To be annoyed at grandparents and dog

[Itssosunnyout]

We let grandparents know we didn't want their dog near our baby well before she was born as she is nippy, jumps up, barks at us, scratches and runs all over furniture. They didn't take to it well but agreed but following the birth of our DC they've rarely seen her as they treat their dog like a child that can't be left or put in a seperate room for even 15 mins. But then drop comments such as "you won't know who I am" when holding DC when we constantly arrange visits.

They live 30 mins away and won't entertain the idea of coming separately. We will go to theirs to make things easier but they refuse to put dog in another room when we visit even for 30 mins. They've said dog is their baby and she has separation anxiety. We delicately suggested seeing a vet or behaviourist as she's not been so good but they refuse that as an option.

In the end we agreed for them to hold the dog as its a small which they suggested but within 10 mins they've let the dog go. I didn't really even feel comfortable with that but felt that we have to compromise in order for GP to build a relationship with DC.

My ultimate fear is that their dog will bite or scratch my baby. She has never been around children but has been treated as a baby rather than a pet so I worry that the dog see baby as below it.

I think I'm more upset that they've actually said their dog is their baby and if we don't have the dog in the room they won't see our DC. We have compromised but them went against their word. They then went off on tangents about DC when they know nothing about her.

Husband agrees and was upset that they've limited their contact along with them going back on the compromise.

With reference to the comments saying that surely the parents will be holding the baby in their arms / the dog will be on the floor etc. I don't know about the dog in question, but if it's any where near as horribly spoilt as the two small dogs owned by my next door neighbour then it will not stay on the floor but may be jumping up on the sofa, clambering all over everyone etc. Keeping a very spoilt dog (who thinks it rules the roost) away whilst you hold a baby in your arms may not seem as straightforward as it sounds, especially if the dog owner frowns upon you pushing their pampered pooch away.

Not saying all dog owners are like this of course, just using my neighbour as an example as her dogs are very very spoilt and naughty, but they are her fur babies as she calls them.

Grandparents have been holding baby with dog there but I felt on edge about it in vase dog got jealous.

I had previously agreed to bringing over DCs used clothes so dog got used to smell and then edging to dog smelling DC then we leave but it didn't happen that way. Instead they brought dog in from the kitchen which is visible to them and then went against what we agreed.

I want to ensure there is a bond but it does concern me that if the compromise that we were pushed to is broken within 1 visit then im not sure how this will bode with future visits without us there.

YNBU. Love dogs, really want my 6 month old to start getting used to animals. That being said - dogs frequently inflict horrific injuries on children. The cases in the news are the tip of the iceberg (talk to any health professional, loads of face/ hand injuries that don’t make the news. Very often a family dog).

Visited dog-mad ILs recently, they put the dogs into another room with a chew toy without me saying a word, because ‘grandson is the priority at the moment’. Simples.

Also - correct me if I’m lacking dog knows here - but surely an adult dog who can’t last more than 10min in a familiar room alone, is the kind of nervous dog more likely to bite a squeaky newcomer?

Can your DH not talk to them? Ask them what they think the arrangement should be exactly?

*dog knowse not knows!

I wouldn't go to theirs and I wouldn't have the dog in my house. Up to them whether they decide to have a relationship with their grandchild but those terms would be set in stone.

My dad has a dog who is not suitable to be around young children. My oldest is almost 3 and we've managed many overnight visits without her ever meeting the dog.

I wont let GP dog near my son who is 14mo. No way. Theres is treated like a baby too (its ridiculous). I have seen too many bad news stories I am afraid with dogs that snap for no reason. I like dogs but love my son more. If they won't remove the dog we wont go. Sorry!

They are mad. There is no compromise to make. You do not let a dog near a baby / toddler.

I'd back right off and make it very clear that it is their inability to see reason that this is happening. That they are more than welcome to visit without the dog or for you to visit if the dog is not in the room or in a dog cage.

Unfortunately if their dog bit your child they would not see it as their fault or an issue.

Some dog owners are dangerous.

FalldereedilIdo

It was myself and DH that spoke to them. They have said the dog can't be in another room due to her anxiety and that dog jumps about and might hurt herself.

Its non negotiable with them. The dog is in the room and they will hold it.
But they've not kept to it and let the dog go albeit in her bed.

I think we will let the festive period go by and then raise it again. If the dog does anything negative we will stop going round and the dog will have to be separated during visits.

Its likely they may not be able to babysit as I can't really trust them.

Could they cordon off the bed so dog can see you all but not run out freely? Or get a play pen for the dog so it’s still in the same room?
I meant DH should speak to them again about them letting dog go when they had agreed not to - to make it clear that he’s not happy with that arrangement?
But you have my full sympathy because it feels like you’re being awkward- but in my opinion you are absolutely in the right.

FFS! It is exactly that kind of totally indulged dog with no boundaries that is most likely to bite a kid in the first place! People like that drive me batshit! The grandparents need to be smacked on the nose with rolled up newspaper and sent to training asap!

The one thing that is certain is that in referring to the dog as a child they are not treating it like a dog. The dog needs a pack leader and to be trained to obey, and for short periods separate, Therefore this dog has no idea it is a dog and no idea that a child is higher up the pecking order. If it feels anxious it will bite. These people do not deserve to have a dog, never mind see the grandchild. Stand your ground. The babies safety comes first

YANBU. You are going to have to develop a thicker hide to their PA comments (which are shit) because your child comes first and a dog is not a child. Just practise so these comments roll off you like water on a duck's back. I wouldn't have my child near them with their attitude. Tough shit.

They are making a choice and they're choosing the dog above the baby.

They don't want the dog to be left alone in a room in case it hurts itself, but they're OK with the dog being a risk to the baby.

They could get someone to look after the dog while they visit.

I was bitten by a dog as a child. I was told it was harmless and had never bitten anyone before. I wasn't affected by it but my sister witnessed it and she now has a lifelong fear of dogs, to the point she crosses a road now when she sees one. It was because we were told over and over again it was harmless and then one day it flipped.

There are many options available to them and essentially they're choosing not to see your child.

• They won't come separately
• They won't put the dog in a room
• They won't take the dog out for a walk (one of them) while you're there
• They won't put it in kennels
• They won't train it appropriately
• They won't have someone look after the dog while they visit, or look after it while you're at their house
• They agreed to hold the dog and then went back on their agreement which was completely against your wishes
• They agreed to put the dog in a room then went back on their agreement
• They tried to emotionally blackmail you saying "you don't love her any more"

I don't have any sympathy for them, it's their choice. The statistics about dog bites and assaults are horrifying, and that's only the reported ones. Mine was never reported.

Have they explained why they won’t consider coming separately (ie MIL coming over for a visit while FIL stays home with dog, then vice versa?).

Since that would address both their concern (not to leave dog alone) and yours (not to have baby and dog in the same room).

It’s clear you have tried really hard to find a solution, I can understand your disappointment.

Do not feel you have to see them in person just now. You could scale things back to say Skype or phone calls twice a week and sending photos once a week (or Facebook)? Do that, and just let visits go for now.

I never lived in the same city as my grandparents, only saw them once or twice a year. Yet I was incredibly close to all four of them (until very recently I still had three), your child will have plenty of time to bond later.

I’ve had similar and I know it’s hard

*sorry meant to say “you could, if you wanted to...” do that

Last one! I agree, I wouldn’t have them as babysitters either - just visits while DC is small, with you/DH to keep a watchful eye.

Yanbu to worry but it is a bit PFB not to comprimise. The grandparents all had dogs when DC were babies. I didn't have a problem so long as the dogs were under control.
I have a dog with sep anxiety and were working on it now with dog trainer and classes. But it is really hard to deal with. Like it or not many people see their dogs as a family member and don't want to shut it away.

They are being precious about the dog but you are also being precious about the baby. I don't see the problem when you are all there?

I had previously agreed to bringing over DCs used clothes so dog got used to smell and then edging to dog smelling DC then we leave but it didn't happen that way. Instead they brought dog in from the kitchen which is visible to them and then went against what we agreed.

That seems like a good way to go, and it's a pity that they haven't stuck to the agreements you worked out with them. Unfortunately I think they can't be trusted.

I grew up with dogs. However they were very well trained and we were given clear instructions on how to behave with them. We were not left alone with them as babies and toddlers. One family member had a nervous dog that had bitten once. I never saw it as a child. Always shut away from kids.

In your situation I would insist that they visit you at your home. The dog sounds untrained. This is dangerous.

Would something like this be acceptable to them?]

www.thesportshq.com/confidence-pet-metal-dog-playpen-small?gclid=CjwKCAiAjNjgBRAgEiwAGLlf2jrme6pK3xgMjROl3FhLKGKtSRvWGjVyvSk6ZuTcCRm-bhniklsboxoCLfkQAvD_BwE

The dog could still be with the rest of the family, in the same room, and would be able to get used to baby noises and baby smells in a controlled environment. She wouldn't get separation anxiety, as she would still be with the rest of you.

Then, as she gets more settled around the baby, she could be gradually introduced, on the lead to start with until she's learned not to jump up around the baby.

They won't crate or put dog a pen. They have put her in kennels in the past but no longer do this due to desperation anxiety.
They also don't go anywhere without the other person.

The behaviourist/vet is a complete no go. Its as though we have insulated them by suggesting that.

Will just see how it goes over Christmas but ill likely have to reinforce the idea of keeping hold of the dog or at least having her on a leash if they find it hard holding her for a while.
I'm not looking forward to them coming to our house but will see if I can suggest that dog goes for a walk.

I just find it so sad for our DC and for my DH that they are prioritising their dog.

Your DH should remind them that actually he's their baby.

We've given option after option but get hit back with 'our little girl' 'our baby' 'we can't leave her' when they refer to their dog

Frankly, I think this is part of it. You keep moving the goalposts, so they probably feel eventually you'll give up.

As someone who saw her sister bitten in the face by a dog when we were children, I would be very unhappy with this situation. They're old enough to understand "your child, your choice." They are the ones that need to make changes here, not you, IMO.

I wouldn't let anybody's dog near my child. They must go places without a dog sometimes - restaurants, doctors surgery, hospital, cinema, funerals, weddings etc etc. Can't they just leave it at home when they visit or in another room when you visit them?