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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and gifts

74 replies

ElfLeftOnShelf · 13/12/2018 19:57

This is in AIBU but is actually more of a WWYD (or say).

My in-laws (PIL and SIL) always ask us to allocate them something to buy for DC from their Christmas list. They have not once ever gone into a shop and picked something out, even when told things like - they like lego or a book on a subject. What they want is for me to give them something to buy off my Christmas list for them.

My DC do not get loads of gifts. I just wrapped them all and they have 10 each. That is not 10 big things. It is one main, 3 or 4 smaller things (£15-20 each maybe) and then tiny things like a bar of chocolate, pens, new pencil sharpeners. I spend a lot of time on each of their bigger presents. I start looking in Sept and am very choosy in what I buy. I come on here a lot and ask questions, follow threads and research and read reviews, then scout around for the best price. In the past I have given them something off the list and then my DC are delighted to get it - off them Hmm

I have never had to ask any of my relatives to pick something off their list for me to buy. I am quite capable of asking a general question about what they are into, then selecting a gift. There isn't anything stopping them doing this themselves. In the past when they have asked me what to buy them I have tried to keep it to things like pyjamas, slippers or clothing but they say that is not a proper gift.

I am getting nervous that they are going to be here on Christmas Day and then pull me up on what my DC have opened. They have some really nice things to open which have clearly had a lot of thought put into them. I am pretty sure they are going to ask why I didn't allocate some of them to be given via GP's and SIL. Told them that they were saving up to buy a specific thing and to give them vouchers for the shop.

I know this sounds really trivial but it is annoying. AIBU and/ or what do I say if they put me on the spot.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 13/12/2018 20:00

I don't really understand the problem? Why not just buy something else (e.g. lego) and give it to your DC from SIL?

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 13/12/2018 20:03

My PIL do this too, it really gets on my nerves.
I don't know why they can't buy their own gift a d sort it themselves. They don't even ask what he might like, they just ring and say get us something for DGS and we'll send you the money.

Snowwontbelong · 13/12/2018 20:04

Pj's.
And stop pandering to them!!
Tell dh to text them the sizes-why do you deal with them anyway??

Twisique · 13/12/2018 20:09

I understand, it also annoys me. I also stopped facilitating their gift giving. Now they send money.

Original poster
ElfLeftOnShelf · 13/12/2018 20:10

Mine don't do that ICanTuck. They call up (speak to me or DH Snow) and say - what are you getting DC for Christmas? They then say, we will get that. I stopped telling them what we were buying and started telling them to get PJs or clothes.

Sounds childish but I don't want to hand over my ideas. They can buy whatever they like for them. I've suggested they do a stocking and pick out small items but they never do. I know that they are going to look at some of these presents and say to me that I could have told them to buy them and kept the boring PJ's for me to purchase instead. What do I say to this?

OP posts:
Littlebluebird123 · 13/12/2018 20:14

I can kind of see your point but really I think YABU. Is it really that much hassle?

My mil always asks me for what the kids want, I know her budget and I see it as an opportunity for mine to get a lovely present that they'll love, instead of tat/something they already have/something they don't like. (Like my Mum gets them as she refuses to discuss with me and largely ignores what they say.)

Overall my kids get about 10 presents each in total, which I prefer. And each one is something they'd like.

I have the enjoyment of knowing that I am encouraging a positive relationship with their GP and I love the excitement they show. I don't need all the amazing presents to be from me (even though they are).

Aneira11 · 13/12/2018 20:15

I actually think it’s better that they ask you. At least then you don’t end up with toys your kids don’t want/need/clutter!!

My in-laws refuse to listen to our present ideas and like to choose themselves! They then buy ridiculous things that are a total waste of money. For his birthday, they bought a massive metal digger (perfect replica), which is a ridiculous present for a toddler. I hid it immediately and it’ll be going to the charity shop this week, as I’m not having it scratch my wood floor!! I’m very ungrateful 😂

fredleighton · 13/12/2018 20:15

May I comment as a grandparent? I usually ask what to buy the gcs. Not because I am lazy or lack ideas but because they have a lot of toys and I don't know exactly what they have and haven't got already. For example, one gc loves reading but has lots of books and also borrows from the library. It's much easier for me to ask so the child gets something they want.

Snowwontbelong · 13/12/2018 20:18

Suggest they take the dc shopping and let them choose?

Original poster
ElfLeftOnShelf · 13/12/2018 20:21

I do give them ideas though. I don't like waste either.

They like Meccano
They don't have any Harry potter Lego
They need new PJ's, slippers - size whatever
They love painting
They like books about dragons and anything to do with Greek Mythology

I'm not bothered about getting them any of the above but know they would appreciate these. I just don't see why it is such a chore to take the list above and go onto Amazon.

OP posts:
IncomingCannonFire · 13/12/2018 20:21

Actually, I agree with pp. My family between them buy dc cheap tat, things the giver likes but dc don't, or something age inappropriate. Slime for a 2yo anyone?
Most ends up in the charity shop by easter.
Just get dh to think up something they can get which is not on your list.

JustJoinedRightNow · 13/12/2018 20:21

I don’t think YABU at all. I agree it is very annoying.
If they look at the good presents and ask - that’s pretty brazen so give them a brazen answer back - you put thought and effort in and wanted to give those gifts to your kids yourself. Or better yet, get your DH to answer them. Or, ignore them altogether!

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 13/12/2018 20:23

Well you have a few options. I’d probably go for either, a) making vague ‘hmmmmm’ noises, look at dh and not answer, or b) say these are the things we chose for them because we wanted to give them to them.

Or better still, ignore and dh deals if they press it.

CarrieBlu · 13/12/2018 20:25

I much prefer to be asked what our DC want. They have so much already that if someone tries to buy something for them without asking me first, they’ll usually end up buying something we already have. I don’t see it as a lack of interest or effort in what DC are into, it’s just sensible in my book. I ask other people too, I don’t want to waste my money on something they already have!

Genevieva · 13/12/2018 20:26

The answer is that you put a lot of time and thought into choosing surprises that you wanted to give to your own children. No need to elaborate beyond that.

Original poster
ElfLeftOnShelf · 13/12/2018 20:31

b) say these are the things we chose for them because we wanted to give them to them.

And this is also very true. The things they are getting are related to hobbies they have or they are presents that encourage budding interests. These presents from us seem very personal in some way.

OP posts:
CarrieBlu · 13/12/2018 20:32

Have you thought about doing an Amazon wish list and just popping a few items on there (not the things you want to get your DC) through the year, then come any special occasions they can look on there and pick something. You only have to give them the link once so then it’s up to them to look.

Molakai · 13/12/2018 20:32

I think it is odd to think of it as your list rather than the dc's list. Surely the hope is that your dc get things they like and will enjoy?

You see it as PIL taking something from your list instead of seeing it as the opportunity to add an additional item for the DC. I presume you don't give fewer presents?

If it's something like Lego it is far better to be specific.

It sounds like getting the credit for the best presents is very important to you. Most families I know, the parents tend to buy the big, main present. Then there will be a list of smaller other items that are spread between parents and family members who buy presents.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 13/12/2018 20:39

I would rather be asked and I would ask in turn. If you tell me your DC would love some books but don't say what sort of thing or specific ideas, or won't engage with my suggestions to get something your DC would prefer, don't complain if it's wrong or they get a book token to be on the safe side.

Cakeisbest · 13/12/2018 20:39

I’ve had this too, I know what you mean. My BILand his wife used to ask what the kids would like about 3 days before Xmas, by then I’ve bought them everything they want so I’d stupidly allocate one of the presents to them so the kids are disappointed by their crappy Uncle and Auntie. I wised up and said send them money or vouchers. Trouble is, they didn’t arrive until after Xmas.

Botanica · 13/12/2018 20:40

Everything @Molakai said.

"Sounds childish but I don't want to hand over my ideas."

Yes it does.
Surely you would just want the best outcome for your kids and take pleasure in the fact they have the opportunity for additional lovely gifts. I honestly don't see why you begrudge it so much.

Purplehairdontcare · 13/12/2018 20:42

Fgs people really can't win can they?

Buy the wrong thing and you're wrong, ask the parents to choose and you're still wrong

Maybe they don't want to duplicate toys. Why does it matter so long as your dc get a present from them?

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/12/2018 20:43

It would really annoy me as it feels they don't care enough to make an effort. It's different when they get older and can't shop but as it is I wouldn't be happy.

Littlebluebird123 · 13/12/2018 20:45

I think @Molokai has it.

You see it as PIL taking something from your list instead of seeing it as the opportunity to add an additional item for the DC. I presume you don't give fewer presents?

I see it as I have a list and it's one less for me to buy...

Littlebluebird123 · 13/12/2018 20:46

Sorry @Molakai