AIBU to ask what you would have done in this situation?

[ShadyLady53]

I had a bit of bizarre encounter earlier that has made me feel quite horrible, perhaps more than it should.

Background; I teach at a university, approaching mid 30s, nothing out there or bizarre about how I look. Today was Christmas jumper day in my faculty (huge uni so not Christmas jumper day all over campus). I was wearing a “classy”, fairly sedate jumper...I only mention it because it was the only “different” thing I can put my finger on about my appearance. That being said, I’d had 3 really lovely compliments today and my Line Manager even asked to borrow my jumper to wear tomorrow - so I can’t have looked that hideous?!

The jumper was mainly covered by a black parka, teamed with a black parka and black boots. Totally ordinary.

Anyway, I was walking down a corridor in a fairly busy part of campus, mainly frequented by students. There were two mature students about 12 feet in front of me, walking - one male around 30 and one female around 23/24. They were chatting, then the man turned his head and looked at me and said something to the girl. She turned and looked and then she covered her mouth and collapsed into giggles. At this point, I thought that maybe they thought I’d overheard a private conversation. There was only us in the corridor by this point.

Then he turned and looked at me again and burst out laughing so hard he couldn’t continue laughing. She stopped, turned right around and took about 3 strides towards me staring at me. He turned around to but stayed where he was. They kept looking at me and sniggering, making it really obvious that they were laughing at me and were in stitches. She rejoined him as if they were about to go, before stopping again and walking towards me slightly again. This time she pointedly looked me up and down, intentionally glared at me and gave a really nasty, deliberate smirk at me.

At this point they were both really close to me. I was feeling confused and slightly afraid.

She looked back at him, laughed again and then went into the nearest toilet.

He was left in the corridor and I just looked at him, not smiling at all. I felt really ridiculed and humiliated. I was about to ask what they were laughing at when he started to scarper off. He actually looked scared and when her got to the end of the corridor, he stopped and turned around again and said “Y’alright?” in a worried voice before legging it out the door before I could answer.

I later saw her twice and wanted to approach her and ask her what the hell that was about but chickened out.

As soon as she was out of the toilet, I went in myself as I was convinced I must have had lipstick or food or ink all over my face or something to justify this open ridiculing but nope, nothing.

I was really badly bullied at school and forgot how awful that behaviour can make someone feel. The worst thing is just not understanding it. I know it’s a daft thing to be upset about but for the rest of the day I’ve just wanted to hide away. I’d been having such a lovely day as well.

I highly doubt (and hope!) something as bizarre as this will never happen again, but if it had happened to you what would you have done?

What I would have done isn't really relevent but I would have called them up on it there and then because I have the confidence to do so. 30 years ago I would have responded quite differently as I had also suffered severe bullying as a child/teen and had very low self esteem back then.

I think you need to look at the root problem here - your lack of confidence. This was not an environment or scenario where you should have been nervous about just asking them straight out what they found so funny but clearly you did and I can emphasise with that. I would strongly suggest looking into some form of counselling to see if it can help you build your confidence.

well said TooTrueToBeGood .

Yes, I’d probably approach them if I saw them again. I nearly went up to her when I saw her directly afterwards in the cafe queue but I decided to go into the loo first to check I didn’t have something on my face.

As an aside, years ago a family member had to have a big part of their nose removed due to a large cancerous growth and instead of putting a dressing over it, it was packed with something covered in iodine which was then stitched on to her nose. The surgeon said it was the best way of encouraging the wound to heal and the skin graft to take.

I remember being out with her and was horrified at how just many people would openly laugh in her face, point at her, come closer for a better look. One man was doubled over laughing and brought his kids to look.

People can be utter twats sometimes.

People are so weird sometimes.

Funny story about what happened to me.

So a good 10+ years ago, I was a secretary in central London. I was walking from my office to the train station. I was wearing something fairly non descript...average office wear. Black trouser, coat, and plain black ballet flats on my feet. Walking in front of me were two morbidly obese goths. Before anyone flames me, nothing wrong with being an obese goth...just a slightly more unusual look than mine. Anyway a woman walked straight past them without batting an eye (as it should be, I don't think anyone should be gawped at) and as she walked towards me, looked me up and down in disgust paying particular attention to my plain black ballet flats with a look of horror in her eyes.

It was so incredibly bizarre.

It's possible they were just ignorant twats.

Or they were talking about something they were worried you'd overheard, and reacted like twats.

Either way, it's not on you.

Well they are full of festive cheer aren't they? Ignore them, people who laugh at others usually have incredibly dull, empty lives themselves.

the first thing that strikes me is that they were off their face on something.

I also thought some kind of drug, hallucinogenic probably. It just seems so bizarre of them. You probably looked like you had really big gaping nostrils and a pointed head at least that’s the type of thing I used to see during my misspent youth

Sounds horrible. I think I would probably have done the exact same as you. Remember though - this is about them, not you! You’ve done nothing wrong and aren’t ridiculous. It’s their behaviour which is strange.

Having said that, they do also sound like arseholes, even if they had the “excuse” of being on drugs

If that's how they get there jollies, then so be it. Sucks to be them.

You're staff, they ain't. They have no power over you. It can be hard to actually internalise that, but when you can, you will be free from it and free from the past.

My first thought was absolutely drugs. And perhaps he thought you were attractive and she was jealous? But still on drugs!

@racecardriver why deliberately mischaracterise the OP’s description of what happened, just so you can minimise it? You know fine well that the scenario you described is NOT what the OP described. Why is it so important to you to minimise what happened to someone else?

It really seems to me that they were up to something and then we’re embarrassed to be caught, and then extra embarrassed when they realised you were a lecturer. Drunk, high, maybe some sort of romance, or a combo. Almost certainly not to do with you, as such. You were just the unfortunate outsider who encountered them.

Ok...I have an idea. Don't think I'm being dirty minded but it just doesn't make sense that they'd be laughing at you op...so, please don't flame me, one of my thoughts is that maybe they were hoping to have a quick shag in the toilet. They were looking back at you, laughing because they were joking about not getting caught or hoping you weren't going to be going into the loo too. So, she went into the loo, you were still in the corridor so he couldn't follow her in there because you'd see so he legs it as he doesn't know what to do.

Ok, perhaps I've put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5 but nothing else makes any more sense than that to me.

Sorry this happened to you. I can also assume they were high or pissed.

I think I would have followed her into the toilet personally or better still pulled her to one side out of the café queue with my best authoritarian head on and asked her what was so amusing.

I hope you are able to gain the confidence to approach them if you see them again. Twats.

Haha thanks guys, it’s a welcome distraction from marking end of term assessments.

I love the romance/shagging interpretation but I certainly got the over-riding feeling that he definitely wasn’t interested in women 😉.

Sorry to hear that others have had similar nasty experiences 💐.

They were high.

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. I was bullied at school too, because of a physical attribute I had no control over. I completely get this. It's awful.

Even taking that last spiteful smirk into consideration, this would have been more about them trying to impress/outdo each other than it was about you. In other words, they'd have provably done it to someone else in that situation. They are thoughtless and cruel. One day it'll happen to them too. Doesn't make any of it acceptable, though.

As an aside, I experienced a fascinating virtual reality experiment a little while ago - you put on the head gear etc and 'walk around' a simulated school at break time. As you walk around, kids look at you, move around you, sometimes say the odd word. It was very realistic. Before you go in you do a questionnaire about how you feel, most people score nautral/excited. When you come out they ask you to do another about what you think happened and how you now feel. People who'd been bullied at school (me included) thought most of the kids were being hostile, and felt anxious and sad at the end. People who hadn't been bullied saw the same actions, like someone changing seats when you approach or turning away from you, as coincidental and still felt neutral/excited after. There was in fact only one deliberately hostile act programmed into the thing. It really made me realise that those early experiences can really shape people. The wider point to this particular exhibit was that they can then try and use the virtual reality to help people re-shape their very real leant experience in such places. I thought this was pretty amazing.

Hang in there, the joke's on them in the long run.

Shady I'm sorry this happened to you.
I've recently had something nowhere as bad happen to me which I got really upset over.
For many reasons I've completely lost all confidence and self esteem.
I went to the pub with my OH, he's a regular but I rarely go. I'm pretty useless at recognising people if I see them in places I don't usually meet them, so when a man walked past me, turned, made eye contact and grinned, I smiled back thinking that maybe we'd met in the pub at some point.
Then he looked me up and down and laughed.
The old me would have got very shirty and come up with a scathing put down or "accidentally " spilt my drink on him.
But to my horror I started crying and ran out of the pub.

I feel for you op and would have felt exactly the same whatever the context. No one expects to be walking along and have grown adults turn towards them, look them up and down and snigger. They sound stupid, immature and unpleasant. Sorry it spoiled your day. It doesn't matter how old we are or what status we reach, we all have moments that make us feel 14 again.

That's fascinating Stargazy

Do students have to wear ID cards in your institution?

If you see them again, I'd stop them, say you were very offended by their childish behaviour and you are taking their names to report to their tutors. Doesn't matter if they are mature students, they were acting like 9 year olds and deserve to be rebuked.

Honestly you are over thinking this. They probably had an In joke about Xmas jumpers just as you turned into the corridor