Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex text and I want him back

60 replies

Pollypopit · 14/12/2018 01:16

This time last year I broke up with my boyfriend because I moved to a new city to work and he didn't want to move. We were both pretty heartbroken. I threw myself into my job and didn't make contact because it wasn't fair on him and because I didn't trust myself to stay in the city I moved to and not run back to him...

Anyway after nearly a year of radio silence I got a message Monday asking how I was. I was surprised to see his name pop up but replied pretty business like.

I then received a text tonight about "our" song which was pretty mushy (basically it's the first time in a year since I listened to this I always picture you dancing to it, I miss you)

I feel pretty pathetic and teenagery but it has knocked me back a bit. I haven't really dated since I got here mainly because I wasn't ready but also because no-one caught my eye. I've had a few one night stands but nothing major. This has made me want to text back saying I wanted to come home and go back to how we were (obviously didn't).

I'm back in our hometown in 2 weeks for good (6 months early).

aibu to initiate a meet up/coffee anything else or should I just get a grip and take it as friendly chat?

OP posts:
lborgia · 14/12/2018 01:19

Does he already know you're back for good?

Was he decent to you during the break up process?

Nothininmenoggin · 14/12/2018 01:20

God no it sounds lime he wants you back so go for it. Good luck.

OnceUponATime000 · 14/12/2018 01:25

Go for it. See where it goes. Having a drink and seeing how you both feel doesn't tie you into anything. If you split because of the move and there's still affection on both sides then it would be a shame not to find out.

LEMtheoriginal · 14/12/2018 01:26

Fate!!

Iloveautumnleaves · 14/12/2018 01:33

Neither.

You get a grip of yourself and don’t get emotionally invested. You’ll only get hurt again.

It’s an emotional time of year, he’d maybe had a couple of drinks...

There was a reason you broke up. Your relationship wasn’t important/solid enough for one of you to make a compromise on your job, or to work out how to have a LTR for a year while you worked out a better plan etc. Your own individual lives were your priority, not your life together. You’d never be sure you were a ‘team’ through thick and thin.

Sorry 🌷

Original poster
Pollypopit · 14/12/2018 01:47

@lborgia no he won't know I am back this year, so that's why I was so surprised to hear from him.

The breakup was quite sad for us both - there wasn't arguments and we both said "i love you" the last time we met.

@Iloveautumnleaves I appreciate your comments- but I can assure you through our 6 year relationship we went through thick and thin together. The job itself was a no-brainer, I either accepted it or was jobless. My job has always included travel and so we have had bouts of LDR. It wasn't as easy as I picked my job over him - but I can see how it reads like that.

OP posts:
BlackForestCake · 14/12/2018 01:58

It's been a year. You still love him. This is a no-brainer.

lborgia · 14/12/2018 02:05

Mm, I still have questions Hmm
If you were together 6 years did you live together, own property together, discuss children or marriage.

With the little I know of your situation I would say you would be going back to what sounds like a very static situation. If your have had no contact, have you seen any friends in common? Spoken to anyone else in his life? Presumably you were walking away from a whole life?

I'm going to say no, if after 6 years you couldn't make a plan together, then maybe it's time to look forward to something else. But truly, only you can know.

BoldComicSans · 14/12/2018 02:49

I would keep in contact with him. Reply to his text asking how he is, what he's up to ect. See where it goes from there.
If that develops once you are back I would meet up for a coffee and see how you both feel.
You ended on good terms, it was circumstances that meant it didn't quite work out.
If you feel in your heart you may have a future together I would give it a go as you may always be wondering what if, if you dont.
But be wary of him not feeling the same or it not going as planned. If you are aware of it being a possibility then hopefully if it didn't work out it wouldn't be a major set back or a big impact on you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2018 03:18

If you were only ever moving away temporarily and intended to come home, I think you were pretty impetuous to finish with him. It’s pretty normal not to follow your bf / gf under those circumstances. A permanent move is different. And then even it’s not unheard of to see if you settle and then have your oh follow along later. Uprooting lives and leaving jobs / careers must be done wisely.

It sounds as if he is missing you and may still love you. I’d definitely meet up.

kateandme · 14/12/2018 03:35

meet but take it steady.dont try to fall back into how it was because you've both grown up and away since then. there might be feeling and emotions from old and new lives mingled in here.
make sure you talk through anything ,any next steps,any feelings from how things were left and decision made.
also what if something came up again.would either of you make the compromise to be together then?if not where do you see this going if you want a settling down relationship.
there is no harm in meeting him.you will know then.youll no where your both at and how this can progress.

jessstan2 · 14/12/2018 03:57

Agree with those who advise to see how it goes. You both sound like good people, you may be right for each other, maybe not. Take it slow and good luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2018 04:00

So long as he was never abusive and you broke up due to circumstance, I say go for it and see how it goes.

MerdedeBrexit · 14/12/2018 04:22

I just hope you've still got a job, if you're moving back 6 months early, OP.

overnightangel · 14/12/2018 04:49

“You get a grip of yourself and don’t get emotionally invested. You’ll only get hurt again. ”

This is terrible advice

MaverickSnoopy · 14/12/2018 04:54

Go and get your man OP.

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 05:22

I'm going to say no, if after 6 years you couldn't make a plan together, then maybe it's time to look forward to something else. But truly, only you can know.

I agree with this. What worries me is that after SIX YEARS the relationship had to end because your job needed to move you elsewhere and he wouldn't follow. It's making me think that it's all very conditional on things being about what he needs.

I get that he didn't want to move and shouldn't have had to, but surely if the relationship was solid you could have managed a long distance thing? Or not have taken that job in the first place? Surely there could have been some sort of compromise somewhere from one or both of you? The fact that there wasn't indicates that neither of you were prepared to prioritise the relationship over other things.

I suspect he did realise you'd be coming home soon (for Christmas) and as he hasn't met anyone else he's feeling a bit sorry for himself and nostalgic for the old times, as are you.

But if you are only going to get back together because it's become convenient again then I'm not sure that bodes well for the long term. Committed relationships need to be able to weather challenges and it seems you two split up at the first major hurdle. Maybe a year apart has just confirmed that you are both meant to be together and as the PP said, only you can truly know.

explodingkitten · 14/12/2018 05:40

Committed relationships need to be able to weather challenges and it seems you two split up at the first major hurdle.
This. I know relationships that survived one person spending two or three years in another country (one on the other side of europe, one who left for australia). They worked it out and both couples are now together and have children. You don't sound committed enough to me.

Alfie190 · 14/12/2018 05:55

No way would me and DH have split up because one of us got a job in a new city. We would either both go or neither of us go. You two were not committed enough to each other. Six years in and no serious commitment? You are just going to be wasting even more years. Don’t answer him.

safetyfreak · 14/12/2018 06:13

I agree with the other posters who say you both were never commited much. 6 years and no ring or kids? 6 years and he didn't follow you when you moved?

Honestly i think your wasting your time.

cordeliavorkosigan · 14/12/2018 06:37

I disagree with some others that it's a bad sign to have broken up, I think it depends what field you're in. For example academics often have to either move around or leave the research track, some people might only get in to one med school, and some people don't want to have an LDR while focusing on a new job in a new place. Also some people give up amazing uni offers or jobs for a boyfriend /girlfriend and later regret it! The issue is more - what if you have a drink, find you still really connect, and think about getting back together. what happens next time there's a job? is he as unwilling to move next time / later / with kids / or otherwise to support your career? are vice versa?

fezzesarecool · 14/12/2018 07:05

Go for it, you’ve got nothing to lose

To me it sounds like you made the right choice for both of you in the situation you were in at the time.

After a year apart you still love him and there seems to be something on his side too.

gladheart · 14/12/2018 07:10

I'd keep it friendly and see what happens. The text about that song might have been when he was drunk/nostalgic or experiencing another mood that has now passed.

Iloveautumnleaves · 14/12/2018 07:11

It’s EASY to meet up for a drink and reconnect. It’s EASY to get back together.

But it’s foolish to do so without first being honest about why you broke up. 6 years into a relationship you should work something out together, not just one of you move for a job & break up. There wasn’t a solid commitment from one or both parties and that is where the problem lies. If that is not addressed then there’s no depth to getting back together because there’s no trust that both parties are committed to the each other above anything else and will work together to resolve life’s curve balls.

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 07:40

It also depends on how old you both were when you got together. If you were teenaged first loves then perhaps a year apart has done you both a world of good. It will have given you both some space to explore dating other people without the guilt of cheating, and to really reflect on what you want.

Too many people meet the right person at the wrong time (very young) and the relationship eventually fails because one of them starts to feel trapped and wonders what else there might have been out there for them if they’d not settled so soon. It’s a scratch they need to itch and it breaks up so many otherwise well matched couples.

If that rings bells with you then I’d say give it another go. If not, I’d say there are other factors that stopped you making things work around your job move and it’s only a matter of time before the same factors are an issue again.

Swipe left for the next trending thread