To ask women who left abusive partners

[bodyneverlies]

Are you happy?

Did you finally meet a dp who respects and values you? How did you meet?

I am in my early 40s, h is emotionally abusive for along time, made promises to change but nothing happened.
I still love him, he has many good qualities but I can't take his explosive anger and lack of empathy anymore. I am very depressed now. He is back to blaming me for his behaviour. I am unemployed and financially dependant on him. I will somehow build my career again. But I worry I will end up alone. I have no kids and a very small and detached family.

Hi OP. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes I am not just happier, I am happy and I realise now when I was with ex it was never real happiness anyway.
It is not easy being a lone parent but it's a hell of a lot easier than it was with an abusive arse.
Be brave in your decision and good luck

Hi Op. I left my H a fortnight ago. Sounds v similar to yours. After a tricky few days, things have calmed down. I’ll come back to you on the question of whether I find love - won’t be looking for a long time I know I can be happy on my own.

You are right to consider leaving an abusive man- they rarely change or improve, even if the desire is there.

You will likely find that you will have more friends if you leave him. Men like that tend to isolate you from your friends.

Why are you unemployed? First step is to work out how to get back in to work so you are not dependent.

Maybe consider speaking to women’s aid and look at the Freedom Project online. You will get advice on how to leave safely and protect yourself. Do you have a secure computer or phone for that?

Good luck Op. you can do it.

Oh, and definitely don’t have children with this man. That is vvvvv important.

Yes. I am extremely happy. I often look back and wonder how I coped for so long. I don't recognize the person I was then. He was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive.

I hated him, I hate him still for what he did but in reality that was the relationship that shaped me, that broke me and tore me completely to shreds but that I used as a foundation for change when I eventually left. It was my reference point to say I will never allow someone to treat me that way again. Not ever. And whilst it was some of the most horrid years and experiences of my life, I am still grateful for the lesson it taught me.

I relied on myself when I didn't think I could and frankly I was so bloody impressed that after everything he'd put me through I could still stand up and walk away. I never thought I'd have the strength until I did it.

If you're anything like I was, you don't love him. You are familiar and it feels 'normal'. Most people are scared of rocking the boat, of changing what is normal to them. But I promise you there's so much life out there, please don't waste more of yours with someone who treats you this way.

In answer to your question yes I found someone else. He treats me like I never knew I deserved to be treated and it still shocks me to this day. Some days I still wake up thinking I don't deserve this man. But I do! I do bloody deserve to be treated this way. And so do you.

It's taken a lot for me to build and mould myself back into the person I was before him. My confidence and trust took years to repair but I got there, I did it and I am happy. I hadn't been able to say that (and mean it truthfully) in years. You can be too.

You are 40. You have years of life to enjoy. Please don't feel like you have to waste it.

Phone women's aid, get advice. Get support from friends and family. Take the first steps. Treat yourself properly by doing what is right for you and getting away from this toxic environment.

I wholeheartedly wish you the best OP. I know exactly how you feel. I was completely hopeless. I hope one day you'll be writing a similar story to another woman thinking there's no way out

The only thing I wish I'd done differently was leave my ex sooner. Emotionally & physically abusive for 4 years. It was so hard to wrench free, took a long time to recover and I swore off relationships.

But fast forward 10 years & now very happily married to the most wonderful man - who I appreciate all the more for his kindness and respect.

There is better out there.

I wish I’d left sooner. We were only dating but he moved in with me, controlled me, constantly accused me of cheating on him and punished me for anything he didn’t see as right. My life changed when I kicked him out. Even though he stalked me for a few months, it tapered out and I wouldn’t change anything. Four years later and I’m with the most amazing man who loves me just as I am.

Please, if you can do so safely, leave and don’t look back. You deserve it.

Yes best thing I ever did, he was emotionally and psychically abusive and it took me a long time to see just how bad he was, I was scared I would never meet anyone else but not long after I met DP who is worlds apart from the scum bag ex and we now have a little one and another on the way. So glad I found the balls to kick my ex out

He is back to blaming me for his behaviour. I am unemployed and financially dependant on him.

Honestly feel for you. You are not responsible for him or his actions. Have you confided in anyone how you're feeling? If not please, please do.

I'm not tryung to make this thread about me, but I am realising that I am in a relationship like yours. I'm blamed for everything, expected to do everything with no help or support and lots if other things. I keep meaning to start my own thread. I'm nowhere near ready to leave yet though for a million reasons. One of them being his reaction and the spite and maliciousness that will follow. So what I wanted to ask you bodyneverlies is how your ex has reacted?

Seven years on - hell yes! Even now I sometimes wake up and lie in bed enjoying how 'light' the atmosphere in the room is without his negativity weighing everything down.

I was with my ex for over a decade and had 2 children with him. I left a several times over the years and always went back. Until the last time. I’d hit crisis point with the threats, sexual violence, blackmail and the constant waiting for something to happen, and to cut a long story short, rang women’s aid, told them everything and within about 3 weeks they’d got me and the kids a place in refuge. They saved my life.

I was already growing closer to someone else before I left my ex. He is now my partner. I credit him with saving me and my kids too. We are very happy together, my children love him to bits too and vice versa (which was completely necessary for me and partner to make a go of things) and we can’t wait to start trying for a baby next year. Not only am I finally happy I’m finally in a position where I feel like I deserve to be happy. For years I felt so worthless I felt like I deserved nothing more.

I am a million times happier. Nearly 3 years from ending the relationship but only a couple of months from actually having my own place without him.

Not in a relationship at the moment. Not sure if I ever want one. But really finding someone else isn't the be all and end all. Happy just me and my children and will be happy alone if I am alone when they move out.

But I'm sure you can meet someone else if you want to. Just make sure you have a massive break between the abuser and even looking for someone otherwise you may repeat the pattern.

You are enough by yourself though. It's so nice to finally begin to feel like a "real" person. Someone who deserves happiness and peace of mind. Someone who van make silly little mistakes without being pulled up on it or punished. Someone who can plan nice days with friends or family and know they won't be ruined. Who can enjoy the company of loved ones. It's great being free OP. Good luck.

Yes I did and I’m blissfully happy I will never ever take my dh for granted as a result. What my abuser taught me was what’s important in a relationship. Trust, respect and friendship are relationship breaking, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle of the tube is a pain in the arse but you can live with it.

I’m also never bothered about living on my own, I learnt to live myself and I found out what I really wanted. I was with my abuser for 10 years and had another 10 years of living alone and having a ball

Yes OP, you will be better off without him. I was with an emotionally abusive and financially controlling relationship for 6 years. It started becoming aggressive and that's when i knew i had to leave. It took time for me to accept that because we did have happy moments and i loved him, but i knew he'd never change and it would only get worse.

If i was you I'd try to get a plan in place so you feel confident and ready to leave him. Can you arrange to stay temporarily with a friend or look into renting somewhere cheap for a while? A bedsit? If you have friends you can confide in then tell them your plans so you are supported to leave him and they are ready to help you when you need it. I knew the exact day i was going to leave and had things in place for that day so i wouldn't 'chicken out' on the day. It's such a hard step to take but once it's done you'll feel a huge weight off your shoulders. I've been in a few relationships since, now happily married, and it's been a revelation - no relationship need be like that and there are plenty of men out there who would never dream of treating anyone like that. Nobody has ever made me feel the way he did. Part of me looks back in sadness of what the relationship could have been if he had changed and our happy moments were our every moments, but i know that could have never happened and he has repeated the same pattern with subsequent girlfriends so i had a lucky escape. Good luck OP

I'm a week and a half out of my abusive relationship. We were off and on for what seems like forever over the years. We have children. Part of me misses him, or more the familiarity of him being here but I know deep down he is no good for my mental health, my self-esteem, and his temper and shitty attitude is no good for being around the kids.

A part of me questions if I still love him or not. When I asked him to leave it was a huge relief like a weight had been lifted. Now I have to see him because of the kids and I am definitely in the mourning phase of the breakup. The mourning for what could have been. But that's not reality as I have to keep reminding myself. The reality was him blowing up at every damn thing and swearing at me, calling me a fucking whore inf front of my kids and occasionally being physical. As well as the sexual stuff.

Watching this thread with interest as I think it will help to read the positive posts.

Good luck OP.

Have you seen part time workingmummy on Facebook she is very inspiring in this field and has moved on

Almost twelve years out. Building new professional career. Dating a really nice man who is emotionally available and caring and totally different to my ex.

I was 38 when we split. He was emotionally and financially and physically abusive.

My life is so so much better I don’t recognise myself as I was back then at all.

You can do it

Oh I forgot to say. I am happy. I laugh. I never used to laugh. I exist as a person, not just reflected through him. And I’m content. Settled. Happy. Not maniac grin rictus grin happy but just content. Life is good.

dippledorus i agree. It's the not walking on eggshells and being in constant fear of triggering him that is such a huge relief when you finally walk away. I felt so free and it was like a light bulb moment of realising i hadn't been able to be me for years. Even simple things like being able to buy lunch out without feeling guilty and scared because i knew he wouldn't approve. It took me a while to trust that other men wouldn't treat me like that. I'd be all "Sorry sorry sorry!" if i did something 'wrong' and my OH would have to talk me down and reassure me that it was absolutely fine and that he wasn't going to blow off at me like my ex. I still flinch in some situations (unnecessarily) and my OH knows that certain situations are triggering for me, like i can't bear feeling controlled at all now and have actually gone to the other extreme on that in some senses, like i need to have a say in all situations. He knows not to make decisions without me or to make me physically trapped (eg to block my personal space) or emotionally controlled in any way. It has an impact on my relationship definitely but there are gems like my OH out there who will be totally accepting and accommodating of that

Yes. 2 horrid relationships when I was younger. DH is a revelation. I thought he was unusual but now see the men I was dating were of the same ilk whereas DH's circle of friends are decent men like him. I now feel that most men are actually good blokes whereas for a while I just assumed all men were aggressive idiots.

I am! I've my own house, job, life, interests, I've done a lot of work on myself, so the anxieties and people pleasing are under control.

Yes, I am happy.

Yes I did find someone else who treats me with love and respect. But even before I started a relationship with him I was so so much happier just to be out of the shit abusive one. I was single for a good while and it was brilliant, it felt like someone handed my life back to me on a silver platter.

Leaving was really really hard but it has been so worth it.

Thanks everyone. I am glad you are all happy and doing well.
Thing is my H is not a scum bag, also he has not hurt me physically.
He has been victim of abuse in the past (as a child but v ambivalent towards parent and later in a relationship). He has not stopped me from working or meeting friends. He had to move countries for his job and my career had to take a backseat. He tried to help me with my job search and is not suspicious type, affectionate.
Problem is he has a lot of stress from his family, he self-sacrifices his needs with family and expects same from me. He won't communicate his needs, frustrations, and on minor complaints (doesn't matter how reasonable), would lose temper. He gets passive aggressive, makes rude comments, put downs if I express an opinion or need not aligned to his. And eventually sulks, judges me harshly, won't listen, call our marriage bad, storm out, etc. His mum was very submissive with his father and advocates women putting their needs last. He says he is a self made man. I think he only respects himself.
I really don't have any friends and I am too depressed to offer anything in new friendships.
Some of you suggested seeking support from friends and family. I have 2 people in my family both old with own health issues. They live 4000 miles away. I have no kids. I am 42.
I wouldn't want a relationship right away. But eventually I would want companionship. I have started looking for jobs and have saved up some money to pay for rent for a few months. So I am a little less worried on that front. Thanks again for your support.

He doesn't have to be a complete scumbag OP, if he's making you unhappy, isn't treating you as an equal, putting you down, making you feel like you need to be submissive to his needs etc, or just taking his own issues out on you, AND refuses to get help or change... well that's reason enough to get out. You have to look at the balance of the relationship, if you're happy 20% of the time but unhappy 80% of the time then that's not a healthy relationship. Or even if you're happy 90% of the time but 10% of the time you spend feeling like utter crap, and he does not empathise with that, then that's also not good enough! You deserve to be happy.

I just saw more replies. I am reading them now. Thank you all for support.
Bottomplasters, thank you. I will check her profile.
plottingtoleave, I haven't left him yet. I don't know how he would react. He has asked me to leave many times in the past calling our marriage horrible and then asked me not to. Lately he has been saying he doesn't need anyone, he can live alone. I don't think he is going stalk me. He will blame me for everything.

He's never called me bitch or ugly but has called me fake caring, lazy, immature, 'your mother didn't you anything', 'seen my true colours', he fights with like a lawyer in court room, one question after another and then doesn't let me answer, answers it himself. Trigger of all this is a minor / reasonable complaint, or me trying to defend myself assertively when he complains about me not doing something correctly his way.
Other times I am the best thing ever happened to him, he learnt about love from me, then back to him seeing my true colours sometimes within days of feeling love for me.
I grew up in a family with a father who would tell me get out of his house if I had different opinions (he felt disrespected) but other times would be very caring, so I can see I need to work on myself to not repeat these patterns.

I took no joy in my marriage ending, even tho it being abusive. But my, oh my, the relief it's over, is like a deep breath and exhale....pure relief.

I wish you well @OP