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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy husband and his girlfriend a Christmas present

56 replies

Klobuchar · 14/12/2018 14:48

It didn’t occur to me to buy them anything until DD said “what are you getting for Dad and XX”? and now I am wondering whether they have got me something and if I should at least get something as a stand-by in case they have.

It’s all rather amicable, the kids seem to like her well enough and I don’t want to cause any problems where there aren’t any but I’m not sure buying them a gift is what I really want to do, tbh

OP posts:
kalefire · 14/12/2018 14:49

How old are the kids? I guess you could facilitate the gift buying from the kids?

SixToEightInchesOfSnow · 14/12/2018 14:49

No chance, I’m sure you’ve got enough people to buy for!

PandaG · 14/12/2018 14:50

How old is DD? I think it reasonable for you to help her buy a present for her father and his gf if she is too young to buy one herself, but I'm not sure I would want to buy one from me, if my dh had left me for another woman

user1474894224 · 14/12/2018 14:51

No you aren't being unreasonable. However, if your kids are very young you may want to let them 'choose' something for daddy and girlfriend - so they can give a present over the xmas season. This doesn't have to be high value - a tin of biscuits, or a pair of novelty socks each....just so they don't go empty handed. (in future years ex and his gf may do this with the kids for each other....)......Also - it may prompt your ex into doing the same for you....which is also nice if the kids can give you a gift.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 14/12/2018 14:52

If your DD is young, I'd help her pick a gift for her dad but her dad can sort out a gift for his partner.

Original poster
Klobuchar · 14/12/2018 14:58

DD and DS are teenagers, they’ve bought their own gifts as they have for a few years now.

He didn’t leave me for her and as I say, she is ok, we don’t know each other too well but I want it to remain cordial but buying them an actual present seems a bit much

OP posts:
Eilaianne · 14/12/2018 15:01

your DS and DD are teens, he's your ex, it would be weird to buy presents for him and his new partner IMHO

loubluee · 14/12/2018 15:02

I buy the boys dads and their partners presents, the grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins, always have done. I’m very amicable with both my exdp’s so that probably makes it a lot easier!

SlowlyShrinking · 14/12/2018 15:02

I don’t buy anything for my ex and his partner from me. I get something for him from dc. If dc asked I’d get something for her from dc. But I don’t want to have to get into buying 2 more presents than I need to, and I doubt they do, either

Lydiaatthebarre · 14/12/2018 15:03

I wouldn't. They'll feel they have to get you something back and then you've set a precedent and will be buying presents for them for years.

ShesABelter · 14/12/2018 15:04

Na I defo wouldn't in your situation

Cath2907 · 14/12/2018 15:05

Box of biscuits? That is what I've got my STBXH. We are amicable but I am not buying him santa pants or anything... Felt a bit odd to buy nothing though!

Topseyt · 14/12/2018 15:09

I don't see why you need to buy them anything at all. I don't know anyone who buys presents for their ex and ex's partners. I would think it odd.

murree · 14/12/2018 15:10

Nope, my DPs ex doesn't buy for us and we don't buy for her and her DP.. only gifts from the kids.

BadgerWithSprouts · 14/12/2018 15:10

Maybe just give them a card and unwrapped bottle of wine?

It’s a small gesture that isn’t quite an official gift either

ChocolateTearDrops · 14/12/2018 15:11

No he's your ex. No need to buy.

YourHandInMyHand · 14/12/2018 15:12

As they are teens I'd leave it to them to buy.

I'd say their dad could help them in buying something for his girlfriend rather than you facilitating that.

My son is younger so I help him pick something for his dad but if dad wanted DS to buy dad's partner a gift I'd expect him to sort that out not me. DS has chosen his dad a massive box of shortbread, it's never anything flashy just a token gift chosen by DS, but like I say he's younger (and has special needs).

goldengummybear · 14/12/2018 15:12

I don't buy for my ex and he doesn't buy for me. I give them money to pay for a gift to him and me which is plenty imo.

I'd tell your kids that he isn't your partner any more so you're not buying a gift.

Original poster
Klobuchar · 14/12/2018 15:22

I’m happy with telling the kids that I won’t be getting them anything as it’s not what people do when they’ve split up. I don’t think it would be an issue for them. However, as DD has mentioned it, it got me wondering if H and GF have got me something Confused

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 14/12/2018 15:22

You could just get a generic emergency gift in case they have got you something. Then if they give to you - you can give back and if they don't you can just hang on to it for yourself or keep as a gift for someone else. Food, wine or a bottle of spirit usually works best in this scenario.

funnylittlefloozie · 14/12/2018 15:28

My decidedly-odd sister bought Christmas presents for my exH and his GF last year. She didnt buy anything for my then-BF. The strangest part is, she brought their presents along to our family gathering at my mum's, and apparently expected me to deliver them!!

Holidayshopping · 14/12/2018 15:29

Is he still your husband?

Birdsgottafly · 14/12/2018 15:33

Your Teens are obviously being influenced by the idea that we should be buying for everyone and their dog.

When, in truth, all this gift buying, between Adults, is a new thing.

No you shouldn't be buying, unless it occurred to you, because you like to do that.

Once you start, you've got the awkwardness of when it should stop, what if they haven't bought you anything etc.

Birdsgottafly · 14/12/2018 15:35

"However, as DD has mentioned it, it got me wondering if H and GF have got me something"

If she knows they have, it gives her time to tell them that you aren't going to reciprocate.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 15:36

Why are you still calling him your husband if you're split up and he's with someone else?