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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at grandparents and dog

77 replies

Itssosunnyout · 16/12/2018 07:09

We let grandparents know we didn't want their dog near our baby well before she was born as she is nippy, jumps up, barks at us, scratches and runs all over furniture. They didn't take to it well but agreed but following the birth of our DC they've rarely seen her as they treat their dog like a child that can't be left or put in a seperate room for even 15 mins. But then drop comments such as "you won't know who I am" when holding DC when we constantly arrange visits.

They live 30 mins away and won't entertain the idea of coming separately. We will go to theirs to make things easier but they refuse to put dog in another room when we visit even for 30 mins. They've said dog is their baby and she has separation anxiety. We delicately suggested seeing a vet or behaviourist as she's not been so good but they refuse that as an option.

In the end we agreed for them to hold the dog as its a small which they suggested but within 10 mins they've let the dog go. I didn't really even feel comfortable with that but felt that we have to compromise in order for GP to build a relationship with DC.

My ultimate fear is that their dog will bite or scratch my baby. She has never been around children but has been treated as a baby rather than a pet so I worry that the dog see baby as below it.

I think I'm more upset that they've actually said their dog is their baby and if we don't have the dog in the room they won't see our DC. We have compromised but them went against their word. They then went off on tangents about DC when they know nothing about her.

Husband agrees and was upset that they've limited their contact along with them going back on the compromise.

OP posts:
GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 16/12/2018 19:08

'he trusted his dog' and 'she's only a small dog'.

Small dogs are

a) blessed with ears and eyes on a level for tiny hands to grab and poke

b) at exactly the right level to rip a tiny face to shreds

It isn't fair on the baby; it isn't fair on the dog. Just don't risk it.

GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 16/12/2018 19:10

I had previously agreed to bringing over DCs used clothes so dog got used to smell

Disgusting as it sounds, a widdely nappy (or pokey if you have strong stomach) is a good baby/dog introduction accessory.

Crimbobimbo · 16/12/2018 19:18

Simple. They don't see your child. If they PA coments; call them out on it. How can they be so thick.

Surfskatefamily · 16/12/2018 19:20

Iv got a thread about my mil her dog near my baby. Me and dh forked out for a wide safety gate to separate dog without meaning hes stuck outside.
Maybe give that a try...
On the other hand my mum has a jack russel that is not good with children thats her baby. We dont go to hers as she wont separate him at all. I swear that lately people are treating dogs as more important than humans too much. I dont think its healthy

Tuppencew0rth · 16/12/2018 19:31

Oh I hate people calling their animals their babies!

makingmammaries · 16/12/2018 19:33

They can’t crate the dog while you’re there???

devilsadvocatelovescheese · 16/12/2018 19:37

Bloody hell your PIL are really really sad people. I honestly wouldn't think anymore about if. State your boundaries and stick to them. If they don't like it they don't have to see you or baby. And as for being in charge of an animal, poor bloody dog not surprised it's anxious with that pair!!

KM99 · 16/12/2018 19:39

A dog that scratches, nips, is up on the furniture is not a trained dog. I can't understand why people treat their dogs like spoiled children. Baby or no baby on the scene it's not acceptable behaviour. True dog lovers know how to lead a dog.

Every time they come at you with "it's our baby" you remind them your priority is your baby. I think you've conceded enough to be honest.

girlglo · 16/12/2018 19:43

Am not a dog owner, am a new grandmother. I guess my thoughts would be to see the grandparents by all means - but to make sure that the baby is in someone's arms or well away from the dog. With a bit of effort and pre-planning between you parents, that is likely to be possible, even though your preference (and probably mine in the circumstances) would be to have the dog in another room so that you could all relax together. Maybe when the baby is older. you may feel differently - but if you are uncomfortable I don't see any reason to have the dog near enough to your baby to make you feel uncomfortable. Later, it may become easier, though I can see that you may feel unhappy now that you may not feel comfortable leaving your child with them in the future even when a toddler or older because of the dog. My instincts would be to avoid setting your respective immediate families (grandparents and your own) up in some competition as to whose little one is a real baby and whose is not. I don't suppose that it would hurt to acknowledge that this set of grandparents at this stage in their lives, loves their dog as much as if it was their baby. I would be looking for a short term solution that could be reviewed as time goes on. I don't myself think that either parents or grandparents can reasonably expect to dictate how each feels - should just be about practical measures that you can feel comfortable with. Irritating, but I imagine that your best outcome would come from cutting them some slack while not at all compromising your baby's safety or your feeling comfortable that your lovely new baby is safe.

SkippedALightFandango · 16/12/2018 19:53

My dogs are my empty nest babies and I love them to death. However when my grandchildren are visiting they are closely supervised and separated from the children if either children or dogs show signs of getting over excited or anxious. It’s for the dogs’ protection as much as the children. I don’t to want have to make a decision of rehoming or have my dogs pts because they’ve bitten a child. These irresponsible grandparents aren’t just being neglectful of their grandchild but their dog too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/12/2018 19:56

This isn’t the first thread about this and it won’t be the last. Dd was bitten on the face by a relatives dog as a baby. Luckily it was a nip and the scar is barely visible. I went against my feelings for the sake of family relations. These people are bullies and acted much the same as your in laws. I have a dog btw. He worshipped dd so he never would have bitten her.

Don’t let yourself be bullied stand by your conviction. I knew there was something not right about the dog, which bit dd.

Shinesweetfreedom · 16/12/2018 21:39

It should be none negotiable with you.
No visit till the child is much older.No ifs or buts.
Never mind pissing about.
Fuck if it offends them.
Safety of child comes first,physical and emotional.
Stop trying to appease and put your child first last and in the middle.
If the child gets hurt or grows up scared of dogs it will be your fault for pussy footing about.

Original poster
Itssosunnyout · 16/12/2018 21:55

Thanks for your replies.

I will be having a conversation with them about it this week with no negotiations.

I will give them opportunities to see DC just without dog present or in another room.

OP posts:
Yidette86 · 17/12/2018 03:28

Ffs they need to get a grip and sort out their precious dog, if they actually cared as much as they claim about it they would try to resolve it's anxiety issues.

As for putting it before their own grandchild... How ridiculous, I wouldn't want some nippy excitable dog around my baby, they need to sort it out, they are being selfish.

givemesteel · 17/12/2018 03:58

Agree, the dog needs to be kept away.

As you visiting them doesn't work and they can't (won't) leave it alone they should just come seperately to visit the baby, ie with one of them staying at home to look after the dog.

If eg your grandmother doesn't drive her grandfather will just have to drop her, take the dog for a walk then come and pick her up.

Is there another neutral family member (eg one of their kids) who can have a gentle chat to tell them they're being unreasonable, that in their day it might have been seen to be ok to have a badly behaved dog and for that dog to be allowed around kids but now it really isn't?

justilou1 · 18/12/2018 03:52

Just one more from me. I am a parent and a dog lover. I have had dogs all my life (and have had dogs that frequently saved me as a little one from my mother who had severe post natal psychosis, but that is a rare and unusual story.)They have always been part of my family, but I have NEVER trusted my own dogs unattended with my little ones, and hell would freeze over before I would trust these people!!!

If left alone with your baby, the dog will be brought in the moment your back is turned. This dog might be fine with your baby, but there is a very good chance that it won't be, judging from your description. The most dangerous time for babies and dogs to hang out together is during toddlerhood - when babies have all the ability and no common sense (or recall as dog people say!). This is when a kid is most likely to pull ears or poke eyes and hurt a dog and be snapped at. Personally, I don't trust the sound of this totally indulged dog (as I stated before.). Untrained, indulged dogs are almost totally insecure and looking for leadership. Small dogs in particular are more likely to frighten easily (wouldn't you?) and be snappy. If your child is crawling, this dog will be at face-height. This is a recipe for disaster.

twiglet · 18/12/2018 04:13

Holding the dog can actually have the opposite effect it makes the baby seem exciting to the dog and therefore it's more likely to want to investigate.

If it's a nippy dog and you don't trust it it's far better for the dog to be on its lead with one of your in laws distracting it be it with its favourite toy or rewards for the dog looking away/ not paying attention to the baby on the opposite side of the room.

Leaving behind some clothes or baby blanket will help as well.
They are being unreasonable to not to listen to your concerns my dog is great with children but I still watch her like a hawk.

She likes to smell babies but we always make sure this is controlled (certain distances etc) and the parents are comfortable.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/12/2018 06:47

Just tell them the ball is in their court and it's for them to decide if they want to see their grandchild or not.

KeepingEveryoneSafe · 18/12/2018 07:20

Why is the dog still nipping, is it young?
I have a 8 year old dog & a 10 month old pup and the pup is still nipping but to counteract that I give it a toy instead of my hand and she just wants to investigate everything and they do that using their mouths.

If this was my situation but I was you op then I would distract the dog during the whole visit. I (or even better get dh to do it) would take a toy and/or some treats and just keep distracting her away from the baby and rewarding the dog if she ignores the baby.
If the gps don't like this then that's it I wouldn't bring the baby to them anymore as you've tried everything else and this would be the last straw.

MakeAHouseAHome · 18/12/2018 07:29

YABU. You can't make them leave the dog behind/lock it away. I certainly wouldn't do that to my dog. They are part of the family.

If that means they don't see they GC because you are being OTT about it then so be it.

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2018 09:43

My dog is part of the family too. But I don't inflict her on people who are scared or allergic or who just don't like dogs. And. I certainly wouldn't let her anywhere near a baby, even though she is the classic"soft as butter wouldn't hurt a fly" type.

Nesssie · 18/12/2018 10:12

If the baby is in yours arms then surely it doesn't matter that the dog is on the floor?

Nesssie · 18/12/2018 10:15

let the dog go albeit in her bed - this is the best position for the dog. I would continually praise the dog when she is settled in her bed.

KellyW88 · 18/12/2018 10:35

Ah good old grandparent guilt trips - YADNBU - I wouldn’t want my twins near a dog that is known for behaving this way. My Mum has a Staffy/Doberman cross who is a huge girl, but she’s as gentle as they come and she STILL puts her out when we go to visit as a precaution because if she gets excitable she doesn’t quite know her size/weight. The GP need to wake the heck up!

MIL lives about an hours drive from us and whilst it’s not the same, she has limited herself to one visit every other Saturday and constantly bemoans the fact that she doesn’t see my twins often enough... umm not my decision, invitation to GP on both sides is generally open as I’m home most days! Don’t let up OP - you’re in the right here, if they want to see your DC they will have to compromise, if not it’s they who are losing out xx