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AIBU?

To think military families should be offered extra funded childcare provisions?

185 replies

PFB1 · 13/12/2018 00:11

I am a military wife and although being a soldier is a choice and in my opinion, you're not automatically owed anything for making that choice, I really feel as though child care is such an issue for military spouses.

The problem is, we move frequently, which makes it harder for spouses to have a successful career. We often live hundreds of miles from family so we have no offers of free childcare there, the communities we live in are so transient. Our friends move away, new people arrive. When a friendship reaches the point where you might be comfortable asking for help with childcare, it's likely one of you will end up being posted miles away.

On top of these issues, your spouse can be sent away at a moments notice for anything up to 9 months.

I think so many military spouses underachieve from a career point of view because it feels like there are just so many hurdles in your way. I think extra funded childcare for military families would be a wonderful idea to give spouses more opportunities to succeed.

I appreciate childcare is a touchy subject and difficult for many families to afford/juggle. I just think it would be a huge help to service families to have some additional support in that area.

I'd love to try to contact relevant organisations to discuss whether this is something we could propose but I firstly wanted to get an idea of if the general public would be unhappy about this.

OP posts:

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museumum · 15/12/2018 08:33

I think bases /barracks should run their own nurseries. We live near two big barracks and I know that military families wouldn’t have a chance of nursery places (we had to put ds name down before birth).
They might have their own nurseries already but they certainly aren’t open to the local community as a previous poster said.
The school that most of the military kids go to should also prioritise breakfast and afterschool club provision.

whereareallthenannies · 15/12/2018 08:35

The nursery on my base is open to the general public and has a long waiting list.

goldengummybear · 15/12/2018 09:16

I think that there are more higher priority groups than you.
For example childcare for people who don't work standard nursery hours of 8-6, childcare for children with SN...

dippledorus · 15/12/2018 09:29

No. Definitely not.

Sahara123 · 15/12/2018 09:39

Can I have extra funding please I have a 29 year old daughter who is very disabled , lives at home, probably always will until I die. I’ve never been able to continue my career, have no family for 100’s of miles, husband goes away a lot, I’d settle for a night out on my own at the moment! And none of this was my choice.
Feeling sorry for myself.
Rant over......

ittooshallpass · 15/12/2018 09:40

There are 2 separate issues; childcare to support parents who do shift work (in any career) and whether it's possible to have a career when you move around.

Childcare for shift workers is something I would like to see the government to recognise and help with.

Having a career where you can transfer to different locations is more difficult, but more and more companies are happy for employees to work from home. Finding a role with a company with multiple sites and a flexible approach to home-working has been a godsend to me.

Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 10:31

Ok what makes you different to a single parent, from a care point of view?

It's that you move. Moving often, will make it hard to grow your career. Free child care won't help with that.

I am a single parent and have built a career whilst having to pay for childcare. You could do it as well. If you didn't trail.

PFB1 · 15/12/2018 10:42

I am a single parent and have built a career whilst having to pay for childcare. You could do it as well. If you didn't trail.

A lot of military families fall apart because they can't manage the time spent apart. Every family has the option to not accompany their soldier (and spend even more time apart) but like a previous poster said, this can have implications for their mental health, especially if/when their family unit collapses. Serving soldiers need support and a family that lives with them can help to offer that support.

It's a complex issue. You are a single parent. I am not a single parent. I have a husband who wants to live with us and children who want to live with their dad. They two are not comparable.

OP posts:

Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 10:50

But if you move alot because you can't be separated from him, cheap childcare won't help build you career. Because you are moving all the time.

So childcare isn't the issue.

I know it's complicated. As I said my dad and my brother served.

Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 10:51

In fact if you stopped trailing you would be better off than me because you would have 2 salaries.

PFB1 · 15/12/2018 11:00

In fact if you stopped trailing you would be better off than me because you would have 2 salaries.

Yes, financially better off. Listening to your daughters cry because they miss their dad so much is heart breaking though and I'd rather struggle financially but give them as much time as we can with their dad.

OP posts:

PFB1 · 15/12/2018 11:01

Do you not get any form of child support NotAClue? That must be tough!

OP posts:

Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 11:20

They see their dad but he gave job work when I left him. I have a dp who doesn't live with me. So pay of all myself.

Why are you ignoring the point. If you want to trail and I get why you do, then bulking a career isn't because of childcare costs. It's because you are moving alot. Building that career and finding a job in the next place would be extremely difficult. Many people won't want to employ someone who could be fine in 9 months.

Every trailing spouse is the same, even if not military.

I genuinely get that life is hard for military families. My brother died in Afghan. I have seen the Dorset that can happen.

But this isn't a childcare issue. It's a not staying in one place long enough issue.

Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 11:21

Exh lives with his girlfriend. She pays all his bills. Sorry should have clarified.

Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 11:24

Yes sake worst that can happen. Not Dorset?

Piratepolly · 15/12/2018 11:27

Serving soldiers need support and a family that lives with them can help to offer that support.

Actually the number of broken marriages on the patch is just as high as those living long distance. Trust me the ones on the patch that collapse are a lot more toxic and detrimental to operational effectiveness. The fall out is terrible for all concerned: loss of home, friends and family.

So how do you deal with your children crying when dad's away on operation or exercise or when they have to change school yet again because dad has to move yet again?

Actually the MOD was seriously looking at doing away with married quarters and supporting people to buy their own homes. From a child's perspective this would be a lot better long term in term of stability imho.

UserMe18 · 15/12/2018 11:32

As a military wife with a successful career yes I do believe there should be additional support, not necessarily cash but there needs to be more to ensure there is suitable childcare provision around large military bases. I would be more than happy to be more self sufficient when they wake up and smell the coffee that insisting on moving families every 2-3 years (trade dependent of course) is not conducive to a stable family life nor is it always necessary for a successful military career if the service person is happy where they are stationed. Until they stop this ridiculous moving around which costs the tax payer a fortune in so many ways (not just moving and housing costs but also the fact you've constantly got people.l needing to train up in new roles) then we are hugely dependent on the state in so many ways. Some of the ignorant comments on military life are hugely infuriating, I do feel it's something you can't comment on unless you have experienced the lifestyle, yes my husband chose to serve but it's just as well he has because if no one did we may need national service in this country and it doesn't mean we deserve a sub standard way of life.

Otterses · 15/12/2018 11:50

Sahara if I had a say, you, your daughter and others in your position would get all the help and support you could wish for. I'm really sorry that you're struggling. I hope you find a way to get some respite, even if just for a night.

Really madvixen? I've always been told our on base one is for services children only! I may be wrong though.

I do completely understand the issues surrounding building a career though. The attitudes I've come across with potential employers have been disgusting. Especially when it came to that I'd likely move on every 2-3 years. My old employer pre DS was fantastic for this, because they liked to rotate managers periodically and were really open to transfers at all levels if someone else wanted a swap, and were generally really flexible and understanding (the big green store owned by the bloke off dragons den in case that might be of use to anyone). Like it or not, as a trailing spouse, it does restrict your career options a bit.

However it has given me a huge kick up the backside to retrain into a role that I know is in huge demand all over the country, so hopefully I can build a bit of a career

AlexaShutUp · 15/12/2018 11:51

The thing is, OP, all career choices have pros and cons. Lots of people have to move away from family/where they grew up. Lots of people work move around. Lots of people work long and/or anti-social hours. Lots of people have to travel extensively/spend time away from home.

Are there challenges which are unique to military families? Probably, yes, but perhaps not so many as you imagine. Is there more support available to military families? Yes, I think so.

If you feel that the existing support is targeted inappropriately, then campaign from within to get that changed. At the same time, it's always worth keeping in mind that there are other ways of making a living if you and your DH decide that military life is no longer working for you.

Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 11:54

Otterses got to be honest I have no idea what store you are talking about! Must have had enough coffee.

UserMe18 · 15/12/2018 11:55

@AlexaShutUp the thing with military families is the frequent moving and often (it's hard to generalise of course) little say you can have in a posting, we haven't once been sent where we wanted to go, and it's always in the sticks where you're likely looking at commuting on top of childcare. I'm guessing lot of civilian jobs that require moving around enable more choice and more populous areas? It is their dnployr's duty to ensure it is do-able. The MOD is a huge chunk of the population serving their country, the government does have an obligation to ensure the lifestyle is liveable if not out of morality then for retention and sustainability.

UserMe18 · 15/12/2018 11:56

*employer's

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AlittlehelpfrommyAIBUfriends · 15/12/2018 11:56

You get free housing. Use that money to fund extra childcare. You made a choice. You are always comfortable and you will always have a roof over your head. Also it is also your choice to live on base, your husband could live in quarters and you could have a lovely family home in one place, stability for your children and husband could come home as and when he can.

Your choice. Suck it up buttercup.

UserMe18 · 15/12/2018 11:59

@AlittlehelpfrommyAIBUfriends and it's ignorant comments like this which makes this a pointless debate on Mumsnet. Military housing is not free, we pay rent, yes it is subsidised but it has gone up quite a bit in recent years and can still be upwards of £500. It goes up a heck of a lot more than the wages too. So perhaps you shouldn't comment on something if you know so little about it?

PFB1 · 15/12/2018 11:59

alittlehelpfrommyAIBUfriends since when has military housing been free?

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