In-laws and gifts

[ElfLeftOnShelf]

This is in AIBU but is actually more of a WWYD (or say).

My in-laws (PIL and SIL) always ask us to allocate them something to buy for DC from their Christmas list. They have not once ever gone into a shop and picked something out, even when told things like - they like lego or a book on a subject. What they want is for me to give them something to buy off my Christmas list for them.

My DC do not get loads of gifts. I just wrapped them all and they have 10 each. That is not 10 big things. It is one main, 3 or 4 smaller things (£15-20 each maybe) and then tiny things like a bar of chocolate, pens, new pencil sharpeners. I spend a lot of time on each of their bigger presents. I start looking in Sept and am very choosy in what I buy. I come on here a lot and ask questions, follow threads and research and read reviews, then scout around for the best price. In the past I have given them something off the list and then my DC are delighted to get it - off them

I have never had to ask any of my relatives to pick something off their list for me to buy. I am quite capable of asking a general question about what they are into, then selecting a gift. There isn't anything stopping them doing this themselves. In the past when they have asked me what to buy them I have tried to keep it to things like pyjamas, slippers or clothing but they say that is not a proper gift.

I am getting nervous that they are going to be here on Christmas Day and then pull me up on what my DC have opened. They have some really nice things to open which have clearly had a lot of thought put into them. I am pretty sure they are going to ask why I didn't allocate some of them to be given via GP's and SIL. Told them that they were saving up to buy a specific thing and to give them vouchers for the shop.

I know this sounds really trivial but it is annoying. AIBU and/ or what do I say if they put me on the spot.

Gottastopeatingchocolate

My DM does the same pay day in November she gives me my Christmas money for us and the boys I then spend it. We are very lucky it's a big amount so I normally buy a big toy clothes and books for balance. My parents happier they have stuff they want and need.
You say HP Lego great just Google and send the link thanks pil it's not hard OP.

There's a big difference between SIL/GPs asking OP what the children would like for Christmas, then going out and getting it themselves, and just not bothering and palming off a gift the OP has spent time selecting as being from them.

How could PILs turn up at Christmas and claim a present was from them???

The PILS do ask what the DCs want but OP doesn't want to give specific answers. From the OP : In the past when they have asked me what to buy them I have tried to keep it to things like pyjamas, slippers or clothing but they say that is not a proper gift.

It's a bit sad to try to prevent your children from receiving a gift they would really love just because of some weird jealousy towards your in-laws. Just as weird as claiming the "best" gift is from you and the tat is from Father Christmas. Jeez, let the kids enjoy the magic for awhile!

I wish my in-laws would so this, my DH has just told me what MIL has bought for our 3 month old DS, character dolls from a tv show he won't be interested in for a few years. I just can't take the waste of money. If she wanted to give presents, clothes, or vouchers for baby swimming would be so welcome!

I know it's not up to us what they give, I just hate the waste of money when the stuff will end up at the charity shop getting sold for barely anything!

Sweet Jesus people can't do right for doing wrong these days. I enjoy a good in law bashing thread but I think you're taking it a bit far OP

IamSusan Molakai in one post she says she suggest Harry Potter Lego, as they want some and don’t have any at all as yet. It doesn’t get much easier than that, as there’s a decent amount of it ranging from reasonably priced to ridiculously expensive (and pretty!).

Again, why specify any further?

“They’re been eying up the HP Lego. We’ve swerved it so far as we’ve gone another route, so feel free to choose one you like the look of, they’ll be chuffed regardless.”

Dead easy.

YABVU
Just when you think you've heard it all, on MN, someone finds a new thing to be upset about.

In my world, I'd MUCH rather my dc had the actual thing they want (by sharing lists) than a 'nearly but not quite' from a relative who might not have so much time on their hands be quite so 'in to' shopping as you are, who tries, but gets it a bit 'not quite right'.
Equally, I'd FAR rather know that the recipient of my gift giving gets something they actually want than something I've had to 'guess' at.

OP seems to vary / revised her story as the thread progressed. She seemed very clear at the start of the thread:

They call up (speak to me or DH Snow) and say - what are you getting DC for Christmas? They then say, we will get that. I stopped telling them what we were buying and started telling them to get PJs or clothes.

So over a number of years OP tells PILs what she and DH were buying, but didn't offer a sensible suggestion for the PILs to buy .

Why would she do that? Why would you not say to PIL "Oh we're getting that, how about you get ......?"

She quietly seethes for a few years and then suggests PJs and slippers? This year she has suggested tokens. All the OPs own words. She just wants to moan about PILS - all this could have been resolved years ago.

At least you don’t get told to buy something and they’ll reimburse you because it’s easier.

Or buy stuff they already have and know they have it.

I would just buy the specially selected stuff from me and quickly pick out a lego set or book that looks vaguely good for the in laws to give them.

I have always done this, especially as the DC got older and it was always the best for me. It saved us money, my 4 DC got what they wanted or needed, they didn't get useless tat that they didn't want. If I was ordering 3 things from Amazon, it was just as easy to order 4 and ask PIL for money. I had more idea than PIL on what the DC wanted and my MIL especially would get quite stressed about gift buying. She's a wonderful Nana and I was happy to help her with this.

I think your in-laws are actually rather manipulative and cheeky fuckers and i don't think yabu at all.

Sounds childish but I don't want to hand over my ideas
Not childish at all - you're simply refusing to pander to their laziness and not allowing them to take credit for all the effort YOU put in to give your kids something meaningful.
It doesn't take heaps of energy thinking of a present to buy kids so if they can't even be arsed to put in any effort then why should they get the credit?

I have tried to keep it to things like pyjamas, slippers or clothing but they say that is not a proper gift
Well then they can stop being so entitled and lazy and go to the shops and BUY 'a proper gift'!

I know that they are going to look at some of these presents and say to me that I could have told them to buy them and kept the boring PJ's for me to purchase instead. What do I say to this?
You say "Nobody tells me what i can and can't buy for my own children. If my suggestions are not good enough for you then feel free to put some effort in yourselves and think of something to buy them or give them gift vouchers"

I wouldn't keep on pussyfooting around them like you are, personally i'd rather be blunt and just tell them straight that their performance-generosity is not sincere and not welcome.
If they really must be seen to be 'generous' and 'lovely' to keep up appearances - then a gift voucher will do if they can't spare a few minutes to decide on a gift.
Do they even know your dc?

Why the hell should you be relegated to the 'boring' gifts?
After everything you do for your dc, as the parent you deserve to see the joy it brings your kids to open a gift they really wanted.
In laws should not be allowed to manipulate your kids into thinking YOU could only be bothered/cared enough to get them 'boring' gifts.

Why should the in-laws lack of effort and interest in your dc be glossed over?
It's obvious they just can't be arsed to spend any time or effort choosing your kids a gift - even when you've done the thinking for them and told them what to buy.

It's amazing how some people have managed to transform a time of good-will and spoiling the kids into a full-blown war with your in-laws about presents

Some posters really need to chill and have some wine or something. I am sure you can both buy non-boring gifts, and maybe some posters need to put their very weird issues behind and remember that ultimately people are trying to make the children happy, not be the one with the coolest gifts.

I do an amazon wish list for DS. I buy him other things that aren't on it.
I also told mil that he needs a specific thing that's in her budget and when she agreed, gave her the link.
DM was told he loves paw patrol but has nothing. She'll cope with that.

I think some GPs lack confidence in what to buy and find it stressful as they don't know every single toy the DC have. My MIL is in that boat, she'd make an attempt but we generally visit them at their house.

DM sent a pic of something she'd ordered without checking and I had to say no because he already has it. Hence the law patrol suggestion.

I don't see anything wrong in giving ideas of things they will like. Otherwise you're in danger of useless plastic tat or playdoh

Keep the special toys to be from you.
Think of others to be from other givers.
If they ask, "because I wanted it to be from me!"

This reminds me of a colleague who stopped telling her family what she was planning to buy her daughter's for their birthdays or Christmas because they kept stealing the ideas out from under her (even the big gifts) leaving her out of ideas.

Very freaking rude thing for people to do.

So their dgp's want to buy them a present and you are annoyed that they are asking you so that they can actually get something they like? They are parting with money to spend on your dc and want to make sure it's something that they will be happy with as obviously as their dm you and their df know them better than anyone else? YABU

Honestly, it's a complaint if the dgp buy something that you're not happy with and a complaint if they suggest you buy something that they might be happy with... Poor in-laws can't win on mumsnet... Especially the PIL's...

@Chloe84

"I don't think kids give a shit who the giver of the cool present is."

That's not true. At 38 I still remember that my favourite Uncle's gave me a stuffed raccoon and a Mr Potato head car for Christmas while my Grandfather gave me a jumper and top in the wrong size in a colour I loathed. Even at a young age it was clear which of them actually knew me and put thought into my gifts.

It's my dearest wish to be away on holiday for the whole of Christmas, for this very reason

I get where you’re coming from OP. I find it harder and harder every year to think of things to buy my DSs. So I get a bit fed up when I also have to think of things for other people to buy too!! This year I’ve told both sets of parents to just give them the money. One set is happy to do so but the other moaned saying they don’t like to give money as I gift. I’ve told them they’ll have to think of something to buy then because I’m out of ideas!!

At one point I had to do this for both sets of parents, but individually as they were divorced, so as well as my own gifts I had to home up with four other 'main' gifts, they also had to be over a certain price.

So what happens when you tell them that the kids would like Meccano, Harry Potter lego, Greek mythology books etc? Because it sounds like you do have ideas of what they would like that you are happy to share with them, so how do they justify refusing to buy those?

I ask my grandchildren to make sure that I get a copy of their Father Christmas lists quite early as there are also November and January birthdays to deal with, I then let the parents know what I'm getting.

It’s just extra wifework, isn’t it. Having to think up more ideas of what the children want, and go on amazon and find them and put them in a list, because relatives can’t be bothered to spend a little time on it themselves.

I remember a conversation with my Mum about what dd wanted. It went like this:
Me: she likes dolls, or dolls clothes or accessories. She doesn’t have much, head for the pink aisles in the toy shop and pick something...
Mum: oh but I don’t know what she’s got
Me: ok, you’re visiting at the weekend, why don’t you ask dd to show you her dolls, and ask her what other things she might like?
Mum: oh I don’t know ... why can’t you give me a list
Me: ok, a dolls bath, or a new doll, or barbies, or ...
Mum: yes but which ones?

Aagh. And I wasn’t allowed to give one specific thing either, it had to be “a list” for her to choose from (a list of specific things from specific shops with the price), and she wouldn’t say what she’d got so I couldn’t even give the same list to MIL. Aagh. And it breaks my heart that she never bothered to play with dd, or chat with her - gift shopping would have been so easy if she’d attempted to get to know her gc.

You end up feeling like you’re doing everyone else’s shopping for them - because clicking on the item in Amazon is no effort at all, is it?