To go back to work at 12weeks pp to get away from my baby

[meetthecreature]

I know IABU and I hate myself for thinking this way. I have a beautiful 6 week old DS and a 4yo. I have PND and am on the waiting list for support.

I had 2 hours (broken) sleep last night. DS has screamed all morning. DH is lovely and supportive but is out of the house at work from 7am until 7pm/8pm five days a week. I spend all day on my own with the baby and only really leave the house to do the school run for older DC. Our evenings are spent taking it in turns to pace around with or rock DS while he screams. I feel as though there is no enjoyment in my life and nothing to look forward to.

I love my children. I really do. They were both very much planned and wanted. But right now I want to get in my car, drive as far away as possible and never come back. I won't, obviously. But I want to.

We had planned for me to have 9months off work but I am now seriously considering going back when DS is 3 months old just to get a break from the relentless screaming, feeding, changing, winding cycle and because I am desperate to feel like myself again. Work is stressful and demanding but at least I know who I am at work. I don't recognise this new person who sits glued to the sofa all day and gets anxious to the point of tears about something as trivial as a trip to the supermarket. But then what if I can't cope at work and it makes things worse?

Thank you for reading. I don't really know what I'm looking for from posting this. I just want it to stop.

Have you spoken to your doctor? I think it would be a good idea. Thinking of you as I remember well how you are feeling

Sorry I just read you are on waiting list. Do you have any friends/ family who can help you a bit?

Sucks, doesn’t it.
Could you try to beat yourself up a bit less for feeling like this? When I had CBT after DS was born they pointed out it doubled up on my negative experience iyswim because I felt bad AND I felt bad about feeling bad.
I went back to work at 6 months which was terrific but also DS started sleeping well around then, so I’m not sure which made the bigger difference.

OP I wrote an almost identical post just under 3 years ago. In the end I did make it to the end of my 9 month ML and I am glad that I did but it was the hardest period of my life. The thing that kept me from going back was the fact that I was so sleep deprived I wouldn't have been able to do my job.

Oh God, you poor love, you're really in the horrors. This is going to get so much better, probably soon. It's really bloody grim at first, especially if you have pnd (obviously) and you're not a bad person for wanting to escape. It is going to improve though.
From a practical point of view, would you even be able to get childcare in the UK for a 12 week old? Also, I'm not sure it would help the depression, especially with no sleep. You'd be doing a 24 hour shift.
For me, what helped - slowly - was getting out and seeing that nothing that bad would happen (I was so scared about things going wrong if I was out of the house), and also getting as much help as I could. Can you ask friends, family, anyone to come take the baby for half an hour even so you can go for a walk alone? Where are you? If you're anywhere near Brixton, I'll come over!
Also, maybe see your doctor again? Have you got medication or anything?

You are not a bad person. I had my DD when we had very little paid mat leave over 6 months, so most people returned to work much earlier than they do today. I was suffering from PND and I discussed going back to work when she was 4 months old.

Is there any way that your DP could take some leave and split it between you?

Hi. This sounds like a complete nightmare but I'm not sure whether going back to work would just add to your load at the moment. Even getting ready for work would be difficult and you might struggle at work on such low sleep.

The amount of screaming sounds like there maybe reflux or something else involved, if you could resolve that and have a better amount of sleep you'd probably feel better although obviously it's not going to resolve your Pnd. I would suggest trying to make an emergency Gp appt today for both issues.

Could you afford to put baby in nursery for a couple of short sessions per week to give you some breathing space but not working . Some nurseries do take at 12 weeks or have you got any friends or family who might help.

I would tell your Dh how terrible you feel. He may need to take a couple of days off work to support you and allow you to sleep.

I know this is trite but I did find getting out the house to baby groups really helped break the day up. I liked the activity based ones where you didn't have to make much small talk if you didn't want to.
You will get through this. X

The sleep deprivation will be a huge factor here and that won't get better just because you go back to work. I remember being my most exhausted and lowest at 5/6 weeks. Can you get DH more heavily involved at night? Even if you are breastfeed can he help settle etc? Is there any way you can have a break from the baby e.g. DH take some annual leave or call on a visitor? I used to struggle much more by Thurs/Fri by the time DH had been at work for most of the week.

You don't need to stick to 9 months off but equally you may feel a bit more positive in a week or so. They can change rapidly at that age. Maybe just park the decision for a week or two and see how you feel.

Gosh that sounds awful. do you know why he is screaming? Could you get further support for that, if it’s reflux or something? If it’s colic isn’t that supposed to stop at around 12 weeks?

Does your baby have colic? It sounds like it. Have you got a sling? At least you could have your hands free while pacing up and down.
I nearly lost my mind with my eldest who had colic and reflux and I got PND.
Can your partner let you have a nap at the weekend? Do your supermarket shopping online if you can.
What helped with me was forcing myself to go out and meet other mums and getting a kip whenever humanly possible. Also watching box sets to take my mind off things.
It's so hard, I totally understand. I'm not sure going back to work will help as if you aren't getting much sleep it might be even harder.

12 weeks is still early days and being alone during the day for so long is hard, never mind with a screaming baby.
I remember those hours well and by 2 are teens+. Just reading your posts brings all those feelings back but, you know what, I'm still here and I'm still sane although others may disagree

Firstly, these are some of the things I did to survive.

• Try and get out of the house, even if it's only a walk around the block. The screaming is somehow easier to deal with in the open air and you'll often find dog walkers to pass the time of day with, especially if you go at roughly the same time, you'll see familiar faces and you'll become a regular yourself.
• Go and sit in a cafe for an hour with a hot chocolate, DS might give you a bit of respite in a different environment.
• Will he settle better in a sling?
• We got one of those automatic swinging chairs - godsend.
• Later on when he's older, try short spells in a baby bouncer.
• Try a baby group. If mum's and tots isn't your thing, then maybe there is something more structured such as music group or perhaps try a baby massage class.
• we also did controlled crying which sorted out the not settling at bed time - something you could try in a few months time.

Secondly, tell your GP or HV that you are struggling. It's not a failure to ask for help and, if they think you have PND, short term medication will help you get back onto a more even keel. Your body has been through 9 months of physical and hormonal changes and it takes more than a few weeks to recover. You can also get DS checked over to make sure there isn't a reason for the constant crying. Unfortunately, slme babies are just made that way, but at least you'll know theres nothing wrong.

Thirdly, talk to your DH. Perhaps he can do more at the weekends to give you some protected me time.

A screaming baby is no fun but, trust me, it will get better eventually.

Thank you all so much. You've all been so lovely. I was half expecting to be flamed

To answer some of the points/questions.

DH has a couple of weeks annual leave over Christmas but can't take anymore time off. He is the main breadwinner so we can't afford for him to be off unpaid. His job is very full on. His bosses were even a bit about him taking his 2 weeks paternity leave as most of his colleagues don't.

My mum is brilliant and helps out whenever she can but she lives a 45 minute drive away and is currently struggling with a back injury so I don't like to bother her too much. No other family locally.

DH makes sure I get a break on weekends and he does help out in the night with nappy changes etc during the week but I try to avoid waking him where possible as he has a long drive to work and I worry about him falling asleep on the road. The nature of his job also means that he could put people at risk if he isn't fully alert. I am sure sleep deprivation is playing a big part in how i'm feeling.

A couple of you have mentioned reflux. DS is very rarely sick and the GP says he is "the picture of health". I did wonder about colic as he is definitely more unsettled in the evenings but my understanding is there's not much you can do about it and you have to just wait for it to pass?

I haven't been to any baby groups. Didn't really enjoy them with DC1 but didn't have PND then and was quite happy going out and about on my own with a baby. This time around have been so anxious I haven't been able to face it. Maybe I need to try harder.

DC1 hated being in the sling so hadn't thought to try it this time around but I'm sure we've still got it somewhere, will see if I can dig it out and give it a go. Thank you.

How much crying are we talking? How many hours in a 24 hour period? Can you keep note of how long and record the crying and then go back to the GP?

It might just be colic or it might be silent reflux (ie no vomiting) or CMPA or another underlying health issue. You could look up the symptoms and see if anything fits.

How was the birth? Sometimes it can affect the baby and an osteopath (with experience in treating newborns) can help.

Are you in your mumsnet birth group? If not, find it and join and ask for support. The vast majority are really supportive places and it’s like having a group of cheerleaders in your pocket as well as ‘real’ life support as well.

Are you taking antidepressants? What treatment/support are you on the waiting list for?

Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? Your DH needs to be doing as much as possible on the nights when he is not working the next day so you can catch up on sleep.

Also is there a family member who could help overnight maybe once every week or fortnight? If not could finances stretch to a night nanny once or week or something?

Maybe you could ask your HV about a referral to Home Start, every little helps.

and from me. I remember this feeling well, it will get better I promise just hang on in there.

Take it a day at a time and do the “all fed none dead” parenting mantra. You’re doing great.

Why are you on a waiting list? Your GP could put you on medication etc,if you earn well as a family maybe some private counselling/treatment?don't just sit and wait, you know this is just hormones/mental health etc - be proactive in fighting it so you can enjoy your baby and your maternity leave. and remember the youngest days are the hardest - as your baby grows especially around the weaning stage they become so fun - don't miss that time because you're suffering now. Be strong you can do this!

Things will get better and you are doing so well to have asked for help with PND. It might not be what’s causing the screaming but it’s worth looking out for the signs of silent reflux. My second DS has it and it’s often missed as they don’t really vomit. Hiccups, coughing, swallowing a lot and screaming when led on their back are some of the symptoms...it was like a new baby arrived when he was put on meds for it! I really hope things improve quickly for you - sleep deprivation is the most horrendous part and I really feel for you xx

Are you taking antidepressants? What treatment/support are you on the waiting list for?

I'm waiting to be assessed by the Perinatal MH team, they will then discuss treatment options with me. I'm seeing them next week. Not on antidepressants atm. Have taken them before and the side effects outweighed the benefits but I may have to reconsider if things don't improve.

Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? Your DH needs to be doing as much as possible on the nights when he is not working the next day so you can catch up on sleep

I'm bottle feeding. DH already takes over the night feeds on weekends but I still wake up a lot in the night as I get anxious and I can't ignore the crying.

could finances stretch to a night nanny once or week or something?

Not at the moment, unfortunately.

Maybe you could ask your HV about a referral to Home Start, every little helps

Will look into this. Thank you.

I think you should insist on more help for the baby’s crying. Go back to your GP with a log of the crying as pp said and maybe some videos? Parents in my NCT group have had to fight for diagnosis of CMPA. Some babies do just cry but hopefully there is a cause that can be discovered and put right.

Is there something wrong with baby? Make a doctors app for baby and write down all his/her symptoms to help doctor ( for example when he/she has fed) It could be colic or reflux or constipation or something that can be treated by the GP. At least if you do that then you can concentrate on you and getting your support. There's nothing worse than a screaming baby that you cannot console or help.. I'm off to the docs today with my baby myself I just don't know what to do with him anymore! Hope you get on ok. Try and take your mat leave. You can't get that time back again. Xx

"I'm bottle feeding. DH already takes over the night feeds on weekends but I still wake up a lot in the night as I get anxious and I can't ignore the crying."

It's good that he does the night feeds at weekends. On his nights you could wear ear plugs - the soft silicone ones are the most effective - and maybe take a mild herbal sleeping pill? Obviously if you start taking antidepressants you couldn't take both, but while you're waiting for your appt next week it could be worth a try.

Hiccups, coughing, swallowing a lot and screaming when led on their back are some of the symptoms...it was like a new baby arrived when he was put on meds for it!

He does get the hiccups a lot and they seem to bother him... rarely coughs and haven't noticed any swallowing. He is often unsettled just after a feed though. What meds did your baby get prescribed if you don't mind me asking? Will go back to the GP I think.

Is there something wrong with baby? Make a doctors app for baby and write down all his/her symptoms to help doctor ( for example when he/she has fed) It could be colic or reflux or constipation or something that can be treated by the GP.

I worry a lot that there is something wrong with him but the GP and HV both say this is due to my anxiety and that he's very healthy. He's not constipated and he doesn't have CMPA as the symptoms don't fit. I am wondering about silent reflux or colic. If it's colic though according to NHS website there's not really any treatment as such, you just have to wait for it to get better.