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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family

78 replies

AmeliaB2018 · 13/12/2018 16:29

Hi All.

My daughter is 5 months old tomorrow and barely any body bothers with her, Christmas is coming and no one has asked how she is (they’re aware she’s been poorly) or says let’s come and see her. Her “auntie” hasn’t seen her since she was 4 days old, she only ever speaks to us when she wants money. I won’t take her to family members homes due to uncleanliness. Would I be unreasonable in saying no to anyone who wants to see her from now on? Thank you x

OP posts:
PengAly · 13/12/2018 18:58

OP you are not making any sense. In your first post you complain nobody bothers with her and her auntie doesnt visit and now you are saying you dont care if they visit?? You need to make your mind up...

FWIW i think its insane that you keep checking with them EVERY weekend. Make plans and if they want ro visit tell them you already made plans and offer another date. Also I doubt a 5 month old is getting upset by this....

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:01

All I needed was some advise, I don't really have family to speak to you and I've only joined today. Now I know I'm being unreasonable I'll let it carry on :) I don't have an issue with the family as a family, i actually get on with them. Advise was genuinely all I needed.

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:03

@PengAly I'm not sure if it's just my mind going crazy but when they do visit all she does is cry and that's not like her, she's not really a crying baby (thank heavens) what I'm bothered most about is the lack of effort to the point we have check with them before we make plans in case they do turn round and say yeah we'll come down. I don't really know how to use mumsnet very well I only joined today :/ I've never been good with asking for advise either, I apologise if my posts strange. In my head it makes sense but reading it for all of you must sound selfish of me

PengAly · 13/12/2018 19:07

what I'm bothered most about is the lack of effort to the point we have check with them before we make plans in case they do turn round and say yeah we'll come down.

WHY do you have to check with them first?? If they want to visit they will let you know. You seem to me making an issue out of nothing

FascinatingCarrot · 13/12/2018 19:08

I see your point OP.
My twin sis didnt bother seeing my beautiful gd until she was 6 months old. We are usually very close and she spends a lot of time with my other dn (4yr)
I get they are 'boring' as tinies but its still hurtful that she cant be bothered to see her every so often.

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:10

@PengAly we check with them first because it saves the issues between my partner and his mom. I have said numerous times let just go about our business and if they wanna see her they'll ask

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:11

@FascinatingCarrot I'm sorry that happened to you. It's not fair I understand that, my post isn't to sound horrible to anyone. It's general frustration.

PengAly · 13/12/2018 19:12

Honestly just go about your business. I couldnt imagine not making weekend plans incase someone wants to visit- you never get to live your life! But ywbu to ban them from seeing her, thats ridiculous

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:14

@PengAly you seem to be the most honest so I'll take your advise. I've only come to this because I've got people telling me yeah doit and others telling me no, it's frustrating. Thank you for your advise though.

PengAly · 13/12/2018 19:19

No problem, hope it works out! Remember family is a 2 way thing. I struggle with my own difficult mother because she doesnt understand this

RedPanda2 · 13/12/2018 19:19

I don't think I would make an effort to see a baby that cries all the time tbh. I'm an auntie but I'm also busy and find babies a tad dull. I think you're expecting too much

Twickerhun · 13/12/2018 19:21

I also have a 5 month old and honestly this won’t be an issue for her. Crack on with your life, check in with family from time to time but don’t let this be an issue. Join a few baby groups or whatever where everyone else gets how all consuming babies are

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:22

@PengAly I genuinely think that's my issue. I don't get on with my mom whatsoever so I don't really have anyone to look up to when it comes to doing right, I just don't want her having the life I did. Thank you for this though :)

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:24

@Twickerhun thank you for that! I have tried that, my local play group isn't for my daughters age range. It's more toddlers, I don't really know of many others in my area and google doesn't help..

BunsOfAnarchy · 13/12/2018 19:29

I understand how you feel OP. My ILs are like this.

BUT i would never stop them or ban them from coming to see her. They barely do thoughm but stopping them would be really cruel.

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:29

@RedPanda2 she isn't normally a baby who cries, only when she's teething as expected..I think it's my mind doing overtime as that's the only time she does cry is when they visit :/ it sounds selfish I know, I feel bad but I had to make sure I weren't doing the wrong thing :)

Lookatyourwatchnow · 13/12/2018 19:31

I don't understand why, if you haven't seen them for 3 months, you have to wait in every weekend to see what they are doing??

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:31

@BunsOfAnarchy thank you. It's so frustrating because I don't have advise from someone I need it most from (my mom).

I should of specified in my op it wouldn't be a permanent thing, I want to be able to do things without relying on whether or not they're coming to see her :/ I just don't want my LG to have a similar upbringing to what I had

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:32

@Lookatyourwatchnow it's because my partner and his mother have a history of arguments when things aren't going right so it's easier I guess

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:33

@Lookatyourwatchnow it's also to make sure we're available if they do say yeah.

Tinkety · 13/12/2018 19:37

Then the problem is your partner OP, he needs to put healthy boundaries in place with his family.

How often does your partner go & visit his nieces & nephews?

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:38

@Tinkety I never had that thought in my mind. I never thought of boundaries either :/ he doesn't have any nieces or nephews.

SB1013 · 13/12/2018 19:42

I don't understand? If they last saw her in September how do you know she would still be upset by them? Are you saying she was distressed with seeing them at 2 months and you think she still will be?
I understand you feel hurt by the lack of attention they are giving your baby but id say just carry on with your life without making the effort towards them. They will come to you if they want to. Make your own plans at the weekends, see friends etc

booboo201 · 13/12/2018 19:44

@SB1013 she was closer to three months old at the time they last saw her..after reading some of these comments I'm going to put it to my partner that we just carry on as normal and let them know we're here when they do want to visit.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 13/12/2018 19:44

Gosh sometimes mumsnetters can be real twats. Op had a baby a few months ago and is probably still full of hormones and knackered.
For the record op my family can’t get enough of my ds and I am the same with new babies in my family. Plus pretty much everyone I know is the same kids in their family. This is normal!
Your Family are acting like they coundnt give a fuck and I bet they treat you like this too?! But you have got used to it. It just stings like a bitch when they do it to your baby.
Surround yourself with people who deserve your time op. Everyone else can off to fuck.
Congratulations on your baby by the way.