Made a mess of my life & don't know how to turn it around

[lostandconfusedd]

I don't know how it's just dawned on me that my life is a mess and I've pretty much failed at everything. I am almost 25, 3 children and not a penny to my name.
I've tried to recently get back into work but it's looking almost impossible (can't afford childcare, very little jobs will work around nursery hours, my cv is a bunch of lies). So I thought I'd explore the option of going to college. But the nearest college is 4hrs away, which isn't doable with children. There's also a shit load of qualifications needed and I have none (I didn't do exams at school ) I'm crying my eyes out. I've never felt so worthless. 24, no job prospects, no goals in life, no house (would never afford a mortgage, I have a shit ton of bad credit) I've just come off antiDs and thought this would be the drive to go further but I just feel like I'm going backwards even more.
Can I have a polite kick up the ass please!

25 is no age at all. In ten years your children will all be at secondary/grown up and you will have free time then.

I think you need to talk to your gp about a medication review. Just coming off medicine is never a good idea without gp guidance.

Look at the ou.

Does your school have an active pta? Getting involved is hard confidence wise but will pay dividends. Likewise getting involved with the hospital and local food banks/homeless charities.

No one is expecting you to walk in like little miss sunshine. Being shy is fine.

Well if things are so bad then they can't get much worse can they?! I think you need to find your sense of humour as being so down isn't good for you!

Let's look at the positives: you have 3dc, you and they all sound in good health. You have a roof over your heads.

People in warzones don't even have that!

Can you use the time you have to do cleaning or dogwalking or gardening or even care work? Any of these jobs can be flexible if you are freelance.

Even teaching English, or tutoring for up to a level you are comfortable with could help you.

You could also earn extra online if you scour charity finds and flog them.

Start small and try and access help by letting people/organisations your situation. Reach out as you are doing here.

A negative mindset is more damaging to you than anything so please start the day with a smile at yourself in the mirror, count your blessings and a new day is a fresh new start.

Good luck

Sorry, OP.

You probably don't want to hear this, but it sounds like you still need antidepressants.

OP your writing style does not suggest to me that you cannot spell. It suggests to me that you could indeed get some qualifications.

Your self esteem is low, understandably.

Set yourself a big goal and then look at the small steps you need to take to get there. You can do this OP. You need to believe in yourself

Hi OP. At your age I had just had my fourth child and in just over a year, I would be a single parent to them. I got married young.

I think you should consider going back on the antidepressants. You have just had a baby, your hormone levels will be all over the place. I am on antidepressants too and the doctor would have to prise them from my corpse! Like you, I stopped taking them and had a serious relapse. I come from a family of severe depression and anxiety, I think it's just in the genes.

When I was 28 I went to college and did a national 5 on digital media computing. I then applied for a retail type job and to my surprise, with no experience what so ever, I was offered a manager position. Since then I have a little business selling my handmade items as well as completing a course in understanding autism.

Your life most certainly is not over nor is it a mess. But you are going to have to get proactive which is impossible when you are feeling so low.

Hi OP, I had to start life over at 23. I'm 28 and happy now. I promise you it can be done but you need to look at your bigger picture and break it into steps to make it manageable.

Step one should be your mental health and ensuring you're ok off anti-Ds and in a positive place. You'll go no where but backwards otherwise!

Step two should be sorting your debt. Talk to whatever CAB equivalent is in Scotland to talk through support you can receive for financial planning and budgetting. If you engage with companies they will help you work out how to pay them off. You'll feel way more in control.

Step three: lies off your cv. They're holding you back and you know it. Identify jobs you'd like to do and work out what you need to be employable. Voluntary service is most likely to start. Again, a chat with somewhere like CAB would probably point you in the right direction of resources to help you prepare and plan and look at your options to work around family. Your youngest is v young atm so no rush there!

Step four: get confident in what you're doing. Look at your skills and strengths and think about what you'd like to do going forward. Then look into your next step.

Step five: qualifications. Once your dc are older you'll be better able to do this, I think. But before you do OU or a course that works for you, I agree that you need some basics. I'd look into passing your school exams first, perhaps once you're settled off your anti Ds and your youngest is less tiny. If you pass English, Maths, Science, perhaps IT and another course of your choice and interest, would that be a start?
If nothing else you'll get more used to studying and get better habits before you go on to something like OU.

CollyWombles that's such a lovely and helpful post.

Also- i had my first real job at 23. It's not too late at all for you!!

Thank you everyone, I'm making a note of everything.
I possibly do think coming off medication wasn't the best idea but deep down I really wanted to. The Drs is such today but will definitely make an appointment tomorrow or hopefully for Monday.
I definitely want to change things, 100%

Maybe you came off the tablets too soon. im a long time user of them and i know you have to be carefully weaned off them. friend of mine single parent was down to quarter tablet things getting on top of her so back up to half a tablet but as i told her no shame they are helping you.
you need to go to citizens advice or similar to sort out rent as you cannot afford to lose house. maybe the house is not as luxurious as you would like but that can come in time. for kids having a loving caring parent is more important than trimmings.
you dont say how old the children are sorry if i missed it but look in charity shops etc for toys i manage a charity shop and have had some lovely toys in to be honest you would not know they werent new either.
think about the open university access course it could be a good start. do some voluntary work it looks good on a cv and will give you confidence and get you out of the house for a while save you dwelling on what is wrong
finally sending you a big hug xx

me and DCs father are on and off

Well forget the debt - if you're concerned about what's best for your children nail that one down right now.

Does he live with you? Does he contribute financially to the children or care for them in any kind of regular, useful way? It's time to take a cold pragmatic look at him, totally irrespective of your feelings for him which I'm sure are complex, and decide what good he is doing your family if any.

FWIW in my opinion, you have children, you are caring for his very young baby - he's either all in or he's out. I know you are young, and in an ideal world you would still be dating and breaking up and getting back together again and exploring your sexuality and your emotional boundaries etc - but you have young kids, and anyone you are on-and-off with they are on and off with too.

So you need to tell him that either he commits, you move in together and he helps you practically and emotionally to raise your children and better yourself for their benefit (e.g. caring for them an equal amount so that you can go for driving lessons etc, contributing to bills etc), or you two are over, for good, and he can start paying maintenance for and have regular contact with the children that are his. Sort that shit out before you do anything else. The last thing kids need is to be exposed to an unstable parental relationship and a will-o-the-wisp now you see him, now you don't father figure.

Beyond that... you have to stop talking yourself down. You come across here as someone who is self aware, extremely articulate and good with words. You spell fine. Your grammar is fine. If you talk anything like the way you write, you'd come across well at interview (apart from all the self-deprecation!!!) When you're ready to, there will be opportunities for you - careers advice at the Job Centre would be a good place to start.

And try to be realistic rather than visionary about the work you want at first - yes university would be a great thing further down the line (say when all your kids are in school/sleeping through the night and you have time to study!) but maybe just get in the habit of working first and establish your patterns, preferences and work ethic. I would hazard that you will need to be in some sort of regular work for a while to develop that 'get up in the morning and go in whatever else is going on' instinct which people raised in working families will just get but if you were raised in an environment where work and/or school attendance were seen as unusual or optional you may not have yet (not your fault!). Just start small, find a job you know you can do without too much stress (something routine with limited pressure) and cobble away at it, learn o rhythm and routine of working life, bring some money in to your family, then start thinking about what you might want longer term.

However, before all this... enjoy being with your tiny baby! At 3 months old you wouldn't usually be thinking of going back to work yet if you were on mat leave. Try and get your debts under control (speak to the free advice lines available) but don't worry too much about improving the situation yet if it's not in crisis - let yourself recover from birth and devote lots of attention to your little ones. use any free time you have to engage with the right services that will support you back into work when the time is right, get help reframing your CV etc.

So much time ahead of you. As someone else says, you'll still have a whole life to live when your kids are all grown up. Don't feel like you've mucked it all up, you've barely begun, and you've already got a head start on most people because you already have three beautiful kids. Hang in there OP! xx

And yes, if you came off the anti-Ds without medical help that may well explain much of your low mood, especially post partum. Talk to your GP asap and consider that you may still need them to be the best version of yourself you can be for now xx

Care assistant work? Often homes or Agencies will train you up as they are so short staffed. You can always work your way up the ladder or branch off into nursing. Hours are quite flexible too.

I think see your GP about your depression as until this is helped everything else will be too much to tackle.
Go to stepchange to help you sort out the debt.
You have a 3month old so doing anything else at the moment is going to be difficult and apart from coming of the ads I'd also wonder about pnd.

Please talk to your GP. I completely understand not wanting to be on medication but it sounds like they were pretty necessary right now. Without them; you're going to have a huge upward battle just to feel alright.

you'll get there.

I was in the same situation a few years ago. Three young DC, I was slightly younger than you and I’d left school at 16 with no qualifications. I lived in a city though so had a close college where I went and obtained a few GCSE’s then did an access course, went to uni for four years and now teach GCSE and access courses myself!

Do you have a local job centre by any chance? I know it can be quite demoralising to enter one but they can be so much help with regards to your education options. If you can’t visit one in person, perhaps try calling them? I would also be calling open university and the closest college to find out if they have any long distance learning options.

Your baby is too young to be worrying about work right now, even people actually in work are mostly still on maternity leave at that stage. I know how easy it is to feel trapped but the important thing to remember is that it’s only too late when you’re dead. I had an access student last year who was 66 years old, I found that truly inspiring.

You are very eloquent and your spelling is very good.
You are still in the very early stages with a 3-month old.
You are being very very hard on yourself.
So here's the kick you asked for: stop grieving about what might have been and enjoy what is. Live each day revelling in what you have achieved. Go to the Gp and go back on the anti-Ds for now. Be kinder to yourself. Caring for a 3-month old is a full time job and enough for now, let alone another 2 DC and managing a home and your health. Make a list of everything (I mean everything including laundry and supervising toothbrushing and all the baby feeds and changes and shopping and cleaning etc) that you need to do each day. At the end of the day tick them off and acknowledge to yourself that you've done a great job. repeat every day and really focus on your successes. It will feel awkward at first but gradually it will help you to change your outlook a little.

Give it a year before you even consider major changes. take baby steps. Make time for yourself, perhaps with a hobby, anything which you can do in that period after the older Dc are in bed and you are between feeds with the youngest. Be kinder to yourself.

I hope you feel better soon. Life will get better once you feel stronger, as you so want it to. It will happen for you.

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My DS did National 5 Applications of Maths at Dundee College, distance learning last year. I know that you can do various distance learning courses at local learning centres in small towns through Perth College. National 5 Maths is challenging if you haven't done Maths for a while but you could get a national 4 maths book and try that first, there are loads of good online resources for learning maths too. It would help to know what region you are in. Have you thought of Homestart, they could help you get on top of things.

Can you give us a clue as to whereabouts you are in Scotland? As others have said Perth do some distance learning Nat 5s/Highers - highers are an absolute fucker to find as a "bunch" anywhere outside of Glasgow/Edinburgh. E.g., Falkirk do both biology and chemistry but rather brilliantly at the same time... so it'd take 2 years.

If you're anywhere near Dundee, then Abertay do a special access course which rather than FT is just 2 evenings a week and you're guaranteed access to them.

UHI have campuses all over the place - and the more remote you are, the more they seem to have wiggle room to help.

UHI also seem to be very good in providing childcare - e.g., Perth has a creche on campus.

Many schools in Scotland will allow you to sit the exams there as an external/community student - so that might be worth looking at too if you feel you can self-study - although if your'e anything like me - good luck getting some brain space with a baby around!

Open University Scotland when I last looked seemed to have a nursing degree course which allowed for a lot of distance learning - although you will need to do the practical elements within a teaching hospital type environment.

Firstly you haven't made a mess, and this isn't all on you.

1. Get child support sorted formally, the father needs to be pulling his weight.
2. Get some budgeting software, I use YNAB which you have to pay a small amount each month for but there are free ones too. It revolutionised my life.
3. Get a for now job to get income coming in
4. If you want to plan a career in the medium term there are lots of online courses free, but take time to do tasters to see where your interests lie. Future learn is a good starting point.
5. Give yourself a break. Young kids are exhausting and you are doing well just managing them

Can you give us an idea where roughly in Scotland you are based then we can help look at the options you have for study?

How about working in a nursery? Some give really good discounts for staff so children could go too, and do NVQs? or an apprenticeship? Look for something with childcare provided perhaps.

Did you just stop taking your neds without weaning yourself off them? This would explain why you are feeling particularly shit just now

You've got 3 small kids just now, that is your life. But it won't always be. Your kids will grow. Don't compare yourself to other people your age who don't have kids or maybe only have one. Your turn will come, it really will.

Go back to the gp and go back on anti-depressants. You need them. They are not making anything, they are treating an illness.

If you want to plan ahead start with a target of nat4 or nat5 maths and English within 2 years, something like that. Don't start with a massive goal, you're just setting yourself up to fail and you don't need that.