Made a mess of my life & don't know how to turn it around

[lostandconfusedd]

I don't know how it's just dawned on me that my life is a mess and I've pretty much failed at everything. I am almost 25, 3 children and not a penny to my name.
I've tried to recently get back into work but it's looking almost impossible (can't afford childcare, very little jobs will work around nursery hours, my cv is a bunch of lies). So I thought I'd explore the option of going to college. But the nearest college is 4hrs away, which isn't doable with children. There's also a shit load of qualifications needed and I have none (I didn't do exams at school ) I'm crying my eyes out. I've never felt so worthless. 24, no job prospects, no goals in life, no house (would never afford a mortgage, I have a shit ton of bad credit) I've just come off antiDs and thought this would be the drive to go further but I just feel like I'm going backwards even more.
Can I have a polite kick up the ass please!

Please don't feel so overwhelmed. A lot can change.
My mother was in a very similar situation to you and it got worse before it got better but now it's so much better.

Think lovely house, choose a couple of rooms to renovate each year, goes on multiple luxurious holidays per year and mortgage all paid off... she's 46 and i'm 25 now and I made a conscious choice not to have children young because I saw how difficult for her it was but now she has a lovely life to enjoy, perhaps it was all worth it, who knows.

24 is young. You're doing amazing bringing up 3 children, that's one of the hardest jobs in the world.
Maybe speak to a bank about getting a bit of help with setting up a business... I think they're more interested in your business plans than your credit history, I dunno though... guess it depends how bad credit history is.

Give yourself a pat on the back, it's all gonna be fine!!!!

You’ve had three children! It’s already a massive achievement! I think this crisis point is exactly what you need to push you on. I think you’ve got it in you OP. Don’t lose heart!! X

I think that you have more options than you think. First, you have time - you're only 25. Second, you're only 25 and you've had all your kids. That's a big plus actually as you've got your whole life ahead of you. I think you should make a plan that gets you from where you are now up to when your youngest goes to full time school.

That plan should be focused on getting the basics sorted - make sure you're claiming everything you're entitled to, your home is furnished and comfortable, you can pay your bills and repay your debts. You'll need help with that. Your job for this period of time is to focus on these aspects, identify and build relationships with people who can help you (professional relationships, not social or romantic) and put all those reliable support systems in place.

Your job is also to focus on your health. That means a proper conversation with your GP about your mental and physical health, and may mean you're back on the ADs for now.

Once you have the basics securely in place, then your job is to investigate what opportunities for education or training are available to you, how they might be funded or supported. Aim to have your applications in or place awarded and childcare sorted if needed for a start date around the time youngest is going to school.

It's all doable if you take it one step at a time, don't put too much pressure on yourself and work to a clear plan. There'll be setbacks along the way, but the more secure your foundations, the less challenging those setbacks will seem.

The only way to eat an elephant is spoonful by spoonful.

no kicks up the bum here, just and a welcoming cuppa

dont be too hard on yourself op, you sound a loving mum and a good person and that counts for a lot in my book

Firstly, you are not a failure. You are trying to better things for yourself and your children and make positive changes. You are able to express yourself very well, so please don't feel you can't write.

You have been given some good advice about distance learning.

Contact StepChange and speak to them about your debt and making it more manageable.

Make a decision about what you want from your relationship. An on/off relationship is no good for feeling settled, happy and confident.

The other thing you could consider doing is taking an entry level job at a company (maybe even volunteering as others have suggested) and work your way up by proving yourself. Someone I knew did this at McDonalds and as far as I know is still working there.

Don't be hard or down on yourself, be proud that you've identified things you aren't happy with and are making efforts to change. You can do this, don't tell yourself, or let anyone else tell you that you can't.

Andtheresaw's advice is good, I would add make sure your iron levels are OK and it being winter in Scotland your Vitamin D level s are undoubtedly low, which can make you feel very down and lacking in Energy. Look after yourself, you are very young!

[http://www.open.ac.uk/scotland/]

Try here and do some of the free courses to get your mind back into studying. Some are only 50 minutes long etc.
Then get your maths and english which can be done while studying for an access course online.
Stop lying on your CV it gets you absolutely nowhere and makes you feel shit.

Small steps set one goal a year where studying is concerned. I went back to train as a nurse at 27. I was one of the youngest. Loads of parents with kids and some were single parents. It's all doable. I'd focus on getting the basics done first (maths, english, access course) until your youngest is in full-time nursery. Then look at Uni courses.

You can do it.

www.open.ac.uk/scotland/ sorry link thing didn't work

Whilst your baby is so tiny take the opportunity to work on your self esteem. You are worthy!
Baby steps. Go back to the doctor. Join a baby group (you might try a couple before you find your people). That’s a start.

I had 3 children, postnatal depression, a rubbish relationship. Qualifications but nothing exciting or usable and felt like you do now. It took me 12 years but I’m now a nurse. My children are happy and healthy and I’m beginning to believe in myself.
When the youngest was about 3 I did a few hours 2 nights a week in a shop, then I began an access course when she was at nursery 3 days a week. Then to uni when she started school. The boost it gave me was amazing and I could show my dc that it was never too late to change your life around.

Good luck op, you can do this!

Wow, you are exactly where I was 10 years ago. I had 3 ds’s the third arriving just before my 25th b/day. Money was fairly much none exsistant. Had only had one job as care assistant. Then while I was pregnant found out other half was having an affair so quickly became a single parent to 3. Couldn’t afford childcare to go back to work. I did wait til my youngest started nursery to start looking for work. But until then I looked at courses none really seemed doable due to location. I did go to a debt management company and they were amazing. I actually did Avon for a while for extra pennies and also would sell anything the kids had grown out of/ didn’t play with any longer, to put towards new toys , clothes , Xmas etc. Was absolutely desperate to show my older 2 that you have to make your own way through life by working earning your own money to support your self. As soon as my youngest started nursery I started looking for work, took over a year and I got desperate I applied for any sort of job that hours would fit. My first job to show my kids that you should work rather than a life on benefits......pot washing over lunch time at a local busy cafe. Though because I had looked at courses and explained about how far colleges were etc they actually offered to put me in for nvq qualifications. I eventually became a chef and kitchen manager. It all went completely wrong this year but it was worth it.
Take the time until youngest is in nursery to look at what you can do to prepare for looking for work, if childcare’s a problem could you do dsome5hing like cleaning and ask clients if it ok for them to sit in pram in hallway? Anything like that is something for your c.v qualifications would be great if you can do them but study time is quite low when you have 3 dc’s.
Take a deep breath and good look.

I would recommend open university im 23 with two under two I'm studying criminology and psychology
Hard work but at least you are achieving something x

Start small, get some maths book and school set texts out the library and work through them at your own pace. Getting qualifications isn't just checking the box, it's learning, and with a three month old you will probably find the course deadlines hard, and beat yourself up before giving up. Every maths concept you can get your head round will make it much easier next year to do the actual qualifications, you'll be taking control in baby steps. Some of the English books might also be more enjoyable, just read them for pleasure just now.

I think we all spend a certain amount of time on pause when we have kids, you have just had it earlier. I know professionals who have taken a years maternity and then a five year career break with their kids. Both of you could look back at your life and say "I spent 6/7 years looking after small children," you just did it earlier, it isn't any different in the long term.

3 months is so young, it's not the time for making big changes, look after yourself and don't be worried about asking for help.

There are lots of online colleges that allow you to do GCSE's (I'm not sure about the Scottish equivalent but I'm sure there will be similar colleges offering these). How old are your children and do you get the 15 hours free childcare in Scotland, that you could make use of to give you study time if you enrolled online?

Have you heard of prof sue black one? Do look her up - left school at 16, 3 kids at 25, lived in a refuge, back to education at 26.... you can do it love, maybe not now with a tiny baby but you sound ambitious and intelligent enough todo it in the future.
Stay strong xx

I'm doing an open university degree (year 3) and it's given me a kick up the ass. I am a sahm and full time carer so can't go out to work and found daytime TV awful. Now I spend my free time studying and feel hopeful for my future. Look into it, it could change your life

Take a moment to breathe. You have got this and we are all behind you to encourage and cheer you on. Right now, sort out your health, debts and relationship as posters have said above. Next, cuddle your baby! Your love and care of your kids is priceless. Finally, start thinking creatively about jobs you will enjoy once the youngest is eligible for nursery care. That gives you three years to work towards your goal. So, say you want to be a driving instructor. You already know you need lessons, a car and a plan in place for clients. It's also child friendly as you can teach around school hours or at weekends when the fathers have the kids. Other options - work online, cleaner, nursery nurse, childminder, beautician, etc. You have options available.

One more thing. You are going to experience resistence from friends and family with less aspiration as you try to better yourself (they will feel threatened). I recommend you have a strategy in place so it does not batter your self esteem. Our mindset is influenced by our group and I'd you want to grow out of this trap, you need supportive people to help you succeed.

Hi op I'm doing a online course it's acsess to higher education have you looked into that at all ? Another option would be to do the childminding course and childlike at home that way you wouldn't need your own child care. Not sure how it works in Scotland but in England you get the 30 free hours once your child is 3 would this apply to you ? I would try and write out a plan and remember it won't all be fixed over night so be realistic about it and also see your Gp

You have a lot of life left to live. Do youhave childrens centres or library's accessible to you? they usually offer support with training/volunteering and routes into work. Some counselling charities put you througha course for volunteering which can help as a route into work.

My partner does help loads, it's just the pressure gets too much for us some times. He isn't currently employed but does agency work so it's short notice as to whether he will be working that day or not. He has been a god send through the really bad days of PND.
I looked into a course but I'm not sure how it works with regards to childcare.

No there's no family that would take the children so even if I volunteer I'd be stuck for childcare

Firstly get a job, any job can build that cv, McDonald's or other big name have a lot of staff so can give you set hours (dd works for them, plenty of people do school hours only or just 8 hours a week).

Secondly look into education options - distance learning will be flexible but check with your job centre about funding for basic qualifications and support for childcare doing them, there's various schemes (I'm guessing you are pretty remote as in most places colleges are nearer).

Finally make a flexible life plan - once you get a handful of basic qualifications (maths, English especially) look into access courses for higher ed, you don't need traditional qualifications and again distance learning is an option. Things make take longer but you need to be able to look back in 5,10 years time and think "look at what I have achieved!" Best of luck.

Could you volunteer (or work, or sign up for a study course) in the times your partner doesn't work?

So if he works unpredictably during the week, find something at the weekend.

Or if he's always finished by 5, look for evening work?

Because of the agency work there is absolutely no telling when he won't be working. He has worked 7-3 the last couple of days, then gets a phone call at 5 and does 6-11.
Weekends are just as unpredictable, he gets a call at an hours notice if we are lucky.
This should calm down after January though so definitely would be an option for aftwrwards

My advice is get some counselling my love.

Work on your self esteem / worth because without it, everything else will probably fail. You are very young & have plenty of time to turn things around, trust me! You've made mistakes but honestly, everyone has. It's not life if you don't, it's how you learn & grow.

You've taken the first, very positive, step by posting...keep going forward one little step at a time.

I started 12hr per week in retail, took all the overtime and worked my way up to being an Assistant/Deputy Manager before I had enough experience to swap to an office job.