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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and gifts

74 replies

ElfLeftOnShelf · 13/12/2018 19:57

This is in AIBU but is actually more of a WWYD (or say).

My in-laws (PIL and SIL) always ask us to allocate them something to buy for DC from their Christmas list. They have not once ever gone into a shop and picked something out, even when told things like - they like lego or a book on a subject. What they want is for me to give them something to buy off my Christmas list for them.

My DC do not get loads of gifts. I just wrapped them all and they have 10 each. That is not 10 big things. It is one main, 3 or 4 smaller things (£15-20 each maybe) and then tiny things like a bar of chocolate, pens, new pencil sharpeners. I spend a lot of time on each of their bigger presents. I start looking in Sept and am very choosy in what I buy. I come on here a lot and ask questions, follow threads and research and read reviews, then scout around for the best price. In the past I have given them something off the list and then my DC are delighted to get it - off them Hmm

I have never had to ask any of my relatives to pick something off their list for me to buy. I am quite capable of asking a general question about what they are into, then selecting a gift. There isn't anything stopping them doing this themselves. In the past when they have asked me what to buy them I have tried to keep it to things like pyjamas, slippers or clothing but they say that is not a proper gift.

I am getting nervous that they are going to be here on Christmas Day and then pull me up on what my DC have opened. They have some really nice things to open which have clearly had a lot of thought put into them. I am pretty sure they are going to ask why I didn't allocate some of them to be given via GP's and SIL. Told them that they were saving up to buy a specific thing and to give them vouchers for the shop.

I know this sounds really trivial but it is annoying. AIBU and/ or what do I say if they put me on the spot.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 13/12/2018 20:48

Oh for fucks sake don't be so prissy! They do things differently to your family, they want to buy something fun that they know for sure your children will like and don't already have. I'm disagreeing with everyone and think you sound bloody hard work.

NanooCov · 13/12/2018 20:48

I don't understand the problem to be honest. I put things on a list throughout the year that I know the kids will like that parents or in laws can buy. On the list I don't include things that me and DH want to get them - eg first bike, scooter etc. Simple really.

IamSusan · 13/12/2018 20:49

I don't understand, so your children end up with things they actually like instead of random tat, or an unwanted duplicate?

If it's the case, sorry but you are massively BU and childish.

Buy your own things, then allocate "second best" ideas to complement yours. I never understand this crappy competition to be the winner at giving present. Keep THE best present to be from you by all means, but if you only give 10 including small ones, I am sure there are plenty of others things your children would enjoy.

They won't love you any less because they were delighted by a present from Grandpa or auntie Sue. They are only kids once, giving them another present they will love is hardly spoiling them.

Chloe84 · 13/12/2018 20:49

If you're buying, say, 5 things for dc, surely you've ruled out one thing that made it to no.6? Just tell PIL to get that.

I think this defensiveness is a reaction to the wife work of Christmas. Get DH to sort presents for once.

I don't think kids give a shit who the giver of the cool present is.

A580Hojas · 13/12/2018 20:50

Ime this is not an inlaw-exclusive problem.

I am expected to come up with gift ideas for all of my family from all of my relatives who buy gifts for them. When I ask said relatives for ideas of what I might buy them in return I usually hear "oh I don't know, I don't actually want or need anything".

It is the big thing I dislike about Christmas. Everything else I am quite jolly about.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 13/12/2018 20:52

The OP has said the children would like some Lego. It’s not a cheap gift these days, and it’s versatile and lasts.

Why does she have to go further than she has. Her list of extra stuff the children would like is perfectly acceptable for extended family. If the extended family get their noses in a twist they need to relax a bit and possibly remember they’re not the parents.

Waffles80 · 13/12/2018 20:53

I just don’t see the problem. Family want to buy something the children will love; they don’t want to get it wrong.

I would welcome such an approach from my family!

IamSusan · 13/12/2018 20:54

Why does she have to go further than she has.

have you bought legos recently? It's not unreasonable to ask for more details to buy the best set for a specific child!

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/12/2018 20:56

I hate all this 'not seeing a problem' bull. Why are you being asked to take on extra work? It's one of the incidious ways women are treated that leaves you stressed, ground down and overwhelmed with crap to do because others think it's your job when it's theirs.

Molakai · 13/12/2018 20:57

The OP has said the children would like some Lego
Why does she have to go further than she has.

Because what is the point of PILs buying random bits of Lego (which as pointed out isn't cheap), when OP could allocate a specific set that her dc actually wants Confused

IamSusan · 13/12/2018 20:58

projecting much Disfordarkchocolate?
You don't know anything about the OP's situation, for all you know her partner might not be allowed to just pop in the shops and buy the gifts for the kids because he hasn't done hours of careful "research" to select one specific item. It does sound awfully hard work, but it's hardly gender related.

katseyes7 · 13/12/2018 21:05

My (now grown up) stepsons live in London. l live in Yorkshire. When they were younger l always asked their dad what to get them, or gave him money to buy something he knew they wanted. l never saw the point of buying something just so they had a present to open on the day.

RomanyRoots · 13/12/2018 21:07

I don't know when you are doing your research why you don't pick out 3 of the best you find, then suggest they buy the other two things. Confused

Nannewnannew · 13/12/2018 21:08

Totally agree with molaki I always ask my dd what the gc would like as would hate to duplicate something they already have, therefore I think you are BU and ungrateful.

Tertiathethird · 13/12/2018 21:10

I totally get what you are saying. If you use your energies and imagination and empathy to work out what your children might really love then you also want to be that person who gives the pleasure. That’s natural and normal.

Okay, if it’s a list your children generate then anyone can give them it.

Why don’t you get the kids to come up with a list next year - then you can dole that out to interested relatives and keep the imaginative, thoughtful gifts to come from you.

Those who are saying you are childish probably don’t know what it means to think v carefully about presents.

And I agree it’s another kind of wife work!

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/12/2018 21:14

Goodness!! My mum sent me a cheque last week, asking me to buy something for myself and DD that we really wanted.

I was REALLY grateful! I don't have unlimited resources, so it is a big help to be able to buy something from the list of things DD would love that can come from Nanny. It also means that Nanny gets DD a really cool present that she wants (she probably wouldn't have a clue otherwise) which makes me happy too.

Not criticising you, OP. Just realising how diverse opinions and experiences are!

Dollymixture22 · 13/12/2018 21:14

Do they give you the money for the gift - or are they basically just sticking their name on in of your presents?

Unless they have some special needs this seems very lazy. If you are being given ideas it’s very easy to go on amazon and have some toys delivered then wrap them.

Botanica · 13/12/2018 21:18

"Those who are saying you are childish probably don’t know what it means to think v carefully about presents."

OP said herself it was childish.

And I think your assumption above is completely off the mark. The posters who think OP is BU most likely know a fair amount more about gratitude and perspective.

TheBigBangRocks · 13/12/2018 21:20

Isn't it the child's list not yours? Seems really petty to not tell them an item or two from it. Does it really matter what they buy?

Rather than being petty perhaps remind yourself that they have lovely living grandparents who want to buy them something they will enjoy.

todayandtomorrow · 13/12/2018 21:22

I think maybe some people have missed the point here? (Or maybe I have!)

There's a big difference between SIL/GPs asking OP what the children would like for Christmas, then going out and getting it themselves, and just not bothering and palming off a gift the OP has spent time selecting as being from them. That would really piss me off.

ladydickisathingapparently · 13/12/2018 21:22

Both my parents and my ILs ask me to buy and wrap all gifts from them to the DCs. I don’t mind (it does add to the amount of work I have to do, with three DCs, but it’s offset by my DCs getting what they really like).

My ILs are in their 80s and my parents in their 70s. I don’t want them trawling the shops and none of them are internet savvy. They are very generous.

I actually have to buy and wrap my own presents from them too Wink.

bellie710 · 13/12/2018 21:24

All our family do this, we ask each other what the kids would like so do both my parents and PIL. No one has any idea what toys the children already have as we live so far apart so why would you risk getting something they already have. My MIL buys loads for our kids, she asks them what they want then she will throw in lots of little presents like hair clips, pj's, clothes. I would say it is more thoughtful of them to ask what the kids want than to just buy any old tat for the sake of it!

GreenTulips · 13/12/2018 21:24

Mine always ask

I'm prepared and send them links

Santa also brings gifts

We buy the main gift

Others buy the £15-£20 gift

Santa brings cheap gifts of books etc

Evilspiritgin · 13/12/2018 21:26

I thought the mn answer to present giving is always ask what people want ie my husband buys me crap presents tell him what you want, 8yr old ungrateful boy ask his parents what he wants, my pil buy my child crap presents tell them what he needs

It’s not a big deal in the great scheme of things to be worried about

Snog · 13/12/2018 21:27

My friend is like this.
Personally I am v happy to buy on behalf of PIL or anyone really and also happy to provide them with a wish list.
Saves people buying presents that were not wanted.