Made a mess of my life & don't know how to turn it around

[lostandconfusedd]

I don't know how it's just dawned on me that my life is a mess and I've pretty much failed at everything. I am almost 25, 3 children and not a penny to my name.
I've tried to recently get back into work but it's looking almost impossible (can't afford childcare, very little jobs will work around nursery hours, my cv is a bunch of lies). So I thought I'd explore the option of going to college. But the nearest college is 4hrs away, which isn't doable with children. There's also a shit load of qualifications needed and I have none (I didn't do exams at school ) I'm crying my eyes out. I've never felt so worthless. 24, no job prospects, no goals in life, no house (would never afford a mortgage, I have a shit ton of bad credit) I've just come off antiDs and thought this would be the drive to go further but I just feel like I'm going backwards even more.
Can I have a polite kick up the ass please!

3 months

Well, maybe just shelve any thoughts of education until he or she is in nursery. I mean, I don't think you've messed your life up but I do think your life has gone in a different direction to the one others are steering you towards and the trick is to be happy with that rather than thinking of what might have been. Are you with your children's father?

"Have you looked at the open university? You'd need to do an access course"

NO!
This is the second time in a couple of days that someone has said this. You DO NOT need an access course to to the OPEN university. The Open University is just that, OPEN. No access course needed.

Having said that, I agree with those who suggest GCSEs first if you don't have them as many employers will want them.

At 25yo you are young.
You are raising three dcs, live in your own, I think you’ve d8ne than you give yourself the credit for!

My advice would be

• go to the citizens advice bureau (or whatever the equivalent is in Scotland) to help sort your debts out. Having à better control of your debts will make your feel more in control/more manageable. You’ll feel better for it!
• look at what you enjoy doing. There are a few tests online like the Myers-Briggs test that can help you. Maybe look at doing some volunteering too to see if that works for you etc...
• at the same time, look at taking your GCSE first. You d8nt need to go to Uni for it so you won’t have the issue of travelling. But you will need those if you want to train for something. And it will help you find a job too.
• the most important thing? Look after yourself re the depression. Maybe you do need some medication still. Maybe you stopped too quickly (the advice is to wean yourself down SLOWLY not to just stop). Maybe you need to start with taking care of yourself by going outside, doing a bit of exercise (walking with a pram is a form of exercise), meeting some friends etc...

The main message is YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE

It's practically impossible to be happy with the choices I've made.
Although I know I've made them, I'm always looking for somebody else to blame so then it's not my fault 🤔
I've come from a family who are on benefits, my mum only went back to work 3 years ago and now is back out of work and back on benefits. I came out if school and straight onto benefits, I do not want the same for my children. I refuse it to be like that. If I wait, then my son (my oldest) will just think it's normal and I really really don't want that

Friends? I don't have any of those

Scrap some of my ideas if your youngest is only 3 months old!

I agree with everyone else pointing out how young you are and how you have your whole life ahead of you.

Op you are trying to fix so many issues at once,....stop dreaming big and start making a (written to keep you on track) plan.

Uni is not necessarily the answer, if you want a type of job that works aroung your dcs then think about a trade, you could possibly train as a hairdresser and work freelance and build a business. I knew a Cornish mobile hairdresser who earned 30K around her childrens school hours!

Or nail technician doing shellac nails........find out about courses and grants in your area,
find a course that gives you a skill people pay for, that is not too long that will lead you straight into work at the end, study how to make a small business pay for free online.

To manage in the meantime, if your Dcs are at school or nursery work out what type of work you can offer, dog walking?cleaning?ironing? in my area all these cost £10/£12 per hour.

Save some money and put it into your chosen course, it may take a year or two but focus on the end game.....

Don't waste what you earn on non essentials, for household items use freecycle, ie rugs for your floors etc.

Use some money for an intensive driving course, often the best way to quickly pass your test. Once you have, don't get a car on finance, get an older low mileage basic car and pay in full.

I would say your focu should be,

Find easy income source you can do around Dcs
Save towards driving course
Pass test, save towards cheap car
Identify course to get trade qualification
Look for grants

Perhaps with your youngest so little, you might set yourself some very small targets for now, maybe updating your cv so it’s factually accurate, going to a baby group to meet some new people and looking at how you might study for your GCSEs. You’re young with little baby, there’s no rush.

Don't think of yourself as a failure. You have had 3 children while young. One is only 3 months. What ages are the other two? Are they at school or nursery?
Can you get Child Maintenance from the father or are you still with the father?
Stepchange can organise manageable repayments of your debts. In the meantime try to make sure that your bills are met.
There are some remote colleges in Scotland have you checked on this. They have a main college with outlying classes on some of the islands. Some secondary schools have adults in the classes. You might inquire about that.
One thing seems very obvious to me in your comments. I think some time to yourself would be a big help. I wonder how you could possibly manage a holiday. I know that might be a bit much in the current circumstances.
Be kind to yourself.

By the time you're 42 all your children will have left school, and you'll still have nearly 30 years left to invest in a career! Concentrate on feeding, clothing and nurturing your children for now, and slowly, steadily building up your skills so you can hit the ground running when they're more independent.

I know your nearest big college is hours away, but is there any community adult education near you? If not there are lots of free online courses which you can do in your own time: www.futurelearn.com are a good one to try. Probably best to go easy on yourself and get through each day for now, though: You seem to have a lot on your plate

I know I'm still young but I can't see much changing, a life on benefits is what I feel resigned to and I want to change it before it gets that bad.
Me and dcs father are on and off.
My eldest is not the father of the other two. That child wasn't planned, nor was my youngest. Yes I was on contraception, yes I went for the MAP. I now have a coil fitted, and if we ever do have sex it's always condoms. He is going for the snip so please don't lecture me about contraception, I am not bringing anymore babies into this world. I want to do right by the ones I've got, I think deep down I've got the drive to work hard but I've lost it. I've lost the confidence and motivation to find it. But I know I need to or nothing will change.
But at the same time in my head, if I try and change too much it'll become too much and then I'll sink back down. Or I get all these crazy ideas and realise it's not doable and again sink back down.
(My mum's the same, forever talking about going on a date or a fancy holiday but when the time comes to organising it she backs out!)

I've come from a family who are on benefits, my mum only went back to work 3 years ago and now is back out of work and back on benefits. I came out if school and straight onto benefits, I do not want the same for my children. I refuse it to be like that. If I wait, then my son (my oldest) will just think it's normal and I really really don't want that

Now that tells me a lot. And in particular that you are really not à failure.
My hats to you to want to change things and do better for yourself and your children.

A few ideas for you

• really have a look at doing your GCSE. You will need that to be able to get a job. Whatever the job.
• is there any mother and baby/toddler groups around you? Isolation is a killer with depression/PND (been there, done that).
• do you have family around that could support you, maybe by looking after the dcs one morning a week or something? Volunteering would be a really good starting point. It will help you be in contact with people. It will help you learn some skills that employers will like. It will help you find out what sort of job you enjoy.

You are not your mum. Taking responsibility for your choices goes hand in hand with believing you can make better ones, and that you control your life (rather than life being something that just happens to you).

As you are at home with your kids right now you have an excellent opportunity to give them a good start in life - talk to them, play with them, read to them, teach them to look after themselves and help round the house. Be very, very clear with your son that his education is very important, support it. He will see you working and maybe even studying, just not yet.

In my town there is a Facebook group called (townsname) chat.....have you got one? Lots of people put on there. What they need help with..people have asked for jobs ,made friends with other parents and swapped childcare .there will be people who will help if you reach out...we also a wonderful face book group called (towns name) together not alone....people are chatting and supporting each other..asking for help with depression and all things..check to see if your town has one? Or think about setting one up.the lady who set ours up,just planned a meeting at a pub.people joined and came and supported each other....I'm no where near you ,otherwise I would offer to help xxxx

Perth College does distance learning. It's part of the University of the Highlands and Islands but they do plenty of school level courses - so you could get your Nat 5s which should open some doors for you. As you'd guess from the name UHI is used to students who live remotely!

If you don't have any qualifications I don't think you would have to pay, but they will have a department who can talk you through this.

Hi OP, did you come off your medication suddenly/without GP advice? This could well account for suddenly feeling particularly low. Seek advice from your GP as it may be useful to go back on them (if they were helpful) and then gradually come off them in time. Echo everything others have said. Good luck x

If you're on your own with three kids you would need to be earning 50k plus to not be reliant on benefits. FT childcare for 3 will see no change from 2k. Then you have to eat.

Be realistic.

I forgot to mention.you are already doing the best job in the world ...being a mum.x

Btw I think the idea of doing some small jobs, like dog walking or ironing is a really good idea.
You can start very small (one dog only). You dint need any GCSE. Itnwill help your unlearn a bit of money. And much more importantly, it will shows yo you CAN do something, work and achieve what you want.

I didn’t realise your baby was so little.

I wonder if you have some post natal depression. I would definitely seek help for that and go back on your anti depressants. You’ll feel more motivated to change things long term if you deal with the depression first.

With a baby that little and two other children to care for heading straight back into work now might be a bit too much to think about right now, but you can start to investigate things and have some long term plans in mind.

OP, take a breath and focus on what you can do and already are doing.

Despite having depression, you are raising three children. That's enough for anyone to be doing right now. I've raised two DC with depression and it's really hard. It's hard to be a good mum. It's hard to keep going. And I know how very very hard it is to hold down a job if you never know how hard or when the illness will strike you.

The only gentle nudge up the arse I'd give you is to reach out for as much support as you can get, as that will ease the symptoms of depression a bit.

Every day do one tiny thing to make a change towards the life you want. Make the first changes all about getting help.

Help sorting out the heating
Help with finance - debt counselling
See if Home Start will help you with housework, DC and making plans for the future while you adjust to being off antidepressants.
Sign up for your local Freecycle and ask for rugs for your floors and good quality toys for your DC. You'll be amazed how generous some people are.

Here's another list of charities that give to people in need. You are raising three children. That's a job. You have that job and you deserve support to do it as well as you can.

My life turned around only when I pressed the pause button and told myself I'd spend a year focusing on getting my mental and physical health back. No other pressures. Not work pressure, qualification pressures. Nothing except learning how to control my MH. That made a massive difference to me.

I'd put everything else on hold until the youngest is school age. And honestly - are you sure just before Christmas is the best time to come off ADs. I'd stay on them until late Spring, as SAD will only make the feelings worse at this time of year and you don;t need to be coping with that too.

Sorry for the long post.

Please stop recommending that the OP does GCSE. She has repeatedly said she is in Scotland where we do not have GCSEs.

OP - you need to look into National 5 qualifications. These used to be Standard Grades which is probably what they were called when you were at school. I can't think either where you could be that has a university, but no college within 4 hours.

A very quick google throws up that Perth College does National 5 English and Maths by distance learning. www.perth.uhi.ac.uk/courses/national-5-mathematics-distance-learning/ Or Dundee and Angus college do numeracy for people who haven't any qualifications. dundeeandangus.ac.uk/courses/finder/course/7641/mathematics-and-numeracy--distance-learning---2019-20-

these are things you could start looking into with a view to taking it further when your children are older.

I have only ever had 1 job, how fucking pathetic at my age. So I don't have much experience, I have no grades so not clever enough to count, can barely write as I struggle with spelling. So no fancy grades.

I can't see that you struggle with spelling. You've even spelled 'positive' correctly, which is unusual

I agree about things like dog-walking. Or ironing. Or anything you could do from home that would fit with your own childminding.

If your DP is a similar age, that seems very young to be going for a snip. Are you sure he's not spinning you a line?