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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask what are the new rules for thank-you notes

58 replies

PeckhamPauline · 13/12/2018 14:54

I admit I may be out of touch, but... it was a friend's child birthday two weeks ago. The child is 11. Is it too much to expect some kind of thank-you note, or even an email from the parent saying "Little Johnny liked the gift you sent"?

This seems to happen a lot, with friends as well as their children. I know on this particular occasion that the gift was definitely received as I used a signed-for service!

Perhaps I should just stop sending gifts? Or perhaps thank-yous aren't the done thing any more?

OP posts:

beingmumanddad · 13/12/2018 15:52

I wasn't thanked recently for something and asked if they'd received the gift

They had but in the post the note saying who it was from had got lost

They thanked me and were delighted to find out who it was from

Phoned back two days later to say they'd found the note under their doormat!

I guess they dropped it when they opened it!

Piffle11 · 13/12/2018 15:53

Of course you don't need to ring on the actual date - I've never heard that before! I am nearing 50 and my DM always insisted on thank you notes, did most of my friends' DMs. As part of our Christmas presents DM would buy us nice notelets or writing paper, and the thank yous were written before we went back to school in January. A lot of people on here (judging by past threads) think YABU to expect one, but I don't. I have always sent notes or texts - depending on the giver - thanking them (DS2 now writing his own, DS1 severe ASD so I still do them). I think it's bad manners not to acknowledge that someone has made an effort to buy and send a gift. I would wait a little longer, though, as 2 weeks isn't that long.

MrsDrudge · 13/12/2018 15:57

IMO any kind of appreciation for the card and gift is fine- in person, phone ,text, email, card, phone. Not thanking the giver at all is very rude but I guess this differs for everyone.

eddiemairswife · 13/12/2018 15:57

Well said FairyLight. I'm appalled that some people seem to think it's unnecessary to say Thankyou, whether by letter, text or phone. Of course people don't give gifts in order to receive a thankyou letter as some people imply.

goingonabearhunt1 · 13/12/2018 16:07

It seems to be considered acceptable now not to thank people for gifts (judging by what I read on here) but I was always taught to send a thank-you note or else phone/text as appropriate on receiving a gift if you don't see them to thank them in person. It's not hard to send a quick text or note is it?

goingonabearhunt1 · 13/12/2018 16:09

Actually I think thank-you notes or texts is getting off easy; I was always forced to ring up all my weird relatives and have awkward conversations with them for ages as well as thanking them as a child

NonaGrey · 13/12/2018 16:12

Of course people don't give gifts in order to receive a thankyou letter as some people imply.

The OP said she would stop sending the child gifts because she didn’t receive a thank you.

My child have been brought up to send thank you notes. But I hate people who chase for them. My MIL starts chasing (allegedly on behalf of other relatives) after about 3 days, it’s deeply annoying.

It’s rude.

Hillarious · 13/12/2018 16:24

People who don't expect to receive some kind of thanks - be it a text, message via social media or an old fashioned note - are most likely the ones who don't send them anyway.

It's not that you expect/demand them, more that you expect it out of politeness from people.

Ragwort · 13/12/2018 16:31

I always insist my son (now 17) writes proper thank you notes, can be emails for people I know use email. He receives presents for birthdays and Christmas from quite a few people we don’t actually see to ‘hand over’ the gifts. But it does seem to be a bit old fashioned as we don’t get thank you’s, or even acknowledgements, from some family that we send to. It does annoy me slightly but there’s not much I can do about it and would be petty to stop sending the gifts (usually cheques and so I know they have been cashed ).

OnceInABlueMoon9 · 13/12/2018 16:33

I was always made to sent thank you notes as a child. I didn’t particularly enjoy it tbh but it was something that had to be done.

I have followed this with my own dc. They send thank you notes within a week or 2 of receiving presents. However, most people that we are sending them to (most friends and any family on dh side) don’t really appreciate them at all. I don’t think they see the point. So from this year the dc will do a verbal thank you with those people or I’ll send a quick text or fb message and then thank you letters for the 2 friends and my family who like them!

I get annoyed when I don’t even get a text when I buy things for friends kids. One will even open them with me there and not say thank you. They are going to grow up to be entitled I feel.

I’d say 9 times out of 10 I get a text or fb message so that seems to be the etiquette.

ShadyLady53 · 13/12/2018 16:35

I send thank you notes. I’m the only person who does that I know of though 😂.

Common practice now is to text or send a message via FB or WhatsApp etc just saying “Thanks for Fred’s birthday present. It was good of you/he loved it etc”.

I’m finding it becoming increasingly common that some people don’t say thank you at all. Not even in person. Eg A good family friend was handed a birthday present by an elderly relative and just went “oh” and took it off her. It was a generous and lovely gift but she was never thanked and never has been by this individual. It’s downright weird. Same with presents for her kids. She just takes them, stares blankly and doesn’t say a word. Apart from that, her and her family are some of the nicest people we know and they invite us to all their celebrations which are only usually for immediate family.

I think it’s exceptionally rude not to thank people for gifts. I have considered not giving to my siblings teenage children who, not only never say thank you, but often complain that gifts of £100 a time are not enough!

pancaketosser · 13/12/2018 16:48

I assume anyone I send a gift to will be thankful to receive it. I don't need thank you cards that were only written out of a sense of obligation because it's 'the done thing'. It doesn't prove that someone is thankful IMO.

But then I find the 'rules' around manners and politeness baffling at the best of times.

snuggledonthesofa · 13/12/2018 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScreamingValenta · 13/12/2018 16:54

I agree with FairyLightFiend.

Dairyqueen2 · 13/12/2018 16:54

This always divides MN! I'd be teed off not to receive a text and I make my DC acknowledge gifts. Can't imagine mot doing so. I'd forget the 'month rule' - never heard that and I wouldn't hold out much hope. I would passively aggressively ask if it had arrived ok.

burnoutbabe · 13/12/2018 17:00

Ism still waiting for sone wedding gift thank you's! Very rude!
My sister does a video of nephew with gift and gets him to say thank you and sends via Facebook. That's sufficient, you just want some acknowledgement that gift was received and they like it/know it was from you.

RangeRider · 13/12/2018 17:15

Standard etiquette is a month for thank you notes
A month?! Well that might be 'standard' etiquette but to me it's downright rude and you'd get nothing in future. Within a week if you're writing a letter / card, a couple of days for an email, same day if you can only be bothered to text. And it doesn't matter if you've said thank you at the time.

Original poster

PeckhamPauline · 13/12/2018 17:16

The OP said she would stop sending the child gifts because she didn’t receive a thank you.

That's not the same as saying the 'thank you' is the reason I send the gift, though.
I send it in the anticipation that the recipient will enjoy it.
But if it isn't acknowleged, I take that to mean the recipient did not enjoy it.

(Isn't it just a natural response that if someone does something nice for you and you enjoy it, that you give them some kind of feedback to indicate that? Perhaps not.)

OP posts:

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 13/12/2018 17:25

I've never been made to send or give thank you notes. Tbh now when I get a gift in the post I text or email to say thank you. I think it's the polite thing to do and I will probably expect my children to send them but most people think it's old fashioned and rarely send them anymore.

NonaGrey · 13/12/2018 17:25

(Isn't it just a natural response that if someone does something nice for you and you enjoy it, that you give them some kind of feedback to indicate that? Perhaps not.)

I agree, and we do in our family.

But I’ll continue to send my nephews presents every year because it’s the right thing to do, even though they have never been either acknowledged or thanked.

I’ll continue to sent a gift to DH’s elderly relatives even though they never say thank you.

UtterlyDesperate · 13/12/2018 17:33

Saying "thank you" is a very, very basic courtesy - and when you post a gift, it's really the reassurance that it's got there, which isn't always given. I don't think op is at all unreasonable here - she's not saying that she wants an illuminated manuscript, just a basic acknowledgement.

I judge people who don't use "please" and "thank you", and I'm not afraid to admit it

Ragwort · 13/12/2018 18:00

pancake but do you genuinely not care if the present is even received or not? I now only send cash or cheques* in the post to neices/nephews and godchildren and assume it is just 'good manners' to at the very least acknowledge the gift and send a quick thank you - whether by post/email or text- doesn't really matter. i don't do FB but if I did I assume it would be OK to get a 'thank you' via FB.

I probably am very old fashioned because perhaps most people would now send a monetary gift via bank transfer and not use a cheque .

YoThePussy · 13/12/2018 18:21

I don’t give presents for the thank yous but as they are often posted it is just wanting to know it got there.

Currently waiting to hear if a sparkly unicorn necklace and hair slides were ever received by a 7 year old. Maybe I got it wrong and it was deemed yesterday’s craze by the child who is inconsolable with rage. Parents trying to pacify her still!

YoThePussy · 13/12/2018 18:25

Interested to see if I now get a thank you, will know the Mum is a Mumsnetter.

Gatehouse77 · 13/12/2018 19:11

There aren't 'rules' as such because people have different experiences/expectations.

Mine all wrote thank you cards to all friends and family for birthdays and Christmas when they were young. As they got older it changed to writing to those people they hadn't seen, grandparents, party people and my sister because she insists and she does an awful lot for them so they do. Some people get a text/email.

Now they're older teens it's whittled down to extended family that we don't see on or around the day.

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