad

MrsExpo · 16/12/2018 20:30

Sending hugs and Flowers.

This is the toughest part of losing your mum. I struggled with clearing her home when I lost mine. It was so final. I sobbed over parting with the smallest and most insignificant things, but things which held endless memories for me. The battered old steamer she used to do the Christmas puds in, an old wool blanket she wrapped us in when we were poorly, a glass dish she used to make trifle on “special” occasions.

Stay strong OP, she had you and left you with happy memories which are far more precious than her nick nacks. Hold on to those and let the rest of it go.

SassitudeandSparkle · 16/12/2018 20:31

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Have you been granted probate (as you are the executor)? You can probably exchange on the property but not complete until probate has been granted.

I can see both sides here tbh - it is so much more than the contents of a house to you. It sounds as if your mother has not lived there for a while now so perhaps your siblings had (unfortunately and cheekily!) have expected you to have done the job for them!

WipsGlitter · 16/12/2018 20:34

We have just sold my mums house and it's been 18 months since she died. We cleared some stuff at the start (food etc) and then did the rest gradually over the year.

ohwellinthatcasetryprunes · 16/12/2018 20:41

It took me nearer 8 months than 8 weeks.

Everyone's grief is different, and although they feel it would be best to get things done and move on, it sounds very much to me that you are simply not emotionally ready to take that step and let go of her belongings yet.

shutlingsloe · 16/12/2018 20:41

@HelenaDove I've helped to clear two council properties- we got two weeks each time and snotty letters reminding us! A brutal process.

chillpizza · 16/12/2018 20:54

I think it’s better to get it over and done with. Get all the hurt done at once not recover so to speak to thenbe hit in the face by stuff months later. I will get two weeks maximum to clear my mothers house I’ve told her already that X Y Z will be taken but after that a clearance company is coming in or a skip being hired in one of our many chats. Dh however will drag his feet doing his dps house lucky him his parents owning but I just can’t be doing with people who drag their feet.

John4703 · 16/12/2018 20:54

My mother died in a nursing home on a Sunday. I took the Monday off work and cleared her room that day. I was not wanting to pay the huge rent to store her things and others will have needed the room. For me it was good to get it all done straight away and then get on with grieving without that worry.

HelenaDove · 16/12/2018 20:55

YY @shutlingsloe Its inhumane. Our downstairs neighbour died last year . Lovely bloke . Had been living underneath us for 19 years. His family got ONE week to clear.

The HA obviously couldnt wait to allocate the flat to the druggie that lives there now who is stinking our flat out with his cannabis.

SantaClauseMightWork · 16/12/2018 20:56

Sorry but your siblings sound selfish. They didn’t bother to turn up when their help was needed and now they are the cheeky fuckers demanding that the property is sold up ASAP? That is some nerve. I can understand how hard it is for you as you were the primary cared. I would do what pleases you and will tell them to do one until after new year.

rookiemere · 16/12/2018 21:24

Sorry for your loss.

It's a really hard one to call. Your relatives probably have some time off work at that period so it is a good time to do the clear out and makes sense to do it then. At least they are contributing to the task even if they could have done more during your DMs lifetime.

I would say unless there are items in the house you particularly want, then just let them get on with it. It's just possessions after all and saves you having to doit.

Cuddlykitten123 · 16/12/2018 21:31

Sorry for your loss op x
As executor just change the lock and tell them you will be organising what was willed to them and any sentimental items you think they would like between xmas and new year as discussed...

Applepudding2018 · 16/12/2018 21:43

I’m sorry for your loss OP and that your siblings are being so hurtful.

If the house is owned by your family and there is no landlord giving deadlines then I can totally see why you don’t want to be pushed into this at the moment, Christmas will be hard enough for you as it is.

I don’t think you are at all unreasonable.

Applepudding2018 · 16/12/2018 21:47

We are currently in process of clearing my parents home to put on market as they have both moved into care home with dementia. It is a hard enough task doing it while they are still alive.

The care home gives us 30 days to clear out after death but that will be easier as just belongings in a room, not a life time of memories.

SerenDippitty · 16/12/2018 21:49

Sorry for your loss. My MIL died three years ago. We took about 18 months to clear her house - it was a huge job and there was no particular rush to sell, in any case it needed some work doing before it was ready to go on the market. DH doesn’t have any siblings so it was entirely down to him. As pps have said I would take what you want and let them get on with it.

RayRayBidet · 16/12/2018 21:55

Sounds like they really just want the money.
Sorry for your loss op and sorry your family are being so mean Flowers

BeanTownNancy · 16/12/2018 22:03

YANBU! You are coping with your feelings the best way you know how. It's not your fault they don't feel the same, and it doesn't make you wrong. It's Christmas FFS, of course you don't want to do it right now.

I saw the same thing with my grandmother; as soon as there was a sniff of money in the air the vultures started circling. The family who had unceremoniously kicked a confused lady with dementia out of their house by dropping her off at a nursing home with no explanation (and never returning all of her things or stopping the monthly direct debit for her rent into their accounts I might add) were suddenly jumping up and down at every slight "delay" in getting their share of the estate. I stopped speaking to those people completely - bunch of selfish greedy bastards.

nicoala1 · 16/12/2018 22:03

Big hugs and my deepest sympathy to those who have lost loved ones very recently.

Just on a lighter note, our lovely Dad died in April 2001, yes that far back, and we eventually got around to dealing with his wardrobe and stuff (mum still with us but not in a position to do a clear out herself).

The day we chose was September 11 2001, yep the Twin Towers atrocity. Needless to say we were glued to the TV and had to come back another day to do it all!

ChipsAreLife · 16/12/2018 22:03

firstly I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is heart breaking. I'm also sorry you're dealing with this when trying to grieve.

took us a while to clear mums stuff but there was no rush as dad still there. Maybe six months until we could face it.

I personally would try get through Christmas and new year as they're very tough and then put a date on it to work towards. Your siblings need to be sympathetic.

HeronLanyon · 16/12/2018 22:25

nicoala1 what a day to have chosen ! I was in a tedious training thing. We all decamped to a bar and just say open mouthed.
Sorry about your dad. I lost my ma 3 weeks ago and think I’ll still miss her daily, that far forward. At the moment it’s all just hard to deal with.

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 16/12/2018 22:28

Op when dm died my siblings ripped the house apart, it was brutal a smash and grab raid. M thankfully with df I was in charge and it was civilised, gentle... And done far more slowly.

I don't blame people for wanting it done fast but they have no emotional connection like you do. It's really nasty and very insensitive.

nicoala1 · 16/12/2018 22:35

Heron, sorry for your loss. The reality doesn't really hit for a while. Take care of yourself.

HeronLanyon · 16/12/2018 23:12

Thanks nicoala1.

Ace100 · 10/12/2019 18:25

That’s me atm. Did you resolve it. I don’t think we ever will recover from the row we had.