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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I'm being unreasonable but don't know what to do.

81 replies

jmh740 · 13/12/2018 22:09

My eldest is 24 at uni and moved out about 2 years before he went to uni. He's at uni about 300 miles away and comes back every couple of months.

We had words yesterday and I'm still angry and upset with him, he's been texting me about Xmas gifts today and I'm still annoyed with him. He has inherited some money in the last few monrhs which would be enough to buy a small house here with originally his plan was to buy a house and rent it out so he has an income. Since he's had the money he seems to be blowing it ie getting the train first class when he comes home,spent £500 on trainers then selling them a couple of months later for 200, going out to expensive bars restaurants etc he's now said he's going to invest half of the money he has setting his best friend up with her own hair dressing business.

Anyway yesterday he came round and he told me he's booked in to get 3 tattoos on his face, I've nothing against tattoos don't have any myself but oh has, but I really don't like face tattoos I told him that I really don't like them and wished he wouldn't do that he would damage his job prospects he could regret them in the future and I will never be happy about it and would be upset every time I looked at him, I know ibu but I can't help it just thinking about it makes me really sad. I told him I've always tried my best to support him but I can't support that. I dropped him off last night and it was really awkward he said some rude disrespectful things I was trying to tell him my opinion and he basically just spoke over me and told me to shut up. he's been texting me today about Xmas and I'm still really mad I don't know what to do about the situation. With the money and other choices he's made I've just told myself he's a grown man and I can't get stressed about the things he does but I can't seem to apply that to a face tattoo(or 3).

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2018 23:34

I would be absolutely GUTTED if one of my adult children got a face tattoo. I would never get over it.

pallisers · 13/12/2018 23:36

God, OP, I feel for you. His judgement is crap. Is there anyone (male maybe?) whom he respects and might listen to? Maybe an uncle or a family friend. I know my 22 year old will really listen when his cool 30-something uncle weighs in on something boring like pensions etc.

Original poster

jmh740 · 13/12/2018 23:38

I've been trying to get him to go to counselling since he was about 12, this was about the time his dad went to NZ I got pregnant, he came out as gay and really struggled with too much to cope with at once but he won't engage with it, the last time I arranged something for him the counsellor said it was a waste of time because he wouldn't talk.

I'm glad other people don't think ibu yesterday when he was talking he was trying to talk rings around me, I told him that most people would negatively judge someone with a face tattoo he just kept saying that's wrong and everyone is small minded and no-one has the right to dictate what he does to his body.

OP posts:

Notcontent · 13/12/2018 23:38

You have every reason to be upset. He is throwing away potential financial security and possibly destroying his career opportunities.

timeisnotaline · 13/12/2018 23:39

Great idea about the henna. Would you be able to say anything like his dad would have wanted to see him...any thing other than that! Or,I’d suggest that he should save the facial tattoos for real milestones , eg his first collection being released, or his first runway depending on how ambitious /deluded he is. What a crying shame op, YANBU. He could have bought a house but instead briefly owned £500 trainers and not much else is what it’s looking like.

busybarbara · 13/12/2018 23:41

no-one has the right to dictate what he does to his body.

Except that is actually true! I wouldn't tolerate someone dictating what I do with my body. We have fought for years as women to be able to have this freedom and even though your son is a man I don't consider them exempt from this freedom

Racecardriver · 13/12/2018 23:42

YANBU. The idea of buying property is really bad but the spirit of you advice was good. If he was a reasonable chap I would suggest you put some he idea of compound investing into his head, he could easily be a millionaire in fifteen years time if he invests wisely. Reading Snowball would be a good place to start. But I’d worry that he couldn’t get his head around it. I think this is one of those situations where you just have to step back and let him ruin his life.

Original poster

jmh740 · 13/12/2018 23:45

Busy this is the bit I'm torn about it's his body and no-one should be able to dictate what anyone does but I just think a face tattoo is just a step too far

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 13/12/2018 23:45

Also worth mentioning that the London fashion scene (like all other areas of life) is still dominated by what’s left of the upper class. They wouldn’t judge their own for having face tattoos but an upstart northerner with an attitude wouldn’t be able to get away with that.

bluecanoeforyou · 13/12/2018 23:46

@ADropofReality OP's son IS at University, the London college of fashion is actually one of the UK's top institutions for a number of honors and post-grad degrees relating to the fashion industry. It has many famous and successful alumni.

Poppyinagreenfield · 13/12/2018 23:51

The most difficult thing is letting go.

Hippee · 13/12/2018 23:54

Isn't the point of fashion that it is quite transitory and can date quite quickly? How will he decide what is "timeless" for his facial tattoos?

BackforGood · 13/12/2018 23:56

Of course YANBU.
I wonder how many of those who are saying 'He is a grown man, it is none of yor business' etc have a young adult child. Yes, they are expected to make some daft decisions, but not of that magnitude and not such permanent and life changing ones.

Is there another person he might listen to jmh740 ? Maybe one of his Dad's relations ? Or a long standing family friend ?

GabsAlot · 13/12/2018 23:58

like hippee said he shold know fashions change he might be ok now in ten years it could be seen as old hat

not everyone ends up in the industry like u say-i think hes lashing out

poppiesallykatie · 13/12/2018 23:59

"Poppyinagreenfield - The most difficult thing is letting go.'.

I agree, you will just have to let it happen. He is 24. Getting a facial tattoo is a big statement and your arguments are not going to be listened to. He will have to find his own way (luckily laser removal techniques are getting better and better).

@ADropofReality: your comment seems very subjective. A good career can be earned through the creative arts. It is just as hard as any other uni course.

llangennith · 14/12/2018 00:02

There comes a time when you have to disengage with a grown up child who is hellbent on making daft choices. You've tried your best, he knows your opinion, now you have to walk away and leave him to it. I know it's hard because I had to do it for a while when DS made some ill-considered decisions while at Uni and aged 22. He's 43 now and still not quite grown up🙄

Thissameearth · 14/12/2018 00:02

I wouldn’t like that either and would worry it’s to his detriment. The only thing I would say is that I was given advice by my dad on certain things when I was young on that I hated at the time and argued with him about. But it planted a seed and caused me to think about it and with time, and having cooled down, in most cases I ended up not doing what I planned (which I thank my lucky stars for now). So hopefully it will have gone in somewhere and might be taken up. Maybe send an email or even a letter saying I love you but I’m concerned, here’s why and please at least consider my reasons. It takes the heat out of a conversation.

I’m not sure if I’d buy a property to let out either, esp not so far away from where I live and presumably with no plans to return, full but agree getting good financial advice is way to go rather than expensive and impulsive buys and bankrolling of a friend. Hope it works out ok. You’ve done what you can from the sounds of it, you really have. He’s living in London, he’s in a good college from sounds of it, it sounds like he knows he’s cared for and loved, you’ve tried to offer support and advice - sounds like you’ve given him a good start and can only cross your fingers now it’s up to him.

jessstan2 · 14/12/2018 00:14

Facial tattoos are horrible. I don't like tattoos anyway but you can't disguise them on your face! I don't blame you for being cross about his irresponsible spending but there's not much you can do about it, he's a grown up even if he isn't behaving like one.

If my kid inherited money I wouldn't mind some of it being spent on treats as long as enough was left over for something more serious, like house deposit.

ShesAnEasyLlama · 14/12/2018 00:46

My cousin got a massive neck tattoo. It didn't affect his job at the time, but he was headhunted for promotion as his figures were good on paper. As soon as the big bosses met him it was a no. He asked for feedback and was told then couldn't have someone with a neck tattoo in a client facing role in their business (executive hospitality). He was relegated to the back office.

He did make management eventually - assistant managing a builders supply yard. Reasonable money, but a far step from what he could have earned in his previous industry.

And as others have said, not everyone who goes to fashion college becomes the next big thing. He could end up trying to forge a career in purchasing for retail for eg. but a lot of these companies are still highly corporate in their head offices.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/12/2018 00:46

Sorry but butt out. He's an adult. It's up to him.Being 'good' and conforming is no guarantee of a comfortable life anyway, if you don't have wealthy, connected parents.

nokidshere · 14/12/2018 01:03

Sorry but butt out. He's an adult. It's up to him.Being 'good' and conforming is no guarantee of a comfortable life anyway, if you don't have wealthy, connected parents.

I would definitely not "butt out" if it were my son. I would do everything in my power to dissuade him from doing it. Not only because of discrimination in the workplace but because it looks bloody awful.

I've told my boys anytime they want a tattoo I will draw one for them (I'm a pretty good artist) with permanent markers and they can live with it until it wears off. I'm pretty certain they wouldn't go ahead and get one after.

PanchoBarnes · 15/12/2018 01:27

@jmh740

" ...no-one has the right to dictate what he does to his body. "

Of course nobody has the right to dictate what he does to his body.

But everybody has the right to one's own opinion concerning facial tattoos.

Somebody dictating to him what he does with his body is a non-issue.
He's pulling a 'straw man argument' with you.

CheshireChat · 15/12/2018 01:51

Whilst the face tattoos sound like a terrible idea, I can see why he didn't buy a property back in his home town.

He has no plans to return and is looking at a career that is a complete no go in a little northern town so buying property there isn't that practical.

Of course, he shouldn't fritter the money away but you can't help him there.

Lovingbenidorm · 15/12/2018 02:00

Face tattoos are THE biggest mistake EVER when it comes to self expression/adornment.
You can get something pierced and just remove the ring
Wear anything you like
Do all sorts to your hair
Tattoo on your arse, leg, arm etc
But to get 3 tattoos on your face at 23yo is beyond fucking stupid

Rachael204 · 15/12/2018 02:18

Tattoos on hands and faces are known as "job stoppers" where I go for my tattoos.
Try and persuade him no!

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