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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at grandparents and dog

77 replies

Itssosunnyout · 16/12/2018 07:09

We let grandparents know we didn't want their dog near our baby well before she was born as she is nippy, jumps up, barks at us, scratches and runs all over furniture. They didn't take to it well but agreed but following the birth of our DC they've rarely seen her as they treat their dog like a child that can't be left or put in a seperate room for even 15 mins. But then drop comments such as "you won't know who I am" when holding DC when we constantly arrange visits.

They live 30 mins away and won't entertain the idea of coming separately. We will go to theirs to make things easier but they refuse to put dog in another room when we visit even for 30 mins. They've said dog is their baby and she has separation anxiety. We delicately suggested seeing a vet or behaviourist as she's not been so good but they refuse that as an option.

In the end we agreed for them to hold the dog as its a small which they suggested but within 10 mins they've let the dog go. I didn't really even feel comfortable with that but felt that we have to compromise in order for GP to build a relationship with DC.

My ultimate fear is that their dog will bite or scratch my baby. She has never been around children but has been treated as a baby rather than a pet so I worry that the dog see baby as below it.

I think I'm more upset that they've actually said their dog is their baby and if we don't have the dog in the room they won't see our DC. We have compromised but them went against their word. They then went off on tangents about DC when they know nothing about her.

Husband agrees and was upset that they've limited their contact along with them going back on the compromise.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 16/12/2018 07:12

YANBU. I wouldn't want a dog like that around my baby and if they refuse to compromise they only have themselves to blame.

blackcat86 · 16/12/2018 07:14

Unfortunately protecting your baby comes above their feelings. If they wanted to visit you at your house they would, if they wanted to put the dog away at their house to see DGC then they would. They haven't. You have a new baby and yet are being expected to make all of the compromises. With yet another story of dogs killing a baby in the news this is not something to take lightly. They need to be firmly told that they are welcome to visit GDC at your house without the dog - you can't trust that they'll control the dog or put them in another room if you go to their house.

DD is 4 months and is now being slowly introduced to my parent's 2 very well behaved and trained dogs. Before that they have either been put outside or in the kitchen. Even then the introduction is supervised with my dad holding their collars for short periods.

SusanneLinder · 16/12/2018 07:23

I am a grandparent and have 2 dogs, and I am happy to remove my dogs when DGC were small. There have obviously now been "very careful" introductions. Kids are bigger now, and dogs are great with them.
No sensible dog owner would leave a dog and small child alone together. Kids are taught to respect the dogs space when old enough to learn.
Sounds like your parents are being slightly daft though. Grandchild trumps dog.

ShizeItsWeegie · 16/12/2018 07:26

They are being ridiculous. I love dogs but wouldn't want the dog near the baby in your position. Their stubbornesss brings what it brings. You have been clear from the outset.

Huntawaymama · 16/12/2018 07:29

You've got to put the baby first. My mum doesn't like putting her dogs away but she knows she won't see the kids if she doesn't.

Orlande · 16/12/2018 07:30

I would stop going there - if they want to see their grandchild they need to visit you without the dog.

If they're the kind of people who prefer their dog to their grandchild, then your dc will not be missing out by not seeing them.

coolwalking · 16/12/2018 07:37

We had a similar situation with relatives. In the end the stress of visits got too much and we stepped back until they compromised. Our DD is now old enough to be around a dog and it's all fine because there were no incidents when she was younger.

When I was younger my former step dad let our dog out when my cousins were visiting even when my mum had asked him not to. My dog snapped at my baby cousin. My aunt who was there at the time had a complete breakdown about. Wanted my dog to be put down and it caused a lot of stress. My mum and aunts relationship didn't recover for many years.
You are doing the right thing to be extra cautious

Dollymixture22 · 16/12/2018 07:38

Oh dear these grandparents are very selfish. Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking you are being unreasonable.

The dog could easily scratch or nip the baby. It’s too big a risk. What a horroribke couple

lilyblue5 · 16/12/2018 07:40

My lovely friend is in the horrible situation. Grandparents refuse to keep the dog away from. The baby even though it’s a bitey, scratchy thing. In the end they just stopped going over. Seems to me that’s what they want or they would make the effort to make things suitable for you to visit. YANBU.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 16/12/2018 07:40

I recently read (possibly on Mumsnet) that if a child is attacked by a dog, it is most likely to be a grandparent’s pet (versus unknown animal). You are not being unreasonable!

Silkie2 · 16/12/2018 07:45

I would guess that once DD gets to be a cute toddler they might change their rules. More fool them if they won't.

CantWaitToRetire · 16/12/2018 07:46

You have to prioritise your DC and protect them from potential harm. I love my dog to bits, but if my DD had a baby I wouldn’t hesitate to keep the dog away from it. Really the ball is in your PILs court. If they don’t want to compromise then they don’t see their DGC, simple.

Original poster

Itssosunnyout · 16/12/2018 07:46

Thanks for your replies.

I think I find it hard as they've hardly seen her but act as though we have stopped this. We've given option after option but get hit back with 'our little girl' 'our baby' 'we can't leave her' when they refer to their dog. I understand she is their world but this is their only grandchild and they made such a huge deal and the time they wanted to spend with DC.

We went to their house when they agreed to put dog out of the room but let her in within 10 minutes as she was scratching and whining. They are worried that dog will hurt herself which is fair enough but haven't trained her to ever be alone.
When discussing it they compared leaving dog in another room as the same as abandoning a baby.

I'm not sure how to go on with it now as we compromised but within that visit they went back on their word.

I think they find it difficult as DH grew up with dogs so they expect that we should follow suit. They now say things like 'you don't love her anymore' when that isn't the case. I just want to protect my DC.

OP posts:

OffToBedhampton · 16/12/2018 07:48

YANBU. You'd be perfectly reasonable to stop visiting them as it puts your baby/young child in harm's way. They are harm's way & their bitey jumpy dog! Ridiculous that they won't even shut dog out of the room when you visit, for a baby!

They're the ones stopping their own relationship with GDC. They visit you having left dog behind or no visits.
Glad your DH & you are on same page!

GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 16/12/2018 07:49

I have three dogs I adore.

Although I prefer to have them with the family, I put them out of the room when there is an ADULT who is uncomfortable/vulnerable visiting, never mind a tiny baby.

The grandparents are not only prioritising the dog unnecessarily over your baby, they are actually teaching the dog to resent your child.

Juells · 16/12/2018 07:59

Hmmmnnnnn I'm afraid I'm on the grandparents side. If you're visiting wouldn't the baby be up in your arms? I have two small dogs and I'd be very loath to lock them in another room for hours while someone visited, or leave them for hours while going elsewhere.

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I'd let the dog smell the baby once, and slap it away if it got too pushy after that.

OffToBedhampton · 16/12/2018 08:01

Cross posted OP. Don't listen to their gaslighting. If they haven't trained Dog to go into crate or be separate for short periods, are are proactively try to help DDog manage (not humour) her anxiety behaviour, they're pretty rubbish dogparents.

As well - you can't trust their 'word' as far as your DC's safety is concerned. It's such a shame, their inadequate GP behaviour, but stick to your rules and leave immediately they break them. Or just draw a line that their house isn't safe to visit & there is no visit to GC at yours if they bring '(out of control) dog'.

Ps. A child who was going round hurting other children on a playdate would equally be unwelcome at others houses, so their excuse 'this is our baby' is ignorant. Also it's a DOG! Dogs can hurt if not well trained. If dog hurts/bites a child, dog could get put down. They want to risk any of that?!

Original poster

Itssosunnyout · 16/12/2018 08:04

Juells...

This is why we suggested to go to their house so dog isn't left for hours. We also dont spend hours at their home as we aren't happy with the dog been locked out for such a long time.

I had baby in my arms initially then GP had baby and the other one let dog go.
I also had to change nappy there and the dog again was let go. Although the dog didn't come to us I'm not happy about it being let go when they specifically said they would hold the dog.

Its hard as its not our house and I understand you can't tell people what to do in their own home.

OP posts:

emzw12 · 16/12/2018 08:05

I had / have a similar situation to yours, so I feel for you. I have a bit of a phobia of dogs and when my son was born he spent time in NICU with sepsis and Respiratory infection they told us we had to keep him away from sources of infection, animals etc until he had all his follow up apt’s. Plus I didn’t want dogs round him anyway - I work for NHS and have seen some of the damage caused to babies by some dogs (note I’m not saying all dogs are like this!)! It took me about 2 years and a fairly frank conversation with my in-laws until they finally stopped bringing the dog round to our house.
Son is now 2 and half and I don’t mind him being round the dog at their house but I categorically do not want any dogs (not just their dog) in my house. Just tell them :-)

Deadbudgie · 16/12/2018 08:07

They are being illogical. Any dog can attack a baby with their unusual high pitched noises and different smell, a nip to a bigger child can be catestrophic to a baby. Even if a dog is just bouncy they can easily knock even a toddler over, lie on top etc. I love dogs (I like them more than most humans tbh) but dogs and babies don’t mix well and need either separating or very very close supervision. Just stick to your guns. You’re right they need to work on their dogs separation anxiety for the welfare of the dog itself!

Juells · 16/12/2018 08:10

FGS - 'gaslighting' 'out of control'. It's a small dog. It's not as if the baby is going to be abandoned in a room alone with the dog, where the dog can reach it. The parents are there, the GPs are there, the dog would settle after five minutes if it wasn't for all the hysteria about it.

anniehm · 16/12/2018 08:14

Why can't they just train the dog? I just send my dog to his bed in the corner of the room if someone isn't keen on dogs, he stays put until we tell him to come out gently. Mine can be a boisterous nippy creature rough playing, he's no angel! but he does what he's told.

BertrandRussell · 16/12/2018 08:18

The man who comes to service my range is scared of dogs. I keep my dog in a different room or shut in the garden when he comes. I find it baffling that grandparents wouldn’t do the same for their grandchild. Even if they secretly think it’s a bit of a daft request!

Ceecee18 · 16/12/2018 08:31

It's not as if the baby is going to be abandoned in a room alone with the dog, where the dog can reach it
@Juells, maybe not yet, but you can't guarantee they won't when the baby is a bit older, which is just as unsafe.

I thought my parents, weren't stupid enough to leave DD near the dog and walk off and they didn't whilst she was a tiny baby. But we visited when she had just turned 1 and could walk. My dad left DD one side of the baby gate (which they have to stop the dogs getting to visitors as they nip and jump up) and the dogs the other and walk off out of the room. I walked in to find her face up to the bars of the gate and her arms through it, patting the dog the other side. Luckily, the dog didn't bite but could easily have done. He told me it was fine because 'he trusted his dog' and 'she's only a small dog'. And when she was crawling her went to put her down on the floor next to the dogs several times. I never leave her in a room alone with my dad at his house now.

YANBU OP, I'm love dogs but people need to realise that at the end of they day it's an animal, and can attack at any time. A small child can't protect themselves. The grandparents need to either put their grandchilds safety first or accept you won't visit.

Juells · 16/12/2018 09:17

maybe not yet, but you can't guarantee they won't when the baby is a bit older, which is just as unsafe.

I don't believe for one minute that the OP would leave her child unsupervised with her PiL and their dog - I wouldn't leave my child anywhere with a strange dog in the house, unless I was there as well.

I think it's a bit sad that this is coming between the GPs and their GC. I don't have grandchildren (my DDs have dogs instead ) but if I had, I wouldn't get the chance to bond with them if my dogs had to be locked away every time they visited. I'd be sad about it, but I'd see it as the parents' choice.

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