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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to check everything was ok?

55 replies

Alpacaface · 12/12/2018 09:57

Will keep this as short as I can...
Walking along the street this morning, a man was coming towards me holding a boy's hand (boy about 3/4 to). Boy was crying and saying repeatedly "I want daddy" and the man kept saying "daddy's at work". We walked past eachother, but I felt uneasy so I ran back and said "excuse me, but I just wanted to check everything is ok, because this child his crying for his daddy" The man picked up the boy and started to explain, in a friendly tone, that he is the boy's dad, told me his address and said I could check if I liked. I said I'm sure that wasn't necessary, I just wanted to make sure everything was fine. By this time the boy had stopped crying. But then, also in a friendly tone, he said "I think that was really rude to be honest". I was quite taken aback, and as they walked off I said "I apologize, but if a child is shouting for their Daddy I can't just ignore it". For one thing I don't think I was rude, I was perfectly friendly. However, I'm willing to risk being rude if I have any concerns about a child's safety. But what do other people think? Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

3timeslucky · 12/12/2018 10:53

Why was the boy calling for his dad if the man was his dad? Why was the man saying his dad was at work if he was the dad? That's really odd.

I think you were reasonable to ask. I don't think it was rude. What he said by way of explanation made no sense.

senua · 12/12/2018 10:53

I think that it is right to question.

One time DH was mucking about (doing 'scary monsters' in a fairly quiet and remote place) and a young man intervened. We explained (I think, perhaps, that he hadn't seen me) and he was very embarrassed. I said, "not at all. I'd rather that you intervened and were wrong than walked past on the other side."
Wouldn't most parents?

RandomObject · 12/12/2018 10:55

I think accusations of misandry/homophobia are misplaced. Most would be more likely to suspect a man in this situation than a woman, for the same reason most would be less concerned to be walking in a dark alley with a woman.

Bobbybear10 · 12/12/2018 10:55

I always hate these threads!

What’s the point in asking? Do you think a child murderer is going to hold his hands up and say ‘fair cop, I was abducting him here you go have him back’
They would feed you some believable bullshit and you would toddle on your merry way.

All asking does is make parents feel even worse when they are struggling with their child’s behaviour, or a criminal more desperate to get rid of said child as he has now been recognised with the them.

You’re not going to stop a child being abducted by confronting the supposed abductor and asking if everything is ok.

The best thing to do If you really believe there is a problem is phone the police while following discretely, preferably with another member of the public. Take in as much detail as you can about the person, child and any vehicle they get into.

Soubriquet · 12/12/2018 10:58

Tbh, after what happened to my ds on Sunday I would be glad someone spoke up.

Politely of course

Yes they won’t say “I’m a kidnapper” but by talking to them, you can now identify them and it may make them drop the child’s hand to run

RandomObject · 12/12/2018 10:58

So you can't approach someone because it will make them feel bad, but it's fine to stalk and call the police on random people?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/12/2018 11:00

It’s not rude to check. I think you did the right thing OP. About 4/5 different people walked past James Bulger, one lady even asked if he was ok. Imagine how they felt giving evidence in court. Personally I’d rather someone approached me than walked by if they though something wasn’t right.

FrenchJunebug · 12/12/2018 11:02

I am sorry but you were rude. Would you have done the same thing if it was a woman with the child?! My son ask for his mummy when he is upset even if I am with him!

Bobbybear10 · 12/12/2018 11:04

Honestly what do you think will happen if you stop and ask a child murderer/abductor if everything is ok?

It’s incredibly naive to think they will just turn round and fess up or drop the child’s hand and give him back.
You will make him more desperate.

Bobbybear10 · 12/12/2018 11:08

About 4/5 different people walked past James Bulger, one lady even asked if he was ok.

That’s the whole point she asked if he was ok which didn’t actually help at all. It didn’t stop something terrible happening.

If she had asked another member of the public to help her and explained what she thought was happening and DISCREETLY followed while getting a bigger picture of what was happening she could’ve then phoned the police.

spellcheckbot · 12/12/2018 11:12

@Howdoyoudoit31

It's "I wouldn't have given one"

Wouldn't of doesn't exist, it's "wouldn't have", therefore you need to use the past tense "have given" as "have gave" doesn't make sense.

O819bridetob · 12/12/2018 11:18

*Honestly what do you think will happen if you stop and ask a child murderer/abductor if everything is ok?

It’s incredibly naive to think they will just turn round and fess up or drop the child’s hand and give him back*

But had it of turned into the worst case scenario, op would have got a good look at his face, maybe be able to identify any scars. His accent, and so forth. Instead of just "oh yeah I seen him! Maybe he was wearing blue. It could have been green" 🤷‍♀️

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 12/12/2018 11:25

I think ypu did the right thing OP. Who cares if he thought it rude. He should have been grateful that someone would want to check? British people are far too 'polite' Anything could have been happenong there.
Even if he was a dodgy character, surely it would have given the child an oppurtunity to ask for help or if something didnt seem right, I for one would be following them to an address or vehicle and taking note.

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 12/12/2018 11:26

excuse my dodgy spelling, have a wiggly toddler on my lap x

letsdolunch321 · 12/12/2018 11:26

Damned if you do ask, damned if you don’t ask if the man is related to the child.

Personally I would have asked the question.

penisbeakerfan1 · 12/12/2018 11:28

I think you sound horribly homophobic and sexist. You should have known that there are lots of same sex relationships out there and not jumped to conclusions. Also,I doubt you would have bothered to say anything if it was a woman and the child was screaming for his mummy.

Iknowthatguy · 12/12/2018 11:29

Its a hard one really. My 2yo was apparently screaming for me when DH took him for a hair cut at the week. Quite often small children cry for the other parent so not sure what I'd do

gnushoes · 12/12/2018 11:29

Not homophobic to ask - there are very few two-daddy families atm. I also think not rude to ask either - it's about being concerned for the child. What good it might do is another matter.

Birdsgottafly · 12/12/2018 11:29

I normally watch what's going on, until it adds up. I've never had to ask an Adult but would, if necessary.

Only because, being in Liverpool, James Bulger is always in our thoughts.

There's been other attempted abductions which have been prevented because once questioned, the perpetrator has panicked and ran, without the child

CleanBee · 12/12/2018 11:34

Would you have been so eager to check if it was a woman and he was crying for his mummy or would you have assumed that the person was simply a child carer?

All right, I'll be the one to say it.

Children are far more likely to be abducted by men than by women. Men commit the majority of assaults/sexual assaults, by far.

Bobbybear10 · 12/12/2018 11:34

“But had it of turned into the worst case scenario, op would have got a good look at his face, maybe be able to identify any scars. His accent, and so forth. Instead of just "oh yeah I seen him! Maybe he was wearing blue. It could have been green" 🤷‍♀️“

Had OP followed at a discrete distance she would’ve also worked out the direction they were heading, where they actually went, any accents, clothes, limps etc. She could’ve been on the phone to the police at the time answering any questions they had in real time. She could assess the situation and if it became desperate enough for her to intervene with the police knowing exactly what was happening. Had she stopped another member of the public she would also have back up in case it all became very dangerous.

OR she may have followed for a couple of minutes and worked out the boys father was having huge trouble with his son being a little sod and felt utter relief she didn’t add to the fathers distress and a big dollop of pity for the misbehaving DC’s dad.

People seem to think it happens like on telly and if you confront the bad man he will run away. Not only is an abductor or murderer a clearly unhinged person they are fucking dangerous and probably much more intelligent than you imagine. They will absolutely make you believe whatever story they decide to feed you.

SleepySofa · 12/12/2018 11:35

I think an abductor MIGHT think twice about continuing the abduction if there was a witness who could identify him. And I have a friend who has a child with her wife, and they are Mummy and Momma, so I can believe the child might cry for Daddy when with his other dad, who could be eg Poppa. My toddler often cries for his Dad if he's with me and vice versa,even if he's just tantrumming. But at the same time, I'm not sure how effective accosting someone is, really. I don't know, OP.

Justaboy · 12/12/2018 11:37

I think on balance you did right if i'd have been that man I'd have thought that well at least someone gives a damm!

I'd ask the MN crew this though similar "ish" circumstances.

Some years ago now I was driving out near a village and I saw a young child of around five years by herself it didnt seem right. So i stopped as it was raining i thought that i'd ask her inot the car but perhaps best if i didnt and got out instead.

It turned out that there was a farmhouse a little way away not visible from hte road and she had come from there it was quite complicated what had gone worng a collection of mis-understandings. I didnt have a phone with me but flagged down a passing vehicle who did and they called the police a few moments later another vehicle stopped and it was obvious they knew who the girl was and where she was from and i left it at that.

Course these days would anyone have stopped for fear of getting into bother after all a single man with a young girl around?.

Lilicat1013 · 12/12/2018 11:39

I'm glad you asked.

Both my children are severely autistic, on one occasion my husband was walking my son across a car park. My son didn't want to leave the place we were so was shouting and resisting. I watching a woman watching them clearly debating whether or not to intervene. As they got to the car she stepped forward. I called across at this point and asked my husband if he needed help getting him to to the car seat. Seeing me with my younger son in the pushchair made the situation clearer to her and she could see it was a family having a difficult day rather than a kidnapping.

I appreciate she cared enough to watch out for my son, that she was looking out for him. I would be happy to explain to concerned members of the public each and every time my children have a public meltdown we are the parents and there is nothing to worry about. Both boys are a flight risk, if they were to get away from us we would hope good people were looking out for them rather than opting not to get involved.

velourvoyageur · 12/12/2018 11:43

Bloody hell, he could choose to be offended (which in the end is a negative emotion that only makes his day that bit worse - saying this as a gay person myself) or he could be glad that there are strangers out there who care about his child enough to risk an awkward situation and check suspicions out. OP clearly only had good intentions. Don't see how rudeness could apply here in any case, maybe being interfering, but not rude - how is it rude not to automatically trust a stranger? Respect is automatic, trust is earned.

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