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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to check everything was ok?

55 replies

Alpacaface · 12/12/2018 09:57

Will keep this as short as I can...
Walking along the street this morning, a man was coming towards me holding a boy's hand (boy about 3/4 to). Boy was crying and saying repeatedly "I want daddy" and the man kept saying "daddy's at work". We walked past eachother, but I felt uneasy so I ran back and said "excuse me, but I just wanted to check everything is ok, because this child his crying for his daddy" The man picked up the boy and started to explain, in a friendly tone, that he is the boy's dad, told me his address and said I could check if I liked. I said I'm sure that wasn't necessary, I just wanted to make sure everything was fine. By this time the boy had stopped crying. But then, also in a friendly tone, he said "I think that was really rude to be honest". I was quite taken aback, and as they walked off I said "I apologize, but if a child is shouting for their Daddy I can't just ignore it". For one thing I don't think I was rude, I was perfectly friendly. However, I'm willing to risk being rude if I have any concerns about a child's safety. But what do other people think? Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
lizzie1970a · 12/12/2018 10:03

It's good to check but the story didn't add up to what you heard yet you accepted it so what was the point? The boy was saying "I want daddy" and the man said "daddy is at work" which made you think the man he was with wasn't daddy but then the man said he was the dad and you just accepted that. If he had snatched the child what good did you do? You just believed what he told you despite hearing something to the contrary and got called rude.

Original poster
Alpacaface · 12/12/2018 10:04

Sorry, should clarify in case it wasn't obvious...the man explained the boy was crying for his other Daddy -same sex parents - so I had no reason to believe he was lying about being his dad once he explained

OP posts:
Howdoyoudoit31 · 12/12/2018 10:04

And how did his story add up? It didn’t.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 12/12/2018 10:05

Your update makes more sense.

Lots of children cry though. I don’t think he owed you an explanation. I wouldn’t of gave one.

CantWaitToRetire · 12/12/2018 10:09

It wasn’t rude to challenge and more people should have the courage to do so when they have genuine concerns. However if you’ve had the nerve to ask, you may as well challenge further if the story didn’t add up to what you’d heard or else it was a waste of effort. If the man said he was the father, why did you not question what you’d heard him say to the child?

Tryingtothinkofaclevername · 12/12/2018 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Racecardriver · 12/12/2018 10:13

That’s really wasn’t rude but I imagine you got his back up because he’s a minority and he probably gets all kinds heteronormative assumptions thrown his way now that he’s a parent which must get tiresome. I’m sure he went hone and was actually glad that you asked.

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 12/12/2018 10:17

If I was walking along the road trying to keep a tantruming child under control and had some stranger run up and question me in the midst of it I wouldn't have been so polite.

It meant nothing anyway because he could have fed you a whole lot of bullshit if he wanted and you had no way to confirm or deny anything.

StrongTea · 12/12/2018 10:20

You were wise to check. Better safe than sorry.

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2018 10:20

Yeah you were rude. It's also not really your business. A kidnapper would have lied to you anyway so you're not going to achieve anything.

RandomObject · 12/12/2018 10:20

Yeah I don't really understand the point of doing this - he is hardly going to say 'no I don't know this child at all. I'm kidnapping him'

Pachyderm1 · 12/12/2018 10:24

I think he’s entitled to consider you rude. Most parents in his position would! But isn’t that the risk you accept?

No parent is going to thank you for suggesting they’re an abductor, but you want to be a good citizen and speak up when you think something might be wrong, so you accept that sometimes you’re doing something you feel is morally right, and simultaneously being rude. But you feel the rudeness is worth it, right?

Just accept that you were rude but sometimes it’s worth being rude if it means you’re doing the right thing! The dad in this scenario doesn’t have to be understanding or grateful, because that isn’t why you did what you did.

Houseonahill · 12/12/2018 10:24

Thing is he could of said anything "I'm his other dad" "I'm his uncle" "I'm a kidnapper" and you would have had no way to know if he was telling the truth so not sure it was wrong but not sure what you hoped to achieve because if he was a kidnapper I doubt he's going to say "ah you caught me! Here you go"

MaryofMislethwaiteManor · 12/12/2018 10:30

Would you have been so eager to check if it was a woman and he was crying for his mummy or would you have assumed that the person was simply a child carer?

I do think you were a bit rude, you made an assumption. If the man had have been an abductor he was hardly going to say ‘yeah you got me!’ was he?

ThisIsWhatItSoundsLike · 12/12/2018 10:35

Lots of children cry though. I don’t think he owed you an explanation. I wouldn’t of gave one.

If you've ever watched the Jamie burger case you would realise how many people saw Jamie and were concerned for him but didn't intervene.
I'm not saying this would have helped save him at all; those other boys could still have told lies about the situation.
As a parent I do not think it unreasonable at all to challenge an adult with a distressed child.
As a parent I would explain myself and would be grateful someone is looking out for the welfare of my child.
The safety of my children holds massively above my self righteousness.
Good on you OP not an easy thing to do I applaud you XX

kaitlinktm · 12/12/2018 10:36

So, what should we do if we think there is a problem? Is it best not to interact with the adult? I don't understand what else the OP could or should have done. Confused

DrinkingTeaLikeTonyBenn · 12/12/2018 10:37

Regardless of whether the man was bullshitting he would now know that he has been spotted with this child and that the OP will be making a mental note of date, location, appearance etc. just in case. I think that would put off most people from doing anything untoward on that occasion at least.

Alfie190 · 12/12/2018 10:40

Seems more pointless than anything seeing as you didn't follow through and would have essentially accepted any explanation.

Original poster
Alpacaface · 12/12/2018 10:41

Thanks for the feedback everyone, seems like a mixed bag. Thank you @Racecardriver that was my hope. To the people who wondered what I achieved by asking as the man could have lied...I take your point however at least I challenged him, and would recognise him again by speaking with him if it was the worst case scenario. And yes I asked myself if I would do the same if it had been a woman and I don't know ..I hope so?

OP posts:
Hidillyho · 12/12/2018 10:44

It’s difficult because I think any parent would be taken aback being questioned over their child in this circumstance. I would probably be quite abrupt if my daughter was crying for her daddy because it’s usually followed by her either being told off for something or her not getting her way so maybe stressed anyway.
My daughter constantly cries for her dad. She is a real daddies girl at the moment.

I don’t think you really did anything wrong though

RandomObject · 12/12/2018 10:45

My old neighbour was one of those who saw Jamie Bulger in the hours before he died. She DID try and intervene as he was crying. His kidnappers told her he was their little brother and they were taking him home. Haunted her for the rest of her life and obviously made not a jot of difference to his fate.

pinkdelight · 12/12/2018 10:45

I don't know why people were saying it's pointless. If the man was lying and it was an abduction attempt, at least the kid would have had a chance to appeal to the OP. I think OP was brave and did the right thing. Course it's a minefield with people having two dads and I guess that's why he felt sensitive about it and called her rude, but absolutely better safe than sorry in this case.

londonmummy1966 · 12/12/2018 10:49

I think you did the right thing OP. Can you imagine how you would have felt if the child was abducted and you read about it later? To those saying that you just accepted the story, if the child was being abducted he would have had the opportunity to say so to you. If you were polite in your questions then I don't think you were being rude and even if the man felt you were, there are occasions where it is more important to do the right thing than to be scrupulously polite.

pinkdelight · 12/12/2018 10:50

Also -

"Would you have been so eager to check if it was a woman and he was crying for his mummy or would you have assumed that the person was simply a child carer?"

Perhaps she might have assumed this - based on the fact that the majority of childcarers are female. Such assumptions don't automatically mean someone had an insidious homophobic agenda. Jeez. She made a judgement call and put the child's interests first.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 12/12/2018 10:52

The best way to think of it is would you have gone back and asked if it was a woman and the child was crying for mummy? If yes then fair enough 🤷‍♀️