To ask women who left abusive partners

[bodyneverlies]

Are you happy?

Did you finally meet a dp who respects and values you? How did you meet?

I am in my early 40s, h is emotionally abusive for along time, made promises to change but nothing happened.
I still love him, he has many good qualities but I can't take his explosive anger and lack of empathy anymore. I am very depressed now. He is back to blaming me for his behaviour. I am unemployed and financially dependant on him. I will somehow build my career again. But I worry I will end up alone. I have no kids and a very small and detached family.

Thanks Feather Just finding it too difficult, I have no one to talk in real life.

I have. I had two abusive relationships back to back and then took some time to be alone and have some counselling. I am now married to the kindest, loveliest man who I adore. We met on POF

It taught me that life is just too short. Sometimes you have to take that first scary step. Even if I had stayed single, it would have been so much better than where I was

Quite simply, I’m happy. I can relax. No-one undermines me or criticises me in my own home. The stress has gone. The relief is overwhelming.

I haven’t looked for a new partner yet but that doesn’t matter, my confidence is recovering. So is my self respect. It takes a while.
Good luck whatever you choose.

Yes, met DH2 after a 10 year gap. It really made me as a person being single inbetween , got confidence back and had DC at age 41 and 42. You have to believe life can be better in the future. I would of not survived in my first marriage past the age of 30. You deserve the best life possible not a half life of being scared 24/7. Good luck.

No abusive man is a monster. Alternating between kindness and abuse is how they keep you stuck.

I was frightened, filled with guilt, and distraught when I left. It didn't immediately feel wonderful. But now I've had time to heal some and process things, and learn to follow my own rules instead of his distorted ones... Life is much better.

You might find the Freedom Programme will help you make sense of this and find the clarity you need. You don't have to share things, it's not therapy, it's just them giving you information in a supportive environment. It's free to do the group course and I'd highly recommend it. It was pivotal to transforming my life and helping me feel able to leave.

I've read your posts listing out some horrendous things to do to a person who he professes to love. But I can understand why it feels normal to you. Please let me assure you it's not. It makes no difference he hasn't hit you. He's still horribly abusive and it is not acceptable - a little bit of poison is still poison. You wouldn't want it in your tea.

Even your post trying to minimise and make his excuses, and explain away his abuse, sounds like a soul destroying way to live. It's deeply, deeply abusive. You don't deserve to live like that. It's not normal.

I hope one day you reel ready to leave and build something better for yourself. I cannot tell you how joyous it is to live without the oppression you're dealing with.

I won't lie to you, leaving is tough to do initially, but just keep telling yourself you're doing it to make life better and once you start to adjust you'll be able to see for yourself how much things are changing. Don't think that because it feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable it was wrong to leave - remember that all change feels like that. Especially after having your confidence and expectations broken down for so long.

I am only telling you that so that once you're ready you won't panic and second guess yourself. We all go through that adjustment period. It's temporary. It's the start of healing from the abuse.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It does get so much better. And there are people to support you along the way.

I forgot to say, one of the things I valued most about the Freedom Programme was that it teaches you what a healthy relationship looks like.

It teaches you how a non-abusive partner would treat you. That imperfect but decent and caring human being.

And it teaches you how to spot the early warning signs a man will become abusive (they're always there) so that you don't ever get drawn in by another one just because he used a different variety of abusive tactics to the one you left behind.

These were the things that gave me back hope for my future and confidence I could keep myself safe and avoid getting stuck in the same situation again once I was ready to try relationships again.

I get the sense this knowledge would be incredibly helpful for you too.

I am relieved and happy and wish I had got put sooner. There have been difficult moments and I haven't found a nice man yet but there is so much joy to be had in life when you're not being abused. Everyone deserves better.

I can highly recommend therapy to anyone who does leave. Take as good care of yourself as you can

Hey OP,

Just wanted to add another voice to the ‘hell yes, it’s so much better’ gang. I threw my H out 3 and a half years ago now and I’ve never looked back. I didn’t shed a single tear and I still believe it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

My children were 3 and 8 at the time. They are happier and calmer now he’s gone.

I won’t go into the awfulness but suffice to say I needed to police on several occasions.

New year 2014/15 I promised myself I wouldn’t do another year of it and I stuck to that.

I had Christmas 2015 just me and the children and it was heaven. By 2016 I’d already met my new DP (after a bit of internet dating) and he is amazing. The kids love him and our lives are happier than ever.

It took me about 3 months to realise I hadn’t been shouted at for weeks and how peaceful and lovely life was.

You can do it. Life is so much better away from the constant negativity.

Good luck!

Also, I name changed and never got to thank the MN ladies who helped me so much. I will forever be grateful.

Duh of almost 20 years has never made me cry, or at least only a good way when he's said lovely things. He's never shouted at me or torn me down. That's the stand out for me from him and exes. They were moody and I bore the brunt of it. If hey were having a bad day they'd have to piss on anything good. Couldn't be happy for me. Obviously it wasn't like that to start. It never is. But once the honeymoon period was over and life returned to normal they were the miserable arseholes they were before. Dh has days when he's stressed but he NEVER takes it out on anyone.

Well he left me, but let's say I didn't argue with him. I think he thought if he moved out and we had a trial separation then I would beg for him back.

I suffered from anxiety and depression for years, and I think I will always be a bit anxious, but honestly when he moved out I felt like the fog had lifted!

Nearly 2 years on and I'm so much happier with my new partner, my ex did me such a huge favour as I honestly would never have had the courage to leave and I don't think it would have gone well if I did, he told people it was mutual (which I guess it was as I didn't argue) but if I had left I know he would have played the victim!

Honestly I don't think you'll regret it, it was hard at first, but not for one second did I want him back!

Just another chiming in to say yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

It's been many years, but I was dragged out of a really physically (etc) abusive relationship by my friends and family. I mean that they actually came in a van and physically carried me and my belongings away! I refused to leave on my own, for 100 reasons, but almost the second he was behind me, I was relieved. Then, slowly, I started realising that all of those reasons for staying were indeed stupid, that they were HIS thoughts in my mind, not my own, and that I was FAR better off. For a brief moment, I was furious with those loved ones who had "invaded my life" but that moment passed immediately and I was and will forever be grateful to them.

It took a while to pick up some of the pieces, but I have genuinely never, not for one single second, regretted leaving. And, honestly, I am a stronger and wiser person for having been through that.

I now have an absolute angel of a DH who knows about and understands my past, who loves and respects me, with whom I am extremely happy and have been for years.

The freedom is just lovely and comforting, you become whole again, hugs xx

Thanks everyone.
Anouk, I know his behaviour is not normal. I have been relationships before. I was never treated like this before. I know there are men who choose to treat their partners with respect. Sometimes I wish this happened 10 years ago. I really have no support. I have an aunt who tries to minimise this. I am from an Asian culture. As I have no family or kids, I worry I will be alone. I am already 42. It will take me sometime to build self esteem and career. By then it will be too late for kids. I feel so anxious about growing old alone because I have seen someone in my distant family.
I have understood why I kept giving him chances. I knew there is no-one else who cares. I had a traumatic childhood and controlling /dismissive family.
Sorry my post is all over the place. But I am glad I created this posts. I feel I am not ready yet but maybe one day I will be. I want to get a job and some therapy first. Hugs to all of you for your support and going through what you did.

He might be helpable as he has a grasp of his own behaviour. This is rooted in childhood. When he says these things he is actually saying them about himself. He is externalising his anger. It’s nothing to do with you. You know that. It takes a brave man to confront himself.

You do have to put yourself first.

I hope he gets the help he needs.

A decade on and absolutely yes. It was absolutely yes as the taxi drove away from the prison home he kept me in.

I'll never forget the freedom I felt as I pieced my life back together. It was the best thing I ever did.
I no longer live in fear, I am free. It's a completely different world, I can't believe I was ever with such a monster.

Leave him OP. You can do it.

I had nofriends left when I finally left my husband.Me and my dd left with our clothes and a few other belongings.
We have rebuilt our lives and although dd still has ongoing anxiety we are in a better place.
I am older than you so unlikely to meet a new partner and also not looking.Most of us don't leave to find someone else but to be free of being knee deep in eggshells and our own individual hell's.
Good luck OP you still have a lot of life to go do don't waste another minute of it being unhappy.

I left one abusive boyfriend for another and ended up marrying the second one. My mother threatened to throw me out as I was pregnant and I was so stupid and broken I married him. Vile, endless accusations of cheating on him, having to account for every penny spent though he would smoke and drink, aggressive and violent.... finally left him when I found a lump in my breast and he told me that if I had cancer to fuck off and die that the kids wouldn't remember me they never loved me....

My god the walking on air when me and kids left

Took a few years to even want to look at another man but became friends with a guy and after another couple of years got together with him

20 years later still together never so much as raised his hand to me just treats me like I'm worthy of respect and love

Took me years to get over the feeling that there was something wrong with him to see me as worthy of that care... then I thought he might turn into a 2 year monster 5 year monster etc

Never happened he's laid back, lovely, trusts me implicitly and loves me unconditionally

Walk free and don't look back

Yes, I left and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I’m now married to a lovely guy, we’ve been together nearly six years and he has never once treated me disrespectfully, never shouted or called me names or anything. We have the odd disagreement but it’s always a calm discussion. If we snap at each other it’s only occasionally and we’re both quick to say sorry. I’ve never once had that awful walking on eggshells feeling with his, or felt my heart sink hearing his key in the door. It took me a lot of time to get used to all this and not automatically expect him to fly off the handle over stuff. We were friends for a long time and then got together after I’d been single for a year, we’re now married with two kids. Some days I still have to pinch myself that I’m this lucky.

I’ve been free 10 years and it was like a weight was lifted, no more treading on egg shells pretending to be happy, waiting for the next thing that would set him off.

Happiness, yes ish. I’m a single parent and. life is sometimes hard and it’s lonely. The first year was so hard, I’d left 3 times previously and he managed to talk me round by promising to change, get help. The last time was easier as he turned physical and was arrested. He was bailed to another address and not allowed to contact me and it gave me space.
I haven’t met anyone else, but that’s me. Men seem to find me invisible. I was a single parent for many years before I met my ex and I think he just wanted a servant for want of a better word.
I no longer wake up dreading the day, I have friends, a job and a life I’m content and count my blessings everyday.

I haven't read all the thread yet but I left some time ago and am a hundred percent happier.
One thing I will say is I made it a lot harder for myself by being drawn into his shit for years afterwards when I didn't need to. He used to kids as a way to manipulate situations and I fell for it because I was in a pattern of doing what he said for an easy life.

I left my most abusive ex 20 years ago, he was physically violent, emotionally and sexually abusive. It took a very long time before I stopped feeling afraid of him and afraid that he would be at my home, afraid he would snatch the kids as he threatened to. For years I woke up screaming in terror. But not any more, I still feel angry sometimes but not often and I have met a man who is unlike all the abusive ones I've known, I thought they were all the same but it turns out that they aren't. Sometimes that is difficult but I remind myself that this is what I wanted when I was fantasising about not being beaten by someone who claimed to love me. So, yes, it is possible to be happy after abusive relationships but it takes time and a LOT of work.

The replies on here sum up my experiences and feelings - thank you for being able to put into words, something I couldnt myself.

Having a wobble today. This helped me stay strong. Him being calm wont last, he's not learnt the error of his ways, I'd be ridiculous to put that hardship back into my life.

@OP
Absolutely understand the dynamics of having no one to talk to about it.
Also some insight into the difficulties Asian culture adds to leaving, as I'm from a different minority background.

It's difficult, but living as you are now is difficult too. At least leaving provides a route for things to improve. I don't think staying offers the same route to happiness

Yes, I am so happy now! But I'm going to be honest and say it took a long time and many setbacks. It was all emotional abuse with my ex but I was left with zero self confidence. It took anti depressants, CBT and a long time along (3.5 years) before I started dating and met wonderful DP. He's given me faith life can be better and I'm really happy now

No partner, don't want one, but I did stay with an abuser for over twenty years. I've been on my own (with children) for two years. I love it! I love not walking on glass, not worrying about going out and then being in a total tail spin about getting back on time. I love not being woken at 4 in the morning. I love the house being safe and that my time really is mine. No traps, no tricks. We've moved a long way from where we were and it's wonderful.

I left mine almost 9 years ago now.
I left in the clothes I stood up in and went to the police where he was arrested for DV.

Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did and lived through, he didn't make it easy. And there were times that I was really scared.

Times were rough for a long long time after but improved once the divorce was finalised.

I'm now with someone I've known since I was very young and I couldn't be happier.