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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex text and I want him back

60 replies

Pollypopit · 14/12/2018 01:16

This time last year I broke up with my boyfriend because I moved to a new city to work and he didn't want to move. We were both pretty heartbroken. I threw myself into my job and didn't make contact because it wasn't fair on him and because I didn't trust myself to stay in the city I moved to and not run back to him...

Anyway after nearly a year of radio silence I got a message Monday asking how I was. I was surprised to see his name pop up but replied pretty business like.

I then received a text tonight about "our" song which was pretty mushy (basically it's the first time in a year since I listened to this I always picture you dancing to it, I miss you)

I feel pretty pathetic and teenagery but it has knocked me back a bit. I haven't really dated since I got here mainly because I wasn't ready but also because no-one caught my eye. I've had a few one night stands but nothing major. This has made me want to text back saying I wanted to come home and go back to how we were (obviously didn't).

I'm back in our hometown in 2 weeks for good (6 months early).

aibu to initiate a meet up/coffee anything else or should I just get a grip and take it as friendly chat?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 14/12/2018 07:54

Was it always expected to be a temporary move?

If so, it’s not worth going back - your relationship wasn’t important enough to both of you to keep it going.

Saying “I love you” when you broke up? Words. Easy to say. If you really loved each other, you’d have stayed together.

By all means be his booty call if the sex will be good, just be ready to go through the same old shit next time you move for work.

Chloe84 · 14/12/2018 07:57

Wow this is better than the turgid movies on True Christmas Grin

This one would be called 'A Christmas Homecoming'.

I agree with a pp - go get your man!

MephistophelesApprentice · 14/12/2018 08:09

I'm going to be blunt here: If you were a male mate I'd say, well, have a wank before thinking about it to make sure that lust isn't doing the thinking for you.

If you still feel you want to meet him 30 seconds afterwards then yeah, do it.

KitschBitch · 14/12/2018 08:09

This thread has made me go all tingly, sounds like a great Christmas love story. Definitely meet up and see if the spark is there on both sides, then live happily ever after.....Whatever happens, can you keep us up to date please? Xmas Smile

3WildOnes · 14/12/2018 08:10

If you didn’t love each other enough to make it work a year ago I doubt you love each other enough to make it work out now. Move on.

Mumtoboy123 · 14/12/2018 08:24

As my mum said to me: you dont have to marry the guy, just go for a drink with him and see what happens. (Famous last words, we've been married nearly 3 years!)

Original poster
Pollypopit · 14/12/2018 13:34

The world's biggest dripfeed but maybe it will clarify a few points about it

Me and ex had a miscarriage about 9 months before I moved away. He was eaten up with guilt that he hadn't stopped me getting an abortion some 4 years earlier. So there was signs of commitment in that we were wanting to have kids. I always think what would have happened had I had the baby.

There was never talk of engagement though. We signed for a house together and always just acted as a long term couple. It never struck me as odd that we weren't not engaged - maybe my expectations are lower than that?

I suppose deep down we both needed a break from the situation as it was. I wanted to run away from it whereas he wanted to stay and kind of be sad together. I think that makes me a bad person rather than him but I can accept that.

We did have mutual friends but like I said I keep myself cut off. I saw a mutual friend on my birthday in September and was talking about ex. I think that's when I realised that everything I had ever wanted was back in a city I wasn't in anymore. But obviously I had a job at the time.

The site for this job has run up early so I wouldn't be abandoning but I would be back and forth fron another city closer to my old hometown.

I am going to reply at some point today and take it from there. I still love him so I guess ill always think what if if I don't at least tell him how I feel

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 14/12/2018 13:39

Oh don't tell him what you feel yet! Noooooo!!!!

You could say you're back over Christmas and does he fancy going out for lunch one day? See what he does from there. Don't go blurting out your feelings until you know they're reciprocated in a way that means you can have a fulfilled life.

JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 · 14/12/2018 13:47

His behaviour during the break up would be a major thing for me - honestly believe that break ups bring out the worse in people.
A coffee never hurts

RhiWrites · 14/12/2018 13:58

OP, you love and miss him but...
You have different ways of handling stress, it broke you apart in the past. Unless that could radically change it would do the same again.

user1474894224 · 14/12/2018 14:04

Go slow. It's Christmas. We all feel lonely at Christmas. He might just want you to make him feel less lonely for a night or two.

Goodness I often made drunken calls to ex's on New Years Eve because the prospect of facing a NY on my own always made me sad. Fortunately for me the last time I did this he told me to jog on he was out with someone else...... (this honestly was a good thing).

If you are meant to be.....then take it very very slow. make sure you have resolved the issues that separated you. Discuss what you would do if it happened again.....and good luck. (If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be).

CynthiaRothrock · 14/12/2018 22:43

Talk to him and see how it goes. Sounds like you were commited to each other but life got complicated. Don't expose your true feelings just yet, but chat and get to know each other again. Alot can change in a year. Don't build yourself up for a relationship, he may not want one but take the time to work through what happened. Hope it all goes well!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 14/12/2018 22:58

wow this job must mean a lot to you. You are letting your qhole life be ruled by where the job is basedband thwbtravelling thebjob requires of you. Thats great if it's what really makes you happy but just remeber thwre are other jobs.

If my DH had left after 6 years without discussing/agreeing with me that I would either go with him or we would make the long distance work somehow I would conclude that he didnt love me enough and I would never go back to him. He would have put a job above our relationship.

trojanpony · 15/12/2018 08:02

Even with the massive drip feed update Wink

I still think autumnleaves is spot on.
You even identify in your post that your expectations are too low. (I agree btw)

I don’t think you are a bad person and most likely you ran away because you understood deep down this isn’t “it”

UptownFlunk · 15/12/2018 08:21

Probably not what you want to hear but six years without a commitment and then breaking up instead of moving with me would tell me this person didn’t love me enough I’m afraid.

Christmas is a strange and emotional time. If I were you I would be very careful not to get back with him for the wrong reasons. Good luck whatever you decide.

londonrach · 15/12/2018 08:24

Meet up, youve nothing to lose. Might realise hes not for you or we might all be buying a hat.

MsJolly · 15/12/2018 08:27

Be very careful

FilthyforFirth · 15/12/2018 09:10

How old are you if you dont mind me asking? YANBU though, I hope it works out!

Original poster
Pollypopit · 15/12/2018 12:37

I'm 29

OP posts:
OHolyNightOwl · 15/12/2018 13:17

Are you certain that he is still single?

Loopytiles · 15/12/2018 13:22

If you couldn’t talk about marriage or location for living when you had planned to buy a property together and could potentially have had a DC it doesn’t sound like the communication was very good.

Why not just pick up the phone?

Loopytiles · 15/12/2018 13:23

IMO very few men relocate for their partner’s job.

Original poster
Pollypopit · 15/12/2018 13:46

Why is it so important to get married for a relationship to be serious? We did discuss marriage but for many reasons we never got married - I'm not one of these people who expects a ring on my finger to give me an indication of the relationship. Like hell I would get married so young with no money to pay for it. It was 6 years - those years would not be different if we had been married.

wow this job must mean a lot to you. You are letting your qhole life be ruled by where the job is basedband thwbtravelling thebjob requires of you. Thats great if it's what really makes you happy but just remeber thwre are other jobs.

  • You are right there are other jobs. But this is my career and my passion. I do not think it is right to give that up because the location changes. I have worked hard to get where I have got and to give it up and remain unemployed looking for a job I'm not interested in would have given me a nervous breakdown.

He didn't move with me because of his own job and our situation - we would have split anyway it's just the job gave us the physical space to make it happen.

Giving up your career for your partner is a sure way to unhappiness in my opinion. I asked him to come, he said he couldn't move his job and I said it wasn't fair for him to come and start over in the city I moved to.

Anywaaay, he's asked me if he can come and visit me for lunch tomorrow and I've said yes. Not because I think it will be a Christmas fairy tale or because I'm selfish, just because I miss him and I want to talk to him. And it seems on some level he misses me too.

Maybe its about closure we never got because as I have previously said I ran away from our problems.

OP posts:
MerdedeBrexit · 15/12/2018 14:20

Good luck tomorrow!

trojanpony · 16/12/2018 00:03

Good luck OP hope it gives you some clarity