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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family

78 replies

AmeliaB2018 · 13/12/2018 16:29

Hi All.

My daughter is 5 months old tomorrow and barely any body bothers with her, Christmas is coming and no one has asked how she is (they’re aware she’s been poorly) or says let’s come and see her. Her “auntie” hasn’t seen her since she was 4 days old, she only ever speaks to us when she wants money. I won’t take her to family members homes due to uncleanliness. Would I be unreasonable in saying no to anyone who wants to see her from now on? Thank you x

OP posts:
booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:47

@ThatssomebadhatHarry thank you so much! It's just frustrating because I don't think I put my view across very clear either. They weren't the best to me when I was pregnant no, they made it quite horrible but I want to give them chances..I just wanna know when to draw a line under putting our plans on hold. Your post has made me smile, thank you :)

greendale17 · 13/12/2018 19:53

Gosh sometimes mumsnetters can be real twats.

^I completely agree. I don’t know any family who would care about a family baby

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:56

@greendale17 thank you. I can understand some comments because I wasn't very clear but it's my first time using mumsnet so I'm no good.

EmUntitled · 13/12/2018 20:06

I dont think your 5 month old will be upset or confused about family members not visiting regularly. My daughter is 21 months old, some of our family live far away so we only see them every 3/4 months or so. DD takes a bit to warm up to them each time but it doesn't upset her.

I think you would be unreasonable to say no when they want to see her. Have you invited them over or are you waiting for them to ask? Some people don't like to invite themselves over for fear of seeming pushy.

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 20:08

@EmUntitled I thinks it's coincidence more than anything, she doesn't normally cry I've been gifted with quite the happy chubby baby aha it's only when they do visit she's quite emotional. Just makes me feel helpless.

Yes we do the inviting. They don't ask, which I don't mind, I'd just like some sort of life which doesn't revolve waiting around for them to say yeah when we do ask.

snuggledonthesofa · 13/12/2018 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 20:18

@snuggledonthesofa no we haven't told them this. Whilst i was pregnant with little missy they exclusively told my partners cousin they're aware and they were making efforts to change the house. As I've stated my partner suffers really bad with eczema and every time we went whilst pregnant he'd have a bad flare up :/ I also get quite chesty due to dust.

Pernickity1 · 13/12/2018 20:20

I’m confused as to why there’s two different names? Why change your username if you only joined today?

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 20:22

@Pernickity1 I didn't realise my username had come up as my daughters first name, hence the change of username. It was my mistake.

Pernickity1 · 13/12/2018 20:22

Apologies OP I guess your original username was too identifying.

greendale17 · 13/12/2018 20:24

Meant to say I don’t know any family which wouldn’t care about a family baby.

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 20:25

@Pernickity1 I sense the sarcasm. I'm very uncomfortable with things like that, I didn't know I'd put that as my username. I've never used this site. My apologises for making a genuine mistake.

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 20:26

@greendale17 I just feel bad for her and them. I feel like they're massively missing out and it's a shame :/

IAmMumWho · 13/12/2018 20:39

@AmeliaB2018

Hi I'm sorry your feeling this way. But may I ask? Is it you that's missing the company of others? I'm only asking because last year I adopted siblings and my friends and family hardly visited me or the children and I felt lost. Sadly I don't drive but was willing to go to their houses either walking to public transportation. I'd make plans to go say my mums but then at the last minute she'd cancel me saying she'd forgot she had an appointment and could I make it another day etc. This became more and more so eventually I thought, if they won't make the effort neither will I.

In my whole 12 months leave from work I saw 2 friends and a family member. I have lost friends also. Ones I have known many years.

Babies as someone said are boring at that age, they eat, poop and sleep.

Mine were 3yrs old!

Don't cut off your friends or family! You need them xx

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 20:42

@IAmMumWho

Hi,

I'm not really sociable, I don't really talk to many people as it is but I remain in contact with the friends I do have (all of which work)

It's just frustrating I suppose but thank you for that! I know that people say when you have a baby everyone leaves, my friends have remained the best of friends and make time when they can :)

Thank you for your comment xxx

babasaclover · 13/12/2018 20:43

Babies that age are far too young to be upset by seeing someone infrequently. I think you are been unreasonable. If my family or friends phoned me every weekend to see if I was coming to see their baby I'd block their number 🤣. Sounds like you are harassing them.

Also you seem to have told them their house is dirty, how would you like that comment made to you? No wonder they don't want to see you. Why don't you instead ask them out to lunch at a restaurant instead of hurting their feelings by calling them dirty?

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 20:46

@babasaclover if you read the whole post you'd understand why. Don't come here to be judgemental because I don't believe that's what mumsnet was made for. If you had read other comments you'd see the one where I state we NEVER told them their house was untidy. They exclusively told my partners cousin and were making an effort to change things.

babasaclover · 13/12/2018 20:50

Booboo. I was replying to the originally poster not you - she states that the family know her concerns about cleanliness - so she must have told them

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 20:51

@babasaclover I am the original poster. I changed my username as I didn't realise it had my child's first name in. A genuine mistake.

They are aware due to the fact my partner has really bad eczema and has a flare up every time we went there whilst I was pregnant. I also get quite chesty. We never mentioned directly nothing to them, they're just aware of how badly their sons skin is.

babasaclover · 13/12/2018 20:54

Ok booboo. So how about you ask them out for lunch like I suggested. A nice clean restaurant. They probably feel very heckled being called every weekend to see if you are coming over. Invite them out build bridges and then they may way to come to you sometime.

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 20:56

@babasaclover it's having the money spare with it being so close to Christmas, my partner has suggested similar but with so much to get (we moved into our own home) we simply can't afford to do it right now. As I've also said we phone them to make sure they're definitely not coming, it's hard to plan things when on a weekend if we phone them they might say yeah then we have to wait in :/

babasaclover · 13/12/2018 21:09

Start fresh in the new year. Make plans and leave it up to them to call you if they want to come round. If they haven't been since September I certainly wouldn't be putting every weekend on hold for them.

Or if you want to start now then suggest a walk along the beach or a local park. All free And could stop somewhere for a coffee?

CheshireChat · 13/12/2018 21:11

booboo201 you can request MNHQ to edit that.

Is your family normally more involved with babies?

Also, make firm plans- if they want to visit, you arrange a time together and you do whatever you want the rest of the weekend. If they mess you about, call them on it. The older your little one gets, the less flexibility you'll have to be at anyone else's disposal.

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 21:12

@babasaclover I think we'll leave it now for them to get in contact..I've had some brilliant comments on here and some really judgemental ones, I can understand it though. Thank you for the advise.

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 21:14

@CheshireChat I'll leave it now because I've explained in some other comments the issues :) thank you for that.

She's the first grandchild they have. It's harder for me cause she's my first so I don't really know how it all works