To wonder why I am so obsessed with finding a man?

[Lallame]

Hi all, NC for this as I am a bit ashamed but I am a regular poster.

I have been single for two years, and quite happily so until recently. I walked away from a 6 years relationship, no kids. I threw myself into work and got a major promotion, moved to a new country, built my life up from scratch. I bought a house and made it up as I wished. I travelled loads. I explored new hobbies, got really fit and made many new friends in the process. Last summer I also started talking to a therapist in order to work through some (relatively minor) issues that I had never properly addressed before. That is going very well and I feel I have never been so self-aware and in touch with my emotions.

In the last two years I have dated a couple of men for a few months each, nothing too serious. I really liked last man I dated for a few months and I was quite disappointed when things did not work out. That experience made me realise I was ready for a relationship and that I finally wanted one.

Since then though I have become a bit “obsessed” with the idea of finding a relationship. I am not sure why, as I have a lovely life, a job I love, I made a lot of friends in the new country I live in, I have several time consuming hobbies and I am out almost every night and weekend. It definitely feels like my life is pretty full and exciting, so I am not sure the usual advice of “focus on yourself and make your life more interesting” would apply to me. That is what I have been doing for 2 years!

Since last summer I have been online dating quite intensively and I am starting to feel a bit disheartened. I usually go on 2/3 dates a week, 99% of the times there is no spark and that's it. The more boring, unfulfilling dates I go on, the more I start wondering if I will ever fall in love again. And the more elusive finding love seems, the more I think about it. It is a vicious circle I reckon! I am a bit ashamed as I have always considered myself a strong, independent woman and I don't like the idea of being so "desperate" for a relationship.

Thanks God I am not desperate enough to lower my standards and get into a relationship with just about anyone, but still! What is happening to me?!

Does anyone else feel this way? Any tips on how to stop thinking about dating and relationships? Any words of wisdom?

Thank you!

OLD is hard and, I think, location dependant on selection. I've posted before but where I live it's usually bald overweight men wearing footy shirts and clutching pint whose hobbies include cars, footy and kebabs. It's worse than depressing. But, as you say, lowering standards isn't an option so it's just a numbers game. I've given up and got a dog . Tbf I've probably got more chance meeting a guy out walking it than on OLD!

I was in a similar situation op just 2 years younger (27) I was in a good place In my head etc just not meeting anyone so I started OLD went on some duff dates and had some vile messages.... got into a 3 month relationship which was going well but he dumped me new years day.... I got disheartened.

About 6 months later friend convinced me to try again so I did. Again went on some dates but nothing amazing... then this one guy contacted me... he was out of my "age range" by a Few years but my friend said he looked nice so I should try.

Wind forward almost 5 years we are married with a house and children.

It's hard and it is luck but sometimes you need to take a step back and maybe not go on all the dates that come up.

Also look to see how long they have been on the site, gives you a good idea if they are serial daters!

I also didn't use a paid for OLD site, my dh did and he found there was a different type of person on them.

Just try to relax a bit and try not to force things.

@lalame I could have written your post other than I've nearly 10 years on you...

I think being happy and independent in the rest of your life makes it more difficult. I've definitely settled in the past when I've been less secure and confident. I also am coming round to the idea that I'm a bit of a catch and my standards are quite high. But I can afford to set the bar high, because I know I'm also very happy and fulfilled being single.

I OLD and on the whole I've found it a lot of fun. One of my first ever tinder dates 2 years ago is now one of my closest friends so you never know who you might meet.

You sound angry @sushimonster Hit a raw nerve did I?

Maybe meeting a nice man would help you chill a bit.

I can set you up with a lovely man I know at work if you like........

Still cannot get past you assuming there is no other way to meet a man except online. I can't believe you're serious! 😂😂

Dear Lord! You need to get out more sweetie.

@sushimonster

And YOU are the one being 'obtuse' my love, not me.

I think that PP that suggested it is time for a break from OLD were spot on. I need to take a holiday from dating

I do want children. Not immediately, maybe in 4/5 years

There's the answer to your initial question then. You want to mate and you wouldn't want to mate with someone you've only known for the minutes so you're seeking them now in advance.

I have read a lot of articles stating that people are going out less now so perhaps it is harder to meet people in the ways people used to. I have to say I can't think of anyone I know who didn't meet their partner at school, university, in work or online.

OP I was you two years ago. I had the job, the house, the friends, the hobbies...but no man! I had a string of heartbreaks behind me and a couple of years being single. 30 was approaching, as was a year of weddings for most of my close friends. I got quite desperate and did the whole multiple dates a week thing from various sites and apps. Like you, I wasn’t prepared to drop my standards but the couple of guys I did like didn’t feel the same way about me.

Looking back, I think my (understandable) panic showed through and put people off. It also clouded my vision. The final straw was when a guy I’d liked for ages kissed another girl in front of me on NYE. I felt like it was a sign saying I was going to be single forever!

My way of taking action was to explore why I was so panicked. I realised it was to do with the ticking biological clock. So I decided to plan for the worst case scenario. I accepted I probably would never find anyone and started planning my future on that basis - looked into how to have kids on my own, looked into jobs that would allow more flexibility for time off etc, looked at areas where I could afford a bigger house on my own. Once I had the plan in place I felt so calm! I actually genuinely started looking forward to this life of complete independence!

And then of course I met “the one”. I honestly wasn’t looking any more at all. A friend of mine told me one of her friends had recently split up with his gf and she wanted to set us up. I only said yes as I thought he’d be after a rebound date rather than a relationship.

So my advice is to take a complete step back. Make alternative plans for children so that panic is removed and continue with all the hobbies :-)

Conker you make a good point. Maybe I should just start planning for a life on my own so the panic will go away.

Instead I always look at what I have as a "temporary" arrangement, for example my place is too small for a family so I always assume I will move elsewhere when I meet the one, etc etc.

Yes, that’s exactly how I felt - all was temporary until I met the one. It feels so great to take back control over your future and that confidence will shine through too!

I didn't have that 'spark' when I met my husband, we were friends for ages before I realised we wanted more from the relationship. Been together for 18 years, still happy, make each other laugh every day and have fun together. In my opinion it is important that a couple are friends first and really get to know each other. Prior to this I dated lots and gave up if there was no spark, so don't give up too soon OP. Good luck with your search! x

Putting on my Patti matchmaker hat on
1.What exactly are you looking for if we could give you your dream man, in details what are exactly those standards?

so far:
Strong personality
Humour
can be unconventionally attractive
Intelligent..

What about if he has kids, divorced, what age, a certain height, a certain earning potential, a certain race or nationality? etc etc

Were you ever in a long term relation? was there ever a man you felt you could commit to and then what happened?

Betty this is fun

1.What exactly are you looking for if we could give you your dream man, in details what are exactly those standards?

so far:
Strong personality
Humour
can be unconventionally attractive
Intelligent..

I tend to be attracted to men with a professional career, as this means we have comparable lifestyles and ambitions. I don't care for money or luxuries, although I'd be wary about marrying someone not financially solvent.

What about if he has kids, divorced, what age, a certain height, a certain earning potential, a certain race or nationality? etc etc

Although you can never say never, I'd prefer to find a man without children. I am conscious of how challenging being a step-parent is and I am not sure I'd be up for that. Race and nationality are not relevant to me at all, I haven't dated anyone from my home country in a decade. Don't care about height either. My age range is 28-40, so pretty flexible I think!

Were you ever in a long term relation? was there ever a man you felt you could commit to and then what happened?

I was in a committed relationship for 6 years, from age 21 to age 27. We lived together for 3 years. I walked away as I realized I had fallen out of love with him and that I was unhappy in the relationship. We are still good friends.

Totally agree with pp who said marriage and kids are overrated. I'd stay as free as a bird if I could do it all again. You are making a mistake if you think your life is lacking as it is. It sounds fabulous.

I've found the same, that it can be an obsession.

I think it's less about "you cant be happy without a man!" and more that most other goals in life are a case of "decide it, put the work in, achieve it". Not happy with where you live? Move! Want to be fitter? Do it! Hate your job? Get a new job! You've made so many changes in your life because you decided that's what you wanted, you made it happen.

Dating doesn't work like that, you can see people around you finding relationships easily or being happily married without putting in half the effort you are, and you still don't get what you know you want. You can feel there's some secret magic extra "thing" you're not doing that no-one will tell you about.
Conceiving and carrying to term a child is another one, and I think that's why that too can become an utterly consuming obsession.

Not many things in life really truly boil down to "it's essentially luck" but this is one of them.

@stormtreader so agree with that!

Yes.. true. I can make other things happen. I dont feel powerless. But relationships dont happen to me

I'm not knocking online dating, as some of my friends have found happiness that way, but the odds of meeting a life partner that way must be very small? I would suggest trying not to appear desperate, and to try to enlarge your circle of friends.
Best of luck.

Following this. Although I have a child already. I am your age though and still worry about not finding the right person. I feel people our age are now settling down and buying a house getting married having a family. So I guess it makes it feel like we aren't getting anywhere but really like PP have said alot of it comes down to luck and being somewhere at the right time. I don't like OLD most people will find the 1.