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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think pre school should help we wipe his bum?

66 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 14/12/2018 08:25

He's 3 yrs 4 months. Can go for a wee on his own with the occasional bit of wee getting on trousers. But he just can't clean his own bum after a poo. He comes home with pooey pants and sore bum.

OP posts:

Littlecaf · 14/12/2018 08:29

I’ve taught mine similar aged son to do it himself but his nursery do supervise. So while YANBU maybe just mention to them that he’s just learning this so could they help If needed. They probably think he can do it himself if you’ve not said anything before.

Whoopsies · 14/12/2018 08:29

Yes they should. Are they aware he is going for a poo? Is he asking for help? My ds had this issue but it turned out he was just taking himself off to the toilet and wiping himself and carrying on. They didn't know he needed help because he wasn't asking. Once they knew it wasn't a problem anymore.

Birdsgottafly · 14/12/2018 08:29

They'll still change nappies, so yes, they should.

Have they said it's against their policies?

On a positive note, you'll have time to work on this over the Christmas break.

Madein1995 · 14/12/2018 08:32

Is he in school or nursery? Private nursery should help him, but tbh in school nursery and proper school I've heard teachers aren't supposed to help the kids and my friend is supplying in schools ATM and if a child soils or wets they have to ring the parent to come and deal with it..

If he has problems wiping but is toilet trained, I think it's best if you work on wiping, really. Right or not many schools and teachers refuse to wipe kids, it's different in nursery but there are different rules.

Try getting some toilet wipes for him, and get him in the habit of taking them with him to the loo, that might help.if its a school you might not have a choice

MamaDane · 14/12/2018 08:34

I don't know how things work in the UK but YANBU, he's only 3 of course they should wipe his bum after having a poo. I'd say up to 5, and perhaps even longer for some children, is reasonable to ask for their bum wiped. Some kids have just been potty trained at that age (your son's) and shouldn't be expected to do everything themselves.

PaintBySticker · 14/12/2018 08:36

I don’t think your unreasonable but it’s the same at my son’s nursery (he’s 3 too). Luckily he usually saves his poos for home!

SoyDora · 14/12/2018 08:36

Mine is 3.4 and wipes her own but I’m pretty sure they supervise and do it for the children who can’t.
Is it that he’s going off to the toilet without telling anyone? I know DD has free access to the toilet so she probably wipes a few unsupervised if there’s no teacher in there.

SoyDora · 14/12/2018 08:37

I don’t agree that 5 year olds should be supervised wiping their bum though, they’re at school then (in the uk) often with one teacher to 30 children so it would be completely unworkable.

User24689 · 14/12/2018 08:37

My DD is exactly the same age and is at preschool - they always help wipe, she would come home in a similar state if then didn't. They have never had any issue with it at all. I asked this question when we first looked round the preschool and the manager reassured me that most 3 year olds would struggle with this and they don't expect complete independence at this age.

Sleepyblueocean · 14/12/2018 08:39

Do the school know about this?

"if a child soils or wets they have to ring the parent to come and deal with it."
This is an unlawful policy in the UK.

fizzytonicplease · 14/12/2018 08:43

OP my DS was the same at a private nursery he just couldnt get his hand round to wipe his bum. We found out that he was just taking himself to the toilet and not telling anyone so they couldnt help, after we told him he needs to tell someone it was ok, however we did have one issue with a nursery worker who just wasnt helping him (or another child) so we raised the issue and again all was ok.

He is nearly 4 now and goes to a school nursery who said they would help if needed, but DS wipes his own bum now (has done for the past few months), our new problem is the amount of toilet paper we are getting through! Lol

Nedzilla · 14/12/2018 08:45

I think many have a policy they can't do it now. Some nurseries attached to schools I think say no entry until trained (bar special needs who then get a 1-1 helper).

However i would expect nurseries to be keeping an eye on toilet trips and they usually take a small group on mass so should be reminding them to wipe properly.

Afraid it just requires a lot of practice at home. Stop doing it for him at home, but go with him and remind to wipe until clean etc. He will get it. Its good practice also as by 4 years many start school with 30+ children and have to go alone. Provide nursery a few changes of clothes for the next few weeks

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 14/12/2018 08:48

I've signed a form to say they can help him. He was 2 when he started and in nappies. I'll work on it over Christmas and mention it when they go back. 3 does seem very young to do it properly themselves!

OP posts:

Madein1995 · 14/12/2018 08:49

sleepy I was shocked too when my friend told me. I've worked in day nurseries and it was totally different there. Friend who's NQT has supplied in 10+ schools now, all reception upwards, and in all schools she's been in the parents are called if child has accident. I was shocked too, apparently it is safeguarding policy in lots of schools to avoid allegations being made against staff or safeguarding concerns. I think it's wrong too and agree check with the school, but if school does have this policy best thing to do is to master wiping

Madein1995 · 14/12/2018 08:52

Ah, it sounds like a private day nurseey and not attached to school. In that case wiping shouldn't be a problem and they should help him. Raise is with the room leader , key worker or manager.m

In schools it is different but a private nursery not attached to school, shouldn't have issues

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 14/12/2018 08:55

Again, have you actually checked they know he’s going for a poo?

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 14/12/2018 08:58

At my SD's kindergarten they told us that some kids can't physically reach round well enough to do it properly at that age. So YANBU.

Sleepyblueocean · 14/12/2018 08:59

It won't be a written down policy because ofsted would be on them like a ton of bricks as they would be on any nursery or school who banned entry of those who aren't toilet trained.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 14/12/2018 09:03

Mine were both in school nursery and they knew exactly which kids needed help wiping, which kids needed reminding to go, which kids would probably still have accidents and get changed into new clothes most days etc. My eldest was afraid of the hand driers in the loos so his key worker would go with him and make sure they stay turned off until he was done.

IntentsAndPorpoises · 14/12/2018 09:12

In a school nursery a teacher cannot be expected to change nappies or help with toileting as this is not part of a teacher's terms and conditions. You can have other staff that are trained.

It isn't outright illegal, only if they are discriminating because of a disability and refuse to make reasonable adjustments. My children's school nursery would assist them in changing if they had an accident, but not actually wipe them (ie pass them wipes and direct them).

Madein1995 · 14/12/2018 09:18

I agree with intents, teachers would not be allowed to physically wipe the child, they could help them in other ways like you say, handing wipes and directing. Teachers in schools aren't expected or allowed to wipe children. Other staff could, for example SEN support etc. Teachers not wiping children isn't against the law and is really common in schools

As ops child is in private nursery though, thet are definitely allowed and conversation should be had

EmeraldShamrock · 14/12/2018 09:20

They won't do it in preschool as the DC are expected to be toilet trained. DS 3.5 holds his all the time in preschool making it a real issue at home again. I think they will guide the DC. I am not sure if staff are allowed to wipe in preschool.
There is no nappies allowed unless the DC has special needs and they would probably need a sna to help.

Can you give toilet wipes and a little plastic bag, he can bring the used wipe home.

Aria2015 · 14/12/2018 09:23

My preschool won't. They said they have to do it themselves. Thankfully my lo tactically times his pops so he's at home so not had any pooey pants to deal with. He's too young to do it properly himself at the moment. Hoping he has the hang of it by the time he starts school but other mum friends I have said that's unlikely and their lo’w come home with sore bums and pooey pants. Not great but if they won't do it then they won't do it. I don't agree but have to accept it.

Sleepyblueocean · 14/12/2018 09:23

A policy of not changing or wiping is discrimatory because it means that some children will be discriminated against. Many nursery age and some primary age will not have been diagnosed at that point so you cannot have exceptions of only those who have been diagnosed.

Camomila · 14/12/2018 09:30

Do they take him the toilet? At DSs nursery the toilets haven’t got a door and are just off the main room so most of the kids go by themselves.

They might not be wiping as part of teaching independence. When I worked in a nursery we would if the dc asked us but most of the time we just supervised.

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