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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why I am so obsessed with finding a man?

70 replies

Lallame · 12/12/2018 15:59

Hi all, NC for this as I am a bit ashamed but I am a regular poster.

I have been single for two years, and quite happily so until recently. I walked away from a 6 years relationship, no kids. I threw myself into work and got a major promotion, moved to a new country, built my life up from scratch. I bought a house and made it up as I wished. I travelled loads. I explored new hobbies, got really fit and made many new friends in the process. Last summer I also started talking to a therapist in order to work through some (relatively minor) issues that I had never properly addressed before. That is going very well and I feel I have never been so self-aware and in touch with my emotions.

In the last two years I have dated a couple of men for a few months each, nothing too serious. I really liked last man I dated for a few months and I was quite disappointed when things did not work out. That experience made me realise I was ready for a relationship and that I finally wanted one.

Since then though I have become a bit “obsessed” with the idea of finding a relationship. I am not sure why, as I have a lovely life, a job I love, I made a lot of friends in the new country I live in, I have several time consuming hobbies and I am out almost every night and weekend. It definitely feels like my life is pretty full and exciting, so I am not sure the usual advice of “focus on yourself and make your life more interesting” would apply to me. That is what I have been doing for 2 years!

Since last summer I have been online dating quite intensively and I am starting to feel a bit disheartened. I usually go on 2/3 dates a week, 99% of the times there is no spark and that's it. The more boring, unfulfilling dates I go on, the more I start wondering if I will ever fall in love again. And the more elusive finding love seems, the more I think about it. It is a vicious circle I reckon! I am a bit ashamed as I have always considered myself a strong, independent woman and I don't like the idea of being so "desperate" for a relationship.

Thanks God I am not desperate enough to lower my standards and get into a relationship with just about anyone, but still! What is happening to me?!

Does anyone else feel this way? Any tips on how to stop thinking about dating and relationships? Any words of wisdom?

Thank you!

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 12/12/2018 16:05

Be careful what you wish for. It's better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship

SushiMonster · 12/12/2018 16:08

Online dating is hard work.
Finding a good relationship is a numbers game, and needs a bit of luck involved as well.

Probably do need to see dating as a bit of a hobby and keep on at it.

Original poster

Lallame · 12/12/2018 16:22

Confused I fully agree with that!

OP posts:

GaraMedouar · 12/12/2018 16:38

I think it's down to luck, some people hit the jackpot first time OLD, others have to kiss a lot of frogs. It's good that you're not lowering your standards. I've been single 2 years, but i'm middle aged with3 kids so simply have no time(or childcare) to date. I do miss having a partner though. I've still got to do the working on myself bit. As next time I too want to keep my standards high.

Loopytiles · 12/12/2018 16:41

How old are you? Do you want DC?

2 to 3 dates a week sounds a lot, must eat into your leisure time.

Original poster

Lallame · 12/12/2018 16:43

Loopy I am 29 and yes I do want children. Not immediately, maybe in 4/5 years, but ultimately I want a family.

OP posts:

Babymamamama · 12/12/2018 16:48

Maybe join a club or group which has a good representation of males. In that way you get to know people more slowly and things can develop naturally. I never did online dating but it seems quite intense and pressurised.

floodypuddle · 12/12/2018 16:53

I found I started getting desperate when my biological clock started ticking in my ears, before that I didn't really care. Now I have a DP but we can't afford kids anyway plus I have someone loudly talking in their sleep next to me so I don't get an ounce of sleep.

Loopytiles · 12/12/2018 17:01

Could it be a coming up to 30 thing?

With dating, are you finding cultural differences an issue? I spent a year or so in the US in my twenties and despite socialising and getting asked out quite a lot (the English accent seemed popular) only met one man in the entire year I properly fancied, the night before I returned home, bah! Plenty of good looking men but found it hard to “click” and laugh with them.

Redgreencoverplant · 12/12/2018 17:11

I think that if you want DC in 4-5 years then you are being very sensible and not desperate at all. You are ready for a relationship and making efforts to make it happen. V sensible :) I agree not to settle however.

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2018 17:16

Give up the online dating and do it the 'old fashioned' way.

OLD sounds so contrived to me, I just couldn't do it.

SushiMonster · 12/12/2018 17:32

Give up the online dating and do it the 'old fashioned' way.

What is the old fashioned way?

Suziepoozie · 12/12/2018 17:46

Maybe have a small break from online dating? I was in a similar situation and was dating a lot then I just sacked it in for about six months. Went on one date and boom that was it, two years later I couldn’t be happier. You still have time, maybe just take some time to focus on yourself and not wasting time on dates. 3 dates a week must be draining

singswithitsfingers · 12/12/2018 18:08

Take a break from online dating - it’s exhausting and gets demoralising. And then maybe change the site/method you use? If using swiping apps then maybe try a more traditional site? I met my husband OLD 10 years ago so I know it does work! Good luck.

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2018 18:09

What is the old fashioned way?

Such a strange question!

The way people have been doing it for centuries.

CrabbyPatty · 12/12/2018 18:22

Not trying to sound harsh but desperation can show and put people (often men) off. I say this as someone who was single for a long time (years). I'm a few years older than you (mid 30s) but I'm now married with a baby on the way! So there's hope! I know quite a few people who have found secure relationships online dating so it is possible but equally I think there are also people out there who don't want commitment and do want sex! (Nothing wrong with that if everyone's on equal terms). You sound like you have a really full life and have done well and are an achiever so be proud of yourself and try to focus on yourself more! Maybe get a bit more picky because it sounds like you're going on an awful lot of shit dates! I agree with advice that perhaps meeting someone in a more natural setting e.g. through shared interests might be the best way forward for you.

Loopytiles · 12/12/2018 19:16

OP has said that there has been no “spark” on dates, not that she was rejected.

TooYoungToBeSoTired · 12/12/2018 19:28

2-3 dates a week? Too much. Either you’re exhausted of dating and all men seem the same now or you’re picking them wrong. You need to be more selective I think.

Original poster

Lallame · 12/12/2018 19:29

Yes sorry Crabby I meant that there was no spark mostly on my side, although a few times the lack of feeling was mutual. I don't think I am doing anything specific wrong, it's just that OLD is hard..

OP posts:

Original poster

Lallame · 12/12/2018 19:30

Tooyoung you may have a point, I am starting to suspect that I suffer from "dating fatigue"

OP posts:

decemberfrost · 12/12/2018 19:32

OMG 2-3 dates a week would wear me out.

Have a break for a few months!

decemberfrost · 12/12/2018 19:36

Oooops I see a few others have already advised that sorry.

formerbabe · 12/12/2018 19:38

You sound totally normal to me. Yes, some people are happier single but most people want to be in a happy, loving relationship even if other aspects of their life are great.

decemberfrost · 12/12/2018 19:41

@formerbabe

You sound totally normal to me. Yes, some people are happier single but most people want to be in a happy, loving relationship even if other aspects of their life are great.

This is true.

WinterfellWench · 12/12/2018 19:41

LOL I can't believe someone doesn't think there is ANY other way to meet people/date, except meeting people online like @sushimonster said!

@Lallame you need to try and meet people in real life, and steer away from online dating. The worst kind of men go online, and the vast majority are just after a shag.

I have been with DH for over 25 years, since my early 20's, but if I became single I would rather stay single than do online dating. I can't think of anything worse than that tbh. And at my age, I would only get men over 40.

And tbh, most single men over 40 are a bit tragic. They are more than likely single because their wife has left them. It's unlikely he left his wife, because I have never known a man leave his wife, unless it's for someone else. Men never leave their wives without somewhere else to go.

So the single men over 40 who are not widowed are either going to be some woman's ghastly reject, OR a man who is single and never married. And quite honestly, I wouldn't want that either, because a man like this will just be looking for a replacement mother. I have known middle aged women go online dating, and the first thing the man asks her is 'can you cook?'

Join a club or a group or a gym or ANYthing. Have to agree with @crabbypatty though, men will see desperation, and will use you and mess you about, coz they'll see that you're desperate.

You will probably meet someone when you're not looking.

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