To wonder why I am so obsessed with finding a man?

[Lallame]

Hi all, NC for this as I am a bit ashamed but I am a regular poster.

I have been single for two years, and quite happily so until recently. I walked away from a 6 years relationship, no kids. I threw myself into work and got a major promotion, moved to a new country, built my life up from scratch. I bought a house and made it up as I wished. I travelled loads. I explored new hobbies, got really fit and made many new friends in the process. Last summer I also started talking to a therapist in order to work through some (relatively minor) issues that I had never properly addressed before. That is going very well and I feel I have never been so self-aware and in touch with my emotions.

In the last two years I have dated a couple of men for a few months each, nothing too serious. I really liked last man I dated for a few months and I was quite disappointed when things did not work out. That experience made me realise I was ready for a relationship and that I finally wanted one.

Since then though I have become a bit “obsessed” with the idea of finding a relationship. I am not sure why, as I have a lovely life, a job I love, I made a lot of friends in the new country I live in, I have several time consuming hobbies and I am out almost every night and weekend. It definitely feels like my life is pretty full and exciting, so I am not sure the usual advice of “focus on yourself and make your life more interesting” would apply to me. That is what I have been doing for 2 years!

Since last summer I have been online dating quite intensively and I am starting to feel a bit disheartened. I usually go on 2/3 dates a week, 99% of the times there is no spark and that's it. The more boring, unfulfilling dates I go on, the more I start wondering if I will ever fall in love again. And the more elusive finding love seems, the more I think about it. It is a vicious circle I reckon! I am a bit ashamed as I have always considered myself a strong, independent woman and I don't like the idea of being so "desperate" for a relationship.

Thanks God I am not desperate enough to lower my standards and get into a relationship with just about anyone, but still! What is happening to me?!

Does anyone else feel this way? Any tips on how to stop thinking about dating and relationships? Any words of wisdom?

Thank you!

What is the old fashioned way?

Flirt and hope the bloke asked you out?

I went through a long period of disappointment with OLD. Then one day I logged on, saw a new profile that looked very interesting, well written and with the same long term relationship goals as myself. So I mustered up a bit of courage and asked him out, sight unseen (no digital photos back in those days). He accepted. He turned out to be very attractive and a lovely person.

We're happily married for 21 years now with two great kids, one just off to uni this fall. You might benefit from taking a break and being a bit more selective but ultimately it is a numbers game and a bit of luck. You stop when you've found what you're looking for.

I’ve never done it buuuutOLD seems so contrived and pressurised! I’m not surprised you’re feeling drained. If I was you, I would make it my mission to be very busy in activities that involve meeting lots of new men. For example, socialising as much as possible with friends of friends, taking an evening class/ a few shifts of evening work in something different / volunteering on a new project or some such. It depends what your current hobbies are of course but they may not be conducive to finding dates. I always used to get asked out in the strangest places - drinking a coffee out in a café on the go or in the library scouting some specific book or even just out shopping - but I often make eye contact and smile/ initiate conversations with new people in a friendly way.

You will probably meet someone when you're not looking

Nonsense.

All my coupled up friends actively sought out a partner. So did I. My friend who didn't and thought it would just happen is still single.

@formerbabe No it's NOT nonsense. It may be for you, but many people meet 'the one' when they stop looking. I met MY husband when I wasn't looking, and my best friend met hers too when SHE wasn't expecting it and was not actively seeking a partner. Also my neighbour; she met her boyfriend last year after 10 years of being single, when she was not even looking.

Many people do. Just coz it has never happened to you, does not make it 'nonsense.'

2/3 dates a week is a lot. How often do the dates turn into second dates? Maybe halve the number of first dates but unless there’s a very good reason not to have a second date, give it longer.
*very good reasons for me would be racist, sexist, face or finger tattoos, very borish (I’d tolerated slightly borish as it could be nerves)

Online dating is grim as fuck. I would stay single for life before doing that.

I'm not saying it had to be online dating...there are lots of ways and places to meet men but you do have to put yourself out there to up your chances.

there are lots of ways and places to meet men but you do have to put yourself out there to up your chances.

Exactly. I was living in a very small town at the time and for me one of the benefits of OLD was expanding my possibilities geographically. The guy I met and eventually married lived about 40 minutes away, which was a right PITA but manageable and I never would have met him otherwise.

As you said you have pretty much sorted your life.
Could it be you've ticked off your to do list and now looking for a serious relationship?
As others have said lay off the old and get out there.
I met my husband after a string of disasters! I actually said to myself right no more. I'm happy being single for a bit and along he came.

Op, when you talk of travelling, moving, getting your house done. I want to leave home, my marriage and do this!

Can I ask what your hobbies are. I’m so inspired.

I honestly think marriage and kids are overrated

Thank you bottomplasters, I am glad you found my story interesting!

Currently I do Pilates 3 times a week, run with a running club once a week (trail running in the woods), I study German once a week and I join a book club at work once a week. It helps a lot that I work for a great company (think along the lines of Google, but it is not Google!) which offers a lot of opportunities for interesting activities and socialization.

When I am home in the eve I try to read and watch movies/ series that somehow inspire or stimulate me.

What sort of men do you like?

I like all the "I've been blissfully married for 20 years, but IF I did find myself single, I wouldn't be touching dating sites with a barge pole" posts.

How is this even remotely helpful

For me brain and humour are the most attractive features a man can have. I need someone with a strong personality.

Looks wise I don't have a type and in the past I have been interested in men who were not conventionally attractive, because of their personality and intelligence.

I think internet dating makes you obsessed.

I stopped and started listening to clips about laws of the universe, how to increase my charisma, all of that sort of thing. I feel happier not trying.

I think internet dating makes you obsessed.

I think you may have a point Cup!

ps I say internet dating makes you obsessed because I've been there! I don't mean you. I mean it made me feel like i was failing. I was looking for something that was supposedly available at a click but all i met were entitled men who turned their noses up at me. absolute nightmare that made me feel like a failure and reminded me of what I was looking for and NOT finding. Now that I'm not looking I'm not constantly thinking about what I'm not finding. Much happier.

Do you do outdoors stuff? Meet up that go walking?

No one at work?

Online dating is a numbers. Challenge yourself to a 100 dates and I bet you find one prince!

Have to agree about people coming along when you least expect it.

I also met my husband when I least expected it and wasn't looking. I had been like the OP, quite desperate to meet someone and have a boyfriend (in my early 20's,) and I spent 3 years single, and only had half a dozen dates (which were all awful tbh.) I was living in a big city during that time, and had no luck at all. So i gave up and thought 'bollocks to men!''

Came back to my home town, and a week after moving back, I was having a coffee in a local cafe, and it was packed. I saw a man standing about with his mother looking for a seat. I shifted across the 2 person table I was on that had 2 seats, and said 'you can both sit here if you want; I'll get the waiter to fetch another stool.'

Long story short, a year later, me and the guy were living together - a mile from his lovely mother, and 3 years later we were married.

So yeah, it can happen when you're least expecting it.

Join a cycling club. There are loads of men there! Careful what you wish for though - men aren't all they're cracked up to be!!!!

I met my partner online. Previous to that I could only be bothered with one date every 6 months. Has there been anyone you've liked but thought there was no spark? Just wondering whether you're giving chance to let an attraction build for a change rather than the spark being there immediately? I completely get that some people need to feel that straight away, just that I'm the opposite I fancy people once I get to know them?

You don't sound 'desperate' at all. I'm in the same boat OP. Im 28 and hoping to start a family in the next few years if I ever find Mr Right!
I've been OLD for a few months now and have decided to take a break from it as I'm sick of the same people and tedious chit chat that doesn't go anywhere. Also found that the guys I did end up meeting were hiding massive red flags.
I'm now trying a new strategy of spending more time myself at coffee shops etc without a phone or book in my hand and inviting conversations.. I've spoken to a couple of friendly guys but can't say it's went further than a chat about special Christmas lattes.
It's soo hard! Don't give up though, what's for you won't go past you and all that jazz lol sometimes you meet the right person when you stop trying

I thought there was something wrong with me when I was OLD. I went on loads of dates with perfectly nice, normal, eligible men who seemed to like me and want to see me again. I felt absolutely nothing.

I then went on a date with my now boyfriend (from Tinder of all places) and I can only describe it like being run over.
I’m 35, I settled for a shit man when I was 31 because I was in a hurry to settle down and that wasted 3 years of my life, 4 if you count the year getting over it.

Maybe have a break over Christmas, then have another try. Don’t settle, there’ll be someone who blows you away. Whether you meet them through a hobby, in a bar or online.

Don’t be so stupid @WinterfellWench you’re purposely being obtuse and it doesn’t suit.

Of course there are many many ways to meet people except online, however I’m interested in what the ‘old fashioned way’ is. Snogging random men in the disco? Your parents introducing you? Meeting a nice man at work?

The OP already does all the great things single people are ‘meant’ to do - have hobbies, see friends etc. She’s moved cities and jobs. Why not stack the odds a bit more in her favour of actively meeting men who are single and want a relationship, rather than hoping to randomly bump into one on the street?

As you want a marriage and children (I think I read), it’s natural that you’re getting serious about finding a partner. Can’t have the traditional form of those things without the husband. And there’s a time limit on it, so it seems reasonable to be getting slightly obsessed/focused at this point. Not shameful at all.

You seems a successful person, and possibly a bit intimidating. Women, in my experience, generally want the “better” man. Maybe he earns more, seems more intelligent, more responsible, more socially confident, or something along those lines. The pool of men that meet your standards is probably not the largest, so it might just take time.

In addition, standards can be too high. I think OLD can put you into a mindset of checking off boxes, especially as you “interview” so many men. You get an idea of a perfect man - humour like this guy, intelligence of that guy, looks of that guy - but really, the most important thing, IMO, is that you have the same values and goals. Other things can be negotiated.