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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what are the new rules for thank-you notes

58 replies

PeckhamPauline · 13/12/2018 14:54

I admit I may be out of touch, but... it was a friend's child birthday two weeks ago. The child is 11. Is it too much to expect some kind of thank-you note, or even an email from the parent saying "Little Johnny liked the gift you sent"?

This seems to happen a lot, with friends as well as their children. I know on this particular occasion that the gift was definitely received as I used a signed-for service!

Perhaps I should just stop sending gifts? Or perhaps thank-yous aren't the done thing any more?

OP posts:
masterandmargarita · 13/12/2018 14:55

Don't they say Thank you when receiving the gift. Doesn't that suffice?

Original poster
PeckhamPauline · 13/12/2018 14:57

Well I normally post the gifts, so sometimes I get a "we got your parcel" message before the event (birthday usually). Does that suffice as a thank-you?

OP posts:
loubluee · 13/12/2018 14:57

My kids say thank you when they receive it to the person. I’ve never had a thank you note for any gift I have ever given.

redsummershoes · 13/12/2018 14:57

did you talk to the birthday child in person? did they thank you?
then that's it. no need to send a card if thanked in person.

redsummershoes · 13/12/2018 14:58

if you didn't call on the birthday that's quite rude, no?

Original poster
PeckhamPauline · 13/12/2018 15:00

I didn't telephone on the actual date—I knew they were busy with parties etc. Was that rude of me? I sent a card and gift in the post. Actually I don't think I have ever spoken to the child on the telephone in his lifetime!

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 13/12/2018 15:00

Standard etiquette is a month for thank you notes.

It’s a busy time of the year for parents and children, they may not have had much of a chance to get them done.

It’s nice to get a thank you and my own children always write them but I hate it when people whine about not receiving them instantly.

It’s rude to chase a thank you in my opinion.

BettyBitchface · 13/12/2018 15:01

Never sent a thank you note in my life and neither has anyone I know. I'm most definitely middle aged. Maybe it's a class thing or I am just uncouth.

Original poster
PeckhamPauline · 13/12/2018 15:01

Just to clarify--
I sent card and gift in the post.
I knew it was received because it was signed for by my friend.
No acknowledgement other than that.

OP posts:
Hillarious · 13/12/2018 15:02

This is all with regard to gifts that have been posted. When the kids are young, I would expect some kind of acknowledgement of receipt of the gift from the parents. When the kids are older, I expect to receive a written note from them in the following two to three weeks.

If anyone is phoning on the actual birthday, it would be me to pass on birthday wishes. If I got a verbal thank you then, that would be enough.

You just want to know your gift has been received, and would quite like to know if it's been appreciated.

MiddlingMum · 13/12/2018 15:02

I don't think there are "new" rules. A child receives a present. They can either say thank you to the giver in person if they are there, or they sit and write a letter. That certainly happens in our family, with an unspoken rule that letters need to arrive no later than 2 weeks after the occasion.

To not say thank you is rude and parents should not be encouraging bad or entitled behaviour.

Original poster
PeckhamPauline · 13/12/2018 15:02

Standard etiquette is a month for thank you notes.

Thanks. I shall be patient. I'd be happy with an email, to be honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeckhamPauline · 13/12/2018 15:04

You just want to know your gift has been received, and would quite like to know if it's been appreciated.

That's the crux of it, really. If it's not appreciated then surely I shouldn't bother doing it in future.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 13/12/2018 15:11

Why not message and ask if they received the gift ok and that might spur them into saying something. It's not on to not acknowledge a gift being received especially if it has been posted to them and not given in person. Do they still give to your kids? Maybe it's something that needs to fizzle out now

dementedpixie · 13/12/2018 15:13

P.s. I wouldn't expect a thank you letter but a call, text or email should have been sent to say it had arrived and to say thanks

masterandmargarita · 13/12/2018 15:15

It's not something I really keep tabs on.

PatchworkElmer · 13/12/2018 15:15

It is so rude to not even text to say thank you!!

I always write thank you notes for DS (who is 2). We have elderly relatives in particular who appreciate this.

Most of my friends don’t even text to say thank you for the gifts we give their children. I find it annoying to be honest.

Original poster
PeckhamPauline · 13/12/2018 15:20

Why not message and ask if they received the gift ok and that might spur them into saying something.

It probably would, but I'd like to avoid doing that as it seems wrong somehow.

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 13/12/2018 15:22

If it's not appreciated then surely I shouldn't bother doing it in future.

Really, you only give gifts to children for the thank yous?

That’s a bit mean spirited don’t you think?

masterandmargarita · 13/12/2018 15:22

I think that woukd be a little pushy

BumDisease · 13/12/2018 15:23

I don't think I've ever heard anyone falk about thank you notes outside of MN where they seem to be an obsession.

Original poster
PeckhamPauline · 13/12/2018 15:28

Really, you only give gifts to children for the thank yous?

Not at all, but without any kind of acknowledgement it makes me think they didn't like it or even notice it.

BumDisease It doesn't have to be a note—even a quick Facebook message would do. They had time to post umpteen pictures of the party.

OP posts:
HugoBearsMummy · 13/12/2018 15:29

Would never expect a thank you note or card from anyone for any type of present but a quick text/email/phone call to say thank you is polite... I've been cheesed off lots of times when people don't say thank you, such poor manners.

dementedpixie · 13/12/2018 15:40

I don't care about being pushy and often message the in laws (mostly) as they never seem to let us know if presents/cards have reached them

FairyLightFiend · 13/12/2018 15:47

I think it’s unbelievably rude to not even acknowledge when a gift has been sent to you. It always feels like arrogance and entitlement to me. It’s nothing to do with age or class - it’s simple politeness and appreciation that someone has made an effort to make you happy.

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